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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask advice. i stalked on twitter, wish i hadn't. found out horrible things, do i tell DH?

81 replies

MoodyDidIt · 18/02/2013 10:30

there is a long back story to this, i don't want to drip feed so here it is in a nutshell. dh has a DD from a previous marriage. for the sake of this post i will call her SD even though i don't really have the right. as DH doesn't see her at the moment because SD doesn't want to (basically because of her mum causing loads of trouble). he is not in contact with SDs mum at all other than he pays maintenance via csa. he has tried and tried to stay in touch with his DD but she is not interested at the moment. and we don't even know where they live at the moment.

anyway just joined twitter and decided to start seeing who i could find on there, well i found SD (just turned 16) and was quite shocked at what i found, there is semi naked pics, and loads of sex and drugs talk, honestly it takes a lot to shock me but it made me feel sick :( i know i shouldn't have looked, but her profile is open and i just couldn't help myself.

should i tell him? or just leave it alone, as technically SD is an adult....he can't really do much anyway, maybe tell her mum, (although god knows how seeing as he doesnt even know her address or anything).... plus i am embarassed for looking, but i was curious as SD is my DD's half sister :(

and as an aside, her twitter could be a way for DH to get in touch with SD without having to go through her mum as he has had to for the last 5 years.

wwyd?

OP posts:
MoodyDidIt · 18/02/2013 17:12

sorry mike but you have NO IDEA the shit we have all put up with from exw. no idea. being "verbal when he tried a few times" does not even come close. no where near.

OP posts:
soverylucky · 18/02/2013 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 18/02/2013 17:40

I dont think the op or her husband are in any postion whatsoever to say anything, if there is terrible communication between your dh and his ex then thats not the dds fault but unfortunately whichever way you look at it and even if the photos are bad then you`ll have to leave well alone, unless your dh never wants contact with her.

I`m not saying thats right but because he is absent then he has no right.

ArtexMonkey · 18/02/2013 19:07

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ArtexMonkey · 18/02/2013 19:08

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AThingInYourLife · 18/02/2013 19:13

"then companies are perfectly within their rights to think that being associated with that kind of thing is not for them."

Not necessarily.

Not employing someone on the basis of their political beliefs or chosen pastimes is not that legal.

If it's an advertised job it's not recommended.

Any more than going out looking for gossip about people is part of recruitment best practise.

AThingInYourLife · 18/02/2013 19:18

That's not to say it's smart to put naked photos on Twitter.

But someone working in recruitment doing social media searches if candidates to screen out undesirables, such as single mothers or feminists (let's be real, nobody really gives a shit if people get drunk occasionally) is asking for a discrimination case to be taken against them.

Salmotrutta · 18/02/2013 19:19

AThing - it's a fact of life that your digital footprint will follow you around.

Not only employers but colleges and universities can, and do, check out people's Internet usage to screen them.

It's not illegal or dodgy at all. It is the way it now works and youngsters better wise up actually. And adults if it comes to that.

Salmotrutta · 18/02/2013 19:22

There are computer companies who are contracted by some employers to check out potential employees backgrounds.

If you are about to employ someone in an industry that requires discretion you'd check employees out.

Portofino · 18/02/2013 19:23

I find it concerning that some posters are complacent about what their teenage dd's post on Fb!! My profile is closed and in a different name than I use for work but still I never post anything negative EVER about my employer on the net.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 18/02/2013 19:32

What will your dh do exactly? His daughter doesn't want contact for whatever reasons and he has stood by that. He will either go wading in where he isn't welcome at the moment telling her what to do which won't go down well after 5 years of no contact, or he will leave it and be quietly upset. Either way its not good for him and won't change whats on her page.

It would go down better if the initial contact isn't a lecture should you decide to tell him though.

Snazzynewyear · 18/02/2013 19:33

The poster who said send a DM (Direct Message) - this is only possible if the person follows you. So sounds like not an option here.

The real issue here is making a concerted effort, through the proper channels, to re-establish contact. I am not an expert on this and I hear you, OP, that you have had all sorts of shit to put up with, but others who know more must be able to advise you on what you can do. Surely even if a child refuses to see their father, there has to be a facility for you being able to write to them securely or something?

The reason I say this is that without there being a 'current' relationship there, I can't see either the SD or the mother taking a blind bit of notice of what you say about this. It will be another stick to beat you with ('sticking their noses in my business' 'judgemental' etc) so I would focus on whatever you can do to get your DH a presence in her life again.

mrsbunnylove · 18/02/2013 19:39

if she's still at school, contact the child protection officer. that's what i did when daughter's younger half-sister posted semi naked pictures of herself. the school took it seriously.

the girl however, didn't. google her name and you find some more recent pictures of her, and her statement of what a 'hoe' she is. and she doesn't mean a garden implement.

flixy102 · 18/02/2013 21:47

This topic really caught my eye, I've done something similar but different circumstances. I too have a DSD, 15. Her dad, my DH is involved, sees her every week, pays maintenance etc.

