to not know what unconditional parenting is?!

[GirlOutNumbered]

Just read it on a thread. I have no idea what this is?

well i have 1 adult 1 nearly adult child I did a bit of this that and the other and they have turned out al right ( i think)

How to Talk is my bible. I really love that book.

I like How to Talk, too. As dd gets older I also find this book really helpful.

I have to say that I find AK a bit patchy. I read a lot of A S Neill's (the Summerhill founder) writings when dd was small, they are similar in inspiration, I think, but I found them more helpful in specifics. He is very, very clear that no boundaries / out of control child is NOT good parenting even though many people used his work to justify this approach (!)

I'd never heard of this technique before yesterday. I can sort of see the logic behind it but I definitely think it would work better with older children/teenagers who have already learnt how to make good choices. I plan to let my children make their own decisions in an age appropriate manner - e.g. my 15mo can choose whether he wants broccoli or carrot from his plate next but not whether he wants his nappy changed when it needs doing! I'd probably let a 12 year old choose to stay home rather than accompany me on a 10 minute dash to the shop but wouldn't let them opt out of a day trip to see relatives. Personally I think there's a time & place where it's appropriate to let children set their own boundaries & they need to learn to do that but it should happen in a wider context of learning how society functions & being guided into making the best decisions. I will sometimes let my children make poor decisions so that they can learn about consequences but that wouldn't be allowed in such a way that it would negatively impact on/majorly inconvenience others & would be followed up with a discussion about what the best choice would have been & how they can make better choices in the future.

If I write a book called Common Sense Parenting will everyone buy it & make me rich & then have huge bun fights on MN about how not everyone agrees with my definition of 'common sense' please?

HumphreyCobbler i agree with you up to a point but dont think NO always needs to be accompanied by a reason i have a teen i i think when you have a teen you will find this to be ture also

Sometimes its just no end of i am the adult and i dont feel i always need a cast iron reason followed by some drawn out explanation of why not somtimes

It boils down to i am the adult and thats not the plan for today

With younger children its helpful but with teens you will find you get drawn into and endless dialouge with then coming up with reasons why They should to your why they should NOT

Its best somtimes not to feed the best

I agree with dom sometimes cos i said so is the only reason they need, teenagers dont need huge explanations to argue with . as they said dont feed the beast

Alfie Kohn's message (I have read one of his books) makes mroe sense in the context of America where parents tend to shriek and turn cartwheels and shriek 'Good JAAAAHBBBB!!!' and high five passing strangers when their kid does so much as breathe.

I can see where he is coming from but I don't buy into it personally.
It's a shame as he seems to be a genuinely nice guy.
He of course doesn't get rewarded throguh the books he publishes nad the website he runs.
Goodness me, no. He is intrinsically motivated!

Hahaha i put best i ment beast

For instance ds (13) just asked if he can stay home alone over night and i said nice try and then hell to the NO i dont need to go into why not he knows why hes just trying his luck.

Mooondog

UP is not having no boundaries and no rules,if someone is parenting like that them they are not UP they are being shit lazy parents somehow i don't expect a book with that by line would sell well.

UP is making sure your children have the skills needed to manage and set age/ ability appropriate boundaries and operate within those you set due to it not being age/ ability appropriate for them to do so.
If your children don't have these skills or learn them as you go along then its not working for you or your not putting the work in.

No is perfectly ok just overuse is avoided, expectations need to be clear and rules are also ok.

If your children are little shits who cannot cope with school/ life outside the home then you are doing it wrong or it is not working for you.

My adult children all have very good jobs all my children are decent respectful of others and kind and not one of them was home educated nor do we rely on 'woo'

Receiving a reward- isn't that why we go to work? I may be proud of what I achieve very occasionally but mostly I do it for the financial reward. so surely training for life?

and as for rewarding being like a training a dog..thing is it works for dogs..and untrained dogs are a nightmare...and in terms of behavior small children and dogs- not that different. They both want love praise and affection and don't like to be ignored. (rewards can just be a hug)

....runs away expecting to be shot down in flames for thinking my kids and dogs not that different.

