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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have thrown water over DS (10) as he would not get dressed this morning?

361 replies

StuckForAUserName · 08/02/2013 10:55

We are late almost every day due to DSs having no interest in getting ready for school and it is an ongoing problem where I am severely stressed out every morning.

It got to 8.25 this morning (we need to leave by 8.30) and DS1 was still in underpants jumping on his brother and fighting him. He had been repeatedly told to get dressed and I warned him I would do it.

I picked up a small jug of cold water I had been using for the iron and chucked it at him. He was soaked and had to change pants. He had some splashes of water on his clean and laid out ready school uniform but I told him to put it on.

I now feel very guilty and hate that I did it but the only other option was a hard slap on the arse IMO. So am I a child abuser?

OP posts:
OxfordBags · 09/02/2013 19:45

Lijkk, my world is neither saintly or Stepford. I am as flawed as the next person. I find it hard to believe I have to explain to other adults that being able to restrain myself from throwing water on a child doesn't make me some sort of superhuman Saint Hmm

Ntitled, I've struck the rawest nerve on here, it would seem, so I'm getting the flack. Whatever makes it easiest for people to not address questionable thinking about discipline and modelling behaviour, eh. But thanks for your comment.

zwischenzug · 09/02/2013 20:28

Don't worry about it, discipline is one of those subjects areas where other parents will get on their high horse and preach about how wrong you are if your view of it is different from their own.

He's hardly likely to be talking to a therapist in ten years time saying "and this one time, my mother threw a small amount of cold water on me".

FriendlyLadybird · 09/02/2013 20:56

I have offered to throw water over my DS (11) to get him out of bed in the morning. He always declines, but always gets up ... just in case!

I honestly don't think that throwing a small amount of water over a child is so bad, or in fact indicative of losing control. I speak as someone who was once dumped, fully clothed, into a bath by DH because ... well, I forget why but it was funny.

I use various different strategies to get my DCs to do what needs to be done. Quite a lot of the time I find humour and silliness work where sitting down and having a serious talk would not.

GotMyGoat · 09/02/2013 20:57

Once, my mothers partner asked my sister to do the dishes after dinner, she procrastinated and went to her room. I went to sleep, to be woken my my mothers partner storming into my room and dragging me downstairs demanding that i do the dishes and how dare i go to sleep. I kept saying that it was my sisters turn, that he had asked my sister but he wouldn't believe me and called me all sorts of horrid names, i screamed at him to stop it, standing there in my nighty, and he poured a kettle of water over me.

It is only luck that the kettle was luke warm and not boiling. I ran upstairs after that and didn't go back downstairs.

He apologised the next morning, but only because my mother made him, abd it was a "sorry, but you really wound me up" apology.

Reckon that's abusive, yours is not sounding so bad but still unacceptable.

Would you allow your ds to throw water over you?

GotMyGoat · 09/02/2013 20:58

I will be in therapy about mine, i think! Sorry op, i'm in a funny mood tonight.

swallowedAfly · 09/02/2013 21:30

omg goat. any man did that to my child and he would be nowhere near us ever again.

swallowedAfly · 09/02/2013 21:33

mind you i have to say if anyone threw a jug of water over my son in any context other than a water fight or some other giggly, fun context they'd never be near him again.

i do wonder how all the people saying, oh it's fine, ha ha would react to someone other than themselves throwing a jug of water over their child as a response to not doing as they were told?

NTitled · 09/02/2013 22:46

Agree with those who say it's not the end of the world to lose patience with a child who's being infuriating. But the OP's attitude to some of the responses on here (esp. OxfordBags) suggests that this is - possibly for understandable reasons - a modus vivendi rather than a one-off. I did have some sympathy with her frustration (though not with the way she expressed it to her child). But I do find it annoying when people are told that they are being preachy and sanctimonious because they believe that there are better ways to discipline children than smacking and pouring water over them. (I have three, btw, one of whom would try anyone's patience - though I have yet to chuck a jug of water over him).

socharlottet · 10/02/2013 12:09

I suggest that those people who think it's not abusive and not assault, try doing the same thing to someone in the street and see how long before the police come knocking

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 10/02/2013 12:23

Yes, because chucking water over a stranger in the street is JUST the same as pouring a tiny bit of water over your child AFTER having warned him.... Hmm

thegreylady · 10/02/2013 12:23

A small jug she had been nursing to fill the iron a splash of cold water verging on a joke. I am as far from being an abusive parent as you can get but I remember sprinkling water on a teenage ds because he wouldn't get up. It doesn't hurt, it doesn't humiliate, it doesn't frighten. It wasn't a bloody bucket or a hot kettle. In my opinion it wasn't even slightly wrong. Her ds isn't a baby or a toddler.

Lilka · 10/02/2013 12:24

Don't be so ridiculous socharlottet

Next time you consider confiscating one of your child's toys just you think about what would would happen if you went up to a stranger in the street and took away their phone. See how long before the police come knocking

CalamityKate · 10/02/2013 12:31

I was like this as a child. My (incredibly soft hearted, indulgent) mum was forever threatening to chuck water over me to get me out of bed. I was a lazy little git and we were always late.

