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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to leave DD with MIL?

51 replies

cherryonthetop2013 · 18/02/2013 16:26

Yes yes yes I know I am being unreasonable, she is her Grandmother but I just don't feel comfortable with it and the thought of it makes me a little panicky.

I've noticed that I'm becoming increasingly more protective and possessive of DD (6 months old) and I'm getting very anxious about going back to work, she will go to nursery some days and to MIL one day a week.

I don't want to drop feed so I'll explain the background...after having DD I was very poorly with PND, at my worst I couldn't pick her up, slept in a different room cos I didn't want to be near her, I just had no bond with her and I hate saying this now but I didn't want her.
I'm now better and maybe out of guilt or whatever I've now gone to the other end of the spectrum and want to be with her all the time, she is the easiest, happiest baby and looking after her is a joy and she makes me so happy so I just want to look after her. Having said that, I'm happy leaving DD with DP or DM.

I've also got an older DS and I never felt like this when he was a baby. I was a lone parent when I had him so because his dad wasn't around I had to rely on other people a lot more and leaving him never bothered me.

I know the answer to my problem is I need to get used to leaving her so I should probably start asking MIL to have her and start building it up but I just don't want to, I know it's daft but I don't feel like I want to leave her unless I have to. I enjoy being with her so why would I want to not spend time with her?

The other issue is that I don't totally trust MIL. I think she has some boundary issues when it comes to DD and her other grandchildren (my step kids) and I just don't feel comfortable with it. I know that if I leave DD with my mum she'll follow any instructions, she knows my routines etc and she follows them but MIL just seems to do what she likes.

I know that I'm being unreasonable so I don't really need everybody to tell me that, but I know I can't be the only woman in the world who has felt so anxious about leaving their baby so I suppose I'm looking for advice on how I can overcome this anxiety.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 18/02/2013 16:32

Explain the boundary issues please.

Original poster
cherryonthetop2013 · 18/02/2013 16:45

She just takes over, if you were a fly on the wall watching me, her and DD in a room together you'd think DD was her baby not mine.
She would never ask me "does she need a bottle?" Or "does she need a clean nappy on?" She just does it, even if I tell her she doesn't need it.
On the occasions that she has looked after her she always gets her changed in to clothes of her own.
I'm just starting to wean dd and although I've told MIL that I only give her homemade puréed fruit and veg she keeps sending DP home with jars of baby food and has loads at her house too. If I was to leave dd with her I'm pretty sure she'd be feeding her the jars.
She booked a foreign holiday for my step kids without checking it woulf be ok with their mum first.
I know it's nothing major, she is an excellent grandmother but when I'm already feeling anxious about leaving her I need to know what she's doing with my baby, what she's being fed etc and I just don't feel like I trust that she'll take any notice of my wishes.

OP posts:
Ilovesunflowers · 18/02/2013 16:49

Would it be the end of the world if she had jars of food one day per week? 6 days she will eating exactly what you want.

magimedi · 18/02/2013 16:50

She sounds very overbearing & if she is not going to take notice of your wishes & will be looking after your DD on a regular basis you might be better looking for some other arrangement.

I think it's OK that GPs spoil their DGCs a bit - but not to the extent of ignoring your wishes re feeding etc.

ZZZenAgain · 18/02/2013 16:51

if you froze pureed vegetables and gave batches to her, I don't see why she wouldn't use it. Not much more of a faff for her than opening a jar in the end but she would probably try and use up the jars she has already bought.

valiumredhead · 18/02/2013 16:56

Actually that does sound pretty major OP.

mynewpassion · 18/02/2013 16:57

I wouldn't worry about the changing diapers and feeding. She will find out quickly enough if either is needed. Babies do let us know when they are hungry and when they are not.