Hahaha i put best i ment beast

i got you

sometimes the why and why nots is just not worth it

'My adult children all have very good jobs all my children are decent respectful of others and kind and not one of them was home educated nor do we rely on 'w'

Loving that line of reasoning, that home educated kids tend to be semi feral sociopaths.

That was in response to the comments about UP often home educating, I have no opinion either way regarding HE other than how it personally impacts on my family ( my nephew is HE as was my sister for them personally it had good anD bad poInts) but its not my personal choice for my own kids,

God there are so many ways of 'parenting' now! Does it have to be so bloody hard? Talk about confusing new parents and making life harder for everyone. I'm sure this stuff does work for many people and that is great but it is ok to do things the other way in my opinion. I know too many people who don't shout at their kids or bribe them (like I do ) and their kids are complete entitled little nightmares who think they can do whatever they like. Maybe they are doing UP wrong? .

I subscribe to the 'do what you think seems right at the time' school of parenting. No books needed. I shout when I feel the need to shout, praise when I think praise is due etc etc. My kids are lovely well rounded kids who aren't mean to others, do well at school and are generally happy little souls.

Moondog i think many were saying that many UPs home educated thus sheliding them for the true effects of this tosh

If they tried this is a real rules based environment it falls down pretty quickley.

Oh gotha.
If it's any help, I was home educated in the middle of nowhere, never wore shoes and practically never saw a television until I was 11.

I'm about as far from a UPer as it is possible to be.

You're spot on in your observation there Mink

Moondog i think many were saying that many UPs home educated thus sheliding them for the true effects of this tosh

If they tried this is a real rules based environment it falls down pretty quickley.

Parenting books, like recipe books, are good for ideas and for occasional following by the letter (although rarely a book in its entirety, of either kind).

As a rule though, there are going to be as many "best" ways to bring up children as there are children and parents.

Hear hear coconutty

Angeryfet i think the problem is many people dont trust them selfs

I rea so many threads on here of mum who dont even trust ther own mothers or MIL to look after there children because there follwing some stupid book and scared the mother in law might give there child a sweet insead of a organic rice cake or actally tell the child of instead of letting the child choose if they want to behave

Very sad

I mostly practise what I would consider to be UP. My children are very polite and caring, school have never had any issues with dd1 (possibly that she is a bit too quiet, which is a personality trait rather than an issue).

They have boundaries and they are aware of why those boundaries are there. Even at the age of 2 dd2 knows she can't always do what she wants to do, but that has been achieved without punishments like time out or rewards. I ask if she's proud of herself instead of telling her I'm proud of her, I talk about how it makes other people feel when she does something rather than just insisting she stops it. It takes a little longer but she rarely needs much explanation in the heat of the moment because we've done most of the discussion before the event. The example of not putting a seatbelt on on a plane wouldn't happen with us because I would have talked her through it a few times before the journey and she would accept it.

I'm not sure how easy it would be with another child because I've never parented other children. But I do look at my nieces and think they couldn't possibly be worse behaved following UP than they are growing up with constant praise for even the slightest achievement and punishments for every little thing. UP would make for a happier household in their family I think, rather than the constant roller coaster between 'good girl, you did that really well' and ' that was really naughty, now I'm taking your favourite toy away from you'.

If they are arrogant wankers then they have not been UP there parents probably ignored the have rules and expectations and teach them the skills to manage attitude and behaviour aspect.

I expect that means they were allowed to run riot. That it not UP

I don't UP, obviously as I had not heard of the term until today....

I give praise, but I praise the action and talk about what they have done and why their attitude/behaviour is good. I do tell my sons NO, but I explain why they can not do certain things. We talk alot about how he feels/i feel/ his brother feels when one of them belts the other one.

I rarely raise my voice, but I do raise my voice if necessary. I have never taken a toy away in punishment, infact I have never had to 'punish' any of my children.

I am a teacher and I guess I parent just like I teach.

I just think this is natural parenting.... I don't have to refer to a manual to check I am doing it right, I just go with the flow. I have never read a book on bringing up babies or children.

When did it all get so complicated?!