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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and Baby's sex?

53 replies

ruledbyheart · 19/02/2013 23:41

Maybe IABU I am tired, hormonal and don't have the best rerelationship with MIL anyway (huge background of her hating me and being toxic).

I am 14 weeks pregnant with DC4 but it's DPs first, MIL was not best pleased with the news but we have decided to make the effort with her and see if this changes overtime which it is slowly doing.

Anyway tonight we go over and SIL asks about baby so we tell her that we had the scan and everything is fine etc etc and SIL then asks if we are gonna find out the sex, yes me and DP plan on doing this if we can as it will help planning things with other DCs, MIL then pipes up after taking no interest in the conversation previously to she wants it to be a surprise so if we do find out she doesn't want to know and not to tell her.

I did quip back I thought the pregnancy was a good enough surprise itself but otherwise kept my mouth shut.

Speaking to DP I can't understand why we should go out of our way to not tell her what we are having so not to ruin her surprise?
It would mean not telling most other people in DPs family as they won't keep quiet and not beong able to put anything on Facebook or say anything we have bought etc.

Is it abit weird for her to demand this and should I pander to her?

Why should we stop our excitement just because she doesn't want to know when she hasn't been interested at all previously?

I'm annoyed and frustrated but AIBU?

OP posts:

MummyPig24 · 20/02/2013 09:38

Some people just don't want to know. My aunt didn't want to know when I was expecting dc2, that's fine, we didn't tell her. A friend of mine found out, said she was keeping it secret, then when I went over to her house before baby was born she showed me the baby's room and opened the wardrobe which was full of pink clothes. So much for he secret!!

Original poster

ruledbyheart · 20/02/2013 09:48

Seems theres alot of GPs out there who don't want to know and tbh I'm not concerned about not telling MIL about the sex, the less I talk to her the better, but I can't understand the mentality of not wanting to know I guess its not their baby so not their secret to keep, just seems odd to me that as its our baby and we want to know but have to keep our excitement quiet around certain people, ridiculous, but I guess everyone has their opinion.

OP posts:

MiaowTheCat · 20/02/2013 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoSuckEggs · 20/02/2013 10:19

I wat to do it the other way round. I dont want to know, but want DH and others to know!

GoSuckEggs · 20/02/2013 10:19

*want

diddl · 20/02/2013 10:29

The thing is-there´s not a lot that anyone can really do with the information, is there?

Sure, they could buy something of the "appropriate colour"-but then a lot of people wait until after the birth of buy white/not gender specific anyway initially?

Original poster

ruledbyheart · 20/02/2013 10:30

I wasn't going to find out but in all honesty I have 2 boys and a girl already but have no baby stuff as wasn't having anymore so want to find out as it would mean swapping bedrooms about (if its a girl I will end up in the box room).
And have been offered some hand me downs as I'd rather not buy everything new or in neutral.

OP posts:

Original poster

ruledbyheart · 20/02/2013 10:33

Diddl thats the thing MIL has told DP she can't wait to go shopping (although she isn't interested discussing anything with me at all so this could be a misunderstanding) but she also knows we don't like neutral colours so anything she buys clothing wise will not get used if it is.

OP posts:

TerraNotSoFirma · 20/02/2013 10:43

My MIL requested that we keep both of ours a surprise, it was a bloody nightmare.
I accidentally said 'she' during my first pg and you would have thought I had just murdered her favourite puppy.
Managed to keep 2nd pg a surprise but I found it very stressful, watching what I was saying, hiding all boy baby related things whenever she came round.

I don't understand why it matters to them whether they find out the sex before or after the birth.

giddypants · 20/02/2013 10:52

My PIL said this to their daughter, she knew she was having a boy, didn't stop my FIL asking her to 'bring us back a granddaughter '
They have asked us not to tell us what we are having (another boy) but 'accidentally' let it slip out the other week oops!

LimboLil · 20/02/2013 11:05

Just don't tell her. Someone else will anyway. We found out our second and kept the name a secret so that there was an element of surprise when he was born. Everyone spent the whole preg guessing the name which was fun. I don't think it went down too well with mil. She was also annoyed with me for giving her a fourth grandson after two sons lol.

Kt8791 · 20/02/2013 11:10

My Mil didn't want to know. Then changed her mind so we told her and then she pretended that she didn't know because her husband didn't want to know! Not DH's dad. I accidentally said he and was sshed (sp) I got upset as I didn't really see the need for the drama when she knew. I basically said it was my baby and I was excited and if they didn't want to know i would see them when he was born. She had already bought boy clothes it was ridiculous. Do what u want to do. Congratulations.

rodandtheemu · 20/02/2013 11:19

didll are you the OPs MIL? lol
Of course they would want to know its exciting! others want to know as they are excited for them - its all very exciting! Of course some expectant parents dont want to know and that perfectly fine too!

