to end a pregnancy without DH's knowledge

[uggbug]

Background: I am once of those idiots who I have always laughed at who has fallen PG by accident. After my DD2 I went on to Cerazette which made my hair fall out even more. Ditched it, made DH use condoms. He would (TMI) put it in pre the really exciting part to 'see how nice it feels'. Then take it and put condom on. Yes I am a fool, a twat and all those other things. I am 34 and have behaved like a thick 14 yr old. He said among other things (correctly)...'come on, it took 18 mths to get PG with DD2 - you're not going to get PG with some foreplay'. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Anyway. Am PG. 2-3 weeks. 100% no more kids for me. Our marriage only just survived the last 2. He says he doesn't want any more, but I suspect when confronted with this situation may or may not be 1%+ in doubt of that. If I tell him, then insist on a very early (drugs) termination, I run the risk that he will secretly hate me for ever. Every time we talk about 'ha ha,2 is enough isn't it!' it will be tainted by this memory. He may see me as a hard bitch. It may break us in the long term?

I am considering just going to doc tomorrow and doing it. On my own. No support. Will have to go through it by myself. No 'lesson' for DH that you can't just push to have sex as you like and get away with it (I am taking equal responsibility here BTW).

BUT no guilt for me relating to him. He never knows. He is already stressed to the max at work. I know he should have a say, but what is the point if I AM NOT HAVING ANOTHER, EVER?

??? Flame away. I am agonising.

It is your choice.

However I have been where you are, I am sad to say, and for precisely the same thing. Only problem was my partner and I had only been together 2 months and he was adamant that having kids ruined his marriage... So I did it. Didn't tell him. My best friend came with me.

In short, it nearly ruined us. I was an emotional wreck - no matter how sure you are, it's a lot to cope with, especially on your own. I didn't realise it but we grew apart because there was this void between us I couldn't cross anymore - secrets are the biggest killer of relationships. You will be building a wall between you that you may never be able to break down.

I eventually told my partner about a year later. I was drunk and I sobbed as I told him. To his credit he took it in his stride, but I know he was upset I hadn't told him and devastated that I'd done what I did and without his knowledge. It helped us repair some bridges, but still his faith in me was shaken and it took over two years to recover properly.

Please god tell him. Don't ever do what I did. You may not care about the pregnancy but if you care for your relationship, talk to your husband because your marriage WILL suffer for it.

I dont mean to sound flippant at all or dripfeed just wanted to get the question out there asap. My dh is lovely, just v stubborn and won't listen when you say we shouldn't really do something if he doesnt believe theres an issue, which is quite selfish in retrospect. He will support me, I am just so worried about being the one who decides this for us - what if he is unhappy about it and I do it anyway

OP I don't know anything about your relationship but this ^^ worries me. Your DH is lovely, but he's just stubborn and won't listen when you say you don't want penetrative intercourse without protection....? That's what I'm understanding here - that his 'stubbornness' is around wanting to have sex without protection prior to pulling out and putting a condom on. Right? Even though you told him you didn't think it was a good idea?

Sorry, but when I put it like that, do you not see how you look very vulnerable within this relationship?

Because yes, you consented, but it sounds like under a bit of pressure, and you are the one bearing the physical consequences....

PS, the suggestion by the poster above is a very good one. I wish I had thought of that.

I think you shouldn't have to go through this on your own. And he shouldn't think unprotected sex has no consequences. Or what happens the next time he wants to do it.

The post by freeandhappy

I think it's your choice because it's your body. I also think this 'secret' would be very, very hard to live with. Be careful OP - don't risk your life long peace of mind. May be best to face the horrible conversations now rather than try living with this concealed. I also agree a stubborn husband who insists on unprotected sex basically does sound like a problem in himself.

I agree with much of what's been said already. Without knowing your DH, it's hard to know for definite, but with that caveat, I think you should tell your DH.

Two reasons: one, he needs to know that his actions had a consequence, and therefore won't try and impose this kind of foreplay on you in future.

