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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wearing fur

59 replies

Gobsmackedcph · 17/02/2013 13:51

I'm genuinely confused as to what to do. I am a vehemently anti fur, I think it's completely unnecessary in this day and age. The conditions that animals are kept in in fur farms all over the world are horrendous and not something that I would ever want to be involved in for the sake of fashion. As a disclaimer, I do eat meat but only free range from our butcher. My opinion is that breeding animals for meat in humane conditions is ok, breeding animals in horrific conditions for the sake of fashion is not ok. I accept that these are my opinions and that not everyone will agree with me.

My dilemma is that I have just found out that a friend is going to buy a real fur stole to wear to her wedding in September. Her reasons are that it will keep her warm for the photos outside, it will become a family heirloom and that her husband to be will think it's very sexy.

I am absolutely horrified that I have known her for 3 years and had no idea that we were so far apart on animal rights issues. I am actually really upset and worried, of course it is her day, her decision, her life but I am not sure that I can actually stand there and hug her and have photos with this horrendous thing around her neck that I am so against.

So I need a bit of perspective, should I keep my nose out, accept that it is her decision and although I can't respect that decision should I just laugh along happily and cover up my feelings? Or do I go to the other extreme and not go to the wedding, of course the last thing that I want to do is for my opinions to affect her special day. Or is there a happy medium?

I guess my question is, AIBU to think that I might actually not be able to bring myself to go to my friend's wedding because she will be wearing fur?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gobsmackedcph · 17/02/2013 14:50

I think I may have worded my question wrong, I wouldn't not go to the wedding because of her choice to wear fur, nor would I want to end our friendship because of it. I just wouldn't want to put her in an awkward position, I don't think it would be right for me to start lecturing her about fur production on her wedding day but equally I wouldn't have a clue what to say to her if she asked me what I thought of her 'beautiful stole'.

Is there a middle ground somewhere?

(BTW I knew I would get some flaming for eating meat and being anti fur and like I said I know it is only my opinon but I truely believe that breeding free range pigs for eating are very different to breeding caged foxes for fur production)

OP posts:
Original poster
Gobsmackedcph · 17/02/2013 14:51

BTW Its going to be a mink stole from a Danish mink farm as apparently they are the most luxurious...

OP posts:
FillyPutty · 17/02/2013 14:51

Is fur really worse than a Tesco horse pork shit beef burger?

ScarletLady02 · 17/02/2013 14:55

If she asks you what she thinks of it, just tell her you don't like fur and why, but if she likes it then that's up to her....if she's a really good friend she'd accept you don't like it, just as you can accept that she does.

It is a tricky one, but I'm veggie and am quite happy telling meat-eaters that I can't stand the thought of eating meat, but if they want to then it's their choice.

Ashoething · 17/02/2013 14:55

Yes YABVVVU

LurkingBeagle · 17/02/2013 15:00

I think it's a non-issue. If she asks the question you mention above, just change the subject ("I LOVE your shoes!") and she will get the message.

I don't have a particular issue with wearing fur, although I tend to buy old/vintage (and spend a fortune on cleaning!) All very morally subjective, but I tend to think the fact that the animal was dead before I was born and was killed in a less enlightened time when fabrics of equivalent warmth were not available, makes it more palatable.

Bue · 17/02/2013 15:00

You don't need a middle ground, because I can't actually see an issue here since you are happy to go to the wedding. Your friend is very unlikely to solicit a comment on her stole in the middle of her wedding day. And if she does just tell her tactfully you are anti-fur and change the topic to something happier!

twinklesparkles · 17/02/2013 15:22

Yabu

Methe · 17/02/2013 15:27

Yabu

cheeseandchive · 17/02/2013 15:33

Look, if you don't know if it'd be right for you to lecture her on her wedding day then don't do it. You aren't being asked to go to a fashion show and show your approval for fur coats, you're being asked to attend to celebrate her marriage and support her in her relationship. If a friend of mine spent so much energy focussing on what I was wearing on my wedding day, I'd be frustrated that she was totally missing the point.

There may well be a time and a place for you two to have intense discussions about the morality of wearing fur, her wedding day is not it.

HollaAtMeBaby · 17/02/2013 15:48

YABU and unnecessarily judgy.

FloJo, you are completely wrong to say "no one likes fur these days", because clearly the OP's friend does and I fucking LOVE it

Toughasoldboots · 17/02/2013 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 17/02/2013 15:56

I'm a vegetarian (been 33 years or so) and I don't like fur but each to their own IMHO.
I can't change peoples views -and I CBA trying to explain myself most of the time. I go about my life.

I would do my Daily Mail sadface for the photos if I had to stand next to her
and
Gloat in the knowledge that September if quite warm. So if I tucked her up in her "lovely real dead animal stole. You don't want to catch a chill, do you dear" ; she'll be puce and overheated for her photos.

