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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to force DD to find different friends.

56 replies

TheBlackBagBorderBinLiner · 13/02/2013 10:00

DD, Year 1, has in school four close friends but is completely ignored out of school by the parents of 3 of them.

I did n't grow up round here but I've known one of the women for 5 years and thought she was a good friend. I've done the whole smiley, be nice, invite for tea, home birthday party for the others. It's worked with one and DD is welcome in their home.

A year ago I confided in 'friend' that DD was being left out by the two other parents hoping she'd vouch for our respectability.
Over the last year the parents have organised camping trips, xmas meals, dance lessons, swimming lessons, trips to the beach for 4 of the girls.... We're never invited. I think I've got the message now.

Do I cut contact with friend - she would expect to be invited with a big group of friends to Easter egg hunts, BBQs, etc but she clearly has her own agenda for her daughters friendships and my DD is not one of them. She and another of the mums switched schools to be with the 'right' people they are nice but clearly insecure. She freely admits to helping out purely to 'assess' the other kids.

My DD is in a lower book band then the others and five will always be an awkward number.

How do I 'Force' DD to find other friends? How do I handle the friend who has proved to be rather less then generous when it comes to invites to big group events?

OP posts:
WileyRoadRunner · 13/02/2013 10:06

Why do you need to be friends with the parents of your DDs friends?

FWIW after a very traumatic play date recently my daughter will not be doing any more for a good length of time. I am not particularly keen in them anyway.

I do not socialise with the other class parents as friends or do meet ups.

My child is the most popular girl in the class - she also is probably the least academic and the other parents know this. Several of them live in each others pockets even going on holiday together. It hasn't changed the fact they still argue about who will sit next to my DD.

aldiwhore · 13/02/2013 10:11

My sons mingle with who they want to at school, the mingle with different friends outside of school. I'm not enforcing this... I can simply communicate with some parents better than others! He never sees his best friend outside of school because his best friend's mum isn't bothered about being my friend (fair enough) so won't ever arrange or agree to anything with me concerning her son.

It's not always as simple a parents deciding who our children mix with for selfish reasons... though it does happen.

mrsjay · 13/02/2013 10:11

ytou dont need to be their friends why do you need to be the parents friends let the children be friends in school and just leave it at that you cant force her not to be friends with them . too many parents ime get caught up on playdates and seeing each other outside school just ignore it and let them get on with whatever it is they want to do,

mrsjay · 13/02/2013 10:13

I like aldis way og putting it Mingle is a good word for childrens friendships. I am friends on fb with DDs mums and I do sometimes go to her best friends mums house for things but we are not friends and the kids never lived in each others pockets outside school

Original poster
TheBlackBagBorderBinLiner · 13/02/2013 10:17

Thank you.

There is a local culture of being related/went to school with the other parents. I understand as an incomer we probably need an introduction before being entrusted with other folks kids but I don't need more new friends I just wanted DD to be included. The school suggested I make more of an effort with the parents but it's not worked in this instance so time to move on.

OP posts:
janey68 · 13/02/2013 10:18

Agree with the others. Don't try to control who she's friends
With in school, but equally don't assume you'll all be great family friends outside school.
Can you widen your own circle of friends outside the school mums so that weekend and holiday activities are a separate thing? It all sounds very intense and not much fun tbh, having to be in with the 'right' people Hmm

fromparistoberlin · 13/02/2013 10:19

some very good advice

OP I can understand why you feel this way, but agree you are linking her friendship and yours too closely

I would do NOTHING but encourage new friends outside of school via local friends, brownies, hobbies etc

I think its easy to put our adult paranoia onto them

the parents sound like cunts to be honest!! screw em

really, dont give them emotional calories

ChairmanWow · 13/02/2013 10:20

Those mums sound like a load of ladder-climbing social networkers. Ignore them, or laugh at them because they sound a bit shrill and pathetic. As for your daughters, they're her friends. Just because their mothers are insecure and silly it doesn't mean your daughter has to stay away from them.

I'm afraid I'm having an 'eeeh, in my day' moment, but my mum hardly knew the parents of most of my friends, and we didn't need to have joint camping trips and holidays to be friends. Just let them get on with it, or your daughter will feel you are interfering with her friendships.

Original poster
TheBlackBagBorderBinLiner · 13/02/2013 10:23

It all sounds very intense and not much fun tbh, having to be in with the 'right' people

It's a nightmare, we avoided it all with older DD, with the younger it just so happened that this woman transferred her child into my DD's class else we might have lived happily ever after in a different friends in school and out of school way.

OP posts:
socharlottet · 13/02/2013 10:23

I hate cliqueyness! But there really isn't anything you can do about it.Encourage yopur DD to do things with other children out of school.Don't tell your DD who she can and can't be friends with!!

SanityClause · 13/02/2013 10:24

You need to let her make her own choices. This is what allowing them to grow up is all about.

If she starts to feel left out of the group, she will need your help, and if she knows you disapprove of these friends, for whatever reason, she will be less inclined to come to you to discuss her problems.

