to have thrown water over DS (10) as he would not get dressed this morning?

[StuckForAUserName]

We are late almost every day due to DSs having no interest in getting ready for school and it is an ongoing problem where I am severely stressed out every morning.

It got to 8.25 this morning (we need to leave by 8.30) and DS1 was still in underpants jumping on his brother and fighting him. He had been repeatedly told to get dressed and I warned him I would do it.

I picked up a small jug of cold water I had been using for the iron and chucked it at him. He was soaked and had to change pants. He had some splashes of water on his clean and laid out ready school uniform but I told him to put it on.

I now feel very guilty and hate that I did it but the only other option was a hard slap on the arse IMO. So am I a child abuser?

[Whoknowswhocares]

Rooney.....my kids were always happy to go to school and never late. I was offering advice on a more general 'what to do when they misbehave'
Unless of course your children have never been disobedient about anything which even if you stated I'd struggle to believe

[MrsMushroom]

Rooney it is doubtful that you do anything differently...children are individuals and some, like yours will be happy to get ready. Others, like the OPs will not.

[Rooneyisalwaysmoaning]

No of course I wouldn't state that, it would be totally untrue.

[appletarts]

It feels wrong because it was.

Agree with above, it's abusive.

[Rooneyisalwaysmoaning]

Maybe you are right MrsMushroom.

[WilsonFrickett]

Separate them. One in your room, one in another (boring) room. They're clearly winding each other up and encouraging each other to muck about so divide and conquer.

I'm totally not judging you for the water btw - I hate the morning stress and I only have one - but shouting doesn't work, you only end up escalating your own behaviour (as happened today) so you need to find a better way forward.

How to talk so children will listen is often recommended on here?

[swallowedAfly]

i don't think rooney necessarily has 'unusual' children!

i find the idea of a child ignoring you and you feeling powerless (besides resorting to crazy behaviour at the last minute) to get them to do the most basic things unusual personally.

if i couldn't even get my child to get dressed of a morning i'd be looking at the bigger picture of what the hell was going on.

[valiumredhead]

Agree with above, it's abusive

It isn't, but it's ineffective, unnecessary and inappropriate.

[swallowedAfly]

in terms of practical advice if things really have gotten this ridiculous at home and you can't deal with it - enlist the help of their teachers. point out what's going on and ask them to collaborate with you in punishing them at school for being late and let their behaviour lead to them being late a couple of times.

this only works if they have a bit more respect for school than home obviously.

[appletarts]

It's an attack. It's abusive.

[valiumredhead]

if i couldn't even get my child to get dressed of a morning i'd be looking at the bigger picture of what the hell was going on

that's a really good point

[ResponsibleAdult]

OP, just for clarity I have a 14yo and an 11yo, both have to ready to leave the house at 7.25am.

1. Do not negotiate with terrorists
   
2. Have everything prepared the night before, shoes out, bags packed, phone charged and now in pocket
   
3. Identify what slows you all down, then change it. We moved our toothbrushes down two floors.
   
4. If they don't respond try rewards: screen time; downloads etc and sanctions: withdraw above
   
5. If they are late let them get told off/ have detention
   
6. Finally, be wicked, set the clocks back, get them up early, take them to school "on time" then make them wait outside for an hour. V boring waste of time, rather like you losing your rag every morning. They can watch all the other kids who get their arses into school on time, might even see some friends and want to get in early (my neighbours boys did that with mates for extra football before school, even in the deep mid winter)
   
7. Repeat stage 1-6 if they do it again.
   

Once drove DD to Scouts. She got lippy in the back of the car. Asked her not to speak to me in that tone. She did it again. We got to Scouts, she asked for the first and ONLY TIME, what was I going to do about it, while she waved at one of her friends.
I child locked the doors, wound down window, said in loud voice within earshot of a number of other kids, to aforementioned friend."DD will not be coming this evening because she was rude to her Mum". Turned the car in exaggerated noisy uuey, went home.', no milk and biscuits, straight to bed. No discussion, no rant, no shouting,no pleading,nothing. "Go to bed now, I am too cross to talk to you" hand on hip, extended arm, pointy gesture. See point 1.
Never happened again because she was so embarrassed.
ALWAYS make it clear you are more stubborn than your children
NEVER do anything you wouldn't think reasonable if done to you, water a case in point, I think.

