to end a pregnancy without DH's knowledge

[uggbug]

Background: I am once of those idiots who I have always laughed at who has fallen PG by accident. After my DD2 I went on to Cerazette which made my hair fall out even more. Ditched it, made DH use condoms. He would (TMI) put it in pre the really exciting part to 'see how nice it feels'. Then take it and put condom on. Yes I am a fool, a twat and all those other things. I am 34 and have behaved like a thick 14 yr old. He said among other things (correctly)...'come on, it took 18 mths to get PG with DD2 - you're not going to get PG with some foreplay'. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Anyway. Am PG. 2-3 weeks. 100% no more kids for me. Our marriage only just survived the last 2. He says he doesn't want any more, but I suspect when confronted with this situation may or may not be 1%+ in doubt of that. If I tell him, then insist on a very early (drugs) termination, I run the risk that he will secretly hate me for ever. Every time we talk about 'ha ha,2 is enough isn't it!' it will be tainted by this memory. He may see me as a hard bitch. It may break us in the long term?

I am considering just going to doc tomorrow and doing it. On my own. No support. Will have to go through it by myself. No 'lesson' for DH that you can't just push to have sex as you like and get away with it (I am taking equal responsibility here BTW).

BUT no guilt for me relating to him. He never knows. He is already stressed to the max at work. I know he should have a say, but what is the point if I AM NOT HAVING ANOTHER, EVER?

??? Flame away. I am agonising.

Grey, quite, and if you are, you say you are ill and go to the loo. It doesn't last that long.

The practicalities are not the point. Your relationship is the point. OP you need to be with someone you don't tiptoe around.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation :(

YANBU to do what you want with the pg

YABU not to tell your H

Thanks all for your very kind and really helpful advice. This is a ridiculous situation to be in and I already feel massively guilty about being so stupid. I always said I would never be able to have a termination and some of your practical descriptions are very sobering. I dont mean to sound flippant at all or dripfeed just wanted to get the question out there asap. My dh is lovely, just v stubborn and won't listen when you say we shouldn't really do something if he doesnt believe theres an issue, which is quite selfish in retrospect. He will support me, I am just so worried about being the one who decides this for us - what if he is unhappy about it and I do it anyway - that does not go away. We had a miscarriage between dcs and it affected him a lot. When I said our marriage only just survived before I meant I was depressed both times and it was tough. Only now they are 3 and 1 is life bit more manageable.

Well I think the stress of carrying secret could be too much of a burden for you to carry. But only you know this. And also if you have regrets afterwards on feel depressed it will be even more difficult if you have not talked this over beforehand with your dh as you won't be able to tell him then. Hope you work things out and do what is best.

You are fully entitled to go & have the abortion.

Your body, your choice.

If you decide to do it without telling your DH that is also OK.

Your body - your choice, yet again.

BUT.............

You can never tell him about it, EVER. You have to keep it as a secret for the rest of your days.

And I would recommend that you don't tell your best mate/sister/mother/brother.

You tell no one (apart from Mumsnet - who have no clue as to who you are) and you keep it that way. FOR EVER.

Then it's fine. Honestly, truly fine. But you keep stchum for ever more.

And I'll be here to hand hold. Don't know you so it's OK.

Only you can know if a termination is the right decision for you, so try not to take too much notice of other peoples personal experiences, as they are all so different. for example, I had a termination when I was 20. I knew I didn't want a baby then, and when it was all over I just felt relieved that I could carry on with my life. That will sound heartless to some people, but that's how it was for me. It hasn't haunted me at all, never, And I have no regrets at all.

I think your biggest problem is that this may happen again unless you are able to address the contraception issue, and you won't be able to convince your DH of the importance of not taking risks if he doesn't know the full story.

YANBU, it is absolutely your body and your choice. OP, I have terminated a pg without telling my DH and I don't regret it one bit. We had both decided that we didn't want any more dc, so it was pointless discussing it, I always knew termination was the right option. But I had always been the more decisive one in my marriage regarding dc, and I didn't want DH to sway me as I felt the decision was mine to make alone. I think DH might have tried to convince me to keep it if he'd known about it, but that's an easy thing for men to say as they don't have to deal with pg, childbirth, the bulk of childrearing etc.

It was a very straightforward medical abortion for me. DH was fortunately out of town for a few days so I didn't have to hide anything from him. I didn't have any problems managing it by myself, I didn't feel it was a heavy secret or burden, or feel the need to talk about it to anyone. I suppose I've always strongly felt that it's a woman's right, so I see nothing to be ashamed about.

I went to get the implant a few weeks afterwards - one of the most effective forms of contraception and the best thing to go for ime, if you don't want the finality of the snip/sterilisation.

I do agree that you need to keep it quiet, and not confide in other people. If you felt you needed to talk it over with someone, there are lots of free counselling service, or helplines. There is no trace at all of my termination, I didn't keep any paperwork, it was done privately so not linked to my medical records, none of my family or friends ever knew.

I left the clinic alone after a medical abortion. I guess it differs on where you are in the country. The only way I see he would find out without you telling him is if something went horribly wrong and he was your next of kin.

I think large secrets are corrosive to relationships.