She should have done; she'd only have had to do it once.

lljkk · 10/02/2013 12:37

Maybe the world would be a better place if I had the authority to tell strangers on the street...
when to go to bed
what to eat
what to do with their time
who to socialise with
what to wear
when they could go online
where they could work or study...

That's it, I should be declared Empress. I'd soon sort them out.

thegreylady · 10/02/2013 12:59

By the way me throwing a small amount of water on my child to make him get up is not the same as "anyone throwing water on my child wouldn't come near him again" .
It is just silly to say it is. I think op sounds like a very caring and restrained mother. I bet none of the bosom hoikers have recalcitrant 10 year old twins.

minkembra · 10/02/2013 13:00

I too have twins who are highly distractable in the mornings.

At the moment we have a reward ladder for getting ready. but i can see it will only work for a while before novelty wears off.
I try to have a motivations chat with them the night before..i.e. if you get ready early you will get further up the ladder, you will be really helping me out and you might have time for telly etc.

No punishment at school and i cannot just let them be late. there may be no sanctions at school but there are at my work.

Separating them and removing all distractions helps but as an LP with a job, my self to get ready and two kids to stand over it can be a bit much.

Getting up earlier helps a bit but the candle is already seriously burnt at both ends so much earlier is not an option.

Don't always cover myself in glory. and often feel extremely stressed. nothing seems to work for more than a few weeks.

So if you do find something that works for all of you and doesn't leave you with minor misgivings about whether you have done the right thing then please let me know!!

Dryjuice25 · 10/02/2013 13:33

Oxford bags usually gives really good adviceand I believe her advice is coming from a good place and well meant although rather blant. And the op seems like very restrained mum who doesn't chuck cold water at her son EVERYDAY. But I disagree that people should go back into their boxes for voicing an opinion on a public forum which I believe defeats the point of the thread.

Op I think the msg to your son was loud and clear and hopeful you won't feel the need to chuck water at him and lessons have been learnt. You sound like a sensible mum and parenting is hard and we learn by trial and error. I also doubt this was a permanently damaging one-off for your son. Good luck

NTitled · 10/02/2013 17:02

" I bet none of the bosom hoikers have recalcitrant 10 year old twins."

I haven't got any bosom to hoik, but I have got a recalcitrant 10 yr old DS with Aspergers, who is harder work and infinitely more frustrating than my other two children. So yes, I do know how it feels.

ThreeBeeOneGee · 10/02/2013 17:59

Yep, same here, ten y old with Asperger's and ADHD. And I have twins. Although I don't think I was too judgy about the water thing.

OxfordBags · 10/02/2013 19:01

I am blunt, Dryjuice, I'll give you that Grin I'm a Yorkshire Lass, can't help it.

Bearbehind · 10/02/2013 19:10

Oxford, I do think you talk a lot of sense but some of your analogies which compare children to adults/ work colleagues makes me wonder why you didn't answer the OP's question about how many children you have. Do you have children or not? Are you speaking from experience or ideology?

allwaysthebaddie · 10/02/2013 20:27

Reading this made me chuckle! I too was a massive wind up in the morning, my dad worked nights so mum was allways trying to keep us quiet and get ready

I had just started secondary school and wouldnt get up, even though you could see school from my window, I was late every day!

One morning mum came in to my room and asked me ONCE to get up, i didnt even acknowledge her..next thing I heard my dad get up. When you heard that stomp on the floor, you were in for it!

He dragged me out of bed by my feet ( giving me carpet burn on my elbow) and threw me in the shower whilst turning it on. (with my flintstones nighty still on!)

MY mum and 2 younger brothers watched in stunned silence but I can honestly say I all ways got up when she shouted me after that AND I never seen it as abuse. I just seen it as i'd really pissed my mum off and she went and got my dad!

By the way i idolised my dad he was lovely -he just sick and tired of me taking piss out of my mum.

Op a bit of water wont harm them .

OxfordBags · 10/02/2013 23:13

Bearbehind, I am a mother. I don't feel behoven to answer people being offensive to me. If my comments hit a nerve, the OP should look at that, not single me out as the villain on this thread.

I believe that children should be afforded the same respect as adults, if not more, as they are automatically in a vulnerable and dependent state in regards to adults. I do believe that if you wouldn't do something to other adults who wind you up, then you shouldn't do it to your kids. In fact, you especially shouldn't do it to your kids, because they are much more important than some annoying adult.

I am actually a really impatient, bad-tempered person and I work constantly on not mothering in that way. People here have accused me of being Stepford or whatever, which is hilarious, if you knew me. I just live by the philosophy that adults need to suck it up when things are going to shit or driving them mad, not take it out on the kids, because we're the ones who can handle that, not them.

OxfordBags · 10/02/2013 23:14

PS Everyone can ask questions but it doesn't mean they get it answered the way they want (or at all) Wink

socharlottet · 11/02/2013 08:51

'He dragged me out of bed by my feet ( giving me carpet burn on my elbow) and threw me in the shower whilst turning it on. (with my flintstones nighty still on!).... AND I never seen it as abuse'

That is so Sad It sounds like you were conditioned to believe that to was acceptable to be treated like that.

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