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AIBU?

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Original poster

to ask advice. i stalked on twitter, wish i hadn't. found out horrible things, do i tell DH?

81 replies

MoodyDidIt · 18/02/2013 10:30

there is a long back story to this, i don't want to drip feed so here it is in a nutshell. dh has a DD from a previous marriage. for the sake of this post i will call her SD even though i don't really have the right. as DH doesn't see her at the moment because SD doesn't want to (basically because of her mum causing loads of trouble). he is not in contact with SDs mum at all other than he pays maintenance via csa. he has tried and tried to stay in touch with his DD but she is not interested at the moment. and we don't even know where they live at the moment.

anyway just joined twitter and decided to start seeing who i could find on there, well i found SD (just turned 16) and was quite shocked at what i found, there is semi naked pics, and loads of sex and drugs talk, honestly it takes a lot to shock me but it made me feel sick :( i know i shouldn't have looked, but her profile is open and i just couldn't help myself.

should i tell him? or just leave it alone, as technically SD is an adult....he can't really do much anyway, maybe tell her mum, (although god knows how seeing as he doesnt even know her address or anything).... plus i am embarassed for looking, but i was curious as SD is my DD's half sister :(

and as an aside, her twitter could be a way for DH to get in touch with SD without having to go through her mum as he has had to for the last 5 years.

wwyd?

OP posts:
ArtexMonkey · 18/02/2013 10:35

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MaxPepsi · 18/02/2013 10:47

I'd tell him

You have nothing to be embarassed about. It's natural to look people up and look at their photo's and see why they are up to. It's hardly stalking.

My DH doesn't see his daugther often despite his best efforts. I looked for her on FB. She was on there, I told him and they have become 'friends' on there.

FB seems to be the only way she's happy to communicate with him now so I'd suggest your DH messages her on there? admit to not knowing how twitter works and see what happens.

ProphetOfDoom · 18/02/2013 10:56

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ArtexMonkey · 18/02/2013 11:11

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WilsonFrickett · 18/02/2013 11:14

If he wants to get back in contact he can send a private message - it's called a direct message. But he needs to look at her profile first and talk that through with you before he does anything. If he views her profile and sends an angry message, he's not going to get anywhere with her. At all.

I hope he can get in touch and rebuild his relationship as she sounds very vulnerable, but he will have to tread very carefully and not go with both feet when he sees what she's up to, basically.

CSIJanner · 18/02/2013 11:18

Silly girl - once its on the net, it's cached and it essentially there forever Sad

She should be advised lock her account down and to delete before random weirdos take copies and post elsewhere. Like cheap porn sites. It's happened before and cost at least three friends interviews, promotion and their job plus university places.

The Internet Is Forever

Birdsgottafly · 18/02/2013 11:25

Tell him, but my middle DD (17) posts lots of stuff,on FB, that i would rather she didn't, regarding sex, she is celebate at the moment.

The pictures have calmed down, as she has started to get more into feminism.

All i am saying, is don't over react, what is posted may not be what she is doing in RL.

Some girls like the attention and tbf, all they have to do is to wear skimpy clothes to get it, it doesn't always suggest bad parenting, or absent parenting.

It seems to be a phase that a lot of girls go through.

Approach this in the wrong way and your DH could destroy any chance of a relationship with her.

BluelightsAndSirens · 18/02/2013 11:29

I think you should tell him and agree that angry concrontation would be received well

Good luck

Original poster
MoodyDidIt · 18/02/2013 11:34

However, there is evidence suggesting a link between absent fathers/girls seeking male approval & attention through sex

he is not an "absent father" ....if it was up to him he would be fully involved in her life, but that choice has been taken away from him.

OP posts:
Lottikins · 18/02/2013 11:38

If she is 16 she is not an adult.

Original poster
MoodyDidIt · 18/02/2013 11:44

i agree lottikins, i was certainly not an adult at 16, no where near. but i mean in the eyes of the law for example, sex etc

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soverylucky · 18/02/2013 11:56

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ProphetOfDoom · 18/02/2013 12:14

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SashaSashays · 18/02/2013 12:26

I completely agree with Birds I have a teenager and it does seem to be a phase, particularly with girls.

