To say he can't go to stag do if there are going to be strippers?

[DelphineD]

I'm sorry if this ends up being long; I will try to keep it as concise as possible.

Last year DP went to a stag do (first one that has come up whilst we have been together). It was one of his closest friends, and one that I previously liked and respected. They were away for 2 nights. I had wondered if some sort of strip thing might be involved but I thought probably not as the friend was not that kind of man and DP assured me when he got back that there was nothing of the kind. I later found out (through my scarily good investigation and interrogation!!) that this was not the case. On the first night they had been to a strip club and on the second night there were topless waitresses at their apartment for about 3 hours. This info came out bit by bit. Each time DP would insist there was nothing more to tell, then I found out something else. Eventually I think I got a full confession out of him but it was difficult to be sure as he had lied so many times about it. I also got out of him that there had been topless waitresses at a work party he had attended some time before (I had suspected something wrong and he had always denied it before.) He claimed all this was not of his doing, it was not really of interest to him and he just went along with it because they were in a group and he didn't want to make a fuss etc etc. If he had had a lap dance, I would have broken up with him (friend had a lap dance and the man has gone down a lot in my estimation.) As it was I nearly broke up with him anyway. He knew how much I hated strippers and how I would feel about it, and he did it anyway. But I think the most damaging thing was the lying. I trusted him before, and he had destroyed all that.

We got over it and agreed that if there was anything like this again he would tell me the truth and face the music. He understands how much more damaging it was that he lied about it. Since then, I have been to a work party where there was a male stripper. I didn't know in advance but I did know once I got there and I could have come home. It seemed a bit hypocritical, but I went anyway. I just sat at the back, while some of the married women in my group, went up on stage, straddled the stripper, took their wedding rings off, etc etc. That made me think that I wasn't so worried about DP being present in a large room where women were stripping, it was how he behaved and the interaction that would bother me. Hence why I was more upset about the topless women in the apartment than the ones in the strip club. FWIW I believe he would have behaved in a similar way to me in his situation. But his friend having that lap dance upset me, and made me think you can't trust any man, even the ones who seem nice and like they really love their partners.

Now he has his DB's stag party coming up. It's in the city where we live, but some people will be coming from elsewhere so there will be an apartment rented again. He has said he will tell the truth about it this time. He has admitted that the best man is planning something to do with strippers but nothing is booked in yet. I'm already feeling upset about it already and I just don't want him to be around strippers at all. WIBU to say, if that is happening, I don't want you to go at all?

I wonder how many men do tell their partners yes I had a dance she was close I could smell her pussy, i have had to wash of the snail trails and had the hardest hard on

And how many say

I was bored actually and all I thought of was you

Princess, can't you see it? :(

Overcoming your insecurities will not come from trying to outdo the strippers that your boyfriend has been paying for earlier on in the night. I genuinely feel sad and sorry for you. I'm not being patronising or wanting to sound like I am btw.

I suppose that my self-esteem would take a plummet if my DH started spending our cash on strippers but I wouldn't fucking remedy it by your methods.

These threads always end up the same don't they?
Everyone trying to defend their own point if view.
If you find it acceptable for your partner to go and leer or possible even more then that's fine but do t make other women feel bad for not finding that acceptable.
No you can't ever stop another adult from doing what they want but maybe there is an argument for not doing something that your partner finds offensive.
country thanks
boney I have spoken to actual people who have been in these places. Either your argument is that it's not true or not the minority, which is it?
Thinking about it as well when we have the races here (cheltenham) dh says there are lots of arrests from these clubs for breaching the laws.
They actually send out undercover police (which is another thread really)
The offences range from no lower underwear to soliciting and lewd behaviour.

Obviously I wasn't suggesting that. It was stated that it was the saddest thread she had read in a long, long time. Now that was a stupid remark.

It just shows what a number the sex industry has done on us all, men included.

The fact that most men have no strong opinions about strip clubs and it's just a given that one will be part of a stag do, is the most depressing thing of all.
Lequeen, will your H still be propping up the sex industry bar in these places when your two little girls are the same age as the strippers in them?

I agree so many have bought into its just a bit of harmless fun

we have lots of sex workers that come to the dv centre I worked in(runs support for women in the sex industry) there is nothing fun or empowering or innocent about it all it is vile what these women have had to deal with

"It just shows what a number the sex industry has done on us all, men included"

I agree with this one million times.

Men have stitched this up so that we are turning on each other. Other women are calling other women uptight/prudes/battleaxes/insecure/jealous because these other women are sad that their men are paying to slime over other women.

It's the fucking Nuts/FHM culture that's to blame, too.

You're the height of cool if you pay for your boyfriend to have a lapdance but you're an insecure harpie if you dare object to it. And this is OTHER. WOMEN. Aren't we supposed to be united on this at least? That objectifying largely vulnerable women is shit, that paying for it is shit, and doing it to the detriment of your relationship is shit? If they've managed to get us to disagree on THIS, they've done a fine fucking job on us.

