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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wearing fur

59 replies

Gobsmackedcph · 17/02/2013 13:51

I'm genuinely confused as to what to do. I am a vehemently anti fur, I think it's completely unnecessary in this day and age. The conditions that animals are kept in in fur farms all over the world are horrendous and not something that I would ever want to be involved in for the sake of fashion. As a disclaimer, I do eat meat but only free range from our butcher. My opinion is that breeding animals for meat in humane conditions is ok, breeding animals in horrific conditions for the sake of fashion is not ok. I accept that these are my opinions and that not everyone will agree with me.

My dilemma is that I have just found out that a friend is going to buy a real fur stole to wear to her wedding in September. Her reasons are that it will keep her warm for the photos outside, it will become a family heirloom and that her husband to be will think it's very sexy.

I am absolutely horrified that I have known her for 3 years and had no idea that we were so far apart on animal rights issues. I am actually really upset and worried, of course it is her day, her decision, her life but I am not sure that I can actually stand there and hug her and have photos with this horrendous thing around her neck that I am so against.

So I need a bit of perspective, should I keep my nose out, accept that it is her decision and although I can't respect that decision should I just laugh along happily and cover up my feelings? Or do I go to the other extreme and not go to the wedding, of course the last thing that I want to do is for my opinions to affect her special day. Or is there a happy medium?

I guess my question is, AIBU to think that I might actually not be able to bring myself to go to my friend's wedding because she will be wearing fur?

OP posts:
StuffezLaBouche · 17/02/2013 13:56

You really wouldn't go because of this? Whether you agree with it or not, buying fur is legal. You should accept her stance on this, despite having a totally different POV.
The process of turning cow hide into leather isn't exactly glamourous either.

ScarletLady02 · 17/02/2013 13:58

Hmmm.....tricky one. It would turn my stomach to be honest, but if she was a good friend, I'd suck it up and not make a big deal out of it on her wedding day as it is her choice. I probably wouldn't be able to help myself saying something about fur farming conditions prior to the day though. Maybe you could casually point her in the direction of some more "ethical" fur....if there is such a thing. I'm completely against all fur, but I know not all of it is farmed. I'm guessing it would be white fur though?? Not sure how ethical that could be Hmm

Branleuse · 17/02/2013 13:59

youre a hypocrite

animals are animals and if you are ok with killing some for your pleasure, why are you horrified at her having others killed for hers

Cybbo · 17/02/2013 14:00

I think you should paint some placards and march up and down outside the church

Seriously, if you were to decline, what reason would you give? I think it would be the (pointless) end of your friendship

ceramicunicorn · 17/02/2013 14:01

YABU

mrsjay · 17/02/2013 14:04

go to her wedding you can say you dont like fur and still go, do you wear leather or any other animal skin the conditions and methods used for that isn't exactly humane either,

momb · 17/02/2013 14:05

Are you going to refuse the eat the wedding breakfast if the meat isn't organic/free range/outdoor reared? Or if she chooses leather shoes?
You can only live your life to your standards and beliefs. If you don't want to go then don't go. You cannot expect her to share your beliefs, and to proselytise at this point woud be unreasonable.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 17/02/2013 14:05

YABU and a hypocrite.

Paribus · 17/02/2013 14:08

YABU

maddening · 17/02/2013 14:08

If you value your principles more than the friendship then don't go and wave goodbye - I am anti fur and veggie but would not end a friendship because someone else wore fur or ate meat

mrsjay · 17/02/2013 14:09

fwiw I wouldn't wear fur and wear nasty synthetic shoes I would go veggie but i would probably starve , but you really can't push your own views on others like that imo

Flojobunny · 17/02/2013 14:09

I know how you feel. Do you think maybe rather than wait until the wedding a miss it or go there unhappy, you could talk to her before she buys it and maybe talk her out of it and in to getting fake fur? Maybe go as far as telling her how you feel and that other guests will probably feel the same since no one likes fur these days.

Salmotrutta · 17/02/2013 14:09

What kind of fur?

Maybe it's rabbit that is bred for meat anyway.

No point in waste.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2013 14:09

How is she being hypocritical ? Confused

Fur wearing is quite different to leather wearing - leather is a by product of the meat industry whereas animals are slaughtered for the sole purpose of wearing them for fur.

Added to which killing cows is legally controlled and done as humanely as possible - with fur from abroad animals are skinned alive to preserve the quality of the fur. Are not stunned - and are killed and kept in dreadful conditions

HoHoHoNoYouDont · 17/02/2013 14:13

What Laurie said.

If I were you OP I'd send your friend some facts about the fur industry in case she isn't aware and if she chooses to still buy the fur then you have to accept her decision.

ScarletLady02 · 17/02/2013 14:18

I don't think YABU for it to affect you. I wouldn't end a friendship over it, but if she's a good friend, I'm sure you could mention that the fur industry is something you don't agree with.

Me and DH disagree massively on some things (for a start, I'm a life-long veggie and he eats meat)...I still love him though.

Hissy · 17/02/2013 14:19

there is a WORLD of difference between the Fur Trade and leather/food industry.

I agree with Laurie, and tbh, if anyone is THAT shallow as to buy real fur for their wedding, then tbh, they'd hardly be a loss as a friend.

whois · 17/02/2013 14:23

YABU and a hypocrite. Are you saying you've never eaten meat in a restaurant, or abroad?

Friends can have different view points and you shouldn't throw away a friendship over this.

How would you feel of a vegan or veggie friend was saying about YOU and how they want to throw away the friendship cos you eat meat??

mrsjay · 17/02/2013 14:24

if the leather comes from abroad it is really different

MinnieBar · 17/02/2013 14:24

YASooooooooNBU OP.

In fact, not only should you veto the wedding, but you should wait outside with a pot of blood-red paint to chuck over her as she comes out.

Hmm
NeedlesCuties · 17/02/2013 14:29

YABU.

FrancesFarmer · 17/02/2013 14:35

YABU.

Many people don't feel as strongly as you about fur.

MrsWolowitzerables · 17/02/2013 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bue · 17/02/2013 14:48

I had no idea that some people actually base their friendships on animal rights issues. How boring if we're only allowed to be friends with people who share every single one of our values!

I suppose if it's that important to you then don't go, but the friendship will be over.

Chiggers · 17/02/2013 14:50

I guess you would have to think about the following:

  1. Do you know the actual conditions that the animal was kept in?
  2. Was the animal a wild one and had a 'free range' life?
  3. Did it die of natural causes or was it killed?
  4. Was the death peaceful or was it brutal?
  5. If it was killed, did it die instantly or was the death prolonged and painful?
  6. Do you know if the animal was kept and killed just for the fur?
  7. Did other parts of the animal end up as food?

I know that if I was to have, say, rabbit, I would make sure every part (apart from the internal organs) were used.

If the animal was kept in horrendous conditions, then I would think that death would be a welcome release from having to live like that, so why have the animals die in vain when most parts could probably be used, not wasted (unless the meat etc was contaminated with drugs/disease).

I know someone who made a fur hat and gloves from the skins of road-killed rabbits and wild rabbits shot for food. I wouldn't be upset about those ways of getting the fur, but I would be disgusted about animals kept in horrid conditions and keeping them like that just for their fur.

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