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Original poster

Other people's weddings

154 replies

johnthepong · 20/02/2013 11:05

Gone are the days when I could look forward to a wedding and enjoy the day out. Everyone seems so wrapped up in their own weddings they forget the rest of us have a life, or might have other Shock weddings to go to. yes I should be grateful I have been invited but I am fed up with the things costing me a fortune.
Nobody has a hen night now, everybody has a hen weekend. Everybody has to do some "unique" activity which costs the rest of us a fortune. of course, the hen can't be expected to pay for her own fucking hen weekend so we all have to foot the bill. then, after said weekend, we all had to contribute to buy the bridesmaids a present to thank them for organising the weekend. When the duck did this start? surely that is the bride' s job?!
All anybody wants for their wedding these days is cash. Guess what- I don't have any left, I spent it all on your hen do. You can't just give someone £10 or £20, it's their WEDDING! So you feel obliged to give them more than you can afford. :(
Of course, my children aren't invited to any of their special days, so they get shipped off for another weekend without mummy, having only just returned after the hen weekend.
And then we all have to think of a "special" memory of me and the bride, and a special song that can be played at the special wedding.
I've got 3 like this in 2 months. I'm going to turn down the next hen invite I get. No family holiday for us this year.

OP posts:
AgentSprout · 20/02/2013 13:03

YANBU

We're planning our wedding. Friends and family have gone mad coming up with ideas on what to do for our stag and hen nights from going to somewhere in Europe to watch a gig, going to Berlin Beer festival, renting a mansion/party house for a weekend somewhere in the UK or spending a week abroad sunbathing on a beach!!!

We've both been Shock at the ideas. I'm adamant i'm not having one. I just want to hide from it all.

The last hen night I went on was dreadful. We had to do fancy dress, pay for Burlesque (sp?) lessons (bearing in mind we are all mothers so lots of saggy tits and floor pointing nipples) then paid for a VIP booth in a club that was absolutely shit. Luckily it was only for one night but I was so bored I spent a fortune on shots as I needed to get shitfaced to pass the time.

PurpleBlossom · 20/02/2013 13:04

I hate hen weekends! Especially ones involving nights away or even worse fancy dress Shock

DP on the other hand loves them and so do all his friends. 15 of them are going on a weekend abroad (approx £150pp) One of his best friends can't afford to go, so isn't.

For some people a 'gig and a curry' would be more then they can afford. So if you don't want to go/ can't afford then you don't go surely?

Weddings abroad I agree can be a pain in the arse. Me and DP are invited to one this summer, however 9 month old DD is not invited... Erm what do you think we are going to do with her Confused Why bother inviting us in the first place??

atthewelles · 20/02/2013 13:05

I agree Dionne. But I also think organising hen nights/weekends that are so expensive that they preclude some of your closest friends from attending is a bit selfish. If people from all different income levels are invited the occasion should be pitched at an affordable level. Hen weekends in Spain or at luxury spas or hotels are fine if all of your friends have lots of disposable income. If some of them are struggling as it is to pay the mortgage and the childminder and the food bills then surely the bride could climb down a bit, remember what a hen night is supposed to be about and arrange something simple and locally based.

Original poster
johnthepong · 20/02/2013 13:09

I guess I married young and had kids young, they all had the big career in London etc so I am the only one with strings as it were. it would be ok if I could say to my friend I can't afford it but my friend isn't the one organising it, her bridesmaids are. you get the email about 6 months in advance "to make sure everyone is free and give you time to save up"

Fed up with it all. going on another one this weekend. going to a nightclub. am far too old and saggy for nightclubs.

OP posts:
simplesusan · 20/02/2013 13:10

I think the point is also that I am organising a trip away for my dcs and mum.
You would not believe how cheaply I have managed to get the hotel and transport for.
I have also booked a theatre trip, again after many hours of research, both by talking to people and internet reseach for a fraction of the cost it would normally cost.
So when I got asked to go on the hen do I, perhaps foolishly, assumed it would be budgeted for along my thought lines. The actual cost is somewhat different.

simplesusan · 20/02/2013 13:14

It's the same with wedding gifts.

A lot can be created if you are good at craftwork and have the time and patience for very little money. This changes when the peom drops through the letterbox telling you not to bother with your thoughtfilled gifts but instead get the cold hard cash out.

The last evening only wedding do we attended stated our presence would be their present. I gave a card only but was left wondering afterwards if this was ok.

Quenelle · 20/02/2013 13:19

[Gender reveal parties]... have you never seen them? They have a cake covered in icing and when you cut it the sponge is either blue or pink!

Nooo WAY! Shock

YouTheCat · 20/02/2013 13:24

My whole wedding cost £250 (19 years ago).

My divorce is going to cost more. Angry And that is without any party or celebration.

My hen night involved going to the pub. Getting hacked off because there were strippers there. Then coming back to mine and drinking wine. Less than a tenner.

willesden · 20/02/2013 13:29

Gender reveal parties have already started around here. My MIL is a baker and had to have the concept explained to her. Just another way to make money out of stupid greedy self-absorbed people.
DP has been invited to a three night weekend away to celebrate the birth of his mate's fourth child. Lads only, of course. It's just any excuse these days.

DontmindifIdo · 20/02/2013 13:29

But OP - you can by pass the person organising and e-mail the bride saying you can't make it because you can't afford it. My bridesmaid didn't really know alot of my London friends (she was a 'home' friend!) so even though she sent the e-mails organising a lot, most contacted me about it too.

