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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to offer to pay for Dds friend to go on a school trip?

58 replies

Cherriesarelovely · 16/02/2013 23:25

Dds class are going on a short residential trip later in the year. It is a big deal and all the kids have been excited about it already for ages. One of Dds best friends was at ours today. She was telling Dd that she really wants to go but her parents can't afford it. Dd felt so sad for her, as did we.

When the friend had gone home and Dd was in bed DP and I were discussing it and both agreed that we would love to be able to pay for Dds friend to go on the trip. Her family are absolutely lovely, kind, hardworking people, and we know they are genuinely very hard up. The thing is they are also very quiet, private people and we don't know the parents that well.

Do you think there is a way I could offer to do this without causing offence? Obviously this is assuming money is the issue and they don't have other reasons for not wanting her to go.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 16/02/2013 23:27

State school? Don't believe they can exclude on the basis of being able to afford the trip. They should have a fund to cover parents who really can't afford it.

mrsbunnylove · 16/02/2013 23:28

you could offer but bear in mind they might be using money as a convincing excuse because they don't like the idea of a residential.

aldiwhore · 16/02/2013 23:29

What wolfie says.

Do not offer to pay. It is not your business. Your heart is in the right place, sort of, but I know I would be extremely offended.

gordyslovesheep · 16/02/2013 23:29

I think that's a nice thing to do and your DD sounds lovely - but you need to be careful not to insult them - maybe approach the school and see if they can magically 'find' the funds to pay for her (from you)

Original poster

Cherriesarelovely · 16/02/2013 23:30

yes, I totally understand that they might have other reasons so I would never approach Dds friend directly about it.

OP posts:

GTbaby · 16/02/2013 23:30

It's a nice idea. But may cause offence.

Could you donate money to the school to be used to lower costs of the trip to those needing it?

Then not just one child benefits from a free trip but a few may benefit from a cheap one iyswim.

gordyslovesheep · 16/02/2013 23:31

actually that's what happened on a school trip I went on aged 10 - there was a 'draw' for a 'free' place we where all entered in and magically I won - I was the only kid not going due to cost

Original poster

Cherriesarelovely · 16/02/2013 23:32

The last thing I want to do is insult them. I don't think I will approach them. I wasn't being nosey I just felt upset for their Dd and possibly for them.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 16/02/2013 23:32

are you friendly with the parents ask them tactfully start talking about the trip and see what they say, maybe they just dont want to let their dc to go, schools usually offer alternatives like paying in installments or going into funds for people who cant afford it, I would gently approach the parents first fwiw it is a lovely idea but they maybe really offended

AgentZigzag · 16/02/2013 23:33

It must be awful for them to know other people have noticed they're strapped for cash.

I know you're thinking of your DD when you want to offer them the cash, but it's a bit of an unusual (possibly odd?) offer to make to people you're not related to/very close to.

ThisIsMummyPig · 16/02/2013 23:33

I often wonder about this. I am a guide leader, and the unit can't afford to subsidise girls, but I can. I have asked parents to return the paperwork, and said that I will apply for a grant for their DD. (I'm sure there are grants, but I don't know what, I would just put the money in myself). I have never yet had a parent return paperwork without payment. Usually those girls don't come.

Maybe you could ask the school to spin a similar line, but I'm not convinced it would work.

Original poster

Cherriesarelovely · 16/02/2013 23:33

I did think of giving the money to school instead.

OP posts:

MyCatHasStaff · 16/02/2013 23:35

The school will definitely have funds to cover children who cannot go on trips for purely financial reasons, and it would be normal for the school to contact the parents of children who say they are not going to find out what the situation is. However, it would usually be left until fairly close to the date before that was finalised. If I were you, I'd wait and see what happens. It's a nice thought though

Original poster

Cherriesarelovely · 16/02/2013 23:36

I possibly am "odd" then Agent I have often given money to people that are not my family but only if they have asked for help. I've never approached anyone.

OP posts:

deleted203 · 16/02/2013 23:36

I don't think you can offer to pay, TBH. Particularly if you don't know the parents well. We've had plenty of times when money was tight - but I would have been mortified if someone better off had rung me up and offered to pay for my kids to go on a school trip.

I don't think there is really anything you can do about this, unfortunately.

AgentZigzag · 16/02/2013 23:36

Wouldn't that be a bit deceptive ThisIs?

Parents should know who's paying for what when their children are involved.

mrsjay · 16/02/2013 23:39

I know it is a nice thing you are offering but I think I would be mortified if somebody offered to pay for my child for a school trip

steppemum · 16/02/2013 23:39

I have done this in a slightly different context.
What I did was I went to the person organising (in this case I would go to school secretary) and offer to pay anonymously for the trip for xx. Ask if they could contact her parents and say that she has been paid for IF they wish to take up the place on the trip.

Our school has residential trips that we have to pay for, they are not compulsory, and not everyone goes, (we have a sister school and sometimes it is 20 kids from sister school and 10 from ours, first come first served) so it is possible for trips to be offered like this.

Original poster

Cherriesarelovely · 16/02/2013 23:40

The parents have told us they are a bit hard up several times such as mentioning that they cannot afford to put petrol in thecar and they live on the other side of town so we always pick up Dds friend and drop her off. However, if people do think this is weird I wont say anything.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 16/02/2013 23:41

I didnt read properly you dont really know the parents well I dont think you should pay it I really don't unless they know you are

AgentZigzag · 16/02/2013 23:41

I'm not saying you're odd cherries and lending to someone who's in dire straights when they've asked you, isn't odd either.

But coming to the conclusion that to make your DDs experience of the trip is to pay for her friend to come, could perhaps be an unusual solution to come to.

I don't know, I'm only going on what I've come across, but that would be just a bit too generous.

mamalovesmojitos · 16/02/2013 23:41

Op, you sound so lovely. I hope it all
works out .

PinkFairyDust · 16/02/2013 23:41

Could you speak to the school and ask what happens to any child who can't go because of money issues (not mentioning any child)

And say that you are willing to pay x amount towards a place for a child who would like to go but may not be able to afford it and then see what the school says (they may not be able to accept it or they may not know which child isn't going not because they have money issues but maybe they are scared of the dark etc)

That way the school can approach the family tactfully :)

Fwiw you and your husband sound very lovely and caring and if a child goes because you have helped them, although they won't know, you will know it will be a lovely happy memory for that child

mrsjay · 16/02/2013 23:43

I dont think it is weird I think it is kind but paying for the whole trip could be awkward for her parents , I think the school might contact the parents

AgentZigzag · 16/02/2013 23:44

Isn't saying you're skint and cor blimey guv look at the price of petrol these days, just things people say without there necessarily being much behind it.

Everyone's skint.

(bung us a few quids cherries )

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