I think this is MIL claiming a little peice of the pregnancy for them selfs - some thing they can control.

I woulnt tell her but it also wouldnt stop me from telling the world, which is what i did! As its mine and Dps pregnancy no one elses. Tell her to block ur posts on face book and tell her to tell others not to tell her. Its not your problem.

Enjoy your pregnancy hun and congrats!, i have 9 weeks left and had some down right bizarre demands from my MIL but i just smile and wave, smile and wave! x

shellshock7 · 20/02/2013 12:08

I had this with FIL- thought we should be happy just to be having a baby and the sex didn't matter?

My family and our friends had a little jokey text the night before the 20 week scan guessing what we thought it would be, so we text PIL too so they wouldn't feel left out, we got back 'healthy will be good enough for us'. I had a MMC, discovered at a scan, with my first pregnancy and had been very nervous etc. all pregnancy so just what we needed the night before the scan when we were worried sick anyway...cheers FIL!

Rhiana1979 · 20/02/2013 12:16

My PIL requested that if we found out that we didn't tell them. No problem at all.

As it goes we didn't find out, convinced ourselves we were having a boy and had a lovely surprise when DD was born. If we have another we won't find out again.

I wouldn't want to know the sex and refer to my bump by the chosen name but that's just my opinion.

Funnily enough we had narrowed it down to 2 girls names and about 5 boys names while I was in labour. We made our final choice when we saw her.

XiCi · 20/02/2013 12:22

I can't understand why anyone would be annoyed about this tbh

She wants it to be a surprise, why is that so difficult to understand? Why the nastiness re quipping back and thinking of ways to let it slip.

Just don't speak to her about it, its not that difficult is it.

DeWe · 20/02/2013 12:42

I don't think it's a really big issue here. Don't tell her, she may find out, but that's not your problem.

For what it's worth you can't always tell and I've known a few for whom the scan was wrong-both ways-luckily all were pleased.

I did find out for two of mine (one deliberate, one just very clear) and we didn't tell anyone. Although MIL was totaly convinced dd2 was a boy to the point of having got the card, made clothes etc. for the expected boy.

Also my dm thought for one of them we were having the opposite (can't remember which one) simply because we'd had a vague talk about names and she said she liked a name she gave and I reponded with enthusiasm, so she assumed that was one on our list, hence she thought she knew the sex. So if she knows you know she'll be assessing every comment to see if she can work it out.

diddl · 20/02/2013 12:58

I'm not anyone's MIL!!

Well I didn't want to find out with either of mine, so I can't imagine wanting to find out what anyone else is having tbh

2rebecca · 20/02/2013 13:10

I would tell her that if you find out then you'll have to avoid her during the rest of the pregnancy as you're likely to accidentally let the sex slip by referring to the foetus as him/her rather than it and that it's unlikely she won't accidentally find out if she spends time with you.

Original poster

ruledbyheart · 20/02/2013 13:14

XiCi I quipped back as for once I am sick of her being rude to me and just having to take it, if I could get away with me or dp not talking to her for the next 26 weeks nothing would make me happier but she does phone DP a lot of the time so can imagine it coming out at some point.

Also SIL is interested and wants to know but as she is only a young teenager and we don't see her without MIL I cannot think of how we can not tell her and not MIL and I don't want to not tell SIL as she is the only one showing an interest.

Also as I've stated it is our child not hers if I want to refer to my bump as him/her once I know that is my choice why should I change what I say to suit someone who isn't interested anyway?

OP posts:

diddl · 20/02/2013 13:19

So tell your SIL.

Just don´t directly tell MIL.

I do think that you are making far too much of this because you don´t like her though.

Catchingmockingbirds · 20/02/2013 13:21

I've had this too from people, I find it very strange. Surely the keeping it a surprise bit would be for the couple, not other family members? Don't change the way you deal with the news, if you want to tell other family members then do it, she can chose not to listen.

Original poster

ruledbyheart · 20/02/2013 13:29

Diddl maybe I am unfortunately there is a huge backstory to mine and MILs relationship and frankly after how she has been with DP as well as me does make me more resentful to do anything to encourage her controlling and toxic behaviour.

OP posts:

diddl · 20/02/2013 13:34

Tell who you want to, act how you want to would be my advice.

Then the only "control" you are giving her is that you are agreeing to her request not to be told.

Then don´t give it another thought.

I say that as someone who wasted too much time analysing what MIL said/did & what she might have thought of what I said/did & what I could have said/done better.

Then I realised that she more than likely didn´t give me another thought from one visit until the next & I wasn´t going to waste any more time bothering about her.

shellshock7 · 20/02/2013 13:44

diddl that's great advice, I'm working on reaching that position myself!

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