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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to end a pregnancy without DH's knowledge

150 replies

uggbug · 11/02/2013 20:15

Background: I am once of those idiots who I have always laughed at who has fallen PG by accident. After my DD2 I went on to Cerazette which made my hair fall out even more. Ditched it, made DH use condoms. He would (TMI) put it in pre the really exciting part to 'see how nice it feels'. Then take it and put condom on. Yes I am a fool, a twat and all those other things. I am 34 and have behaved like a thick 14 yr old. He said among other things (correctly)...'come on, it took 18 mths to get PG with DD2 - you're not going to get PG with some foreplay'. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Anyway. Am PG. 2-3 weeks. 100% no more kids for me. Our marriage only just survived the last 2. He says he doesn't want any more, but I suspect when confronted with this situation may or may not be 1%+ in doubt of that. If I tell him, then insist on a very early (drugs) termination, I run the risk that he will secretly hate me for ever. Every time we talk about 'ha ha,2 is enough isn't it!' it will be tainted by this memory. He may see me as a hard bitch. It may break us in the long term?

I am considering just going to doc tomorrow and doing it. On my own. No support. Will have to go through it by myself. No 'lesson' for DH that you can't just push to have sex as you like and get away with it (I am taking equal responsibility here BTW).

BUT no guilt for me relating to him. He never knows. He is already stressed to the max at work. I know he should have a say, but what is the point if I AM NOT HAVING ANOTHER, EVER?

??? Flame away. I am agonising.

OP posts:

TicTacSir · 11/02/2013 20:37

Is there a very good reason why you 100% don't want any more?
I ask that because when I was adamantly telling DH that no way could I carry and give birth to a third child, I went out of my way to prove it... I had a coil fitted, which didn't work for me as it made me quite poorly, and then I got sterilized.
Never would I have had unprotected foreplay!!
I'm not judging you and if you say NO WAY! then I believe you... but did a little 1% of you consider that a 3rd might be nice...?
In my opinion I couldn't hide such a big thing from DH. I'd also be looking at my two DCs and wondering how the family dynamic might have been different, who the unborn baby might have been like, etc.
If you have a huge discussion on how the other two DCs and babyhood was so hard, perhaps you could both come to an agreement... and if that means termination, then so be it. But Im not sure you'll shoulder the feelings of whatever it leads you to feel by yourself.

thegreylady · 11/02/2013 20:39

Sad but entirely your decision

floweryblue · 11/02/2013 20:44

You should be able to talk to your DH about this.

I still think it's ultimately your decision but not only is he entitled to have an opinion, he also has to take a responsibility for the situation you find both of yourselves in by both of your carelessness.

You also need to consider long term contraception together, ie you do stuff to your body or he does stuff to his.

thebody · 11/02/2013 20:44

I think the decision to terminate is totally yours to make but the support and love needed to support you in this is the reason you got married in the first place.

What happens when he wants to mess around again to 'see how nice it feels' ??? You surely couldn't either not tell him then or allow it to happen again.

Takes two to tango, if you can't share this then what can you share.

returnvisit · 11/02/2013 20:48

Why is the decision to terminate solely the op's? Both of them have made the baby.

If it was the other way around, most people would b up in arms?

How would you feel if dh made such a big decision without consulting u?

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 11/02/2013 20:51

This will be the hardest decision you will ever have to make, and it is your decision. No matter what anyone else may say, in the end, you are alone with it - even if you told DH and he was there with you all the way, it would still be you taking the drugs and going through it, or carrying and giving birth. It's not up to anyone else.
Good luck to you.

kalidanger · 11/02/2013 20:51

Is he likely to see you as a 'hard bitch'? Is that the sort if thing he'd say and think? I'm not casting about for ways to say he's a bad guy but you know him - he'd not think that about his DW?

If my DH was lovely I'd probably say "See??!" and terminate while he goes "Oh god, i didnt realise..." If I didn't have a lovely DH I'd probably tell myself I was just, uh, encouraging my period and have a drug TOP.

kalidanger · 11/02/2013 20:52

Oh, and discuss a vasectomy?

Domjolly · 11/02/2013 20:54

I think dont keep the baby if you dont want to but secrets like this tend to eat away at a marraige and wont you want the support i read termnations can be very hard emotionally

gordyslovesheep · 11/02/2013 20:55

YANBU but I think it's very sad you can't talk to him and it may be very hard without support

I feel for you OP - what a horrible situation x

BarredfromhavingStella · 11/02/2013 20:55

Completely your decision & AIBU is not the question to ask.

I do think you need to tell DH though, as has already been pointed out, he needs to know the consequences of his (& yours) actions.

I also think you need to have an adult conversation about contraception for the future as imo, if you definitely don't want any more children condoms are not the way to go.

gwenniebee · 11/02/2013 20:58

I think the pressure of keeping a secret like that would be unbearable.