Remember that a few years on, you will want her to come to you if she is being bullied, or if girls at school start smoking, or drinking, and she needs advice on that.

If you only give advice that she requests, and always respect her right to make her own choices, you will be in a much better position to guide her through the minefields of school friendship!

However, do make sure she has other friends. Perhaps arrange some play dates with people outside this friendship group. When my DDs have fallen out with their very best friends, they have always had other friends to fall back on, and I have strongly encouraged this.

WorraLiberty · 13/02/2013 10:25

When will parents stop interfering in their kid's friendships?

It's getting ridiculous and from what I see, hear and read...it's mostly adult paranoia/politics that spoils it for the kids.

She's in Yr1 so what is she...5 or 6 years old?

Leave well alone...let he get on with her friendships and you get on with yours.

WowOoo · 13/02/2013 10:27

I'm not so sure it's fair to call them cunts. It seems to me that the parents have known each other for a while, therefore they do things together as they are established friends. Then, their dc become closer friends as a result.

I've explained to my ds that some friends have been close for a long time, sometimes since birth and it's quite hard to join that club when these mates live close to each other and see each other all the time out of school.
The best you can do is encourage other friendships. Loads of other parents must be less cliquey. Smile

There are both types here so i know what you mean.

cheeseandbiscuitsplease · 13/02/2013 10:27

aah dont let this upset you. Wherever you go in life there are nice women and horrible women. Be at at work, the playground, in the pub - everywhere! I used to worry about things like this a lot - too much!! As you get older yo become more relaxed and things dont bother you as much. I am the parent of 2 lovely kids, 7 and 3. I smile and be nice at school and obviously have friends who I chat to outside school etc but more often than not I ust say hi and stand on my own. Life is too short to worry about things like this. As long as your little girl is happy and secure dont worry about these obviously insecure women. It says more about them than it does about you. Make lovely friends of your own, spend time with people you love. Make time for people who you love and who love you back. Life is too precious so spend time worrying. Im sure you are a lovely person, dont let these horrid women drag you down. As you get older things like this matter less. I'm 40 now btw. It really was a big turning point!!
Enjoy the little things in life as one day you'll lool back and realise these were the big things..... x

poorbuthappy · 13/02/2013 10:28

I have come to the conclusion that some people are just users only out to get something from everyone.
This is after me and my 3 girls were dumped by someone I thought was a dear friend to me.
It was only after the agony of thinking it was me for a good 4 months (and dealing with the general headache of thinking I was horrible) and having the guts to mention it to 2 other mums who confirmed it was her not me, I have finally dealt with it.
However trying to explain it to my kids has not been fun.

So yes, encourage outside schools friends, or maybe just different friends in school. Spread the horizon.

CockyPants · 13/02/2013 10:28

Hello OP.
I understand your POV. My DD gets left out by other parents and I get ignored by them too!
You have to let DC choose their own friends, I'm afraid. Ignore the parents behaviour. Do out of school stuff eg Rainbows, swimming etc that involves other children who don't go to the school to widen her circle of friends.

CockyPants · 13/02/2013 10:30

I'm with cheese and biscuits. Turning 40 is hugely liberating. You stop caring about what other people think and you stop people pleasing too. Fuck em!

usualsuspect · 13/02/2013 10:34

Why do you have to be friends with your childrens friends parents?

Just let them get on with being friends at school, and stay out of all the parents politics.

Saski · 13/02/2013 10:39

This is why England is so hard. You can't break in because you didn't grow up there? Sheesh. I'm American and I've found it pretty hard too, 10 years later. And, I agree, getting older makes it much easier.

I agree you probably need to take a more hands-off approach. School gates can be brutal.

mrsjay · 13/02/2013 10:41

and I agree let her make friends elsewhere rainbows or wherever I know parents are friends I have seen it but you dont need to be, I know parents who are friends and by the time the kids reach high school they are not in the same friendship groups let it go honestly it isn't worth it,

mrsjay · 13/02/2013 10:42

oh and I have heard of a few fallings out with older children and it is all very awkward for the parents who thought they would be 'besties' for life Hmm

mrsjay · 13/02/2013 10:42

when the children are older*

MrsMushroom · 13/02/2013 10:45

Leave her alone and when they get to year 3 I promise you that the parents will have MUCH less say. It's all who the kids want then...

Pandemoniaa · 13/02/2013 10:47

You have to let her choose her own friends but I also agree that activities outside school can help her widen the circle.

On the bright side, there are distinct advantages to not being included in cliques of the sort that enjoy excluding others for no better reason than they can. Nothing good ever comes from being involved with people who play power games and life is a lot easier is you step away before getting sucked in.

Mycatlovesme · 13/02/2013 10:53

I wouldn't force her to be friends with others but I would try to encourage other friendships in addition to the ones that she has. Those parents don't sound very nice or very kind. If they don't invite her to activities or outings as least if she has other friends she will have other people to do things with whilst that group are doing things together.