to not know what unconditional parenting is?!

[GirlOutNumbered]

Just read it on a thread. I have no idea what this is?

So if there are no pushiments what happens when the child is not ready to stop hitting even when told how much it makes mummy feel sad?

Ah, the explaining why something is good comes, I'd wager, from your teacher training. I don't think it is that obvious to everyone.

And as i surspect most on here who pratcice this have very small pre school children and dont have older children or teens

Then I would move away (or move her out of the situation) and tell her that I can't be next to her when she is hitting but when she is ready to stop hitting then she is welcome back to play. That isn't a punishment, generally I would be right there next to her explaining why I wasn't letting her hit anybody, it's a natural consequence of her actions. 'If you hit people then other people won't come close to you and play with you because it hurts them and they don't like it'.

Dom I have a teen. She's been UP from way before I heard the term, it's probably my natural parenting style.

You remove the child from the situation.

I don't use rewards a lot and do my best to reason as much as I can possibly can, but without boundaries and some sort of discipline/ punishment ( taking toys/tv/game/playdate) away my already wild child would be uncontrollable

Girloutnumbered i would imagain you work in primary school ?

I do agree with what you said but would iamgain a more robust approched would be needed in high school and explaing to a 15 year old why telling you to F off would really bare much fruit

Dom I have adult children teens and tinys

Sockreturningpixie what if your on the bus ? There are many situations were you cant just leave espically when there is more than one child again thats why its falls down in any envoirment were there is more than one person to take care of eg a school

Sockreturningpixie fair enought

What on earth would any of my children be doing hitting people on the bus?

The expectation when we are on a bus is to be safe sit down respect other passengers and do not distract the driver.

These are rules.

Dom no it doesn't bear much fruit in secondary. I use a lot of the same techniques as UP in my teaching (I teach Secondary Maths) but backed up with the school system of rewards and punishments. Mostly because the pupils aren't used to UP and know where they are with rewards and punishments. I would much prefer it if I could use UP techniques all the time but it actually isn't possible with 32 teenagers that I see 3 times a week and who are taught/parented in a completely different way for the rest of the time.

Children brake them i seen plenty of children side by side in the buggy bay giving each other diggs from there pram

You cant get off the bus and remove the child and lets say asking them to stop when they are good and ready has not worked

And lets say telling them it makes you feel sad is not working what next

Coconutty that really doesn't reflect how other people see my children. It might be how you would see them but most people comment on how much they think about other people before they act (dd1 mostly as dd2 is still a toddler) and how self motivated they are. There is never any mention of the world revolving around them.

Dom you would remove said child from the situation. So they would be moved away fromt eh person they are hitting. If that means moving to another section of the bus that's fine, if it means me having to hold onto her so she can't hit that's fine as well because rules are rules and I'm keeping somebody safe. That is allowed in UP. I would be explaining all the time what I was doing and why.

If they are in a buggy one would assume they are rather little and just poking each other not causing distress or distraction then leave them be.

If its causing a problem or distraction then remove each other from reach whilst making it clear that conduct is not ok.if that's not possible the natural results of a dangerous action would be removal from the bus at the earliest opportunity.

In all fairness that's never happened to me I always had buggy books or other distractions when ever on the bus.

And where does the stopping bad behaviour when they are good and ready to come from?

Schooldidi it goes both ways though don't you think? Some UP parents don't see their kids as a problem, but from someone else's perspective, they may see the total opposite. I have a friend who does UP and whilst I hate her constant advice/comments on my parenting and think she is PFB and may learn some lessons with subsequent possibly difficult kids her son is very pleasant and sounds like your dc's. I do believe some kids parented with boundaries, no matter what style/technique it is, can be nice kids and decent adults, but it seems from what the majority of people see from UP kids and parents, the outlook certainly is not a positive one in general.

Same here Schooldidi I heard about UP from a thread on MN about a year or so ago. When I started to read about it I realised that it is pretty much the natural default in this house. I laughed when I read about saying no and giving reasons to teenagers...........no one else here have a two year old who persistently asked "why"?

Its fairly safe to say that if your child has no behaviour related problems anywhere nobody gets the cats bum face around them and they are welcome most places that there probably ok.

Its also safe to say if they grow up to be decent law abiding adults who are respected and liked in the work place and have a large social group then they probably are also ok.

Its not lazy patenting at all unless you have failed to grasp how it actually works or the building skills aspect of it.

How do you know I have no idea how people really see my children? I think the majority of my friends and family are pretty forthright actually.

I don't think it is a cop out, it's actually harder to explain, and explain and explain again than it is to just say 'no, don't do that, if you do you'll go into time out'. It takes more thought to say 'what do you think of that painting? Which bit do you like best?' and be genuinely interested than it does to say 'that's a lovely apinting dear'.

I think some people claim to be following UP when they aren't and that gives everybody who does follow UP principles a bad name. Same as most other things in life, there are people who do it properly and there are people who don't.

Coconutty i agree my sisters boy is a nightmare she can never get any one to have him they usually give her any reason they can why they cant have him

And even my oh reached the end of his teather after a week of him in the summer but she thinks everyone adore him no one would dare tell her the truth instead using words like livey ,cheeky, inderpendant

I have agonised over telling her what people really think

No one really has any clue what peole think of there kids