Grin
BarbJohnson5 · 17/02/2013 16:01

YABU if you want to ruin a friendship over fur. How do you know she's not going to buy a vintage piece? It doesn't mean she agrees with the fur trade and how the animals are killed/skinned and treated. Everyone has their own likes/dislikes and opinions on what's ethical to them. You'll ruin her day if you show such disdain for her choice in clothing on HER big day. I wear vintage fur coats and would never buy a brand new piece. I'm just recycling what has already existed well before i was born and i'm in my 40's. It is what it is....

CrazyOldCatLady · 17/02/2013 16:10

If she asks, say, 'Well, I'm not really a fan of real fur, but your dress is gorgeous' and get on with your day. It's not as big an issue as you're making out.

noddyholder · 17/02/2013 16:15

Is it new or vintage in which case its recycling? It has become a lot more acceptable to wear 'old' fur in the last few years and I live in brighton where animal activists are rife and I met a real radical woman last year who said she would wear it. I was at an antique auction with dp and a woman seller who had loads of furs asked me to try one on as she wanted to see it on. It was old and it looked amazing and was so so warm but I just wouldn't wear. Don't end a friendship though

Toughasoldboots · 17/02/2013 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LunaticFringe · 17/02/2013 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 17/02/2013 16:29

I do know of an ethical fur seller if that's any help (mainly rabbit fur from rabbits farmed for meat and the rest is either vintage or from animals that died naturally).

Though I am unfussed about fur, I can sort of see your point. It's sometimes difficult to pursue a friendship with someone when you realise that you have very, very different views on an emotive issue (eg immigration, abortion, the sex industry as well as animal rights). But if she's a really good friend then the correct option is as someone said above, saying something along the lines of 'Well I don't like real fur but your dress is nice and I wish you all the best'. and leave it at that.

Branleuse · 17/02/2013 16:35

i dont see ANY difference between eating meat or wearing fur, except eating meat kills more animals and ofc theyre less fluffy.

Being bred to be killed for your sandwiches makes absolutely no difference to how the pig feels about it as his little piggy throat is being slit.

I say this as someone who does eat meat, therefore would never try and moralise over someone who wore a cowhide jacket or a mink/rabbit stole, even if i personally wouldnt wear it

Branleuse · 17/02/2013 16:38

and id think a mink in a fur farm had a much better life than a chicken in a battery farm

Tasmania · 17/02/2013 16:51

YABU.

Do you wear leather? Where do you think does that come from?

I love animals, too... and while I would never buy anything with fur myself (not really me), sometimes, I do wear a piece of clothing that has fur (shock horror). Most of them are heirlooms from my grandmother. One is new - it was given to me as a wedding present by an old lady who was friends with my parents. She made it herself. The fur came from her husband's "hobby" (breeding non-rare animals), and you could categorize those animals as having lived in humane conditions (much better than that, actually). As it sometimes happens, some of them do end up as food, and you may as well use the fur, too.

Scuttlebutter · 17/02/2013 16:55

OP, is it possible for you to point her in the direction of a really glamorous fake fur? I'd do it by saying something like "Ooh, Fenwicks (or wherever) now stock those gorgeous items from that v swish French company La Maison de la Fausse Fourrrure. It'd be lovely to come and help you choose that" or point her at some other really nice faux stockists. It may be that she has not considered a fake - these days, there are some gorgeous ones around that look and feel wonderful. It might also be that you could find an even more desirable and glamourous alternative than fur? Somewhere like Liberty's would be a good place to start for some beautiful shawl etc?

I completely understand where you are coming from - I'd feel quite sick seeing that at her wedding and it would be a real problem for me. If taking a positive step like mentioned above didn't work, I think I'd have to have a chat with her about it. But honestly, I'd be re-evaluating my friendship with her after this if she insisted on a mink (and boak at her DH thinking it sexy). If she was dead set on it after knowing the issues involved, I'd probably find a subsequent engagement for the big day.

lljkk · 17/02/2013 16:57

I suppose you have to decide if it's something you feel the need to challenge her on, OP. I only have one or 2 issues I would always challenge a friend on while most things I keep quiet about & put down to differences of opinion.

Not that you asked this... but I don't think you should ask MN to adjudicate on matters of closely-held emotive principle. I suppose now you can tell that your friend might well think the same as lots of MNers, that your principles are possibly in conflict which undermines your anti-fur arguments. Perhaps knowing that will help you figure out what to do for best.

DontmindifIdo · 17/02/2013 16:58

YABU - while this is a more 'in your face' issue, would you feel the same if you found say, she buys cheap meat and battery eggs? How would you feel if a close friend who was veggie gave you a rant about meat being a dead animal that you don't need to eat for a balanced diet regardless of how nice their life was before they were killed pointlessly just so you could have something you don't need but want...

If she asks what you think of it you can quite easily say "I don't really like fur." on the day you can just tell her she's gorgeous and leave it at that.

I could be very very wrong on this, but I thought that mink was one of those animals that if they are ill or out of condition that shows in their coat, so in order for it to be a good quality fur, at least the last few months have to be good.