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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to leave DD with MIL?

51 replies

cherryonthetop2013 · 18/02/2013 16:26

Yes yes yes I know I am being unreasonable, she is her Grandmother but I just don't feel comfortable with it and the thought of it makes me a little panicky.

I've noticed that I'm becoming increasingly more protective and possessive of DD (6 months old) and I'm getting very anxious about going back to work, she will go to nursery some days and to MIL one day a week.

I don't want to drop feed so I'll explain the background...after having DD I was very poorly with PND, at my worst I couldn't pick her up, slept in a different room cos I didn't want to be near her, I just had no bond with her and I hate saying this now but I didn't want her.
I'm now better and maybe out of guilt or whatever I've now gone to the other end of the spectrum and want to be with her all the time, she is the easiest, happiest baby and looking after her is a joy and she makes me so happy so I just want to look after her. Having said that, I'm happy leaving DD with DP or DM.

I've also got an older DS and I never felt like this when he was a baby. I was a lone parent when I had him so because his dad wasn't around I had to rely on other people a lot more and leaving him never bothered me.

I know the answer to my problem is I need to get used to leaving her so I should probably start asking MIL to have her and start building it up but I just don't want to, I know it's daft but I don't feel like I want to leave her unless I have to. I enjoy being with her so why would I want to not spend time with her?

The other issue is that I don't totally trust MIL. I think she has some boundary issues when it comes to DD and her other grandchildren (my step kids) and I just don't feel comfortable with it. I know that if I leave DD with my mum she'll follow any instructions, she knows my routines etc and she follows them but MIL just seems to do what she likes.

I know that I'm being unreasonable so I don't really need everybody to tell me that, but I know I can't be the only woman in the world who has felt so anxious about leaving their baby so I suppose I'm looking for advice on how I can overcome this anxiety.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 18/02/2013 18:36

Please please listen to the correct information you have been given about formula. Your HV is not only wrong, but giving out potentially dangerous advice.

FryOneFatManic · 18/02/2013 18:42

I think your DP needs to step back a little too, wanting to go round to his mum every weekend at the expense of seeing your own family? Wouldn't happen here, I try to be as fair as possible. Plus we need time alone as a family too, for days out, etc.

dreamingofsun · 18/02/2013 18:56

her house smells of fags????!!!!!!! now that would worry me . does she understand and adhere to the guidance on smoking? I assume she is the one that smokes. that is more important than her using her own milk/pushchair etc as it has the potential to cause LT damage to your daughter.

ENormaSnob · 18/02/2013 18:57

Cherry, you are wrong re the temp of the water.

Your friend is a hv? Hmm

Original poster
cherryonthetop2013 · 18/02/2013 19:03

I'm going to try and talk to DP tonight about it, if I carry on bottling it all up it'll end up all coming out in an argument or after a few drinks.
I think DP's ex was quite happy for her to take over and from what I can gather they used to spend most of their weekends at his parents or hers. So I think maybe mil has just assumed that we would be doing the same. I remember DP once making a comment about the fact that we've been keeping ourselves to ourselves since having dd whereas to me we spend too much time at his parents so I suppose it's a difference in perceptions. My family don't live in each others pockets the way his do.

I was discussing it all with my counsellor last week n she was saying that in my area (DP is originally from here but I'm not) its quite normal for the grandchildren to go and stay with grandma all weekend whilst mum and dad go out partying. I think she might be right because I know of 2 grandmas on my street who have their grand kids every weekend. So again, maybe it's just seems normal to her to take over.

OP posts:
happyfrogger · 18/02/2013 19:07

sympathies cherry. I agree it's the little things that niggle even when you know there could be far worse things they could be doing! I think I also have control issues and all of these things would bug the hell out of me, but yes - I am also reliant (and hugely grateful) for the childcare.

