to have thrown water over DS (10) as he would not get dressed this morning?

[StuckForAUserName]

We are late almost every day due to DSs having no interest in getting ready for school and it is an ongoing problem where I am severely stressed out every morning.

It got to 8.25 this morning (we need to leave by 8.30) and DS1 was still in underpants jumping on his brother and fighting him. He had been repeatedly told to get dressed and I warned him I would do it.

I picked up a small jug of cold water I had been using for the iron and chucked it at him. He was soaked and had to change pants. He had some splashes of water on his clean and laid out ready school uniform but I told him to put it on.

I now feel very guilty and hate that I did it but the only other option was a hard slap on the arse IMO. So am I a child abuser?

I don't recall mentioning social services Fut.

I do find it bizarre though that someone in your position wouldn't offer constructive advice instead of just laughing.

I never mentioned abuse either.

Half of threads these days are taken up by people having to explain what they didn't say.

serial water abuser lol
Personally I only flick water on ds when I'm playing with him but I don't think you were being unreasonable or abusive.
I hated mornings when I was a child (and still do). I remember my dad flicking water on me to get me up one morning. I thought it was quite funny - a bit like a water fight (I much preferred it to his other technique of wiggling my ear when I was trying to go back to sleep!)

i'm another who specifically said i didn't feel the OP was an abuser but i am apparently in the high horse looking down brigade it seems.

honestly not very high up - far far far from perfect but i would consider losing control of my home and myself to such an extent that i threw water over my child as a means to get them to get dressed to be a very bad sign. i'd seriously have to have lost the plot to the degree of needing to see a doctor to do that.

The Op didn't lose the plot or her rag.

She took a controlled and considered decision.

I'm getting a lot of flack on here, but I haven't said it was child abuse. Ironic that the people saying others are getting on their high horse and crying abuse are... getting on their high horse to overexaggerate what people who don't condone the OP's actions are saying. Fucking Pegasus is needed here!

Saying something was crappy parenting in that moment is not the same as crying abuse. Same as there are not only 2 options to chivvy a kid into getting ready: smacking or throwing water over them! Some people are worryingly unable to see or understand nuances and insistent on making 2+2=5 (I dunno if I'm being too ancient with that particular saying).

I am impatient and a right bad-tempered old cow, but I wouldn't throw water on or smack a coworker who was pissing me about making me late to go home, or do that to some twat farting about in front of me at the checkout, or to DH if he was driving me nuts. So I especially wouldn't do it to someone more vulnerable than me, dependent on me and who can only take a negative message from it.

Incidents like this are bad (not hugely, I must add for the 'if you suggest anything negative you are crying abuse' brigade) because they do not happen in isolation. You do this sort of thing once, you've given yourself permission to lower your standards and get that little kick that you won't admit to from the power you felt in the moment of throwing that water. And so you end up doing a series of minor crappy things that culminate in an overall picture of pretty across-board crappy parenting. It's the big picture, the long game. Parenting is not about getting what you want from the child in that specific, isolated moment no matter what it takes, it is all about the bigger picture and the long game. Things like chucking water or smacking do not work not only because they are cruel (again, not cruel like Rose West cruel. Sigh) and because you can't expect to change bad behaviour by being badly behaved yourself, it's because they do not teach the child how to behave better, they do not offer the child solutions about making better choices for themself. Oh yes, they might behave better after a while, out of a sullen, resentful wariness to avoid undesirable treatment, but that's not genuine good behaviour and it can affect how they treat others and react themselves, not just as kids, but for the rest of their lives. Or they might just behave better eventually because they matured and no thanks to the smacking or water throwing.

I'm not saying this single incident will and can do all that, I'm saying that repeated incidents of this ilk can do. That's been my point all along.

Personally I think you talk a lot of sense Oxford.

Thank you, CarriedAway (the tenner's in the post ).

OxfordBags I repeat how many DCs do you have, sexes and ages.

If you only have one and they are under 5, your opinion means nothing and when you have experienced the realities of parenting 4 children you may have the right to judge me rather than spout a load of shit on the internet. How DO you discipline your DC/s, would you do the same to your DH/colleague. What a load of bollocks. Do not compare young children to adults who can be reasoned with.

And no SOME 10 year olds can't be reasoned with. I was having a wobble this morning as I am in therapy for my own childhood abuse and really should not have posted instead of trusting myself that my momentary lapse would not have any significant impact on my DC.

I bid you goodnight.

I appreciate what Oxford is saying. Yet I'm not convinced you can or should always treat your children like adults. I am open to debate on it but my sense is that sometimes they are out of line and need to be brought up short on it. This isn't always possible through constructive dialogue.

i agree with oxford bags.