How would it affect your relationship if it comes out in the future and he knows you lied to him? IMO/E that kind of secrecy is fatal to a relationship.

aldiwhore · 11/02/2013 20:58

From the little imformation you've given about your husband, YANBU... perhaps you're angry but from your op, I think YABU to remain with this man. He doesn't sound like he cherishes you. I may be way off. But your current situation reads like the least of your troubles.

Good luck, make the right decision for you. x

NumericalMum · 11/02/2013 21:00

I really don't think you are being Unreasonable, but I would hope that if you have 2 children together your DH would be able to understand your reasoning. If he can't then I really do think you should have counselling no matter what you do right now. Take care.

CloudsAndTrees · 11/02/2013 21:01

YABVVU, but it's your choice.

MummytoMog · 11/02/2013 21:02

Oh god. If you can live with the secret, then it's entirely up to you, but if you ever ever told him afterwards, he'd probably be rightly very upset. So you'd have to keep it to the grave :(

I don't do so well with hormonal contraception and had the copper coil (after a similar fuck up as it happens so you're not the only one, I just realised a bit sooner that we'd had sex at totally the wrong/right time). First few periods were hell, but it's settled down nicely and is completely awesome.

FergusSingsTheBlues · 11/02/2013 21:04

You cite strain on your relationship as a factor, but a secret like this could easily destroy a marriage anyway. Many of my friends have had terminations: they all needed support years down the line. Not sure how you could keep it a secret.

And actually I think that keeping it a secret and blocking your husband out over a decision over HIS child would be a dreadful thing to do. Might be your body but its not just your baby, is it?

Sausagedog27 · 11/02/2013 21:08

Your decision op, I think it's sad you don't want to discuss it with him though.

Going forward you do need to sort contraception out long term. Would he consider a vesectomy or you a sterilisation?

calandarbear · 11/02/2013 21:10

I am going to bed but I decided to put this out there. I had a termination aged 17 my boyfriend and I split up before I found I was pregnant. I went to the doctors I got it sorted at 9 weeks i had councilling before and after. It was horrendous to this day the only person who knows is my DH who I got with three months after, I had councilling for nearly 10 years it was too much to take on alone. I really urge you to not do it alone OP it is so so hard.

apostropheuse · 11/02/2013 21:14

YABU

At the very least he has a right to know that you are expecting his child and to at least let you know his feelings on it.

KeatsiePie · 11/02/2013 21:15

I agree with kalidanger ... would hope he wouldn't think badly of you in any way here? I mean, what a shit position for you to be in; it was your mutual choice to take the risk but you are the one holding the bag now, either bag, so to speak -- that should be his concern.

Also, uh, we do this. I knew it was stupid but ... yeah we're stopping now.

I think it's okay for you to do what you think best here.

5madthings · 11/02/2013 21:15

Yanbu, your body, your choice.

Fwiw I would tell as I would want my dp's unconditional support throughout.

lubeybooby · 11/02/2013 21:17

OP it isn't an easy thing to go through. You will need 2- 3 appointments and won't be allowed to leave the clinic alone after the last step whether you have the surgical or medical option. I've just been for a consultation today.

You will be in pain afterwards for a few hours and will need to rest.

It's going to be impossible to hide. Tell your DH.

RedToothBrush · 11/02/2013 21:19

Am PG. 2-3 weeks. 100% no more kids for me. Our marriage only just survived the last 2.

Totally up to you what you do. BUT if the marriage only just survived the last 2, and are suggesting that a 3rd would be too much, please don't think that an abortion is the obvious solution to this problem either. A termination could equally be the thing that breaks the camels back and could destroy the marriage too. Particularly if its a secret one.

You might be able to keep it secret. You might not. And theres always the danger in the heat of an argument you'll blurt it out to him.

He said two is enough. Why not trust him on that as it seems like you are both on the same page with it? It sounds like you are scared he'll change his mind.

The thing is, if you don't talk about it, you'll never know just how he really felt.

More than anything else it sounds like there is a massive communication problem in your marriage - hence why you fell pregnant in the first place. And thats probably likely to bite you on the bum, whether you stick with 2 kids or end up with three ultimately.

RufousBartleby · 11/02/2013 21:19

No support. Will have to go through it by myself. No 'lesson' for DH that you can't just push to have sex as you like and get away with it

OP I think from reading what you have said that you are not going to able to cope with keeping this to yourself.

I think the resentment will eat away at you that you have had to carry this burden alone and next time he 'pushes' for sex you will be unable to contain that anger that you felt forced to go through this unsupported. Whatever he might think now (and if he thinks you are a bitch that says more about him than you) it will probably be more corrosive to keep this to yourself.

I get the feeling that you don't really think it is okay for him to 'get away with it' without seeing the consequences of your actions either.

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