Other people's weddings

[johnthepong]

Gone are the days when I could look forward to a wedding and enjoy the day out. Everyone seems so wrapped up in their own weddings they forget the rest of us have a life, or might have other weddings to go to. yes I should be grateful I have been invited but I am fed up with the things costing me a fortune.
Nobody has a hen night now, everybody has a hen weekend. Everybody has to do some "unique" activity which costs the rest of us a fortune. of course, the hen can't be expected to pay for her own fucking hen weekend so we all have to foot the bill. then, after said weekend, we all had to contribute to buy the bridesmaids a present to thank them for organising the weekend. When the duck did this start? surely that is the bride' s job?!
All anybody wants for their wedding these days is cash. Guess what- I don't have any left, I spent it all on your hen do. You can't just give someone £10 or £20, it's their WEDDING! So you feel obliged to give them more than you can afford. :(
Of course, my children aren't invited to any of their special days, so they get shipped off for another weekend without mummy, having only just returned after the hen weekend.
And then we all have to think of a "special" memory of me and the bride, and a special song that can be played at the special wedding.
I've got 3 like this in 2 months. I'm going to turn down the next hen invite I get. No family holiday for us this year.

YANBU. When I got married my youngest adult bridesmaid was 14 and desperate to go to the hen night, wear the same dress as the others rather than match the 9 year old flower girl etc. One of my other bridesmaids was quite poorly with endo and had just had a laperoscopy. So my hen night was a meal at pizza hut. I wore a bride to be rosette and one of the bridesmaids got hold of a badge making kit and made badges for the other bridesmaids. That was it, cost per person about a tenner. I think some of them went drinking after but I'd promised the 14 year olds mum I would keep an eye on her and get her home safely. DH went go karting and then out for a curry for his stag do although I think most people just did the curry, it was only 5 of them who did the go karting I think.

I've heard of gender reveal parties where a sonographer brings a portable scanner to your house/venue and then you have a scan and the sonographer reveals the gender to all the guests .

I've been offered a free 4d scan at one of those fancy clinics and with the info they gave me it said that me and "my guests" will be made welcome etc etc. People bring guests to these things?!?! I think I'll just bring DH, I don't want anyone else sat staring at my wobbly stretch marked tummy for half an hour thanks.

Don'tmindifIdo, I'll be celebrating with a nice meal with my much younger and lovelier partner.

I can't believe some bloke is having a 3 day party to celebrate the birth of his 4th child! I wonder how his poor wife will be celebrating? I imagine it will be surrounded by the 4 kids/nappies/nipple cream. What a selfish arse that man must be.

If I was the wife of the man having a 3 day party away to celebrate the fourth baby, I would simply make an appointment with a solicitor and change the locks. I'm not even joking.

I dont go on the hen do's firstly because I cant afford it and secondly because I can cope with one night with a group of mostly strangers but the thought of a whole weekend/week would drive me nuts.
I also hate the 'give us cash because we have everything' wedding gifts. Sod off I will decide what to buy you (because I am too embarassed to only give you £20).

I agree it is utterly ridiculous, a couple of years ago we worked out that we had spent nearly £3k going on stag/hen dos, weddings stays, wedding outfits and presents.

We don't do it anymore and have got to the point we would rather keep the money in our family than worry about looking a bit of a tight arse. More often than not you're just invited to make up the numbers and to make the bride/groom feel special at the hen/stag do.
Do what you can afford and nothing more

YABU. I've never been to a wedding with any of the 'issues' you describe...

Actually I miss weddings now. A few years ago there were 2 or 3 weddings every summer. Now everybody is married. Must be getting old

The cheapest thing on my wedding list is £4, I didn't want to do a list but my DP's friends were asking for details. I've put loads of inexpensive stuff, under a tenner, on it and some under a fiver. I'd hate people to think I was being entitled or greedy. If some one stuck £20 in an envelope I'd been really grateful for it... I'd spend it on a special night in with a takeaway and bottle of wine for me and OH.

I've never been on a hen night. And certainly not a weekend! I didn't have one myself when I got married.

When my sister got married and was organising a hen night I quite cheerfully said, 'I don't want to come. It's my idea of hell, thanks'.

I don't feel the need to spend money I can't afford doing something I don't want to.

Now to out myself,

on my FB page it clearly states. quoteunquote is not accepting invitations, don't ask, as a refusal often offends.

If I accepted all the invitations we would not have any time to do what we enjoy, and want to do, as well as spending a ridiculous amount of money which would be better spent else where,

we still have far more events on social calendar than I would like,

but I no longer do any that aren't necessary, if feels like I have clawed back a significant part of my time.

I agree OP. I worked really hard t make my hen night something that all my friends of differing fortune's and home lives were able to attend one part. We had an early meal at a reasonably priced tapas place, drinks at a bar, then went clubbing. It meant that my sister who has three children and not much money to spare could come just for the dinner part, my best friend who is single and on 60k a year came to the whole thing and my in betweeners picked and chose one part or another. I would never expect my friends to pay for a weekend anywhere! I have never been invited on a weekender hen do either. DP has had a couple of stag weekend invites in Amsterdam and the like but we have to turn down for financial reasons. Our wedding was brilliant we had all our 140 family and friends and their children for an afternoon tea follwed by bread, cheese and cold meats in the evening, a cheap bar and we didn't ask for wedding gifts or money and we did the whole thing on less than £5000 incluing the £1500 honeymoon.

elliejjtiny - I know for the 4D ones because it's not 'check if the baby is healthy' more 'let's have a look at it' that friends have taken older DCs they already have, their mum/MIL and one who's taken her sister who was going abroad and wouldn't be around when the baby was born.

OP - really talk to the bride. She is going to understand even if the bridesmaids hadn't thought that one person on the list has a very different lifestyle to the rest of them.