[MadderHat]

One option a friend did was to have treat timers with 5 minute cards on a velcro strip on the wall, one for each child (it's a blended family and there are 5 children). Also were clear clocks around the house and clear timetables for what needed to be done when. The littler children had extra help and there was plenty of time for each task which were things like get out of bed, get dressed, brush teeth, put lunch in bag etc. She also had an alarm clock set to I think 10 minutes before it was time to go - i.e. rushing time.
Every time her children went past the time on their personal timetable for doing stuff (and she noticed) they lost a card from their strip. They could visually see themselves losing them. The treat timers covered computer, TV, Wii etc. They got reset each night. The older children were not allowed to be in the same room as the TV if the younger ones had TV time left and older ones didn't, so they didn't get treat-by-proxy (especially as they badgered channel choice). It only took a week of really strict enforcing for it to start to work well, but she still has it there because it also controls the screen time amount and they can earn extra time or lose time for bad behaviour.

[ReneandGeorgetteMagritte]

I don't understand posts like this really- it's like the parent forgets that they are the ones in charge.

OP you need to take control in a calmer way. What would your DS be upset at missing out on?

For us it was a getting out of bed in time issue, so for every minute that DS laid in bed when he should be getting up and ready, he went to bed 10 minutes earlier that night. It didn't take long and it just took one simple explanation that this was what would happen and then making sure it did. He changed his ways pretty quickly.

[VisualiseAHorse]

Mrs Jay - actually laughed out loud at you stabbing a blow up chair to death. Your kids faces must've been priceless!

[cherrycherry41]

a bit of h2o never hurt anyone!

[appletarts]

Consider this.... If this post involved a woman and partner and he had done this to her everyone would be saying red flag womens aid etc.

[LadyMargolotta]

ResponsibleAdult - Totally agree with you. We have tooth brushes upstairs as well as downstairs. And glad to see we have the same idea about taking them to school an hour early!

[splashymcsplash]

Reading this I am not sure what I think.

I had flu, single mum, no one else to ask, and I asked my mum to help with my baby (around a year old then), she refused even tugh she livesd less than an hour away. Being reminded of it still makes me hurt. I was so sick I could hardly stand up and just had to put dd in front of cbeebies all day as I could do nothing. Of course dd wasn't happy with this.

[Oblomov]

Am reading with interest because I have a 9 year old who gets up at the crack of dawn and is dressed, brushed teeth, had his own breakfast by the time I am opeining my eyes. But he then plays minecraft. So at the end the warnings escalate. 4 year old is like me and prefers to lie in till the last possible minute. saying that we all get up earlier rather than later. and I do give warnings, of 'right, 5 minutes boys', 'we are leaving now, lets go'. 'Right, I am startign to get a bit cross, lets go NOW !!'

[splashymcsplash]

Oops wrong thread

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Oh god, some people are going way OTT. Chucking a tiny amount of water over a 10 year old boy who won't get dressed in the morning is hardly an attack or abusive. Quite frankly, I think any one who has suffered real abuse would be a bit bloody insulted really........... fair enough, if this was a regular occurence and OP was chucking shit loads of water over her DC on a daily basis but as a one off?? If anyone says their kids never frustrate them and they havent at least relatiated even once, sorry, I dont believe it.

Seriously its no hanging offence!

[swallowedAfly]

honestly - back to basics. do your children respect you? if not, why not. what are you doing/being/saying or what is your relationship with your partner being/doing/saying that gives them the impression that you are just background noise to be ignored.

do you expect to be respected? do you feel like the adult in your home? if not why not and how can you sort that out?

have you sat down and discussed this with your children? have you pointed out that (in appropriate terms) they are taking the piss out of you and it's not acceptable and if it continues there will be consequences? what are the consequences of taking the piss out of you?

when they do this what are the consequences? when you say get ready and they ignore you what happens? do you take it down to absolute face to face basics of excuse me, i am talking to you and you are ignoring me and i will not have it! now you will go and do x. and what happens if you do? will they actually in your face ignore you? tell you to get lost? what?

there is zero point low level nagging in the background if they don't respect it. everything STOPS to address that they are ignoring you and that is not an option. everything STOPS until they do as they're told.

you have to have boundaries.

[StuckForAUserName]

Stay in bed after they've risen - ha. I have a 2 year old who is up no later than 6. They are very happy at school so much so that I did not move schools when we moved miles away when they were in year 3 and henceforth have to drive them. They want to go, they just can't be bothered to get ready and don't care about any consequences because they aren't any from the school's pov.

I think my problem may be unusual in that I have very rambunctious! twin boys who love to wrestle, fight and just talk about nonsense together rather than do anything they actually have to do. They seem to feed of each other's hyperness! One is being assessed for ADD. A single boy would have been easier to deal with but short of getting rid of one of the little blighters, I hold my hands up I must be abusive appletarts.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

and we couldn't take our kids to school an hour early anyway...for a start I don't get up early enough and also, school would not allow it :)