We know this is what we were and they are all talking about at this age, Twitter and Facebook allow them to post it, it doesn't mean its what they are actually doing.

Teen girls especially seem to love the attention available through social media, I'm sure you're aware of the dreaded duck face. I've been Shock at some of the pages my DC have shown me of certain girls who I had previously thought to be very prim and proper, who based on twitter you would think are some sort of nymphomaniac millionaire alcoholics with no parents.

My DC put things online which aren't exactly to my approval but its the nature of the beast.

Original poster
MoodyDidIt · 18/02/2013 12:46

ok well absent father makes it sound like some feckless arse who couldn't give a shit about his kids, and DH is so far removed from that its untrue. he would give anything to have her back in his life. and so would i.

i hope you are right sasha and its all talk :(

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AnyFucker · 18/02/2013 12:53

this girl is not "practically an adult"

do what you need to do

MadBusLady · 18/02/2013 12:58

I don't see why you shouldn't tell DH. You weren't doing anything wrong in looking up the profiles of people you know. That's what they're there for, after all, if they're not locked.

But after that there's so many issues. I think he/you would have to decide:
a) whether you want to use Twitter to try and open contact with her
OR
b) whether you want to warn her about her posting style, and just hope she listens.

Seems to me the two are unlikely to go together very well (though (a) could in time lead to (b) if the contact is successful.)

I feel so sorry for this generation Sad I am just about old enough to have been reasonably mature (ha!) by the time social media took off in a big way. I'm sure I've made a total arse of myself online in various ways, but some of the stuff I see younger people posting makes me wince. I think the next generations of net users will get progressively more careful.

ProphetOfDoom · 18/02/2013 12:59

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Original poster
MoodyDidIt · 18/02/2013 14:34

thanks for the advice....have spoken to a RL friend as well and i think i am going to tell him.

it won't be easy. i know it upsets him talking about her, so i don't like bringing her up in conversation, i know its awkward for him. but this is not about him its about her.

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AThingInYourLife · 18/02/2013 14:41

"My dh sometimes is involved in recruitment at his work, and the first thing they do is google candidates and see if there is anything public on their fb or twitter that is unprofessional."

He should really stop doing that. It's very dodgy territory.

Original poster
MoodyDidIt · 18/02/2013 16:14

yeah i agree athing ....as people's online persona and private life doesn't necessarily mean they will be a bad employee Hmm

and if they don't find anything it may be just that the candidate is good at hiding themselves (ie fb / twitter under a fake name etc)

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MikeOxardAndWellard · 18/02/2013 16:45

I wonder what the other side of the story is. Why hasn't he bothered looking on twitter for her himself, if he's so keen to contact her? You could suggest he looks on there for her and see if he bothers, and let him discover the situation for himself.

Cherriesarelovely · 18/02/2013 16:46

Good luck OP. I feel very much for your dh. My Db was in a situation like that for several years and it was very painful. Happily he is part of his wonderful dcs lives again. I hope your dh can be reconciled with his dd.

Original poster
MoodyDidIt · 18/02/2013 16:54

mikeox - because for the last 5 years, every time he has even attempted to get in contact with her it has been met with a tirade of abuse from DS's vile mum ....he has been told all sorts and does not know what to believe. it got to the stage where he stayed away because he was told to stay away by her mum. but i believe her mum was probably then telling dsd her dad had abandoned her and all sorts of crap.

am so glad your brother sorted his situation cherries

we'd love to have SD in our lives. she has a beautiful little half-sister who would love to be her friend :( a potential little step brother, and a lovely home she would be welcome in anytime. shame her mum has completely poisoned her against her lovely Ddad.

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MikeOxardAndWellard · 18/02/2013 17:03

That's not a great excuse tbh. I'd be pissed off if (from sd's perspective) he hadn't bothered with her for 5 years due to her mum being verbal when he tried a few times, then after 5 years he still hadn't bothered, but his wife had and then persuaded by the wife, he finally contacts in order to tell her off about her twitter profile. It will go down like a lead balloon.