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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to offer to pay for Dds friend to go on a school trip?

58 replies

Cherriesarelovely · 16/02/2013 23:25

Dds class are going on a short residential trip later in the year. It is a big deal and all the kids have been excited about it already for ages. One of Dds best friends was at ours today. She was telling Dd that she really wants to go but her parents can't afford it. Dd felt so sad for her, as did we.

When the friend had gone home and Dd was in bed DP and I were discussing it and both agreed that we would love to be able to pay for Dds friend to go on the trip. Her family are absolutely lovely, kind, hardworking people, and we know they are genuinely very hard up. The thing is they are also very quiet, private people and we don't know the parents that well.

Do you think there is a way I could offer to do this without causing offence? Obviously this is assuming money is the issue and they don't have other reasons for not wanting her to go.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 16/02/2013 23:45

I think you're kind to think it too.

ironhorse · 16/02/2013 23:46

agent why is it odd someone wants to help someone less fortunate than themselves?

OP thats a very humbling gesture to make, hope it works out.

AgentProvocateur · 16/02/2013 23:46

I've done this. When DS was in P7, there was one girl not going on the residential trip. She was from a very big family, and always quite dirty, and I felt really sorry fir her. The cost of the trip for children on free school meals was £40, down from £200, so still a considerable sum. I spoke to the teacher and offered to pay the reduced rate for her.

I don't know what the school said - I asked them to keep me anonymous - but I paid and the girl went in the trip.

If there were a group not going, I might not have done it, but I couldn't bear to think of one person missing out on the trip and the associated chat before and after it.

As a side note, the girl went on to have a baby and leave school at 15. I hope she has happy memories of the trip. Sad

WorraLiberty · 16/02/2013 23:47

It's a nice thought but personally I would be mortified if one of my kid's parents offered to pay for a residential trip for them.

Just as an aside, my 13yr old DS's friend has missed every single residential trip since the juniors...stating that they can't afford it.

But his Mum told me a couple of months ago when we invited him to sleep over, that the real reason is he wets the bed.

Might be worth thinking a bit deeper IYSWIM?

BehindLockNumberNine · 16/02/2013 23:48

I would talk to the school about it. Don't assume the school has the funds to cover those that are hard up. In our school there are always several families who cannot afford the trip. The school may use their discretion and pay for one family whose circumstances are particularly difficult but it is by no means guaranteed that they can afford to pay for all / any children whose family cannot afford the trip.

Talk to the school. They may decide to put the money up themselves and offer dd's friend the chance to go on the trip or they may use your money (without telling the family it is from you).

Nice gesture though, you are very big hearted Smile

Original poster
Cherriesarelovely · 16/02/2013 23:48

I'm not offering to pay to "make Dds trip"! God, that makes us sound awful. Dd is lucky to have alot of lovely friends, who, as far as I know are going. We were offering for her friend. We are not hugely wealthy but we both have jobs, have only 1 Dd and hate to think of children missing out. However,we really are not trying to insult or patronise anybody so we wont offer.

OP posts:
BehindLockNumberNine · 16/02/2013 23:49

Also meant to add, if the family have other reasons for not wanting their dd to go on the trip they will find it easier to turn the offer from the school down as opposed to an offer coming from you Smile

DeepRedBetty · 16/02/2013 23:49

Schools do have a fund which is meant to ensure no child misses out on a trip, and at the time, between about year 1 and year 5, that I was managing on Not Very Much And Thank God For Free School Meals, the head approached me a couple of times to say that the funds were there if I'd like ddtwins to go on something. Which was great and I did take her up on it twice, for about £1100 altogether.

The trouble is that schools use a rather blunt instrument to assess need, which is the FSM list. And Free School Meals doesn't include families on Working Family Tax Credit, some of whom are actually worse off than completely not working households. That's not the school's fault, or the LEA's, just the way the system currently works.

If you can think of a tactful way to say to your dds friend's mum and dad that you'd like to give them money so their dd can go on a trip, good luck...

Having said, I notice it's 'whole class'. If you know dds friend's mum or dad well enough, no harm in mentioning how you'd 'read in some school paperwork there was a special fund so that no child missed out, isn't that nice?!'

bedmonster · 16/02/2013 23:51

I don't think it's weird at all, I think you are thinking from your own POV. And it's lovely to be in a position to be able to offer help. But it's a fine line between generostiy and patronising.

It's hard and a tricky one to approach.

  • this might be teaching their child that they can't afford everything (within their family, other DC may also have not been able to go on trips due to financial reasons too, it might seem very unfair to them)

-they might just have the one DC and feel upset they are not able to send her

-they might not want her to go regardless of money

-they might really appreciate the cash to spend on petrol/food/bills - if you are offering money, they might want it to go on essentials

-the trip may be over subscribed anyway and their DD might not get a place anyway

-what will happen if further trips become available, will you feel like you have to offer to pay every time?