It does sound like they have arranged something that suits the lifestyles and budgets of the majority of those invited. Sad

DontmindifIdo · 20/02/2013 13:31

YouTheCat - you so should throw a "non-hen do" weekend away to celebrate being divorced!!!! Get some of the ladies together and behave inappropriately.

atthewelles · 20/02/2013 13:32

I totally agree simplesusan. Asking for cash gifts can seriously embarass people who don't have much money but would be happy to put time, thought and imagination into making something or shopping around for something inexpensive but meaningful.

But some people are just too insensitive or materialistic to get this and think a chirpy little poem makes saying 'gimme money' okay. It doesn't!

YouOldSlag · 20/02/2013 13:32

DP has been invited to a three night weekend away to celebrate the birth of his mate's fourth child. Lads only, of course. It's just any excuse these days.

Don't even get me started. unless the mate in question gave birth himself, this is inexcusable.

simplesusan · 20/02/2013 13:34

Willesden- that is just ridiculous, the go away for the father weekends I mean.
The father should be at home, helping out with the baby and supporting his partner, not pissing about for the weekend.
Whatever next. I guess it won't be long before the divorce weekend celibration away. Or the my dog has had puppies weekend away jaunt.

atthewelles · 20/02/2013 13:34

DP has been invited to a three night weekend away to celebrate the birth of his mate's fourth child. Lads only, of course. It's just any excuse these days Quote

That is beyond daft. Shock

Whathaveiforgottentoday · 20/02/2013 13:36

We didn't do this and neither have any of our friends. 3 weddings this year and none of them took the piss. Although 2 did ask for money which I find a bit Sad. However I have heard many reports of weddings like you described in your OP so YANBU.

DontmindifIdo · 20/02/2013 13:41

Willseden - DH have been invited on a fake stag do - it's a stag do for someone he's admitted doesn't exist. However as he lived in Luxembourg and now all his friends are scattered across European banking hubs, they realised once that before mentioned 2-3 year period of constant weddings/stags ended they hadn't all met up for over 2 years, so they wanted an excuse to get together again.

However, this is a group of guys who mostly all are earning significant sums, they can afford to waste a grand here or there. The problem is only really for one or two in the group (of over 25 guys) who aren't earning that sort of money and might feel pressured to join in (I think they are planning on arranging around some rugby 7s somewhere or other). The question being, in situations like the OP where there's only one person who's likely to struggle time and money wise, should plans be arranged to suit their situation or would it be normal to assume if they can't afford it/don't have the time, they'll just decline the invite...

DangerousBeanz · 20/02/2013 13:41

My wedding is coming up,my bridesmaid has organised a hen weekend where everyone sleeps on airbeds at mine. So free. Friday night will cost about £20 some of the girls are just coming to that ( a wine tasting and takeaway). Saturday will cost about £60 zoo, limo, catered picnic, catered evening buffet. Then dancing in the lounge with a few drinks.
Some are coming all day, and some just for the evening buffet. I think she's researched well and got it to a reasonable price with plenty of options to suit all pockets. If people chose not to come I won't be offended, but if they come then bitch about the cost I will be. BTW I'm paying for myself.

pictish · 20/02/2013 13:41

Oh OP YADNBU!

Jesus Christ the egotism and self importance surrounding weddings has become astronomical! Not to mention the expense!! Do people think we have nothing better to do with our precious and limited income than throw it at them, because they have decided to get hitched??

Well, it's a big so fucking what from me! If your wedding and hen do is going to cost me £££s then I'm not interested in it, or you.

We have three kids and a single very modest salary to live on and you're not fucking having it in the name of your wedding.

YouOldSlag · 20/02/2013 13:47

pictish. I may print that off and send it back in an RSVP envelope one day. It would feel so good.

atthewelles · 20/02/2013 13:49

Well said pictish.

People seem to have got incredibly competitive about weddings; oh, we have to have fireworks, we have to get married in a castle in the middle of nowhere, we have to have a 3 day wedding with a fun fair the day before and a barbecue the day afterwards, we have to have a honeymoon in the Carribean so we'd better ask for cash gifts...... because that's what everyone else does.

The fact that they are putting unreasonable financial pressure on less well off friends and family doesn't even seem to enter their heads.

wherearemysocka · 20/02/2013 13:49

I don't think I'd go to the wedding of someone I wasn't interested in whether I had the money or not. If you despise these people who are supposed to be your friends that much then I'd suggest the friendship is probably done for.

I don't have any time for people who won't calmly go up to the bride and groom and explain the situation, offer to cook dinner for them or go out for a drink if they can't afford the hen/stag, say that they'll have to leave the wedding early to get home/pick up the kids/whatever.

If the bride or groom start screeching that it's their SPECIAL DAY and you must do everything they say, then fair enough, they're idiots and you're better off without them. But to not do anything about it and then slag them off on an internet forum is a little pathetic.

atthewelles · 20/02/2013 13:51

I don't think its pathetic wherearemysocka I think its letting off steam in a safe and private place............... good therapy Smile.

wherearemysocka · 20/02/2013 13:53

Yes, and I do it as much as anyone. But unless someone says something to them then they will think that it's OK and everyone's happy to go along with it.

atthewelles · 20/02/2013 13:56

I know. But its hard to be the first one to take a stance.

Ideally people who are grown up enough to get married should have enough common sense to realise that not everyone can afford to splash out a small fortune so that they can enjoy being Prince and Princess for a day.