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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have thrown water over DS (10) as he would not get dressed this morning?

361 replies

StuckForAUserName · 08/02/2013 10:55

We are late almost every day due to DSs having no interest in getting ready for school and it is an ongoing problem where I am severely stressed out every morning.

It got to 8.25 this morning (we need to leave by 8.30) and DS1 was still in underpants jumping on his brother and fighting him. He had been repeatedly told to get dressed and I warned him I would do it.

I picked up a small jug of cold water I had been using for the iron and chucked it at him. He was soaked and had to change pants. He had some splashes of water on his clean and laid out ready school uniform but I told him to put it on.

I now feel very guilty and hate that I did it but the only other option was a hard slap on the arse IMO. So am I a child abuser?

OP posts:
Oblomov · 08/02/2013 12:20

"It's an attack. It's abusive"
Hmm
No. I disagree.

CaseyShraeger · 08/02/2013 12:22

Rooney I think your big difference is that your DCs' primary school does have consequences for the children for being late. When they know that if they are late nothing whatsoever will come of it at school even down to no one looking even a bit cross it's harder to motivate them.

valiumredhead · 08/02/2013 12:22

They seem to feed of each other's hyperness!

Divide and conquer as suggested up thread.

MrsDeVere · 08/02/2013 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/02/2013 12:22

Pagwatch is very wise - her first post on this thread said it all, for me.

Most of us have done something that we have regretted later - that is perfectly normal, imo. What matters is how StuckForAUserName handles it now.

On other threads from mumsnetters with similar problems getting their children to get ready for school in the morning, people have told the child that, if they don't get ready in time, they will be going to school in their pj's - and have followed through if neccessary. I think that this, allied to the things that Pagwatch suggested, and the regular warnings (30 minutes til we have to leave, 20 minutes etc etc), could help you, OP.

And don't beat yourself up too much. What you did may not have been the best way to deal with the situation, but you are only human, and it is bloddy stressful doing the school run. I would apologise to him for the water throwing, explain why you were so frustrated with the situation and his behaviour, and then talk with him about how things can change in the future.

LadyMargolotta · 08/02/2013 12:23

Even if there is no before school child care, I like ResponsibleADults idea of sitting and waiting in the car until it is open.

OP - if you are up with a toddler at 6am anyway, I really would get your twin boys up and out of the house by 7am.

It is possible to walk to school?

hellsbellsmelons · 08/02/2013 12:23

No YANBU!!!!
It was water. Stop beating yourself up about it.
As parents we often do things as a knee jerk reaction. It's life!!!
But.... I would set all the clocks at a different time while they are in bed. Give yourself that extra 20-30 minutes.
I do it for myself in my own house.
I've thrown water on exH in the past to wake him up and get him out of bed.

instantfamily · 08/02/2013 12:23

I second the suggestion to put them in separate rooms, then. Have you tried, OP?

swallowedAfly · 08/02/2013 12:24

pfft we've got triplets in our family. their mother hasn't used it as an excuse for having no respect from or responsibility for the behaviour of them.

Original poster
StuckForAUserName · 08/02/2013 12:25

And I was abused as a child. Never, ever late for school though as I was desperate to leave the house. Never taken to school after age 7 either.

So, yes I am pretty soft, find it hard to stick to my guns and all that as I don't WANT my DCs to ever feel like me that is why I judge myself constantly, have enormous guilt issues and wanted others pov.

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 08/02/2013 12:25

I would put this child in the car in his underpants and take him to school in them.

Don't' blame you for the water though, in a fit of exasperation I might have done the same!

MrsDeVere · 08/02/2013 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorriedTeenMum · 08/02/2013 12:27

When mine were at Primary I found the threat of 'if you arent dressed then you will go as you are' quite effective especially as I was quite capable of carrying out the threat!

On the whole, preparation the night before helps a lot. Fewer distractions in the morning and (thinking of lancelottie) constant nagging through breakfast helps with dreamy DS (14).

