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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to have my evening wedding reception without our just turned 3yroldD?

28 replies

floppops · 08/02/2013 14:18

I'm getting married next month and we are having a small afternoon registry ceremony and evening dinner at a restaurant.
Our DD is going to be my flower girl. But I really would rather not have her at the evening reception. The restaurant is not brilliantly child friendly and I would have to look after her myself and she is a hugely active child, she doesn't like sitting down for more than a couple of minutes! I always include my DD in everything I do and have never been apart from her for even one night so I'm trying not to feel guilty about wanting an adult evening that I can relax and enjoy.
My plan is to take her home after the ceremony and put her to bed at her usual bedtime and go on to the reception. She has never been put to bed by anyone but me. And then handover to a babysitter till we're back from the reception.
She will be coming on the ( very child friendly )honeymoon too.
H2B is a bit uncomfortable with DD not being there for the evening but he will not be the one who ends up looking after!

OP posts:
mrswoz · 08/02/2013 14:27

Yanbu.

My own wedding and reception party were broadly similar to what you've described above. DS aged 4.5 and DD aged 2 behaved very well at the ceremony, and came along to our reception until about 8pm, then my DM took them home and put them to bed for us (we had arranged this prior to the day) and we partied with our friends.

ipswichwitch · 08/02/2013 14:27

we got married when DS was 1, and we had always planned for him to go home at 6 so he could be bathed and put to bed. DMIL kept insisting he was fine to stay later, but when he gets tired he gets very whingy and will not sleep in his buggy when theres something far more interesting going on around him. come 6pm, he was (as predicted) over tired and screaming, and after i spent half an hour outside with him trying to calm him down, even MIL agreed he should go home. this is after the exact same scenario at SILs wedding, when I left at 6, bathed and put him to bed and left him with a babysitter.

I guess i'm trying to say you shouldn't feel guilty at all for taking her home, especially since the venue isn't child friendly, and if you'll be spending the entire evening looking after her, you won't get to mingle with your own guests, she will get bored and possibly overtired too. Your plan sounds absolutely fine, and she'll have a great time with you on honeymoon. enjoy!

bowerbird · 08/02/2013 14:28

I have never been apart from her for even one night
She has never been put to bed by anyone but me

For goodness sake, OP, have you not had a night out for three years? Do you think your DD will die if not tucked in by you? I don't mean to be harsh, but this is ridiculous. Get a babysitter in before the wedding for a trial run. Go out and enjoy yourself, and then book same babysitter for wedding evening so it won't be a stranger.

I would have to look after her myself

H2B ... will not be the one who ends up looking after her

er... you are marrying this man, right? Is he not going to be a father to your daughter? Why would he not look after her too? Are you planning on doing all the "looking after" on your honeymoon? Are you not going to be a family? This doesn't bode well.

FWIW, OP I think you're entitled to a child-free evening reception.

sooperdooper · 08/02/2013 14:28

YANBU, she gets to stay for the day and would be tired staying up past her usual bedtime anyway, I think it's a good plan

Original poster
floppops · 08/02/2013 14:31

Yep that would be ideal if someone else could put our DD to bed. But she has never put been put to bed by anyone else but me. I have tried to persuade my mum for 3 years but to no avail! And her other grandma lives out of town so hasn't had the opportunity really..plus no one is willing to miss any part of the evening so..Also I am unsure how easily she would go to bed with someone else doing it for her very first time without me.

OP posts:
Original poster
floppops · 08/02/2013 14:35

Of course I've had nights out!! I just always go out after I've put her to bed! Then have a babysitter or her dad. I meant I haven't had her sleep apart from me IYSWIM.
It's not H2Bs fault I just know when DD is tired she wants her mum-pretty usual.

OP posts:
calandarbear · 08/02/2013 14:36

Bit harsh BowerBird. I haven't had a night out in over 6 years because I would rather be at home with the children. Everybody is different.

OP YANBU you are not in anyway excluding your DD from your special day she will probably be exhausted come the evening reception and be much happier tucked up in bed.

bowerbird · 08/02/2013 14:37

Get a babysitter. Someone nice and responsible who charges money for a service. Not a relative who will have to miss some of the party.

DD may not go to bed "easily" but she will go to bed. You won't be there anyway. She won't die, she'll be safe tucked up in her own bed. Don't mean to be mean, but really get a grip, OP.

Inertia · 08/02/2013 14:41

YANBU.

It's better for DD to be in bed,not kept up and exhausted.

Does she ever go to nursery/daycare where she already knows the staff? Sometimes one of the nursery nurses will do evening babysitting, and it'd be with a professional that she already knows.

Whoknowswhocares · 08/02/2013 14:45

Why on earth has has her dad (your fiancé?) never put her to bed?
It is unfair to you and tbh unfair to her too........what if you were ill or had to be away suddenly?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 08/02/2013 14:51

YANBU to not have you DD there in the evening. I'm sure she'll enjoy being a flower but will probably be happy to go home to bed for the evening. I agree with the others though that someone else should take your DD home and put her to bed so you're not missing out on your own wedding reception. I'm sure a babysitter would be happy to put her to bed under the circs (agree a trial run would be good) and surely a friend or relative could drop her home to meet babysitter quickly before coming back to the party.

