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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and Baby's sex?

53 replies

ruledbyheart · 19/02/2013 23:41

Maybe IABU I am tired, hormonal and don't have the best rerelationship with MIL anyway (huge background of her hating me and being toxic).

I am 14 weeks pregnant with DC4 but it's DPs first, MIL was not best pleased with the news but we have decided to make the effort with her and see if this changes overtime which it is slowly doing.

Anyway tonight we go over and SIL asks about baby so we tell her that we had the scan and everything is fine etc etc and SIL then asks if we are gonna find out the sex, yes me and DP plan on doing this if we can as it will help planning things with other DCs, MIL then pipes up after taking no interest in the conversation previously to she wants it to be a surprise so if we do find out she doesn't want to know and not to tell her.

I did quip back I thought the pregnancy was a good enough surprise itself but otherwise kept my mouth shut.

Speaking to DP I can't understand why we should go out of our way to not tell her what we are having so not to ruin her surprise?
It would mean not telling most other people in DPs family as they won't keep quiet and not beong able to put anything on Facebook or say anything we have bought etc.

Is it abit weird for her to demand this and should I pander to her?

Why should we stop our excitement just because she doesn't want to know when she hasn't been interested at all previously?

I'm annoyed and frustrated but AIBU?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 19/02/2013 23:43

She's not asking you to stop your excitement...just not to spoil the surprise if you can help it.

Post what you want on FB though, it's up to her not to log in.

Congratulations by the way!

LeaveTheBastid · 19/02/2013 23:45

If you want to tell other people then make it clear to Mil that whilst you and DH won't tell her the sex, you can't promise the same of others who do want to know, and if it does get back to her then its through no fault of your own.

HeadfirstForHalos · 19/02/2013 23:50

Don't let her wind you up about it :)

My mil did this with dc2 and dc4. We didn't find out with dc1, she was awkward and had her legs crossed, with dc2 she ordered us not to tell her. DC3, I still had the arse about the way she asked not to be told dc2's sex, so made dh blurt it out before she could stop him (childish).

DC4, again, she made a big deal about not knowing and wanting the surprise and we kindly humoured her. Unfortunately dc's 1, 2 and 3 (aged 4, 3 and 2)had been told and were referring to him by his name that we had alreay chosen.

MIL has a great catsbummouth Grin

You could agree very nicely then "slip up" Wink

I sound like a cow, but she was really arsey about the way she asked. I would have been far more co-operative if she hadn't been so vocally disapproving about how terrible finding out the sex early was. "It's not natural " Hmm

HeadfirstForHalos · 19/02/2013 23:52

Congratulations btw :)

Original poster
ruledbyheart · 19/02/2013 23:52

I just think its her just being in denial of becoming a grandparent seriously she has not had another positive thing to say about it so far so its more of a "I don't want to know" thing rather than a she wants a nice surprise thing.

I just think tough titty its our baby not hers and I fully plan on calling bump by its chosen name once I know the sex, if she wants a surprise then she can have her own baby and not find out herself (yes that is a little unreasonable but again I have not slept in 3 days).

OP posts:
HeadfirstForHalos · 19/02/2013 23:59

With mil it was more a way of voicing her disapproval of finding out the sex early than a nice surprise too. I think I'd have gone along with it if that was genuinely what she wanted. With dc4 it was more because she disapproved of us having another dc. Nice! Apparently she "tolerated" us having dc3, but we should have stopped at 2 (one girl and one boy, the "perfect" family). DC4 was just stupidity. Of course, she adores and dotes on him now the daft mare :)

HeadfirstForHalos · 20/02/2013 00:01

Just do it your way. If you want to shrae the news then do it, you are the parents to be after all! If she find out on FB or off another friend/relative then so be it. It is all a bit silly really!

honeytea · 20/02/2013 00:05

I would just not directly tell her but just tell everyone else as you normally would. Say to her "oh well you will need to block me on Facebook as I will be announcing the sex there"

Leave the ball in her court don't pander to her. Your in the position of control here.

