to have thrown water over DS (10) as he would not get dressed this morning?

[StuckForAUserName]

We are late almost every day due to DSs having no interest in getting ready for school and it is an ongoing problem where I am severely stressed out every morning.

It got to 8.25 this morning (we need to leave by 8.30) and DS1 was still in underpants jumping on his brother and fighting him. He had been repeatedly told to get dressed and I warned him I would do it.

I picked up a small jug of cold water I had been using for the iron and chucked it at him. He was soaked and had to change pants. He had some splashes of water on his clean and laid out ready school uniform but I told him to put it on.

I now feel very guilty and hate that I did it but the only other option was a hard slap on the arse IMO. So am I a child abuser?

SwallowedAFly - maybe the triplets in your family have different characters to the OP's twins - I have heard that children can be different.

I personally wouldnt have done this - I admit its not the end of the world though.

My 8 year old can be like this to the point where some days I ahve to stand next to her handing her each bit of clothing. The key in my mind is strict supervision. I think probably the ironing needs to be done the day before, plus gettting all food clothes bags ready sp all you have to do in the morning is get them dressed. You can be all over it then and he wont have a chance to be late or tp spend time faffing about in his underwear.

I have all the children lined up with their clothes in the living room they are all dressed in a line (8 year old dd is only now starting to get dressed in her room but if she isnt done by the time the younger ones are dressed then i go and stand there until she is). It takes about 15 minutes to dress them all like that.

Lady Margotta, EXACTLY, keep them with you in the car until the time you should be arriving. Don't offload to pre school club.
OP, IMHO all boys at all ages pre 14 are rambunctious.
Another trick is to take them to the park, make them walk to school, go on bikes with a detour to burn off some energy. For a long time I looked a complete idiot, me, 5yo on tag along, all book bags, packed lunch and PE Kit on one side of handlebars, dog lead in other free hand and 7yo on scooter out in front.
There are solutions, get creative, always be one step ahead.
Refer back to 1. Do not negotiate with terrorists.

no i'm their aunt stuckfor but very closely involved in their lives. for a year i was the person who picked them up from school, walked them home, got them to do their homework, get changed, put clothes in washing machine and eat their dinner etc. so no i'm not their mum but yes i know what solo charge in peak busy times is like.

you know yourself with multiples organisation and staying on top of it is key. whether that's feeding babies or dealing with fights or trying to keep on top of toys and clutter. i found it easier than my sister to do the after school stuff and she was really grateful because no nanny or childminder had ever pulled it off in such a way that she came home to peace and organisation.

i found it a bit like a military operation - you will do this, then this and THEN you can have this. whose bag is still on the floor - why are you still in your uniform - where is your PE kit etc with nothing moving forward till the basics were sorted. and repeat! over and over. and eventually it really is just a given that they have to do x before y. one of them was and still is as dizzy as fuck and he needs nudging every step of the way. it's hard work! but it IS worth it if you want a smooth home life.

as miserable as it sounds you may have to be the military operation commander for a while - right we're up! now what have we got to do? breakfast. have you finished your breakfast? right what's next? teeth and hands and face please then you can have 20mins watching telly before you get dressed. right!! time! clothes on! get to it! come on, crack on and you'll still have ten minutes before we have to get shoes on and get out of here. you are the energy and the driving force and YOU are the boss - you can do it.

just try tomorrow - high energy - cheerful but assertive - mr motivator mode if needs be.

nothing slips. you notice everything and you chivvy, joke, put on voices, whatever it takes to be the centre of what is going on and the driver of how it happens.

it doesn't have to be shouting or being mean (i get that you don't want to be that parent) but you can command a room of kids without having to go there. if you believe you're the boss then tehy'll believe you too! i say that as someone who has taught teenagers in mega rough schools! honestly - you're the boss and if you believe it they really, really will do too.

you wake up tomorrow and you say right! this is a new day and we're going to do better at mornings from now on because i want us to be happy and smooth running and not arguing and fighting and doing each other's heads in. so, this is what we're going to do....

be it.

I'm sorry but I think it's funny my Dad did it to once when I was younger, I just wouldnt get out of bed I was being a lazy moo, shocked me at the time but by tea time that day we were laughing about it and it's a running joke in the family it's called getting a bed shower instead of a bed bath.

Don't panic the towns folk are not going to knock down your door with pitch forks.
But i would have a chat with him alone when he comes in from school explain what you did was wrong and that you are sorry and ask how he feels about it.

I wasn't worried about it happening again and I sure as hell wasn't scared of him because of it it's now 24 yeas later and is a funny family memory

My Dhs mum tells me that when he was a teenager she used to go in his room and actually drag his mattress off his bed (it was easier than dragging him off the mattress! He tells me he used to just go back to sleep on the floor. He can still be a lazy arse !

i agree with tinkerbelle about the after school chat btw. i'd point out - look! that is how mad you've driven me with this behaviour. that is how messed up our mornings have gotten and a clear sign of HOW MUCH we need to change them.

i'd use it as a full stop and evidence of the importance of changing things together to do it better.

You've talked till you're blue in the face, you say op

AT him, I'd imagine. Have you listened?

OP, what consequences are there for their bad behaviour?

Having never had boisterous children I can only sympathise. I doubt anyone could manhandle two ten-year-old boys up the stairs and physically dress them (unless perhaps they were 6ft 6 rugby players). I can't physically make DD do as I say - she's almost 12 and virtually as big as me.

