to not know what unconditional parenting is?!

[GirlOutNumbered]

Just read it on a thread. I have no idea what this is?

if one of them was being rude, unpleasant or violent, I would remove them from what they were doing, explain that what they were doing was making the other children scared/upset/hurt, encourage them to empathise with the other children, explain that everyone here should feel safe and ask how they could make the other child feel better. Then I would expect my child to do something to make the child feel better. If my child then kicked off and had a huge tantrum I would apologise on the child's behalf, we would go home to calm down, and talk it over later

But Yami how is that UP as opposed to just regular parenting. You say you would remove them from what they are doing. Isn't that against UP. Shouldn't they be the ones to decide if they should remove themselves from upsetting another child?

And what happens if you decide to go home because the 'naughty' child won't see the error of their ways but the other, well behaved child doesn't want to go?

Doormat parenting maybe?

I had my first ever post deleted. It's an exciting day!

Reasoning! With a 2 year old! Righto!
Teaching by example, keeping your cool & behaving like the adult when you want to scream & pull out your hair and yes, the odd reward - that's how I'm trying to parent.

Yami that would not work with dd 5 ASD and developmental delays, too much language too many complicated concepts to understand. It needs to be short and to te point. Chidren are born with ASD not come about from rubbish parenting. If yur child is od enough yams they shoud be apologising not you! You are no going to be teir always when they are a teen/adult to apologise for them!

this will be deleted just like yesterdays one

Fairenuff good question, that is the approach I would take, probably with a firm No at the beginning to stop anymore unpleasant behaviour, followed by the rest. I don't do unconditional parenting, more a 'in the long run I would like a nice child who turns into a nice adult parenting'.

Maybe as a lot of posters have suggested, there are really good elements in UP, but using it the whole time isn't practical. Any UP practioners use it all the time and with three children?

^In fact, I believe that giving children too much power and choice actually makes them feel insecure in the long run.
They end up thinking everything is about them, so everything that goes wrong is their fault.^

this is what I think too whatever you call it letting children decide for themselves and letting them set their own boundries is a recipe for disaster ime

just because some man has written a book doesn't mean it will work out long term does it, children do not come with manuals a poster on here said her mother did the UP thing and she has resentment that has taken years to over come,

I havent read a book on being a mum, it seems pointless. It should be quite natural shouldn't it?!

I hope thread is not deleted, I really didn't start it to poke fun at the wellies mum, I had just not heard of the term. I hadn't heard of alot of things until I joined mumsnet!

Your giving the chidren more responsibility than they are capable of handling, and may be overwhelming and confusing fo them

Your giving the chidren more responsibility than they are capable of handling, and may be overwhelming and confusing fo them

indeed

Jenai "How do you let children know they#'re on the right track if you don't say "good job" when they've done a good job?"

This isn't UP (not my thing), but a more general 'How To Talk' / generic people skills kind of issue, I would say.

I won't say I always do it myself, but the advice generally seems to be that you don't give generic 'good job' kind of praise, you try to be much more specific about what you think is good, and explain its benefits to you (if relevant). So eg I might say to dd - 'that work is very neat, I'm sure Mr X will find it very easy to read, and I can see that you have spelled everything right' or similarly to a co-worker 'many thanks for bringing me this report early, it will make life much easier for me because I'll be able to get my part done without a rush'.

that it far too many words takver most people would switch off if i said all that my dds would their eyes would glaze over

I don't practice UP but there is an awful lot of misrepresentation of UP on this thread.

I have read the book. It does not mean never saying no - that is crap parenting. It does not mean no boundaries - that also is crap parenting.

I think a lot of UP going wrong is where parents give the child what they want rather than what they need. This is just my unsubstantiated opinion.

What is UP then Humphrey I genuinely don't know

Wewereherefirst - its a book that's making some one ALOT of money!

mrsjay - my dd would definitely listen, but to be fair that would be in circs where she had shown me her homework & asked what I think.

Humphrey, I think what you say sounds right

PMSL So it's the anti-Gina Ford?

Girloutnumbered - not sure about that. I'd say on a How To Talk thread the majority of posters will have read the book, on a UP thread only a tiny minority.

I do try something along those lines Tak. It doesn't work brilliantly, but it's the best I've got.

no punishment other than the natural law of consequences
no time out
lots of discusssion about feelings, motivations
respecting children's point of view
giving children a voice
no meaningless praise
dealing with a child's needs respectfully

this all sounds quite woolly and wishy washy - and the book does not give any practical examples. I found it an annoying book from that perspective. I did not have the patience to put it all into practise, but I do not do time out or overly gushing and meaningless praise.

you are definitely allowed to say no to a child, but you would be expected to give a reason.