Obviously the termination is entirely up to you but not telling him is very sad, why should you have to carry that shit around when HE was the one waving sperm into your fanjo. No consequences for cock waver?!?

What happens when he grumps at you that it 'was fine last time' when he wibbled around inside you?

for you and at the same time.

I think the 'to the grave' comments are a reference to the fact that if she does this behind her husbands back she can never tell him. Or anyone else in case it gets back to him second hand.

So she must be willing to keep this from him forever. Which will be fine if an abortion is nothing more than a sigh of relief and a weight off her shoulders, but won't be if it's something she struggles with.

And I'm not being so patronising as to assume she will struggle with the abortion per se, but the feelings of anger being in this position, and that her husband helped put her here, the strong insistence she's going to have to adopt on contraception from now on...all without being able to say a word. I think people are just cautioning her to be aware of what that entails should she choose that option.

I agree it is your decision but keeping it secret is not going to work.

And I don't think you're the stupid one. You didn?t get pregnant by yourself. You got pregnant because your DH chose to take risks for his own pleasure and because the two of you weren?t using a very reliable means of contraception anyway. So how are you going to stop it happening again, especially if your DH doesn?t even know you got pregnant this time? How will you convince him what he?s doing is unsafe and he has to get the snip or at least use the blasted condoms properly in future?

I would confront him. And never mind him thinking that I am a hard bitch - I would nail his head to the floor for being such a stupid irresponsible selfish creep who didn?t care about me enough to protect me from a situation where I might need a termination. And poor diddums is stressed at work? If he?s as careless at work as he is at home then no wonder.

He is not a child and you can?t protect him from the consequences of his own stupidity by hiding them from him.

I couldn't keep such a huge secret from my H, not if I wanted to stay with him and grow old with him. It's his baby too, and he is equally responsible for creating it.

I would end up blurting it out, or getting maudlin after a few gins and spilling my guts. I would need his support, and the knowledge that we were in it together. We are not talking about a ONS where neither of you owe each other anything here

But then, that is me. And that is my relationship. I accept it isn't the same for everyone. But I did really think that was what marriage was all about. Other wise, it's just two strangers having sex, isn't it ?

(He wouldn't sway my decision once I had made it though, for the record)

And sorry to derail the thread slightly but I read lauries post to my partner and he shook his head and said "Some of those women have a way with words don't they"

If I didn't get those things, I would consider my marriage over.

Reeling at the first few replies. A marriage needs to be based on trust. If you're worried about his reaction, then you're asking the wrong question.

I think there are some really wise words written here.

Of course you have the right to choose what happens to your body. But it's a really tough burden to bear alone - don't underestimate the impact it will have.

By not telling your DH you may well end up resenting him for all of this.

There really is no easy answer here .

Something is no longer a secret if more than one person knows.

If you are going to keep this a secret and intend to never tell him, then you are also cutting yourself off from anything other than professional support should you need it.

You might not need it, you might just shake it off, be glad it is all over and move on and not think about it again, but to be honest from what you have written here I am not entirely sure that will be the case for you. Obviously, I don't know that.

It sucks that you don't feel like you can tell him and have him look after you while you sort this out. It really does.

This is not some one night stand. This is her husband. It's his baby too. I think he has a right to know.

Why does not telling her dh cut her off from professional support? It makes it harder/moire complicated for sure but it doesn't mean she can't access it if need be.

And sorry but married or not he doesn't have a right to know, we all have a right to confidentiality over medical treatment.

In an ideal world yes she would talk it through and I would want to tell my partner if only for his support but he has no 'right' to know.

He put it in/....you did not object....you're as much to blame. Tell him. It's an awful thing to do when your other half has no idea. If you have any morals, it would burn you up with guilt.

I haven't read all the replies but I have done this. Almost identical situation. Did it alone, have never told a soul and have never wanted or needed support for it. Yes it was hard but the crucial thing is that I forgave myself and moved on. You can do it if you're sure its what you want.

I couldn't. If he went and had a medical procedure without telling me (particularly one that potentially affected me - say a vasectomy) I would be extremely hurt by the lack of trust. The deception and follow through lies would be more hurtful than the actual decision to do it without telling me.

I would have thought most reasonable people would accept a wife who comes to them and says "this is our mistake, but I can't do this, I don't want to do this, and I need your understanding and support".

I know when I had a "late scare" last year after similar shennanigans I was bricking at at telling DH, but I would have (and considered termination).... personally I don't think having a secret that big between you is a good thing.

we all have a right to confidentiality over medical treatment

So say a couple are TTC and the bloke changes his mind and has a vasectomy on the QT, that's fine?

crosspost with Jenny^^

How do you think he'd be if you presented it as "I didn't get my period but don't freak out I can go and get a very strong version of the morning after pill"?? That's really all it is. You will not need a taxi home or anything if you are just barely pregnant. It sounds like you need to consider the two children you already have who are so little still and how your care for them will be affected by another pregnancy so I think you are dpi g the right thing. But present to your husband as a fait-accompli. ie thi is what's happening. This is what it will cost. I have it booked and I am going to do it on my own. In return you ask that he not freak out, be very grateful to you and proud that he has a strong, capable, decisive wife who knows her limits and is resourceful enough to deal with a mistake you both made. And that he does all childcare this weekend and never has sex with you unprotected again.