Also helps that I have a parade ground voice. I bellow up the stairs and three streets away children find themselves inexplicably launched from their beds!

swallowedAfly · 08/02/2013 12:27

but stuck it can be nearly as damaging to a child's long term wellbeing and coping skills in life to be too passive and not instill self discipline etc as it can to be too much so.

honestly boundaries, clear limits, knowing where the line is and the security of knowing that line will be maintained is GOOD for kids.

Original poster
StuckForAUserName · 08/02/2013 12:27

SwallowedAfly are you the mother of these triplets?

OP posts:
Fakebook · 08/02/2013 12:27

Wrong wrong wrong! Stupid thing to, and it shows you've lost control of the situation.

It eems like you've desensitised your children to your anger and they play up on purpose, because you getting angry isn't a big deal anymore.

I'd use the half term as a clean slate. Stop shouting at them for a start. You need to show them you're in control. If you do feel anger, just count to ten. Give three warnings and then follow through threat calmly.

I may be talking crap, as I only have a 5 year old and 1 year old, but from experience, my mum only ever shouted when we really really pushed the boundaries and it was something that scared me shitless because she would never lose it like that. That gave me an incentive to not upset her because a happy mum was nicer than an angry mum.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 08/02/2013 12:28

Yo have my sympathise op in how challenging it can be to get children to listen.

I have dses of 10 and 8, they can do that thing of talking or playing amongst themselves and completely ignoring me, even if I'm stood next to themHmm Drives me to distraction, and I can only imagine it must be 10 times worse with twins!

The only suggesting I have is as others have said, split them up! One in one room, one in the other, don't come out until ready. No computer after school if they don't get ready by x time would work with mine....

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 08/02/2013 12:29

Exactly what MrsDeVere said - you can't compare treating a child with how you'd treat your partner.

Plus how is throwing a bit of water over someone abuse? If my DH did that to me, I'd either be pissed off or amused (depending on my mood) but neither reaction would have me ringing the abuse helplines.

instantfamily · 08/02/2013 12:29

Looks like you are not doing anyone a favour by being soft, though, Stuck.

swallowedAfly · 08/02/2013 12:30

i'm not saying your children are abused btw! just saying they lack boundaries and respect and that you are doing yourself no favours in being ineffective to the point of desperation.

you can take charge and be the boss in your home without turning into a bully or being like your own abusive parents - honestly! i can be quite strict but it's reasonable and fair and about a relationship of respect and cooperation - being on the same team. my mother was just a nasty, fucking bully! it wasn't reasonable, it wasn't consistent and it was nothing to do with a relationship and cooperation.

it really, really isn't a question of being abusive or being a doormat. maybe that's something you need to explore and look at x

ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 08/02/2013 12:30

You may have boisterous twins, it may be harder, but you have still forgotten who is in charge.

Sokmonsta · 08/02/2013 12:31

While I think you lost your temper been there myself so not hoicking judgy pants your Ds may realise now that when you say something, you mean it.

Dd learnt that when I made her put one of her toys in the bin for repeated misbehaviour with it and warnings.

Maybe next time tell him he's going in whatever he is, or isn't, wearing. As long as he's got it to put on when he gets to school if he really does make you follow through, I doubt it's an experience he will want to repeat.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/02/2013 12:32

Sorry - have just reread, and I missed the bit where you said you didn't think taking them to school in their pjs would be an option for you, so you need to find a different sanction.

MolehillAlchemy · 08/02/2013 12:32

OP - the threat of a bucket of water over me was a standard threat when I was a teenager. I struggled every morning to actually wake up, and my mother resorted to this threat pretty much every day. Occasionally she got as far as bringing the bucket through the bedroom door, and would start flicking it on my face.

I'm sure she could have been more imaginative with her negotiations, but I'm not sure I would have taken any notice!

It was water, I understood the threat, it was totally non-harmful, would have been shocking (cold), and inconvenient (wet bedding), and probably quite funny if she had actually followed through. I don't feel abused at all, and have even employed the water-pistol technique with my own children (who thought it was hilarious, and would sometimes misbehave just so they could get squirted!).

instantfamily · 08/02/2013 12:34

ahem, I do have triplets, OP. and I find we don't get out of the house earlier or later whether I shout or not. I do shout. often, unfortunately. But every once in a while I resolve not to and it makes the mornings better.