What are the long-term consequences of them pratting about? For example, they're late for school - school does nothing. What sanctions might work at home? So, they lose all TV, X-box, computer privileges - would that make them think twice? Take fuse out if necessary and hide toolkit so they can't re-wire plugs or anything.

What about dull chores? Or writing an essay on why they must do as they're told? Are they sporty? Do they go to football or hang out with mates? Can you clamp down and ban that until behaviour improves?

i bet you they're bright. i bet they don't need dull punishments and will respond better to the idea that you are all a team and they're fucking it up for all of you and all of you have to work together better to make things work.

Yanbu. You showed him that you will not tolerate his disobedience and fucking around.

another example of people thinking it's ok to send a child out in nightwear...that is very humiliating and most kids would opt for a splash of water rather than that!

Or perhaps they might get ready when told to in future.

Will your DT go to secondary school next year ?
In which case OP they will be responsible for all their kit,books,organisation and getting there on time - on the bus ?

I would use this as an opportunity to get your DT to be more independent and make them take responsibility rather than you.
They are mucking about because you are taking the responsibility not them- you are getting stressed and they are not listening.
I would give them a stern talking to and inform them that they will be completely responsible for getting ready in the mornings.
Make them pack bags and lay out clothes the night before and check if they have done it.

Dont battle them -if they are late they will have to get to school under their own steam

Ooooh, also kids behaviour doesn't get easier as they got older, it just gets different.
Temper tantrums not dealt with at 2, turn into massive strops at 14 when DC is bigger than you.
Friends who were similarly strict with little kids havecharming young adults.
Those who erred on the softer side now have kidult gits who know well enough from experience that their parents will actually give in. Balance of power all wrong.
Deal with it sooner rather than later.

Again, I agree with you ResponsibleAdult. My girls were the usual difficult toddlers getting them up and dressed and into nursery school - but we persevered, and now they are 9 and 7, are very well behaved and go to school on time every day.

My ds is 4 and every morning refuses to get dressed and into school. But he has to go, even if I have to hold him down to get him dressed, and carry him under my arm into school. I find it hard, but he has to learn, and he will learn.

SwallowedAFly I was not impressed with your first few posts but I have warmed to you now. Thank you, your last few posts have very helpful.

I get so sick of the sound of my own voice I have resorted to making placards at one point with ' Get dressed please' and 'Now get your coat on' so I did not have to say the same thing again and again and again. Did not last long .

Yes, the poster who said that seeing me get wound up makes the DCs dig their heels in harder is correct. It has been this way for so long. I can remember being extremely stressed having a DH who worked nights and did not get back until late morning so I was up 20 million times a night with the twins as babies/toddlers on my own and then having to get up to get DD to school on time with one of them pooping or puking just as we needed to get out of the door, I can't remember ever being late with her though . I guess I am just in the habit of being stressed out about it.

I think the water thing was understandable as a one off and I am glad it worked-much less harmful than a smack and something you can laugh about one day.
I only once resorted to extreme measures with my ds.He went to the school I taught at so we travelled in the car together.I had to leave by 8.15 at the latest.He dillied and allied so much that one mornig I said,"Right stay there then and I'll ask your teacher to come and collect you."
He knew the teacher would do it for me and he was mortified-he finished dressing in the car that day and I only had to look at my watch and mutter Mr xxxxx [teacher's name] and he would get a move on.
I know you cant do that but you could tell the school what you are planning and leave him behind [go back for him of course].

'Temper tantrums not dealt with at 2, turn into massive strops at 14 when DC is bigger than you.
Friends who were similarly strict with little kids have charming young adults.'

Ye-ess. Maybe. DS was a pretty charming toddler and primary child, actually. Then things went belly up at 12, eased for a while last year and seem to be tough again now.

It's not defiance (at least not until I start to harry him), it's infuriating, dawdly, irresponsible slowness.

Yes, I'll think about dropping him off after walking to the primary school. That would mean he's either ready for 8:05 or has to wait till 8:50 for a lift/get his bike out and get there in a similar time but with less stuff.

Oblomov my ds who is six gets up at daft oclock to play minecraft. Then I need dynamite to get him off it to get ready, though he isn't too bad really once he starts moving.

When I am coaxing ds out of the door to the school he loves attending and we are going so slow we are overtaken by snails, I may be thinking cattle prod, but I am actually threatening him with tickles. I only have one, and he is a sweet lad, but he is six, and therefore his own person with his own ways. I keep the pressure up relentlessly but I make a huge joke and a giggle out of it all. I keep it light not for his sake but for mine, I don't have much sanity left and I owe it to myself to hang on to the last shreds while I can.

What consequences are there tonight for the delays this morning? I think that may be the key - and separate time outs. Good luck. I really understand how pressured you must have felt.

"I suppose I understand that if they didn't want to do it, there'd be a reason for that and I respect that."

Rooney, that's a bit irksome. Some children are just bloody minded and difficult. I have two who are eager to please and who get ready on time with everything packed and ready to go (I do all the night before stuff too, don't have the TV/computer on in the mornings etc etc etc) and one (a 10 yr old DS) who is simply difficult.

I have a 10 y old boy (SN, challenging in the mornings), two 8 y olds and a 12 y old. I've never thrown jugs of water over any of them, and I am Mrs Tough Love.

Two of them sometimes don't get dressed as quickly as they could. I use television as a bribe reward, so anyone who has finished their morning tasks (breakfast, dressing, teeth, packing bag) can watch television until it's time to leave for school.

Not unreasonable at all.