My favourites are the conversations through the baby "Grandma is going to give you your lunch in a minute and then we're going for a walk" - I feel like it's provoking me rather than just asking me if there are any plans later or might she help out by giving DD her lunch etc. It's really no big deal but the more the little things happen the more annoying they get!!

It's a fine line between someone else's 'rules' and someone else's 'ways'. As my DH reminds me, you've gotta pick the things you really care about and say - 'this is the way we like DD to do this' - end of. I guess in life they have to learn that in other people's homes, school, offices, there are slightly different rules and ways of doing things that they will need to adapt to and learn.

But yes, ignoring your food and nappies and buying her own deliberately if she knows you bring it and you remind her that you bring it seems like she's trying to get into a petty battle with you. She will lose - you are mum!

nickelbabe · 18/02/2013 19:13

I was thinking that maybe your mil was being a tad odd, but the thing about the very wrong and dangerous formula method you use has made me think maybe your mil is right.

if you feel so reluctant to leave your baby with her, have you got an option to stay on maternity leave for abit longer? I have a friend who went back at 9 months.

Original poster
cherryonthetop2013 · 18/02/2013 19:13

Well they don't smoke in the house but just at the back door but they don't properly close the door. It's not an overwhelming smell but it's there. The first thing I do when we get home is change dd's clothes and wash her. Yes I know that doesn't protect her against anything but I just can't stand the smell on her.
DD is only ever in their lounge which is not near the back door so she's not directly near any smoke but the smell still follows them back in.
They don't put a coat on and then remove it so its on their clothes, not sure if they wash their hands afterwards.

With regards to the bottles I think I misunderstood the guildlines, I thought the 70 degrees thing was just about the temp of water when you pour it in the bottles. When DS was a baby the guidelines were to keep water in the fridge then add formula when needed so when I've scanned over the new guildlines I thought it was the same. Yes my friend is a hv but the advice she gave me was when DS was a baby, I honestly thought it was the same.

OP posts:
NcNcNcNc · 18/02/2013 19:17

Cherry - I made the same mistake with my second dd, the rules changed in between me having them and I didn't realise either Smile

RichardSimmonsTankTop · 18/02/2013 19:18

"When DS was a baby the guidelines were to keep water in the fridge then add formula when needed so when I've scanned over the new guildlines I thought it was the same."

Really? How old is your DS, or is it the same baby you mentioned in the OP?

NcNcNcNc · 18/02/2013 19:19

Mine is 8 Richard.

Is this really the most important part of the op though? Hmm

RichardSimmonsTankTop · 18/02/2013 19:19

Oh sorry, I can't read. Blush

RichardSimmonsTankTop · 18/02/2013 19:20

It is kind of important because the water temperature kills bugs like salmonella etc. Which will do a LOT more harm than a few jars of baby food.

NcNcNcNc · 18/02/2013 19:21

I know, but she knows now, she's been told up there ^ about 100 times.

No need to kick someone when they're down Smile

Original poster
cherryonthetop2013 · 18/02/2013 19:25

Well luckily she has survived to 6 months and DS also survived a year of drinking milk made that way as did millions of other babies.
When my sister was born (now 13) they used to tell you to make them all up (milk in water) and store in the fridge for up to 24 hours, and she also lived to tell the tale.
The same way as we all survived being put to bed lying on our fronts.
They change the guidelines every 5 minutes so no doubt they'll be saying something else next week.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 18/02/2013 19:30

that's not helpful either.
pkenty of babies didn't syrvive those things which is why the guidelines were changed.

dreamingofsun · 18/02/2013 19:32

i would be getting husband to update them on smoking guidelines if my baby came back smelling of smoke. guidelines have changed since i've had kids and i'm guessing they have since your MIL did. i believe she should be changing clothes after smoking and before holding a baby and not doing it for 1 hour after smoking.

i would use this as a way of establishing and showing my position. there would be no argument on this.

there have only been a couple of instances where i've had to do this - once when my BIL took baby out in car and didn't use car seat (because it was only down the road) and over some very poor quality unhealthy food my IL's were feeding kids (despite me providing a healthy option).

i've also found it useful to smile sweetly and say 'thats nice of grandma but we are going to......'. Or the current thinking is.......Or my HV says.......

dreamingofsun · 18/02/2013 19:33

both my husband and BIL have asthma - probably due to my MIL's smoking. a few years ago my husband nearly died.