I find it hard to get upset at being told my opinion counts for nothing by someone who would throw water over a child. I said earlier and I repeat: responses like the one you've just given me just prove that you are someone who chooses not to control their temper and expects others to just fall in line with them. I do not have four children over 10. However, you asked on AIBU if you thought your actions were reasonable. If you discredit the opinions of anyone whose family set-up is not v simialr to yors, you should have specified that in the OP.

I'm not comparing children to adults who can be reasoned with. I'm comparing how YOU choose to react to adults Vs children in regards to lowering yourself to behaviour like throwing water. It does not cover you in glory to do something to a child purely because they are a child and you can get away with it.

I'm very sorry to hear that you were abused as a child. Again, I repeat that I do not think what you did was abuse, just not a great choice in that moment. If you had said in the OP that you were having a wobbly because of some difficult issues of your own at the moment (you needn't have mentioned the abuse) then it would have affected what I have written to you and probably what others have said. I do however stand by my belief that it was unacceptable. Having a wibble because of deep personal things overwhelming you and being emotionally fine and randomly chucking water over a child because you feel like venting your temper are different matters. Doesn't make it great, but it does alter things slightly. IMHO, anyway.

Some smashing typos there, I do apologise.

I live in a world where adults behave like emotional and immature prats all the time. Daily, frequently. In work places in the street in education down the pub. That's why some end up in prison and others are the subject of long and amusing threads on MN. Some of them even manage to laugh at themselves about their own defects. Most of them find most of it forgivable.

It must be very strange to live in a world of perfect Stepford personalities saints.

I feel your pain, OP. Much of the time I can only be sure of DC getting ready if I Stand Over Them, as you put it, sometimes for every step of the morning routine.

I haven't read all 10 pages of posts but can't deny I'm a little shocked that you felt that throwing water at your child was the best option here. And I think you're right to feel a bit bad about it. Doesn't really sound like a mother in control of a situation and can't imagine it helped getting them out the door.

I don't have a 10 year old...my oldest is 4 and maybe in a few years time I may be faced with similar situations...but I just can't imagine being in a situation where I'd throw water at him! Shout maybe, walk out the door without him as a threat maybe, but throw water at him? Errr, no. Sorry! But it just sounds like one of those moments where mum lost control...not the end of the world. Just move on and try and think of a better way to handle it next time.

Oh for goodness sake, the OP never said she felt throwing water was the best option!
She lost her cool a bit, stated in the VERY FIRST POST that she feels guilty and shouldn't have done it and asked for advice
How is it helpful to keep screeching at her how very,very inadequate she is?

whose screeching? i think if a poster gets pulled apart, insulted and misinterpreted they have a right to defend themselves and explain their point. that's all that seems to have happened.

Yeah ok, perhaps not well phrased when I said "best option". I was smiling as I typed it in a vaguely amused kind of way but reading it back it doesn't come across like that so apols if it sounds harsh.

But, her question was "am I a child abuser?"...not asking for advice...? Clearly she's not a child abuser but she did lose control of a situlation...as I have done many many times. I'm not trying to make her feel inadequate. I agreed that she's right to feel a bit bad but it's not the end of the world. Move on.

I have a 10 yro DS and he is pretty good at getting dressed, my 6 yro DD on the other hand is a nightmare. I have never known someone to fart arse around as much as her. Takes at least 15-20 minutes to get her to get dressed as she has to dance/play with toys inbetween putting her blimmin clothes on

No op I don't think you are an abuser for chucking water over your ds

Not sure why people are getting at Oxford, and why the OP has gone sweary on her. She (Oxford) talks a lot of sense.

When I was a lazy teen my Ma had three stages of 'get out of bed right now'

1. Tug my covers away
2. Open the window wide (if winter and cold outside)
3. Get a water gun and squirt me

It was absolutely hilarious to me. If she wasn't stressed out she sometimes laughed while filling the gun and shouting '5 seconds....4....'

I think it was not only funny, but completely ideal as well. It wasn't a punishment in any way, it got me out of bed as the warm and comfortable factor was gone, didn't do me any harm just made me a bit wet.

I have 2 kids at home and 1. and 2. work wonders at getting DS (nearly 8) out of bed. I have a ban on water guns because DC + water gun = complete ungodly hell But now it's been mentionned, a cup of water dribbled on to him slowly would work just as well as opening the windows if not actually be better

OP - Losing it isn't ideal, but I've lost it sometimes, and whilst it feels awful, this isn't going to leave a permanent mark. I wonder if your feeling bad is more to do with losing control than using water as a 'consequence'. It certainly wasn't abusive, MrsDV is right, calling it abuse is wrong and minimises real abuse. Perhaps try some of the ideas some other people suggested to see if anything changes. I sympathise

"Oh for goodness sake, the OP never said she felt throwing water was the best option!"

Yes she did.

To paraphrase, she said she had two options

1. Throwing water

2. Smacking

She thought throwing the water was better than smacking. Thereby making the throwing of the water the best option.