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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse house guests 4-6 weeks after giving birth?

55 replies

MummyKanny · 10/02/2013 21:50

I'm pregnant with my first and DH has mentioned his brother (who lives 4 hours' drive away) coming to stay over a bank holiday weekend once the baby is born. All being well, baby will be 4 to 6 weeks old and I can't help thinking it's WAY too soon to be having people to stay. Especially when those people have a toddler. DH seems upset about this and seems to think that we'll be in a routine by then but I am not so sure. Does anyone have any experience with this? I don't want to be a cow about having guests to stay but I am really uneasy about booking people for weekends post birth. Would appreciate some pointers on how to navigate this potential nightmare in-law scenario!

OP posts:

GloriaPritchett · 10/02/2013 21:53

Did they invite themselves?

I would have hated every second of it; you need to get your DH to tell them no.

I actually can't believe anyone with a toddler would inflict themselves on a couple with a newborn.

HollyBerryBush · 10/02/2013 21:53

Wouldnt bother me, provided I liked the ILs - if you don't that is a different scenario entirely. You are perhaps imagining problems where none will exist.

FergusSingsTheBlues · 10/02/2013 21:54

Nope. You decide. I had first guests at three months.
You will be wrapped up in the baby and taking all the time to adjust, your furst baby us a massive adjustment. Plus, you dont actually know, for sure, how hard you might find it etc. Just say no, its a bit presumptious of them.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/02/2013 21:54

I went almost three weeks late so I wouldn't risk it. If you are planning to BF you may still be in that painful, difficult stage (if you have that, I did) and may not want people around. I was barely able to deal with my close family at that point, never mind ILs.

thebody · 10/02/2013 21:54

Err no no no no.you have no idea how you will be feeling so soon after the birth and neither will your dh.

Am amazed your bil and sil who have a toddler haven't said this to you.

Don't make any plans except to be very good to yourself.

Your dh is going to have a huge shock if he thinks life will go on as before.

Definatly day no.

WidowWadman · 10/02/2013 21:55

I had my parents fly over to visit when my baby was 4 weeks old, they stayed a week and were very helpful. Wouldn't have done it much earlier, but at 4-6 weeks it's really not a problem

noblegiraffe · 10/02/2013 21:55

Could they stay in a hotel nearby? Who would want to spend the night in a house with a newborn?

Sam100 · 10/02/2013 21:56

I think it would depend on what they were like. If they are the sort who expect to be waited on hand and foot and to be given a gourmet home cooked 3 course meal then I'd say no. If they are down to earth, take it as it comes, lets order in takeaway types then I'd say yes. Is there a SIL and do you get on? Also what do you think of their parenting? if you have fundamentally different ideas then you may want to leave visits until you are more established and have decided on what matters to you.

UnrequitedSkink · 10/02/2013 21:56

Difficult to say to be honest - it really depends on what kind of baby you have, s/he might be a little angel who wakes/feeds/goes straight back to sleep. I had visitors staying when both my DSs were around the same age and younger and it was fine, but the visitors were all very considerate, got themselves breakfast, brought me up cups of tea and generally didn't expect me to run around after them.

In your shoes I would say to my DH that his relatives were welcome to come as long as he was prepared to cook and clean before and during their visit and tell them they had to look after themselves as you'd be too knackered! If they're decent people they won't mind at all.

DragonMamma · 10/02/2013 21:57

If it's just one night I think YABU, everybody can manage for one night.

Any longer and I'd say it was a bit much.

I had my DC1 late November and had 4 friends over for the weekend just after New Year - I was glad of a change of company and a chance to show my baby off tbh

Curtsey · 10/02/2013 21:57

Tbh I would have hated this with my first. I'd probably be ok with it on a subsequent baby, but it just took me ages to adjust to the new world order with DD and house guests were not encouraged!
If they have to stay, though, it'll be fine, just sit on the couch and feed and cuddle and don't try to be a host!

brummiegirl1 · 10/02/2013 21:58

I don't think i would have liked people staying as geetting used to breastfeeding(if you choose to) and wanting to sleep when you need to which may be more awkward with people staying especially with a noisy toddler.

I remember people visiting and sometimes with out being horrible just wanting them to go if they stayed too long as i just wanted to go to sleep, also baby may be over due or you may end up having a section and longer recovery.

The main thing you need when you have just had a baby is to feel comfortable and relaxed.