Can I just say I've never felt the need to give or receive foot rub?

GON - calling my posts stupid is a neat way of detracting from the point I was trying to make which, coincidentally, is very different to yours. Perhaps I was guilty of hyperbole but it did genuinely upset me to read a post like that.

And for the record, I am NOT insecure. It is because I am not insecure that I would tell my DH to fuck right off if he entertained getting his rocks off at a LDC. I expect better from the man I chose to marry and have children with. If he doesn't deliver on these basic principles, he knows how to look up divorce lawyer in the Yellow Pages.

marmalade I agree with everything in your last post.

And the one before that

And that I would find it quite baffling to suggest that a foot rub was as important to my happiness and mental well being as opposed to other things like having a bloke who didn't stare blank-eyed and slack-jawed at other women's bodies?

kitten

Precisely, Limited.

DH gives me footrubs but not as payment for trying to outdo the strippers he'd been fapping over earlier in the night. He does it just because we do nice things for each other.

It is because I am not insecure that I would tell my DH to fuck right off if he entertained getting his rocks off at a LDC.

This. Exactly!

This is simple for me: DH would not / does not go to stag does, Xmas parties etc where it is known that there will be strippers, topless waitresses etc. This is a clear red line for me, he knows this and respects it. If the party turns into a "let's all go to Stringfellows", he either comes home or goes for a pint or two in a pub instead (there's usually at least one other guy who doesn't want to go either).

I know he went to strip bars before he met me (eg university sports tours), bit that's in the past. I did things at university that I wouldn't do now.

I know other friends are completely relaxed about their DH/ DP going to strip joints; I know more who don't like it but their DH / DP go anyway. I think the latter group have more of a problem in their relationship than those who are genuinely OK with their other half using the sex industry as part of their leisure activities.

OP, YANBU

I too like a foot rub but don't earn it either I just plonk my foot in his Lap
I don't think any woman seriously believes that their partner will have an affair with a stripper.
The issue isn't trust it's about not wanting your partner and children's father to be ogling naked women and paying out money for the privilege. It's about what you find acceptable.
Are those of you who don't object equally as happy if you are out together and he is leering at other women?
As for insecurity well many woman are extremely I secure these days and that is a lot to do with unrealistic portrayal of women's bodies of which the sex industry is part of.

ledkr

My arguement is that your evidence in this case is no better than anyone elses.

Well it's better than your boney because its come from real people and my husband whom weirdly I trust despite not wishing him to go to lap dancing clubs.
Your assumptions are from where? Your head.
These clubs aren't all styishy decorated string fellow esq places many if them are covers for other services and no I don't one hundred percent know that because I've seen it with my eyes but have heard or read about it just one a lot if things we base our opinions on.
I've never actually seen animals used for vivisection but I try not to use product tested on animals and so on.

Yes marmelade

These threads are always depressing familiar.

The OP doesn't like stripping and lying, which is expensive and damaging to self-esteem at the very least. I don't know why people don't say that. It's true.

Yet loads of posters bend over backwards to say how cool they are and how frigid/controlling/insecure the OP is for objecting.

If she didn't like excessive time and money and subterfuge spent on historical re-enactment games posters would have no problem saying LTB/dweeb.

I wouldn't, actually. I'd advise her to try to tell him to rein it in. But I wouldn't hold out that much hope because spending ages dressing up in a feathered hat is just as much as an unreal obsession as staring slack-jawed at some stranger's fanny while your real-life wife is waiting at home for her husband to realise that and come home.

"It just shows what a number the sex industry has done on us all, men included"

This. Sigh.

Yes, you are right Kitten i shouldn't have called your post stupid. You obviously feel very strongly about it and I don't. Apologies there.

And YY wilson

Back to the OP (will she ever come back?) It's insecure women who have difficulty creating boundaries and deal breakers within relationships, secure women with high self esteem have no problem asserting themselves. Sometimes, a partner's "permission" is needed for particular things in a long term relationship, large purchases / a seperate holiday etc. there are plenty of things that require a partner's approval in a healthy and equal relationship, paying for sexual services would fall into that category, surely?

Yes the sex industry is a vivid example of cultural brainwashing, but I think capitalist patriarchical societies have always relied on the oppressed turning on eachother, as a means of keeping it going. It also relies on persuasive propaganda e.g. people who are opposed to the sex industry are insecure control freaks who don't like sex; it's okay to lie to a woman if she'd be angry or upset about the truth; all sex clubs are heavily regulated all over the world; despite some prostitutes being called escorts, semi-naked dancers are always dancers and semi-naked waitresses are always waitresses. The women who prop up these myths in order to maintain relationships with men who use the sex industry, or their own privilege - are powerful allies to those who want capitalism and patriarchy to continue unopposed.