to not know what unconditional parenting is?!

[GirlOutNumbered]

Just read it on a thread. I have no idea what this is?

thebody

We use UP to some extent the only non-negotiable things relate to health and safety everything else is negotiable ! no sanctions, no punishments in this house. I do reward (rarely) but not always which means that rather than having performing monkeys I have children who want to please and want to achieve but often try much harder than if rewards were too readily given.

Oh probably should put this >> inconsistency of boundaries and chaotic routines in context......

If you are going to have boundaries children will challenge them if they are inconsistent they have cause to challenge it because in doing so the boundaries move. This is what causes the problem.

I wonder what would happen if you were sat in a room with a big red button and told not to push it? Would your curiosity drive you insane?

LaQueen, I follow UP, I had and have a very nice job or rather I do something that I am really passionate about as a job.
I have one child who, I learnt later on, has some SN. (So did require a greater input from me)

I don't need another project in my life.
Both my children are very well behaved and their teachers and other children/parents say the same thing.
It isn't time consuming as such. It requires you to think about what is going on that child's mind before acting. And tbh pausing is sometimes something that we should all be doing before reacting/dishing out punishments etc... But after the first few years, it does get much much easier, mainly because I do NOT have to manage their behaviour as such. Even my HFA dc knew that from 5~6yo (With the big exception of very punctual times when I do need to be involved).

However, what UP did was to make me aware of my dcs needs above the simple 'Oh he is having a tantrum' which was a real bonus for us and dc2 (dx is very new). I would argue that this is true in general and not just for children with SN. UP makes you look at your child in a different way, it makes you question your assumptions about them (eg lashing out makes dc2 very sad even though he can't control it because he knows he has hurt someone in the process). It makes you wonder what is happening in their world and how you can best support them.
And most of all, it stops you from thinking about children as 'animals'/'things' that need to be controlled and managed instead of real human beings with feelings, problems, things that they have to learn and master etc.. like we all are.

Mini it is well known that if you want a child to not to do something, the last thing that you should tell them is what they shouldn't do.

It's the well know story.
'I am going to ask you to think about a house.
What are you thinking about? A house.
Now I am going to ask you Not to think about a green elephant.
What are you thinking about? A green elephant....'

Absolutely, if using UP makes you stop and think rather than react then you are modelling behaviour which is good for your child. Children often misbehave because they react, they are unable to regulate their responses.

Friends were often surprised that I picked up my children and hugged them and consoled them when they got angry or were just about to go into a paddy. I told them that feeling anger was normal, we all feel this way sometimes and that it was ok. They knew early on that feeling something negative was rational but acting/reacting on it wasn't. This is how children learn to control their behaviour towards others, not with carrots and sticks.

yy.

I used to hug my dcs when they were upset too. And still do with dc2.

Most things do come down to common sense really. Just because I do use punishments sometimes, certainly does not mean that ds can't manage his own behaviour. Just because a parent doesn't follow UP, doesn't mean that they are "ruling with a rod of iron".
Just because you sometimes use rewards doesn't mean that you have a "performing monkey" instead of a child.
I probably do use things that would count as UP. I listen to ds talk a lot, about how he feels about things at school etc. I let him make choices that don't matter too much, like what shall we have for tea, or what shall we do today.
This morning he finally did something that I have been asking him to do for a week. I said "You must be really proud of yourself", and he looked really pleased, and when I say "no" I give a reason.
But at the end of the day, I am in charge. And sometimes if he persists in arguing against my decision I will put my foot down in no uncertain terms.
It's a mix, but I do know that he is a very empathetic child who thinks about things, apologises unbidden if he has a meltdown and hasn't ever hit or bitten another child because he "wanted to inflict pain".
Obvs I have one child, and with another child I may well do things a bit differently, because they are all different and respond to different approaches, but the set in stone rules will remain the same.

All children are different aren't they. The think that fewer demands and only rational boundaries works well esp when the boundaries you do have are always consistent. If you have too many rules and a child finds that some can be bent, he/she will spend their time trying to find how to bend the rest of them !

*the think ......I think

IfNotNow, yes agree your post.

We all try to see how our children tick. You don't need to follow a fashion such as UP to be trying to understand, empathise and love your kids.

Rightly or wrongly UP seems to lots of us to equate with lots of chatting and agonising with children rather than just doing what comes naturally I.e love, boundaries, positive rewards and strong sensible discipline.

I just can't get my head around actually having to read and follow a book or someone else's approach to their children.

Or having to stop and think in a situation whether I could say or do this to my child in case it's non UP. What a hard road to parenting.

And I defiantly can't understand the approach that you reason with disgraceful behaviour like biting. You don't reason you act and stop.

I just think its very sad people need to be told by somone they never meet whos chikds teeth are rotton who to raise there chikd

Good i dont veny teachers now days having to put up with chikdren who have to be molly collyed negotiated and every thing you asked them to do explained to in grate length good i am so glad my chikd just dose as he asked when hes asked

are we on attachment parenting now

I just thought oh ive lost posts somewhere. fwiw I agree with you laqueen

A lot of this sounds rather like the 'how to talk so kids will listen etc' type books. Think most of it is common sense stuff that most parents do to some extent any way without necessarily realising or giving it a fancy name!

you could make a killing I wonder what baby bond bombing does start sprinkling it about on posts see if anybody answers you

I agree laqueen the while premise, is that UP parents are doing it better, raising better kids, because they read a book. As if the rest of us, dont listen or know out children, or put in as much time and effort

I think its mini back down the page, inferring that if you give your kids rewards, then you have 'trained monkeys'. It's actually really fucking superior and insulting. My kids have rewards pretty often, which they lap up. They are also very strong willed bloody minded little madams, that I challenge any primate trainer to tame

It's like a cult. The UP parents can't see the reality of how the other normal people are doubtful it

\i said that ages ago any sort of parenting style I find quite culty I really do it is weird. to turn your child into some sort of project.

'The Unfettered Child: taking away boundaries, so you can give more love'

oh gwan you should plug it in america first and have you looking all whimsical on the book cover

You should wear a long white gown, and have your children sitting at your feet. You must all have side partings