5madthings · 18/02/2013 19:34

Making milk up with hot water, cooling it quickly and then storing it in the fridge is what they recommend if you can't make each feed up fresh.

The guidelines have been the same food at least five yes now as those were the guidelines when I had ds4. They don't change them all the time and they changed therm because babies were getting I'll and in some cases died.

Visiting your mil every wkend is way Ott, a chat with dh sounds the way to go.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/02/2013 19:43

Some children unfortunately didn't survive being put on their fronts and having bottles made up incorrectly. Plenty of people in other countries live with contaminated water and malaria. Doesn't mean it is what I would choose for my DC if I have a choice.

It sounds like you and MIL are both U and NU in equal measure. Bottles - YABU, food - SIBU, smoking SIBVU, leaving the baby with childcare and not family - YABabitU.

Branleuse · 18/02/2013 19:44

sounds like how my nana was with me as a little girl. Didn't effect my relationship with my mum, but i was always super close to my nana too.

Longtalljosie · 19/02/2013 12:20

The same way as we all survived being put to bed lying on our fronts.

We didn't all survive though, did we? What a crass thing to say...

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 19/02/2013 12:36

You're making up the formula incorrectly. The most recent guidelines, informed by the most recent research, state that you should use water which is at least 70 degrees to mix with the powder because the powder is NOT sterile and if mixed with lukewarm or cold water and then stored, it provides the optimum breeding ground for many forms of very dangerous bacteria. The risks are infinitely lower if you mix with freshly boiled water of at least 70 degrees and use as soon as possible.

Anyway, that aside, I think you're possibly dwelling on more issues than are strictly necessary with your MIL. I know it's harder to feel as relaxed about her caring for your child as you do with your own mother, but nothing you've described sounds like an insurmountable problem IMO.

Goldmandra · 19/02/2013 13:31

OP, you are clearly very anxious and you've had a difficult start with this baby. This is probably making you a bit more sensitive but I don't think you are wrong to feel uncomfortable about how your MIL behaves around you with your baby.

If she wants to buy formula and nappies that's great but it doesn't feel very good if it is about her pretending your baby is hers rather than about her helping you out.

Once you are back at work she will be able to do what she wants but she doesn't sound like the type to do things she knows will harm your baby (with the exception of the second hand smoke of course). I think your problem is going to be her attitude to you as the baby's mother.

I think that in your shoes I would be openly challenging her behaviour around me right now.

"No thank you, MIL. I will change her myself in a minute." Get up and take her off your MIL if she tries to ignore you.

"I have her food here and I wold prefer her to eat this thank you."

Be prepared to be calm but very firm while you are around so she gets the idea that you will retain control.

While she is looking after your DD she will feed her different food. That you probably can't stop. What you can do is say that you'd like her to let you know what she's eaten so you know if a new food has been introduced and how much she is eating each day. That is something all childminders do with babies so it's perfectly reasonable. It also sends out the message that while she is with your MIL she is still your DD and you remain ultimately responsible for her well-being.

If you can make these subtle changes to your relationship now your MIL may start to accept that the role of mother is yours, not hers, and it may prevent problems like the holiday issue occurring in the future. I guess the DSC's mother didn't challenge her early on so your MIL thinks she has carte blanche to make more and more decisions independently. I'd prefer to set the ground rules about nappy changes now than about holidays in a few years time.

You need to talk to your DH and make sure he will back you up when you stand up to her because a united front is essential. You need to decide together what is worth making a fuss for and you also need to have a serious discussion about the second hand smoke. If your baby smells of it she is inhaling it. That is something you need to think seriously about.