Why don't you send her your puree food if you are concern about the jars of baby food as others have suggested?

mynewpassion · 18/02/2013 17:00

On the stepchildren issue, did she check with your DH?

dreamingofsun · 18/02/2013 17:02

if the jars are organic and your pureed food isn't then surely the jars are better? I think you have to think about whats really important here.

her taking over would annoy me....you need to find a technique of dealing with that. But if you are to leave your daughter a hand's on competant grandparent is what you need.

think about what things are likely to have a LT detrimental affect on your daughter and stop those. get partner to have a word

Original poster
cherryonthetop2013 · 18/02/2013 17:03

She seems to have a thing about wanting to use her own stuff.
She won't use our lovely pram, she wants to use her own buggy. When she looks after her we give her the sterilised bottles and pre measured powder in pots, she always tips the water away and uses a carton. Always uses her own nappies, not ours. So I really can't imagine that it will be any different with food.
No it won't do her any harm to have a jar or 2 now and again but it's just the fact that she seems to ignore anything I say.
I see what she's like with the older grandchildren and I don't want her to be like that with my child. I suppose that's my main issue.

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 18/02/2013 17:12

so when your daughters a teenager most of what you say will make not a blind bit of difference - you are fretting over irrelevant things - assuming what she uses isn't dangerous.

Your problem is that you don't feel in control - and as the parent you ought to be. so decide what you need to be in control of, agree priorities with husband and get him to have a word with her. perhaps think about using the same techniques you do with a child, eg repeating things, standing your ground, picking your battles?

galwaygirl · 18/02/2013 17:14

When you say 'tips the water away' do you mean you expect her to mix formula with water that you've boiled earlier and is not over 70 degrees? If so then you've lost me there as what your MIL is doing by using cartons is safe whereas what you are doing is not.

Original poster
cherryonthetop2013 · 18/02/2013 17:15

mynewpassion she had mentioned to DP that she was thinking about taking them away, just a passing comment really, the holiday was during their Mum's time with them so it wasn't for DP to say whether it was ok or not. MIL has regular contact by phone and in person with DP's ex as she looks after them a lot so there was no reason why she couldn't have just sent her a text. But the next thing we know she's just booked it. DP assumed that she had checked with his ex.
There's been numerous other occasions when she's arranged things for them without checking with either parent first.
The ex has now kicked up a major fuss about it but hey that's another story

OP posts:
Original poster
cherryonthetop2013 · 18/02/2013 17:17

galway the formula is not mixed when it is 70 degrees, you pour the water in to the bottles when it is 70 degrees and then keep them refrigerated. Then add the formula when it is needed. My best friend is a health visitor so I know how to make bottles

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 18/02/2013 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 18/02/2013 17:28

At the moment if you and MIL are in a room with your daughter you don't let her take over. Insist that she leaves decisions about your daughter to you when you are with her and tell her you won't visit/ invite her round if she tries to take over. Maybe spend less time with her.
If you use her as childminder you have to be more relaxed about what she eats and drinks though. I've generally not tried to micromanage my childminders and let them feed the kids what they will as long as it's not dangerous. Your daughter will still have most meals with you or the nursery.
Start rebuilding your own life after depression with more time with friends and less with relatives.

Original poster
cherryonthetop2013 · 18/02/2013 17:29

dreaming you're right I do feel like I ought to have control but don't. I don't think dd is unsafe with her but just don't want her to do certain things. She also often swears in front of the kids. Obviously it's not an issue with a non-speaking baby but at what point and how on earth do I or DP ask her not to swear?

OP posts:
5madthings · 18/02/2013 17:31

The formula should be added to water that us 70 deg as that kills any bugs in the powder which is not sterile so using cartons is safer than that.

The holiday thing is not on.

Her using her nappies etc no big deal, it saves you money?

She shoukd use food you provide.

Re hv friend, they oftrn give out poor advice or not up to date advice, tho the guidlinez for making formula up with 70 deg water have been the same for a number of years. Look on nhs website.

