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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another thoughtless example of DP's selfishness

113 replies

mumstonic · 18/02/2013 22:42

Its my birthday tomorrow. .

DP turned to me a moment ago and said "so, what do you want for your birthday then?"

Translated this means: I haven't got you anything, but I have asked so don't say I didn't try.

My obvious look of disappointment then prompted him to sulk like a child. No doubt my fault for not giving him clear present buying instructions. Arse.

AIBU to be just a little bit pissed off?

OP posts:
Sugarice · 20/02/2013 13:56

For me, it's not the lack of effort on this man's part regarding her birthday that stands out for me.

It's his whole 'me me me' and 'fuck you' attitude he's showing, he wants the attention and nice presents when it's special to him and is vile and belligerent when OP was clearly upset.

Arse!

TheSeniorWrangler · 20/02/2013 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Catchingmockingbirds · 20/02/2013 17:30

I also agree that it's nice for an adult to be spoilt on their birthday too, but it's not even a case of he didn't spoil her enough, he did absolutely nothing. She didn't even get a card or a "happy birthday mumstonic" from him, nothing, his behaviour was appalling.

diddl · 20/02/2013 17:45

Well it's obviously about more than this.

Husband & I rarely bother with presents as we never know what we would like!

But on an occasion that we do know, then we tell the other with enough time for them to get it.

We do always get cards though.

AllYoursBabooshka · 20/02/2013 17:47

I can't abide thoughtlessness but this is way beyond that.

It's like he know he's been a crap partner and is, for some stupid reason taking it out on you. The way he speaks to you is so disrespectful, please don't put up with that. :(

DH doesn't do grand gestures but he always, without fail shows me how much he cares and I don't think that's too much to ask for on your birthday.

Original poster
mumstonic · 20/02/2013 22:52

I'm probably going to sound really ungrateful now, but DP came home with a bunch of flowers. Now this may seem like an apology and an opportunity to move on from yesterday. HOWEVER, DP knows that I really don't like flowers. I've told him this many many times. As lovely as they are for some people, they're just not for me.

My father would buy the (many) women in his life flowers whenever he'd done something wrong or had something to hide, so in my mind they represent guilt and DP knows this. Also, money has been rather tight of late and whilst I genuinely didn't expect anything other than a card and some thought, I'd rather he didn't spend £30 on flowers.

Of course, I did accept them gracefully as there really isn't any point stewing, but I cant help thinking that he bought them out of spite. Sad

OP posts:
LisaMed · 20/02/2013 22:55

I wouldn't accept them graciously, and haven't in the past. Why should you accept a studied piece of nasty with grace?

LisaMed · 20/02/2013 22:57

My experience of this, not necessarily yours, is 'here is something I know will upset you, but you will have to pretend to like and will get you to stfu'.

Hope things work out for you.

YouTheCat · 20/02/2013 23:01

Okay... what can you think of that your husband has pointedly expressed a dislike of that you could get for him?

Original poster
mumstonic · 20/02/2013 23:04

I think you're right, he knows it would upset me. I also think he's got them for show. His parents are visiting on Friday and he'll expect them to be on display (or though I'm probably reading too much into this now?)...

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 20/02/2013 23:06

What LisaMed said. You've made references to next year being different - are you planning to LTB? He doesn't sound like he acts in any way caring or loving to you.

LisaMed · 20/02/2013 23:09

I am not a nice person. I would knock the vase over and fake amnesia about the flowers if his parents asked.

It isn't really about the flowers, though, is it? It's about how you feel about how he behaves to you. Do you think it is fixable? Does he realise how you feel and how much he is risking? Would he be willing to work to make things right?

I'll risk getting expelled from mumsnet and send hugs. I think you need them from somewhere.

Original poster
mumstonic · 20/02/2013 23:10

Youthecat - Hmmm, I could always buy him tickets for a West End show, he would hate that. He's not big on cheese either, so maybe a massive block of smelly camembert or a fondue set?!

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 20/02/2013 23:13

I didn't get anything from DH either. Apparently it is "in the post." My DM said she would "give me some money when she sees me." Well that won't be till the summer.

Original poster
mumstonic · 20/02/2013 23:17

Chased - I am considering LTB, but he has nowhere to go and wouldn't go quietly. Sometimes the thought of the inevitable aftermath that would follow a separation is more worrying than just carrying on as we are. We have good days and bad, its far from ideal but we have 3 DCs two of which are little and they all adore him.

OP posts:
HeyToodles · 20/02/2013 23:21

Hes playing mind games and sounds like he always wants the upper hand.

Sounds scarily like my exdp, went on a 3 day bender, spending all our money for the decorating the house - then didnt speak to me for days because I dared confront him!

Lifes too short to worry about his little moods and sulks, hope you get things sorted OP.

Original poster
mumstonic · 20/02/2013 23:25

Lisa - Thank you x

The flowers are out of sight in another room so his parents wont see them.

Yes, its more than the flowers or lack of birthday cheer. Its just another example of his utter selfishness. He has ADHD, so struggles to be accountable for his actions and very rarely apologies if he does something wrong. I've tried to understand, but I really struggle, he's also very dependable on me and its draining.

OP posts:
LisaMed · 20/02/2013 23:30

Crawling off to bed now, but wishing you well. Can you work out a way so that his problems do not become your problems? Because until you either ltb (from the sound of it planned with military precision) or work out a way to be unaffected by this or protected, it will probably not get better and may get worse.

Is it currently visibly affecting kids? Do they have healthy models of how couples work? You have a lot on your plate -

YouTheCat · 20/02/2013 23:31

I know some adults with adhd and not one of them is a selfish twat. I think if you took away the adhd, he'd probably still be thoughtless.

TheSecondComing · 20/02/2013 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 21/02/2013 07:38

TSC, the fact that your DP has addressed the issue, and you're in agreement with his actions is a world away from a thoughtless twat muttering 'what d'ya want then?' The night before.

when you know someone actually gives a shit about you, it's a totally different ballgame.

OP's P is an example of serial humiliation. :(

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 21/02/2013 07:45

TheSecondComing - have you even bothered to read the op's posts?!

Sugarice · 21/02/2013 07:56

Take care mum.

Do you get on with his Parents?

HecateWhoopass · 21/02/2013 08:02

He sounds awful.

What are his parents like? If they ask you how your birthday went, I hope you won't lie to them.

And, if it is your choice to not leave him (although I obviously hope you do) then might I suggest you say to him that you will put exactly the same amount of thought and effort into his birthday (and xmas gift, etc) that he puts into yours.

And when his birthday comes around, and he sulks, have nothing to say on the matter except a reminder of how he celebrated yours.

Although, obviously, leaving would make for a much happier life - in the long term.

purrpurr · 21/02/2013 08:09

TSC, what a horrendous reply. And a shrug as well. How disgustingly patronising and cold-hearted.