Our friend arranged a five day stag to Ibiza on one of the most expensive weekends of the year, to include hard core clubbing, my husband has a life threatening medical condition that means that he needs (along with a cocktail of daily meds) regular sleep, food, not too much exposure to flashing lights etc or drugs, the groom tried very hard to bully him into going, despite all these reasons!!

:o at eggso

I said no kids at my wedding but it was an evening one, and most of my friends didn't have kids at that time. sounds like you should just not go to the hen do. I have not attended those on the basis of not being able to afford it. personally, I like it when not allowed to bring kids to wedding as it means I can have a 'date' with DH and relax!

The sad part is all these lavish hen/stag dos and expensive weddings costing not only the bride and groom a fortune but also some of the guests end up in divorce

Isn't the statistic something like 50% of marriages end in divorce? Purhaps some of these hen nights and weddings are just an excuse for a big night out and a big party then the marriage part is a big disappointment to some or not the main focus. I think my sis just wanted a party tbh (as her marriage ended within 6 months after thousands spent.) She may as well have just gone on a night out or had a party because now she has the expense of divorce!

My mate used to say she'd rather get a court summons than a wedding invite!

Some of mine and my friends hen nights were : weekend away in Ireland, night on the lash in Brighton, club night in London, weekend in a cottage in Wales etc. We were all single or newly married with no kids and would have been doing these things anyway. Whats wrong with just hanging out with your pals, getting pissed, eating nice pub food, snogging Welsh farmers etc. Why is there this need to be entertained - my friends are entertaining enough and we really loved just getting together and having a laugh. Why does everything have to be such a bloody production these days?

Most I've spent on hen weekend is £150. Given excuses for very expensive ones.

DB and his wife got married in Italy. Pre children. Felt obliged to go, and cost us £1600 to attend. £800 of cost went on credit card, and took us months to pay off. I do think weddings abroad are a very big ask. Best friend is also planning a wedding abroad next year, so will have to start saving. Our daughter is a bridesmaid.

My mate who did have the poshest wedding and hen night - married end August, single again by Jan 1st.

I dont think I will ever go to another wedding now, too old and all pals married or are not going to bother now. Will have to wait for their kids weddings, when I can be the embarrasing pissed old bird in the corner!

A three day party for a bloke to celebrate the birth of a child?

Can I have his phone number? I need to Have Words.

I haven't read the thread, I just want to say OP YANBU.

I think it's part of the modern disease of wanting to turn every little event in life into a huge stage extravaganza.

It starts with totally OTT birthday parties with competitive party bags, Halloween, eight year olds having 'mani-pedis' 'graduation' ceremonies for 11 years olds WTF? with 'diploma' certificates laminated by the Fake Tanned Lunatic Parent Fringe, 'sweet sixteen' parties and senior proms with fire engines and stupid stretch Hummers etc, that are getting so bloody extravagant it makes you wonder what on earth these kids will expect when they get married then it's hen weeks, stag weeks, weddings where the bride and groom have learnt to sing some fucking awful duet, or do a tango, weddings abroad that you are expected to attend, wedding lists at posh shops where nothing is under about 80 quid, or they just want the cash, and then the baby showers start. IT'S ALL A LOAD OF CYNICAL, SELF-AGGRANDISING, GRABBY OLD CACK.

I am too old and for this world.

this makes for very funny reading! thankfully all of my friends are still single - i've never had to do a hen night or wedding (except my parents - I was flower girl then )

i like this woman's idea of marrying herself, although it's maybe along the same self indulgent lines?

www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/25/nadine-schweigert-woman-marries-herself_n_1546024.html

Well.... you don't have to go. No matter how close you are to the bride/groom, you certainly don't have to go to the hen night, you can leave the wedding reception as soon as the first dance is done (or only go to the ceremony) thereby avoiding the expensive overnight stay or overpriced drinks, you don't need to buy a new outfit, you don't need to buy an extravagent gift. You could go alone, without DP or kids.

There's nothing wrong or embarassing about saying "I'm sorry, I can't afford to come along to the hen night/stay over at the venue/travel to Barbados for the wedding/whatever". Whats the big deal? I feel sorrier for kids whose peers appear to have the big parties etc as at htat age it is much harder to ride out the pressure (ironic really, as it's not the child who can afford it, it's the childs parents!).

I didn't have a big hen night (had bunch of freinds round to the house so pretty cheap) and I got married close to where I lived. I've no problem with people who do ahve big expensive "dos", I've opted out of parts of them when necessary and was never made to feel uncomfortable as a result.

We recently went to a family wedding which was organised very short notice for various work related reasons for the couple.Registry office ,neither are religious,and lovely meal afterwards and all very enjoyable and the couple looked loved up and lovely.Only to be told that our presence would be required abroad next year for the 'proper' wedding.The brides family are not English and an exotic destination - not cheap to fly to -has been chosen.Because they want a really big 'do' with a cast of many in attendance.As we are self employed ,and during the recession have barely taken time off for fear of losing customers and a holiday means not just the expense of travel etc but loss of earnings we have already said we will not be attending.
This has not gone down well but we are sticking to our guns on this one.What annoyed me most is grooms mum insisting this is not the real wedding, next years will be.Sorry but no.They got married last week FFS.Whats more important to them ?Being married to each other or spending loads of money on a bling do.

Dontmind I think you are overestimating our organisational skills! I was more thinking, "I'm going to X gig. Come if you want." as a method of invitation!

Slag you'd be very welcome!

Groupiegirl - ha ha ha !!!! You will end up people saying yes then 'can you get me a ticket, I'll pay you back' 'where are we meeting before hand as you've got the tickets' then it'll turn in to a whole exercise of someone having to organise people, and they'll make you wear L plates.