Anyway, I joined twitter too and had a search for her. I found her profile and was really shocked by what I saw. There's lots of angry/sad tweets about being fat/ugly/no friends etc and she alludes to self harming a few times. She always seems such a happy girl, doing well at school, goes out with friends, happy at home with mum and step dad.

I don't know whether to say anything to my DH about his DD seeming so unhappy, I don't want to break her trust by letting her know that I was looking at her page. And I'm not sure if its just normal teenage angst or something more. Sad

SirBoobAlot · 18/02/2013 22:09

I don't think you're unreasonable to be concerned. But what could you or your DH do about it? For whatever reason he hasn't had contact with her for years. How well exactly do you think it would go down if he suddenly posts on her twitter feed, "Hi, it's your dad, know we haven't spoken for years, but could you only post clothed pictures? I'm worried about you." I know what my reaction would have been at 16 if my resident dad had been telling me what to post.

ArtexMonkey · 19/02/2013 00:41

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tee2072 · 19/02/2013 06:43

It's not "breaking trust" to go to a public page and read it. It's not a diary or something!

If its on Twitter, the person wants it read.

The first thing it sounds like most of you need to do is learn how social media actually works. Or ban your children from using it at all.

AThingInYourLife · 19/02/2013 07:58

"If your cv lists 'going to the pub' and nothing else under hobbies,you may not find yourself setting job short lists on fire any time soon,is this illegal discrimination due to 'chosen pastimes'? Similarly if your social media shows you to have no concept of personal discretion, expect the same thing, common sense surely?"

Confused

Um, no.

Or at least only in the sense that good sense and common sense often diverge.

Do you really think putting something on your CV for the consideration of a prospective employer is the same thing as talking about it elsewhere with your friends?

If you are telling people not to talk about stuff online that employers might find distasteful, you need to include things like whether they are disabled, whether they are a mother, whether they are of certain ethnic backgrounds.

If you are hiring for a publicly advertised job, you are not allowed to screen people out because you find their political views unpalatable.

You have to be able to show why you shortlisted the people you did.

Listing your searches and your personal objections to things they have said online will be interesting.

If you find out things you are specifically not allowed to even ask about at interview, how do you show that you didn't use that information as a reason to exclude?

You yourself said earlier that employers would (and should) use this method to screen out people who said things they found unpalatable.

Do you really think that is OK?

You can try to cover it with weasel words like "lack of discretion", but it amounts to the same thing.

A rugby-loving pisshead who makes sexist jokes will be AOK, but an outspoken disability campaigner will be suspect.

That's why we have equality legislation.

And that is why this is dodgy ground.

Tee2072 · 19/02/2013 08:07

Yes. What Athing said.

Although it would be hard to prove that's why you didn't get the job, it could be done.

Although being a twat on the internet is not a protected class. Grin

AThingInYourLife · 19/02/2013 08:40

:o

No, but "was a bit of a slapper in her teens" as a reason not to give someone a job is pretty much open and shut gender discrimination.

Coconutty · 19/02/2013 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnwardBound · 19/02/2013 09:33

I think what AThing is trying to say is that although posters here say they wouldn't check a prospective employee's profile for evidence of single motherhood, disability or ethnicity there are some employers that might.

And then we really are on dodgy ground.

HollyBerryBush · 19/02/2013 09:43

Interesting that you can't screen out on eg political beliefs - plenty of threads on here lately about racist/inappropriate jokes on FB and there have been a pack mentailty rushing to print it off and put it on the bosses desk.

So what I've deduced is: you can't screen someone out for being racist, but you can subsequently sack them for it? Hmm

Tee2072 · 19/02/2013 10:08

Coco the responsibility is on your DH, or his company, to prove that's not what he's looking for/at. Very hard to prove a negative.

badinage · 19/02/2013 13:55

Saw this thread yesterday.

To bring it back on point, the DH sounds a bit lame as a father not having contact with his own daughter for 5 years. Why hasn't he gone to court?

Why is the mum so angry? Did he leave her for you? That would explain the daughter's anger as well as her behaviour now. Lots of girls whose dad has buggered off with another woman, started a new family and done nothing official about access, go off the rails a bit in their teens. If you found her through social networking, so could he and at 16 he could have contacted her directly.

If that's how he left, it's a bit late to play the concerned father now, although he should make contact with her, of course.

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