Afritutu · 10/02/2013 21:58

It's unrealistic. If it's your first baby, you most likely won't be coming out of the 'fog' for about 8-9 weeks. Some babies (miracle babies!) will take a routine by 4 weeks, but many won't. If you had a normal birth, your body will have healed by 4 weeks, but you'll be knackered with night feeding and babies this age typically need to be fed every 2-4 hours through the night. If you had a c section, you might not have fully regained your strength and physically recovered. Once baby arrives DH will realise that at 4 weeks house guests would be a nightmare. Do you have any good friends who have had children who could gently advise him?

amck5700 · 10/02/2013 21:58

Wouldn't bother me and we took my son at that age to go and stay with my sister and then with my sil & bil on a bit of a road trip.

brummiegirl1 · 10/02/2013 21:58

Also it depends how demanding they are

LBsBongers · 10/02/2013 21:59

Def not being unreasonable, 4-6 weeks after my first I was still struggling to BF, very tired, most certainly not in a routine and not very confident.

Cant they stay in a travel lodge nearby or something, if its only for a night or two they won't mind. Make a big point of saying its nothing personal and that a few months in you will be more than happy to have them stay. If they have a child already they will probably understand anyway.

Had my third child in November and managed to host Christmas, which would have been inconceivable with my first!

dyzzidi · 10/02/2013 22:00

Ok so I'm possibly the exception but if I didn't have visitors staying over then dh's family and my best friend would not have seen dd for about four months.

If you know when they are coming you can make it clear that although they are welcome you will not be entertaining so it will be take out for dinner sandwich for lunch and cereal for breakfast. As its a weekend there is absolutely no reason that dh can't prepare rooms prior to arrival and tidy up afterwards if he wants them to visit.

To be honest I found it quite nice as my visitors were very helpful and it meant that dh got a bit of a rest as I was quite poorly after my c section. They looked after us.

I don't find visitors too much stress though so maybe it is just me.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 10/02/2013 22:02

Depends on the guests!

We had my parents and then DP's mum to stay within the first few weeks, but they're all lovely, helpful, look after themselves types so we didn't have to 'entertain' iyswim.

As someone upthread mentioned, if they have a toddler themselves, they should remember how overwhelming and precious those first few weeks are so I'm surprised they've asked to stay, but if your DP has invited them to show off his new arrival then it's a bit more understandable.

Is there a Travelodge or similiar near you? Would that be a compromise?

NellyTheElephant · 10/02/2013 22:02

I'd just be a bit non committal about it, make it clear that it is not definite and you might have to cancel depending on circumstances. They have a child and will understand. You don't know how you will feel though, I was totally fine with all 3 of mine. I was very ready to see people by that stage, and had various people to stay when the babies were little, I did however refuse to cook anyone anything (ready meals or Dh cooked) or make up beds etc- just put out sheets for them to do their own.

HenD19 · 10/02/2013 22:04

I would have found it too much but probably would have thought I'd be fine before giving birth. You need to wait til you've had your baby before making decisions as you'll probably both feel differently.

Original poster

MummyKanny · 10/02/2013 22:05

Thanks so much for all the responses! I do get on well with my BIL and SIL and I do find it weird that they haven't queried whether we'll be ready for guests so soon after the birth. I know we'll feel obliged to be good hosts (we live in London and ILs are up north - it's always a bit of a holiday for them when they visit) so I would rather wait until we have found our feet so we can all enjoy ourselves. DH is struggling to see why it's a problem and I am struggling to get through to him!

OP posts:

allwaysthebaddie · 10/02/2013 22:07

YANBU -- hell no!

Talk to DH and tell him to postpone the visit. Tell him its starting to stress you out and when baby is here, you can work something out from there, see how you, DH and baby are feeling. Might be a different story then. Good luck!

cakeandcava · 10/02/2013 22:07

No no no. DS (my first) is 16 weeks now and I still wouldn't want houseguests. At 4-6 weeks we had no routine, breastfeeding was still painful (it gets better!) and I didn't feel particularly confident about things. You will still be in a little bubble at that stage, just wanting to take it easy with your baby and partner and noone else.

GlaikitFizzog · 10/02/2013 22:07

Will they be there to help you? Or will they want entertained? I had my mum to stay 2 weeks after ds was born, mainly because dh was back at work and I had a CS and couldn't do very much in my own. She was great in dealing with my bleeding cracked nipples, infected scar, mastitis, thrush, the cooking and cleaning, me having to express every 2 hours because DS couldn't feed because of a tongue tie. Personally I would have had anyone else to stay but close family, and I mainly mean my mum, dad, sister best friend, possibly my brother, but I wouldn't have had him rub the antibiotic cream on my scar!

I think you need to tell them no. They are welcome to come visit and stay in a B&b locally but you can't have them stay with you. Least of all because baby might be up all night and disturb them and their toddler.

Aspiemum2 · 10/02/2013 22:11

I'm jealous, dsis and family (including 2 littlies) descended on us when dtwins were 3 bloody days old. No warning beforehand just a phonecall the day before (they live the other side of the country)
If dsis wasn't so uptight I would have been able to say no but couldn't be doing with the drama that would have created

If I wasn't such a doormat I wouldn't have had any overnight guests, well ever! I like my own space though!

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