to not know what unconditional parenting is?!

[GirlOutNumbered]

Just read it on a thread. I have no idea what this is?

At your friends next visit just politely say you parent yours, I'll parent mine. Is it that difficult to agree to disagree. Or is that not socially acceptable and should have been coerced out of you by now!

My dc understand perfectly well that I love them for who they are. They also know that if someone does something unusual/exceptional its cause for celebration....and that we need very little excuse to make a cake or buy a frock! And sometimes you don't need any excuse at all. My dds love pomp and ceremony...that is not a trained primate attribute, as I shy away from it naturally

Jesus wept....its really easy to raise your kids so they don't equate treats with love

No, it is not socially exveptable. It is not socially acceptable for a parental response to be a hug and a diatribe, when their child has just battered my child in the face. I do not find UP parents socially acceptable at all. And they and their children are not welcome in my home. We are not compatable

I suggested on another thread that I was going to write Muddling-along Parenting. Because basically that's what I did, and I have produced a very fine 17 year old who is off to university in September sob.
I do wonder if parenting websites are a bit to blame, I mean I love MN but it wasn't there when I was bringing ds, so I never had to look at the parenting topics, I just went with the flow, mainly common sense really and lot's of positive love. I know there's a lot of good advice out there but UP isn't one of them, instinct is far more powerful and the way to go.
I don't believe in smacking, I think I did it twice out of sheer rage (my loss of control), and apologised after as I felt so guilty.
There is no rule book, you get your kid and behave according to their needs and their personality IMO.

I am inclined to agree, intuition is often the way to go.

I think I explained on the other UP thread the other day, I have never read the book. I discovered UP talking to a couple of others here on MN, when I started to look into it and talk to others I found that it was pretty much the approach we had been using all along. I have only read one parenting book, it wasn't memorable and I can't remember who the author was.

I do think that smacking, coercion and control are harmful, I do think children should be allowed to be autonomous and respected, encouragement is a better tool than punishment etc, its bloody good that none of us parent the same way, we produce individuals with different attributes. That's the way it should be.

I predict that the children brought up with UP methods will spend their time praising their own children and giving rewards. The types who do it tend to have had authoritarian parents who didn't listen and just told them what to do because 'I said so'.
Much better to stay 'middle of the road' and then your DCs don't have much to react against.
UP can't work for more than one child. In all the cases I have seen the one that makes the most fuss gets their own way-generally because they have reasonable, easy going siblings. In a family I know I would often find the eldest DD in tears and if you asked her what was the matter she would always say 'nothing'-and you knew fine well that she had lost out to the younger one.

Chilldrening: how to lazily love your child

Sums it up pretty well.

I once heard a mum describing her parenting as a benign dictatorship, where social norms were followed and taught, dc could express opinions on decisions where applicable eg what park to go to and learn to negotiate and grow up in a enviroment with boundaries which could be talked about. But she said they knew the final word was hers or her dh.

Has anyone every realiy experience it all their life? Or do they get to be at uni or work, and realise you have to just get on and do it? What you feel you are entitled to just doesn't figure- it's not all about you? I feel I may have worked with people like that ( swills wine)

You went to a Steiner school LaQueen?
The most UP child I ever met who went to our tiny primary school left the area and is now at a Steiner school.
It does seem like you've come full circle, what are opinions on Steiner?

When my mum reminisces about raising me before my siblings came along, I guess you could have called her approach UP to some degree. She came from a background with a scary foreboding stepfather , and self obsessed mother who both decided exactly what she should do with her life. They prevented her from studying to become a doctor because in their opinion she wasn't bright enough. but anyway, everything was a dictatorship from a young age and she had an awful time. She said when she had me she was afraid of breaking my spirit (don't laugh) and so her methods were all about reasoning and distraction, she hated smacking or screaming at me and she was worried I would hate her if I was disciplined. Consequently, I ran riot with her , caused her almost to have a nervous breakdown through stress, and in her own words , I never slept for four years.

Did I mention I was a bit spoilt and to this day dislike working as part of a team and having to share?

So, LaQueen,why aren't you a woo, UP parent?

Its a style of parenting that could be more catchily titled, 'You Can Do What The Fuck You Like' in my opinion. Or possibly, 'Mummy Doesn't Believe in Setting Any Boundaries, Darling'.

Most adults who don't follow this 'style' could categorise it as 'Your Child's a Pain in the Fucking Arse and If It were Mine I'd be Installing Some Damn Discipline'...

I think that the irritating part is the assumption that other parenting styles are conditional.

I remember years ago I was running a youth club and there was some toddler thing was in the next room, and i saw a woman march this little boy out saying DUNCAN WE SHALL DISCUSS THIS IN THE CAR duncan was about 3

I think that the irritating part is the assumption that other parenting styles are conditional.

exactly no other parent teaches their child anything orlistens or tries to understand and by some how punishing or disciplining or even saying 'cos i said so' is somewhat damaging to a child. it really isn't

My GPs were incredibly autocratic towards my poor Mum. Even as a 18 year old, working full time, they treated her like a toddler (she was never allowed a key to the family home etc) - and as a middle aged woman, with DCs of her own, they still treated her like a toddler.

I was never allowed a key and wasn't allowed to stay at home if my parents went away I had to stay at my aunts I was never trusted, I WAS BLOODY WORKING,

Plenty like that on here mrsjay! Any thread about leaving DCs alone will have parents who won't leave a 16yr old- despite the fact they are old enough to be married! UP parents can still be overprotective.

I do think that most parents are trying to do the best for their children, and so long as their children aren't hurting mine I'm happy to live and let live, but as other posters have commented, the term 'Unconditional Parenting' implies that any other style is conditional. I find that quite offensive. I parent my children in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, come rain or shine, and any other eventuality you can imagine.

I'm not entirely sure you can blame any of us on the thread for the name and I'm fairly sure the chap who did pick the name was probaly sat in a cafe one day people watching and thought

Hey i know lets write a book on parenting make it about what a huge % of parents do naturally just highlight the bits of things I see that I'm not keen on and call it a odd name, I could make money out of that.

What works for you works nobody is expecting anybody to change that I'm pretty sure I have never been critical about anybody else's parenting unless in a professional capacity and needed,and I certainly haven't been about anybody on this thread nor have I insulted or made digs about anybody else's kids.

Surely if your children behave well and do not physiclly attack other children,do well at school have friends are honest and turn into reasonable adults then it won't much matter how you go there but its safe to say you did ok.

Its all fine and well to just decide that this approach to kids equals not setting boundaries and sweet talking your kids whilst they merrily stamp on other children but that does not make it so.

Tbh if I knew any body who allowed there child to behave like that and tried to explain it to me by saying ohhh we use UP I would reply " no you don't" after the first few encounters I would change that to "its not concidered nice to tell lies" then I would exit quickly as I wouldn't want to spend time in the company

Hey i know lets write a book on parenting make it about what a huge % of parents do naturally just highlight the bits of things I see that I'm not keen on and call it a odd name, I could make money out of that

Did he also 'invent' Baby Led Weaning!

:) laqueen