Longtalljosie · 18/02/2013 17:32

Sorry cherry - your HV friend is wrong and galway is right

www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/pages/making-up-infant-formula.aspx#close

5madthings · 18/02/2013 17:34

I was just coming to post that link but josiebeat me! Grin

eltsihT · 18/02/2013 17:37

I have loads of MIL problems I am er... Lucky enough.... To have 2. One of them didn't even talk to me before I had my son then when he was 4 weeks started offering to have him over night, he was breast fed and made me feel selfish as she couldn't have a shot with the baby and feed him.

My son is almost 2 now and spends 1 day a week with each Mil while I work. I used to provide food/milk but was told he wouldn't take it so now just let em do what they want with him and know that 5 days a week he drinks only milk/water and eats home made food and fruit for snacks.

It took a long time for me to reach the point where I have let them do what they want with him, and tears and arguments with hubby, but I have 2 days free child care and I know they successfully raised their own children.

I make sure my son knows there are mummy's rules and granny's rules and if I am about its mine that count, it gets easier as they get older, and it is lovely to see mil and sons face light up when I drop him off.

Not sure if I have helped at all but she does sound like hard work so I sympathise, and know it is very hard to let them go to someone you don't trust to do it your way.

Original poster
cherryonthetop2013 · 18/02/2013 17:49

2rebecca sorry I feel like I'm moaning and moaning but that's another issue I have at the mo, DP wants us to go round to his Mum's every single weekend. It's ok to a certain extent but there's also my mum, my dad and his wife, our siblings, grand parents etc. plus we have other things to do at weekends like housework, home improvements etc. it's difficult to fit everybody and everything else in. We've not seen my dad in over a month and that was only a brief visit but its apparently essential that we see her. She's not visited us since dd was about 1 week old despite the fact that we only live a 10 minute walk away.
DP thinks it looks odd if he goes without me.
It would be so much easier if she just came here where all the kids toys are and all dd's stuff is, it isn't a military operation for her to come to us. Plus our house doesn't stink of chip pans and fags!

OP posts:
Calmisthemantra · 18/02/2013 17:53

cherry I could've written your original post- but with slightly different pnd issues. My mil very clearly adores my dd and I know would never cause her any harm BUT she does take over and ignores anything I suggest/specify. It's lots of constant little things but they really bug me and I can't seem to just ignore it/brush it off. It really bothers me and I dread leaving dd with her as I know the routine will be disregarded. My dd is very easy going and doesn't complain if lunch is late/overtired so mil often wait until she starts whining to feed/nap her. Why wait until dd us unhappy when if you follow the (rough) routine you can preempt situations. Angry

She also tells me what's happening rather than asking. Eg "I'm buying dds first pair of shoes" rather than asking if that might be ok. We didn't succeed at bfing and I took this very badly (which still contributes towards my pnd/anxiety) mil keeps telling me how silly I was being and there's no point in trying with new baby (I'm pg) In fact she's already bought boxes & boxes of first formula and bottles!!!

Hate it. But she's my only option for childcare Sad

LimboLil · 18/02/2013 18:05

I think given your tricky start with you dd you are not being unreasonable and your oh should explain to anyone that needs telling that you need that extra time to bond and keep things going well. Any gp with a grain of sense would understand this surely (as I am typing this I am thinking probably not!) I struggled with my mil a lot when my eldest was a baby and never really felt the same again about her, but these days now he is older hub visits once a week with him and she can be no. 1 and I see on family occasions like birthdays, xmas, bbqs etc. I am always polite and always nice, but I make sure I don't get marooned with her for too long, let's just say she must think I have a weak bladder or something!!!

bbface · 18/02/2013 18:10

It concerns me that your best friend is a HV and giving wrong advise on an important issue.

But that is beside the point. I felt my heckles rising ready about your MIL,so I can not begin to imagine how it feels to be in your shoes. Unfortunately, you are not going to change this woman. If you are worried about your daughter's health and well being, then act accordingly. If it is the case that this very annoying woman is being utterly insensitive to your preferences, but at the same time helping you out, try to suck it up. Easier said than done, so good luck