Two, if you don't tell him, the secret will fester away. You will become resentful of him, and you may let the secret out in an argument, which will make it all much worse. Or you won't let it out, but the resentment will remain.

And you?ve said you have a history of depression? Having a termination in secret because you?re afraid that your lovely husband will secretly be angry with you, is about as good a recipe for starting a depressive episode as I can think of. You have the right to feel angry with him and to express your anger. Yet you have already turned any anger into self-blame ? I am a fool, he will hate me forever. That isn?t sharing responsibility, that?s taking all of it.

If he is the lovely man that you say he is then he will accept responsibility for his (major) share in this situation and face up to the necessary consequences and to your right to decide how to deal with them, however painful that is for him. He will be angry with himself, not you. Unless he?s the kind of man who would blame you for his own mistakes you need to get this out in the open for the sake of your own mental health.

Some kind of counselling would be a good idea, possibly joint counselling so that you can get this out in the open. How you decide to do it ? single or joint, before or after the termination (if you have one) ? would be up to you. But don?t let this fester in secret. It?s too big a risk to your mental health.

I think freeandhappy has offered a great approach too.

I do think the practicalities make a big difference. You may be lucky and have no problems and be able to hide it but there is no way to know in advance. From the few experiences I can refer to (my own and some of my friends) I would not be so confident about hiding it, not from someone you live with, not when you have two small children who need to be taken care of.

Not only can the physical side effects be quite severe, but you can't really know how you will react emotionally (and I agree that if you have a history of depression this could be a worry). For myself, I was completely pro-choice, I knew it was not a good idea to have the baby, I had support, and yet I was very depressed for months afterward anyway (I have history of depression too).

Most important though, he needs to know the consequences of his actions! You are putting equal blame on yourselves but I have to say, it sounds more like you are used to just putting up with his stubbornness and have been going along with it because you know he won't change. Well, this should make him change.

This may be cynical but if you tell him and it ends up destroying your marriage, then your marriage was not destined to last anyway. There are bound to be more tough times ahead and you can't go through life keeping secrets and taking all the burden on yourself because you're afraid your husband will react badly. You deserve much better than that.

I would tell him, then discuss it together what you both want to happen. When dh knows, you have afew weeks to discuss it, really think about it etc to make sure its right for you both.

I dont think its fair to not give someone the choice on what happens to their unborn baby

Just because its your body, that doesnt mean you have the right to abort a baby that is also somebody elses.

Yabu the baby would be just as much his baby as yours and how can you maintain a relationship with this deception.

I'd tell him. It's a huge secret to keep. He doesn't need to know how you are agonising over this; just tell him you are late and that you are going to the doctors tomorrow. He doesn't need to have a say, but he does need to know...and he won't hate you, as this is so early it's just taking a pill to prevent further cell division.
I don't think you are BU either way, but do think that you will sruggle long term if you do this alone.

It is absolutely your choice/decision.

However, I think your DH needs to know because you need to sort out the contraception properly. How do you let him know that "come on, it took 18 mths to get PG with DD2 - you're not going to get PG with some foreplay" is actually completely incorrect or change the whole condom scenario without telling him why?

I don't think keeping this a secret is the right thing to do at all.

Totally your choice,but if you don't tell him how are you ever going to get him to get serious about contraception,it obviously only takes once to get pregnant.
You need to make sure that this does not hapen again,maybe this will be shock he needs to realise he needs to be more responsible when it comes to contraception,he is the one being selfish and irresponsible and you are the one dealing with the consequences,Good luck .

5madthings'Why does not telling her dh cut her off from professional support?'

Sorry, my comment might have been worded poorly.

I meant that professional support would be the only option as to lean on anyone else if necessary would mean that it was no longer a secret.

Her DH has no 'right' to know anything about her body, it is HER body.

I don't do secrets in my marriage, but DH has no 'right' to me, none at all.

you cant do this

you cant abort his child without telling him

mistakles happen, dont breat yourself up forever

but please dont do it, its immoral

I agree with others.
You need to talk to him about this and the sooner the better.
You need to tell him you are pg and that you don't want to keep it and you need his support to help you through.
I'm sure he'll support you if you have both already decided that 2 is enough!
I hope it all works out for you and let us know how you get on.

