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AIBU?

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Original poster

...to call myself "Mrs"?

147 replies

LolloRosso · 16/02/2013 20:03

Am in my thirties, gay, single, with two DCs. I've never been married (my children were born thanks to a sperm bank).

I used to be very keen to call myself "Ms" in my twenties, but now I think "Mrs" maybe sounds more respectable/authoritative...in reality, I don't know that many women who go by "Ms" now (and it's tricky enough to pronounce...)

I find that the GP, Health Visitor etc address me as "Mrs" anyway.

My only reservation, besides not being sure if I am legally "allowed" to call myself "Mrs" if unmarried/not in a civil partnership, is whether it might lead even more people to imagine that I must have been deserted by a partner. When I can be bothered, I often find myself having to explain already that I'm a single mum by choice.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 16/02/2013 20:40

I still fail to see in what circumstances discussing one's title now arises. It is simply not an issue.

If anyone asks me, I say, 'Why do you need to know?'

LineRunner · 16/02/2013 20:41

Actually I might become 'Mr'.

KatieMiddleton · 16/02/2013 20:41

Sod it, I'm going to be Frau Middleton from now on.

wem · 16/02/2013 20:42

CockyFox, married women are not always accompanied by their husbands...

KatieMiddleton · 16/02/2013 20:42

Or Lord Admiral?

KatieMiddleton · 16/02/2013 20:42

Shock wem!

Original poster
LolloRosso · 16/02/2013 20:44

The question is whether it's better to refuse to go along with it by using Ms, or subvert it altogether by using Mrs when you aren't in fact married....

Thanks purpleroses, that is what I meant by my question I think. I don't want to have a second-class/marked name, I think that "Mrs" is still the 'unmarked' version i.e. neutral, whilst 'Ms' does have different connotations, even if (some) feminists try to put those connotations in a really positive light (Zavi says: "How many married shrinking violets or doormats do you know who refer to themselves as Ms?" I.e. "Ms" is seen as an assertive choice of title)

I think now it would be great if everyone took Mrs.

OP posts:
foxywoxy · 16/02/2013 20:44

I don't think that's cockyfox's point. more why make on kind statement via the title, and then completely undermine it by taking the man's name.

kim147 · 16/02/2013 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purpleroses · 16/02/2013 20:45

Cocky - using your husband's name only lets on your married if you're with him - in which case you'd probably be happy for people to know that. Whereas using Mrs says that you're married even when your DH is nothing to do with whoever you're dealing with (car insurance, booking a work trip, etc)

digerd · 16/02/2013 20:46

I do like the german language. Once you are an adult all females are called Frau married or not. There is no distinction in title. But we live here and have always found MS a bit naff as ridiculous to pronounce. I would like the title Lady or Madame, but the former is restricted to being the wife of a Lord in english.
OP call yourself what makes you want.

BoringSchoolChoiceNickname · 16/02/2013 20:47

I think people will look at you funny if you introduce yourself as Mrs and it then subsequently emerges that you're a spinster. You will get Hmm faces galore. If you don't mind that then there's no law against it.

Tortington · 16/02/2013 20:47

whatever floats your boat - i have to say that i think your letting the side down a bit - the womens and possibly gay side - its the 21st century for fucks sake, for professionally to assume a woman with children is married is ridiculous.

i am married - i call myself Ms.

i am known professionally by my maiden name and i retain my bank account in my maiden name

i have been married 24 years and i do regret not keeping my own name. SO one day i thought fuck it - and used it anyway. and that was that.

do what makes you feel right, - i really mean that

digerd · 16/02/2013 20:47

Ps
strike out makes.

purpleroses · 16/02/2013 20:48

kim I think you should make that transation around the same time you become a woman, rather than a girl, or a man rather than a boy. Would probably depend on context, but our society already has different language for adults and children.

LineRunner · 16/02/2013 20:48

it then subsequently emerges that you're a spinster

Yes, yes because this happens all the time in the real world ....

Yama · 16/02/2013 20:49

LineRunner - if someone phones me and asks Mrs Myname? (or even Dh's Name), I will correct them. Anywhere where I am not addressed by my first name my title is used. If they pluck for the wrong title I will correct them.

Actually, as I said earlier I only correct Mrs. And, contrary to other posters' experiences it is only men who persistently get it wrong. I have only had to tell women once.

Original poster
LolloRosso · 16/02/2013 20:49

I don't know what I want Confused
A glass of Wine right now and will sleep on it.

OP posts:
SilveryMoon · 16/02/2013 20:51

I'm a Ms. I changed my surname by deed poll last year to make it the same as dp's and our ds's, I thought a bit about the title, whether I wanted to stay a Miss or not, but decided on Ms because I wanted to acknowledge that I'm not single, but not married, so I went for the one that's in the middle.
When in conversation, I do refer to dp as my husband though, is just easier.

OP I don't think it really matters though, and you should do whatever you want to. Miss, Mrs, Ms, whichever one you prefer, it doesn't actually make much difference does it?

purpleroses · 16/02/2013 20:53

Yama - why do you correct them though? (unless they've got it wrong before of course and you're annoyed with them?) I tend to take the opposite approach and though I don't call myself Mrs, if someone else does, I don't bother to correct them. Seems a step in the right direction of saying it's none of their business and shouldn't matter

Yama · 16/02/2013 20:55

I correct them because I don't want to validate the need for women to change their title upon marriage. Men don't. Parity and all that.

kim147 · 16/02/2013 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LolloRosso · 16/02/2013 20:56

LineRunner Grin
Yep, people have assumed many things about me in my time, but no-one has voiced their suspicion that I am a "spinster".

Custardo as for letting the side/s down. I don't mean to do that. I actually think it's a tricky dilemma as a feminist as to which to use Ms/Mrs as purpleroses expressed the question.

I have held up my hands to it being my own silly prejudice that "Mrs" sounds more respectable, but I maintain it still has different connotations than "Ms". "Mrs" stands as itself as an answer, "Ms" (like it or not) seems to attract more questions.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 16/02/2013 20:57

It is also IME mainly men who ask, dither and sigh about women's titles.

BlatantLies · 16/02/2013 20:58

I used to call myself Ms but I didn't love it. I am not sure why but iseemstobe to be an invitation for people to start quizzing me about my marital status. Angry It also bugged me when people kept calling me Mrs or Miss regardless.

It does seem simpler being a Mrs. I have a bit of a shite maiden name so didn't much care about switching to my DH's. I have lived in a country where women retain their maiden names regardless but that seemed confusing to have different names from the DC's

I think the best plan would be for you to get studying and get yourself a Doctorate or medical Degree, or become a professor.

Doctor LolloRosso or Professor LolloRosso both sound good to me. Grin

Are your DC's old enough to be consulted?

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