Good luck for your wedding :)

babiesinslingsgetcoveredinfood · 08/02/2013 15:12

YANBU and what a refreshing new Alan on 'bride wants child free wedding' threads!

Bovverbird harsh & unnecessary.

Original poster
floppops · 08/02/2013 15:39

If I were too ill or had to be away suddenly I'm sure her dad would put her to bed. It hasn't happened so far. He has tried to put her to bed when we're both here but she screams for me. Perhaps I should have gone out more on purpose so he could but TBH it has always been ok for me to go out after her bedtime.
I agree I am probably being a bit silly worrying about a new person or someone she's only met once or twice putting her to bed.

OP posts:
Maebe · 08/02/2013 15:42

YANBU.

Would you be paying a babysitter to stay? If so, any chance you could have a trial night beforehand and see if your DD will go to bed without you there? She might find it easier if she knows you aren't there to call for.

Original poster
floppops · 08/02/2013 15:45

Yes will be paying for a babysitter till we come back prob around 12.30 ish.
She's always been fine in bed when I've been out before so I'm hoping will be ok. If she wakes up then I'm sure she'll manage till we get back.

OP posts:
TheFallenNinja · 08/02/2013 15:48

YANBU. Reception = piss up. It's not a place for kids after a certain time.

MusicalEndorphins · 08/02/2013 15:53

floppops You aren't being silly, you are nervous. A lot of parents would feel uncertainty as you do.

I do agree with the poster who said even if she won't go to bed, she will survive. A trial run with a mature babysitter, preferably one that she knows, may be a great idea.
Try and not worry, worse comes to worse, you put her to bed and leave as usual!

Original poster
floppops · 08/02/2013 15:59

A babysitter she knows would be good-but there isn't anyone that she does know already. The nursery staff at her nursery aren't allowed to do babysitting-stupid rule..and she hasn't had a baby sitter before. The weddings in 5 weeks so not much time and also I know I'm being tight but I don't want to spend too much on multiple babysitting evenings before the wedding as we are spending all our money on paying for the wedding anyway.
TBH I'm not that botherd about putting her to bed myself and going on to the reception. Should only take me 45 mins and then I can relax knowing she's asleep.

OP posts:
redexpat · 08/02/2013 16:18

Sounds like a good plan to me.

maninawomansworld · 12/02/2013 10:02

Bovverbird harsh & unnecessary.

No, about right I think. Maybe could have put it a little more nicely but essentially correct.
I'm not sure I'd be the one leaving my own wedding to put her to bed to be honest - can't a friend or family member take care of that one for you so you can get on with enjoying yourself?

Cat98 · 12/02/2013 10:06

YANBU at all.
(I rarely left ds either btw, don't think there's anything wrong with that!)

SamanthaStormer · 12/02/2013 11:10

bovverbird might haave put it a bit too bluntly, but has a bit of a point. OK, fair enough, you're the one to put her to bed so far and you haven't let anyone else do it.
However, you can't carry on like that - as someone said, what happens if you're ill or can't do it for any reason?
Or, like now, if you're getting married?!
As much as it's nice you've put her to bed so far, you need other people to do it sometimes like your soon to be DH or whatever so she's not used to mummy always doing it if something unexpected arises.
I'm sure your DD will cope one single night. Would you really want to leave your own wedding just to put your child to bed? That'd be leaving for a while and YOU'RE the bride!
Bit strange IMO.
Can't someone else do it, like a relative? Your dd will be fine. It's only one special night after all. She won't expire because you're not there.

cory · 12/02/2013 12:29

What we did- and I know this wouldn't suit everybody- was to hire two babysitters to come to the wedding and have an area set aside with colouring in books and blankets and story books.

That way, any attending children (think there were about 5 or 6 under 5's) could join the party for as long as they wanted, be close to their parents if they wanted them, but could be bedded down and have quiet time when they'd had enough.

Have beautiful photo of 3yo nephew dancing in the arms of one of the babysitters- even more enjoyable now that he's a big burly 23yo with his own building firm! Grin

KingPhilsWench · 12/02/2013 12:46

My daughter had just turned 3 when we married, we arranged if she got tired that shed go home with my parents. She stayed till 11 when everyone else left, she was having such a good time dancing and talking to people it would have felt cruel to Make her go home. But our wedding wasn't about me and hubby to us it was the three of us as a family unit but everyone sees weddings differently.
If you want a relaxed evening without worrying about your child whilst you celevrate your marriage then no yanbu

MrsMelons · 12/02/2013 12:49

We didn't have our DCs at our reception (3 yrs and 18 months) We hired a baby sitter who put them to bed in my mum/dads hotel room then mum and dad slept in there with them after it all finished.

I do agree with Bowerbird but it was a bit harshly put. Its actually for the DCs own good for you to not allow them to be so clingy to one person. i think you are being quite unfair to her and her dad TBH. maybe you could pop out at bed time a few times so her dad can put her to bed (she probably won't scream if you're not actually there).

I find it quite hard to believe there is no one that could babysit a 3 yo - surely someone must have an older teenage daughter or friend/sister that could come and babysit once before the wedding (whilst you are not there at bed time).

I do think it may be a bit late to sort it all out now but it is a shame you will have to leave your wedding to put her to bed.