Congratulations :)

HairyHandedTrucker · 20/02/2013 00:05

get someone else to spill accidentally so you haven't got to tip toe round her forever

Original poster
ruledbyheart · 20/02/2013 00:09

DP wasn't in the room at the time of the conversation and has said he ia quite tempted to text "it's a boy/girl!!" after the scan to a few people to make it look like an accident and if she says anything he will deny knowledge of the conversation as she hasn't said anything to him, but maybe that's a bit mean.

OP posts:
honeytea · 20/02/2013 00:18

It's not mean at all. I think it will be impossible to keep it a secret from her because people will naturally use he and she when talking about the baby.

DoJo · 20/02/2013 00:30

Has she specifically asked you not to tell other people who might spill the beans, or just not to tell her. If it's the former, then YANBU, but if it's the latter then just don't tell her - it's not the end of the world and will save you bother by all accounts.

MsAkimbo · 20/02/2013 00:36

She'll change her mind. They always do.

kiwiscantfly · 20/02/2013 05:07

Both my parents and PILs didn't want to know the gender of DD. I did find it a bit odd, but since we lived in the UK and them in NZ it wasn't hard to keep quiet. I suspect when we have another DC they will want to not know but as we also live in NZ now it will be difficult! I feel your pain.

MumofWombat · 20/02/2013 05:49

We have this. I'm not 'allowed' to announce it on fb, or to tell MIL because she wants the surprise. So on fb I announced it in a different language so friends could google and work it out. We've told FIL, DHs grandmother, pretty much anyone really. We know she knows, but she is still pretending that she doesn't but probably because we are having a girl (DH and I are thrilled) and she is of the opinion that 'all girls are bitches, boys are best'. Oh, and oops, at Christmas I unwrapped gifts for our daughter that were pretty obviously pink! And I took my knitting with me - a teeny tiny cardi for her..... What, passive aggressive moi?

MyCannyBairn · 20/02/2013 05:52

Someone else will assume she knows and say something. Don't you tell her but don't alter your behaviour otherwise. YANBU.

exoticfruits · 20/02/2013 06:56

It is a very small thing. Smiled and nod. Don't actively tell her but it is bound to slip out. People under estimate the smile and nod- it is the answer to everything- it doesn't commit you to anything.

bbface · 20/02/2013 07:24

I am sure there is a big history to your relationship with your MIL.

However, in this instance I think you are ending Blair. My aunt has asked that we refrain from telling her the sex. Fair enough I think.

You can only try. If it slips out, it slips out. It probably will. But at least try to respect her request. No matter how toxic she behaves, you do not need to lower yourself to her standards

bbface · 20/02/2013 07:25

By ending Blair, I meant being unfair!

Moominsarehippos · 20/02/2013 07:29

We had the opposite - we didn't want to know, but I was 99.9% sure that ds was a ds. Everyone seemed to need to know and I was asked constantly.

I would tell the people who are interested, avoid telling the world in general (Facebook etc).

Theicingontop · 20/02/2013 07:35

Do as she's asked and no more; just don't tell her. You're free to tell the whole world apart from her.

ModreB · 20/02/2013 08:09

When we announced that I was PG with DC3, my MIL took DH (her son) to one side and told him that he was being unreasonable to "put his demands on me after all the years we had been together" and that at "our age we should be past all that sex stuff".

I was 32 yo. DH was 35 yo and Hmm Confused as we had been married for 9 years. Grin

Silverstar2 · 20/02/2013 08:10

My DB and wife recently had a little boy, and my parents didn't want to know the sex - they didn't want to know with all 6 of their GC, and it was fine - no-one let it out we all managed to talk about the baby in front of them and not mention it. We even spent Xmas together. I think we just got used to it!

Just don't tell them yourselves, but if someone else does..........!

Congratulations btw, hope you get some sleep soon. x

diddl · 20/02/2013 08:10

I can´t figure out why you felt the need to "quip back" tbh.

She has asked you not to tell her-so don´t!!

It´s not that hard, is it??

If she finds out from someone else, not your problem.

I never wanted to find out.

But if you do find out, I don´t really get why you would tall others or why they would want to know beforehand tbh.

lalabaloo · 20/02/2013 08:18

I would just tell people, don't announce it to her yourself but refer to the baby as he/she as usual, she doesn't get to decide whether you tell people or not. I told my family that I had decided to find out and I wasn't spending the last 20 weeks of pregnancy not talking about MY baby in order to accomodate other people.