Not much advice coming from me i'm afrain (and lots of spelling mistakes here I know, due to too much Wine but I can't be arsed to cerrect!) but I really hope your DDs friend makes it on the trip somehow if she wants to go.

WorraLiberty · 16/02/2013 23:52

Oh and just to add

Depending on the trip and activities, the list of clothes and equipment can often work out costly.

The list of things my DS needed for a 3 night activity trip was something like...

3 pairs of joggers
3 t.shirts
3 warm jumpers
warm coat
plastic mac
2 pairs of trainers/boating shoes
Toiletries
3 pairs of warm socks
Torch and batteries

And that ^^ is just what I can remember off the top of my head...then there's spending money for the gift shop.

The letter always says only pack old clothes that they can afford to ruin, but how many skint people can afford to have any of their kid's clothes and trainers ruined?

Rowanhart · 16/02/2013 23:53

I think this is a lovely idea and cabbie tactfully approached.

I wonder when DD's friend's birthday is, for example?

GingerbreadGretel · 16/02/2013 23:53

You are a lovely person!

My children's school make this quite easy as the forms for every trip have one line for what the trip costs and one line for what you will pay. Many people "round up", e.g. if it is £8 they pay £10. This goes into a fund for those who cannot pay the whole amount.

The PTA also give the school £500 a year specifically as a "hardship" fund to use at their discretion - might be for trips, uniform, after school club, etc.

I would maybe ask if there is something similar. e.g. if there is hardship fund you could pay into that, and then the fund might miraculously fund the trip for those not signed up.

Rowanhart · 16/02/2013 23:54

Can be! I am so sick of iPhone autocorrect...

Original poster
Cherriesarelovely · 16/02/2013 23:55

Re the petrol friends mum got upset when I asked her if she could pick her Dd up at a certain time one evening. She then text me later to say "sorry I was weird about picking Dd up I am broke this week and can't afford to put petrol in the car".

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 16/02/2013 23:56

There's nothing wrong in helping those less fortunate than yourself ironhorse, but the person on the receiving end has to make it known that they're open to be helped first.

To presume something about someone's personal finances (regardless of what you think they've said), throws up all sorts of things the OP won't have intended.

I'm not saying it to flame the OP to shit, just how such an offer would make me feel, and it'd be Shock WTF?

WorraLiberty · 16/02/2013 23:56

The school I'm a governor at does have a fund but it doesn't apply to residential trips.

The fund would be depleted instantly if it did.

It's only used for day trips and offering residential trips, doesn't mean the kids won't also be offered a day trip later in the year.

Schools can't insist on payment for activities/trips that are held within the school day, but they can charge for board and lodgings.

DeepRedBetty · 17/02/2013 00:01

I'd also like to add that the one time I did stick my neck out and specifically tell a fellow parent this fund existed, they were incredibly grateful, shot in to see Head that very afternoon, and is still friends Grin.

Original poster
Cherriesarelovely · 17/02/2013 00:01

Thanks for your thoughts all. We wont approach the parents for the reasons mentioned above. I did already say in my OP that I realise that the parents might have other reasons. We might approach the school. Thanks again.

OP posts:
steppemum · 17/02/2013 00:05

OP - I think it is a lovely idea.

Some parents won't like it
Some parents will be in tears because they wanted dd to go and couldn't afford it and felt guilty.

It would be much easier for them to make the decision to accept or deny from school rather from you. You can ask to be anonymous.

If they feel strongly about it, they will decline, which is fine.

Yes there is a fine line between kindness and patronising, but there is also the feeling of life finally giving you a break when things are hard and a generous offer comes out of the blue.

Please don't feel put off offering. The worse that can happen is that they say no.

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2013 00:05

If you approach the school, surely they can only add the money to their fund and that could mean another child getting to go on the trip.

Would you be ok with that?

bamboozled · 17/02/2013 00:07

I think it's a very kind idea, done tactfully. Good for you and your DH for wanting to help others.

Original poster
Cherriesarelovely · 17/02/2013 00:10

Yes, of course that would be a good thing. Oh dear God, I am now sitting here crying because DP is playing sad music on her ipad and I'm feeling embarrassed that I might come across as a patronising twat!

OP posts:
dikkertjedap · 17/02/2013 00:12

I think it is lovely and not weird at all. Please do speak to the Head Teacher and see if you can help.

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2013 00:18

Well there's no need to cry about it.

Do have a word with the school. Tell them you'd like to offer the money for this particular child...but you understand that their policy might well mean the parents would have to apply to use the fund.

Therefore you're willing to donate to the fund to help another child go whose parents have applied.

Can't say fairer than that and I'm sure the school will appreciate it.

gimmecakeandcandy · 17/02/2013 00:26

You sound really lovely and not at all odd. Please ignore those type of remarks!