to force DD to find different friends.

[TheBlackBagBorderBinLiner]

DD, Year 1, has in school four close friends but is completely ignored out of school by the parents of 3 of them.

I did n't grow up round here but I've known one of the women for 5 years and thought she was a good friend. I've done the whole smiley, be nice, invite for tea, home birthday party for the others. It's worked with one and DD is welcome in their home.

A year ago I confided in 'friend' that DD was being left out by the two other parents hoping she'd vouch for our respectability.
Over the last year the parents have organised camping trips, xmas meals, dance lessons, swimming lessons, trips to the beach for 4 of the girls.... We're never invited. I think I've got the message now.

Do I cut contact with friend - she would expect to be invited with a big group of friends to Easter egg hunts, BBQs, etc but she clearly has her own agenda for her daughters friendships and my DD is not one of them. She and another of the mums switched schools to be with the 'right' people they are nice but clearly insecure. She freely admits to helping out purely to 'assess' the other kids.

My DD is in a lower book band then the others and five will always be an awkward number.

How do I 'Force' DD to find other friends? How do I handle the friend who has proved to be rather less then generous when it comes to invites to big group events?

I found it a lot easier to make friends with other mums when I stopped trying to be friends with the mums of DS1's friends. DS1 and DS2 go to a C of E school and the church organise something that is like toddler group but for primary age children once a month after school. I ended up being friends with some of the mums who go to that. I even ended up starting up a friendship with a lady because her DS2 has the name as mine. She was telling her DS not to run ahead and my DS was glaring at her because he was sat in the buggy and not running.

Wise words from Pamdemoniaa too

Unless I've read it wrong, the op is not griping about not being friends with the parents, but wondering why the parents are excluding her daughter from the gang when it comes to playdates, after school meet ups, etc.
Perfectly understandable thing to be pissed off about.
Not sure what the answer is, though. Maybe just continue to invite the girls round to yours; even if the invites are not reciprocated?

My DCs are mixed race and my DH and I probably come across as being quite unconventional*. I suspect we have been left out of things too by families who consider themselves perhaps more conventional, shall we say. I suspect also but cannot prove that my mixed race DS has been labelled in a certain way by one or two people based on his colour. Its something we keep an eye on.

Being 40+, obviously DH and I couldn't care less . Some people are very precious abut their DC's friendships. I would remain polite and friendly and in a few years time, it won't matter anyway.

• actually we are quite middle of the road, boring people.

I let my kids choose their own friends, completely.

And if I end up being friends with one of the parents, that is a bonus, but not something I expect. Neitehr do I expect to be invited to other people's do's and activities.

It sounds as if you are, or trying ot be overly involved in her friendships. Just offer to invite a friend over, if she wants to see them, and leave it at that.

Well I'm turning 40 this year so that should make it easier

DH & I are happy, we do our thing but it's become a bit tiresome DD being ignored for after school tea parties, etc and turning up at the beach to find a big gaggle down there.

Feel better for venting here will face the real world with my polite face on.

OP, you are WAY over-thinking this!

Back off and let your dd choose her own friends. Friendships change a lot at this age and do you really want her staying in a little cliquely group? How do you even know about these after school tea parties? Pick up your dd from school and don't get so involved in what's happening and when. Organise a few play-dates for your dd, either with one of these girls on her own or another child in the class. Groups of dc after school can be a nightmare. Invite ONE child at a time. And accept that sometimes your dd will be invited back and sometimes she won't.

Don't think of the school gate as somewhere you socialise or make friends. I'm sure you've got friends outside of school. Be polite to people but don't expect any more. The chances are when your dd leaves the school, the vast majority of the mums you won't see again.

Everyone wants their child to be popular but the fact of life is some children are less popular than others or have/prefer a smaller group of friends. There's nothing wrong with that.

Have you ever said, WTF?

I mean WRT being left out of parties. At that age, isn't it normal to invite everyone in the class?

Oh, also remember that with regard of your dd being left out, it COULD be six of one and half a dozen of the other. People are v quick to point out that their child is being excluded but sometimes there is another side to the story. I'm not saying this is the case with your dd, but sometimes the excluded child could be being mean to the others for example. No child is perfect, so just check what's going on.