Thanks morloth i get what you meam now.

I agree with you i dont do secrets but my dp has no 'right' to know things particularly medical stuff.
Re a man having a vasectomy and not telling his partnet, he woukd have every right to do this. Whether or not its a nive thing to do is a totallu seperate issue and if a couple were ttc then it would come out at some point ie if they go for investigations re fertility.

This is the op's body it is her choice and no-one elses.

He had a choice to wear a condom.or not. Once the op became pregnant then the choice us hers and hers alone, thats the way it works as biology dictates.

Op i hope you can tell him and he will be supportive of your choice but your worries over this mean there are other issues in your marriage ti deal with.

Take care op xxx

Fromparis - no it's not HIS child. It's HER pregnancy. It's up to her. My concern about her not telling him is that it's a heavy weight to carry on your end of a relationship but if she doesn't want to tell him she's under absolutely no 'moral' obligation to do so. Marriage vows don't entail an absence of privacy.

uggbug, this is your decision to make but you sound very sad about having to do it on your own, and angry with your dh about him not having to take the emotional consequences if you do it on your own - "No 'lesson' for DH that you can't just push to have sex as you like and get away with it".

What will you do with that anger in the future? What will happen next time your dh says "come on it took 18 months last time" and in your head you are thinking "no it bloody didn't and I had to have an abortion on my own"?

Would your dh knowingly let you go through this without support, disapproving of you instead of helping you? If so, he is a shit. If not, maybe he should be given the chance to support you. He might be broken hearted at you thinking he wouldn't be there for you.

I totally get what you are saying btw about the dcs nearly finishing you. I also notice: "just v stubborn and won't listen when you say we shouldn't really do something" - this is the sort of thing that makes me think you should not go through this alone because I am intuiting (might be wrong, but this is what I see) that you have the sort of relationship where he makes impulsive gestures and you cope with the practicalities, especially where dcs are concerned. I can imagine him saying "What a beautiful day, let's stay out and have a picnic lunch" and brushes aside your practical objections and you having to cope with finding the food and somewhere in the shade and there isn't a sippy cup for the little one and suddenly there is cream cheese all over your lap and they are whining because they need naps etc etc etc. This sounds like that sort of situation, on a grand scale, and if you let him get away with that you will resent him for ever. I also suspect he has no idea how hard having babies and small children is for you. It really can break you. Any truth in any of this?

I'd like to point out that lots of people have abortions and don't suffer emotionally.

no flames - you are preventing a few cells from developing into a baby that neither parent wants. That is the right thing to do. You are the pregnant one and you get to call it.

However I agree that this cannot be a secret - he needs to know that it is time for some real contraception or this will happen again. He must know that withdrawal is chancy!

so tell him what has happened and what you are going to do. And then one of you needs to get something snipped.

good luck.

That's true Saski

The problem, as I see it, is that you can't really know until afterwards whether you will suffer, emotionally or physically. Makes it difficult to plan to hide it from a partner, you just can't predict how feasible that will be.

Oh, you poor thing.

I am pro-choice. It is your right to do this. However, I really don't think you should do this without telling him. You're a human being. You are already angry, and trying to turn it all into blame for yourself. and I think you will get angrier, because your husband will be saying things like, "it's been okay all the other times" when you try to persuade him to use a condom for foreplay. You are angry about being "pushed into sex". You are going to get angrier. How are you going to stop the same happening again?

How will the next twenty years feel with that amount of anger and resentment? I'm not sure what worries me more: that you won't be able to keep the secret, or that you will keep it. Either way, I think the secrecy and resentment will destroy you.

I think you have to tell him.

I was not having any more children (had 2). I was 1 month into a new job and discovered I was pregnant. I was devastated. But I told DH and to my surprise he just said "We'll manage somehow". After that I never looked back, although 2 and a half years later it meant we had to move 250 miles away just to afford a big enough property for the 5 of us. That "accident " is just about to be 13.
We don't have much money , but we are a happy family.