Saski no...not everyone can afford to do that.

No saski it isn't. Some people don't have the budget for a big party or some dc feel overwhelmed with so many children.

Saski, lots of people haven't got the money or the space to invite the whole class, so they limit it to a set number (we used to make it 10 children in total, including our own 2, as that was the absolute limit that our smallish house could hold). The alternative would be never holding any parties.

I think the trick here is to have a small number of invitees so that it isn't just one or two children left out- that would be horrible.

Why do you need to be with friends with the children's parents?
If they're like that, and made it obvious they don't want to be friends, then stuff them.
Why do you need to do the playdate thing and going round to others houses anyway?
As long as the kids all get on great at home and there's nothing wrong with their friendships, then I'd let them all be friends at school and not interfere.
When it comes to after school, do your own thing, and with who you like. Go out for trips/soft play etc, your dd will still have fun and have these friends in school.
Madness to break them all up when they get on fine!

I find parents who think that school is an opportunity for themselves to socialise and make friends is quite desperate and needy! DD is at school to learn and make her own friends, it's not for my benefit at all! My school gate packed with mums who kiss each other. WTAF??

as long as they get on great at home?! Gah, should have read great at school! Duh

cocky the op wants her DD to be included in after school playdates...that's hardly desperate.

CockyPants ouch! I have made a lot of friends through my kids' school. How else are you to meet people when you're a SAHM, really?

There's lots of people who didn't grow up in the city where they live (like OP). Not to say that they have to be friends with the mothers, but it's a pretty logical outlet if you ask me.

Totally agree cockypants I bet they didn't have all this a previous generation ago. I don't remember my mum being involved in playground friendships/politics. She chatted casually to a few people and took me home from school!

saski people weren't born being SAHMs. What about your friends from before you became a mum?

Just to be clear DH & I do not want to be 'best friends forever' with the parents of our daughters friends.

Our older DD has lots of friends in school/out of school some overlap, some don't.

Our younger DD has got herself into a fairly fixed group which the other parents have reinforced . The other kids do tennis, ballet & swimming together, share lifts, etc talk about it at school. My DD says she wants to go to ballet, we turn up, they're all there! I take the DDs swimming, the others are all there, they signed up on mass for the same time.

It's all going to end in tears.

I'm not from the UK, I moved here as a mother. London in particular is a transient area, not everyone grew up here and has school friends.

Our younger DD has got herself into a fairly fixed group which the other parents have reinforced . The other kids do tennis, ballet & swimming together, share lifts, etc talk about it at school. My DD says she wants to go to ballet, we turn up, they're all there! I take the DDs swimming, the others are all there, they signed up on mass for the same time.

But they're getting on great at school, so I don't see the problem? Yes, I can see it would be upsetting for you as you want your child to be included after school at ballet or whatever as well.
But that's the way they are, if they're in a group of friends and refuse to let others join, then you're better off not getting into it.
Leave them be. There'll be plenty of other lovely, approachable mums to talk to who don't gaggle together like some cliquey coven and glare at all outsiders from their little world.
Look at it from your dd's point of view. She says she wants to go to ballet, thinks it's by herself and all her friends are already there too to talk to. Bonus!

It won't end in tears if you just back off & let things happen. If the girls are friends then nothing the mums say will make any difference in school. Sounds like your dd is tagging along a bit by deciding to go to ballet cos they are going. Maybe leave things for a while & see what she really wants to do extra curricular wise. My dd1 was first to start ballet, 11 years on & she's the only one left from her school class that's still going & she socialises with her friends from dance class a lot now.

If she gets on ok with the girls in school then I'd stay well out of this. It could be that the othe parents are themselves good friends and do stuff together with each others families.

My own dd has friends whose parents meet up out of school. I'm not part of it but I'm not upset about it at all. I just don't know them in that way.

The only time I would ever encourage my dc to make new friends is if they are having direct problems with a friend(s) on a daily basis that didn't look like being resolved.