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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with this couple

228 replies

Ponderingonaquandry · 07/02/2013 13:42

Hope I don't out myself here, going to have to be vague!

I know (I won't say friends as that's over egging it a bit) a couple who have a young, school age, family. Neither parent works, fine, job market is utterly shit at the moment so totally understandable. Both are complaining they are broke and will be more so when the benefit reforms come in and how unfair it is on them. So my dp comes up with a good solution to solve their problems and his workload, he offers the dad a job, reasonable pay, not great, but a foot on the ladder, and helps both parties out. So we were a bit shocked when the dad turns it down saying he's needed at home 'in case of an emergency'. My jaw hit the floor.

Neither parent has a disability nor do the children.

Thankfully my brother had a friend in a similar situation who snapped the job up so dp's stress levels are alleviated a bit, but still. Not the point.

AIBU to be annoyed with them over this?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 07/02/2013 17:44

You're very determined not to answer my question earlier, aren't you?

earlierintheweek · 07/02/2013 17:45

It depends on the circumstances Whereyouleftit. In the circumstances on this thread, I would tell a social lie rather than go into my private mental and physical health issues to someone who has no need to know - it's none of their business.

If it was a partner or someone I had a close relationship with then that would be different if they were lying about cheating or something, but this is different, this is someone the OP hardly knows.

countrykitten · 07/02/2013 17:45

Looking on the bright side - the upshot is that someone who wanted and needed a job and is prepared to work was appointed. Result. I also think that maybe the OP and her DH had a lucky escape as the person in question could well turn out to be hard work as begonia pointed out.

So all's well that ends well.

earlierintheweek · 07/02/2013 17:46

I think I have answered your question whereyouleftit.

Why would you think my private mental and physical health issues are any of your business in that circumstance?

Booyhoo · 07/02/2013 17:46

do you just not answer then WYLI?

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/02/2013 17:47

Sigh. I am not asking about your mental or physical health. I am asking how you would feel about being lied to. Your determination to not answer suggests to me that you would feel annoyed, just as the OP was.

countrykitten · 07/02/2013 17:51

This whole thread feels a little bit 'sigh' at the moment...entertaining reading but amazing to think that some posters believe the stuff that they are posting!

Booyhoo · 07/02/2013 17:51

but i have told you i wouldn't give a shite, doesn't that prove that not everyone would care or does my answer not count because it's the wrong one?

Writehand · 07/02/2013 17:52

As someone who has really suffered because of outsiders projecting misguided beliefs about my family dynamic I would like to say, very strongly indeed, that making snap judgements about people whose family structure you do not and cannot know is a hugely unkind and unhelpful thing to do.

I had a woman come up to me at my own party last weekend and tell me that my kids and their friends have no respect for me or my property. I was utterly gobsmacked. When challenged, she couldn't provide any concrete examples of what she alleged. The kids were very concerned and hurt.

The relationships I have with my DSs and their large, mostly male, social group are among the most proud achievements of my life. I am respected. My home is a safe place for more than my own kids (it's a long story).

I cannot for the life of me understand how anyone, including you, OP, feels they have the authority to decide they know how other people's lives should work.

N.B. Am inclined to start a thread on this topic. Anyone think it's a good idea? The party incident was a totally shit thing to happen and I keep thinking about it. It's the arrogance that floors me.

earlierintheweek · 07/02/2013 17:52

I have answered?

And don't you see that in the circumstances of this op that it is none of the OP'
s business what reason or non-reason the man gives?

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/02/2013 17:57

No, earlier, you haven't.

earlierintheweek · 07/02/2013 17:59

earlierintheweek Thu 07-Feb-13 17:45:14
It depends on the circumstances Whereyouleftit. In the circumstances on this thread, I would tell a social lie rather than go into my private mental and physical health issues to someone who has no need to know - it's none of their business.

If it was a partner or someone I had a close relationship with then that would be different if they were lying about cheating or something, but this is different, this is someone the OP hardly knows.

^^ I thought that answered it more than adequately.

Why are you badgering me?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/02/2013 18:00

If you are taken unawares by an offer, say you need time to think it over, and discuss it with your family. Then either say 'No Thankyou', or give a credible reason (true or false) why you can't take the job.

Benefits bashing? I don't think so. I think that our benefits system is a marvellous thing, and it is the mark of a civilised society that it supports those who need that support.

But do I think that the benefits system is there to allow someone to wait until the 'perfect' job comes along - sorry, no. I do think that it is reasonable to want a job that is a good enough fit for your skills and circumstances - so if that is what is happening here - or if the man is that rare thing, a work shy layabout, then I don't think the benefits system should enable that.

earlierintheweek · 07/02/2013 18:02

But surely, SDTG, the whole point of being taken unawares is that you don't always respond perfectly?

fuzzpig · 07/02/2013 18:03

Really depends what the job is IMO. When DH had been out of work for a while (before he had surgery for his injury) somebody I knew kept pestering him to offer him a 'job' Hmm but actually it was more like a pyramid selling scheme (some health drink thing, so not exactly high demand and would be total overkill to have two sellers in the same small area anyway). I don't think DH was being U to avoid the pushy woman like the plague politely decline. If it had been a genuine job that he could physically manage, with set hours and wages or commission etc, then he would have bitten her arm off.

It's not really any of your business why he turned it down though TBH. It was very kind of your DH to offer - but an 'offer' is just that, not an obligation. And presumably this guy didn't ask for a job. I can see why your DH would be a bit miffed that he got turned down, but there's no point in dwelling on it.

renaldo · 07/02/2013 18:08

Are you on benefits earlier?

earlierintheweek · 07/02/2013 18:09

Me? No. Why?

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/02/2013 18:10

earlier, that post was about why you would feel OK about telling a social lie, but my question was about how you would feel about someone lying to you. And I am 'badgering' you because you are so steadfast in not answering what I considered a very non-contentious question, and I can't quite believe it. I keep thinking 'I'm wording this wrong, I'll put it another way and see if that's any clearer'. But I'll bow out now, you don't want to consider that it is OK to be annoyed by someone, fine.

Booyhoo · 07/02/2013 18:11

"Are you on benefits earlier? "

if he/she was would that make their opinion on this invalid?

earlierintheweek · 07/02/2013 18:11

I wouldn't be annoyed if someone I hardly knew lied to me when refusing a job.

If someone I was in a relationship with lied to me about cheating then yes I would be annoyed.

But annoyed because someone didn't give an "acceptable" excuse for turning down a job, no not a bit.

Booyhoo · 07/02/2013 18:12

WYLI

i have already said i wouldn't be annoyed. why are you not acknowledging that?

renaldo · 07/02/2013 18:13

Just wondering about the polarised opinions on the thread and wondering if people who work think he should have accepted the job or given a good reason why not, and the people out of work think he was reasonable to turn it town with a lame excuse.
Me and my DH work bloody hard , and have 3 kids . I really believe in the benefit system as a safety net, not a,lifestyle choice.

Booyhoo · 07/02/2013 18:17

you do realise that working and not working aren't permanent states of being? there are people who used to work that now dont for whatever reason and there are people who work now that didn't at some point in their lives for whatever reason.

HintofBream · 07/02/2013 18:29

Pondering, YANBU. Ignore the spiteful comments from people who would not put out a helping hand to a friend or acquaintance who needed one, but are happy to make malicious comments about those kinder than they.

MurderOfGoths · 07/02/2013 18:46

Maybe he couldn't accept it because the goat might have had an emergency when the flat screen fell on it knocking it into the swimming pool?

Thought I may as well get them all in here, they'll turn up sooner or later.

OP your DH's offer sounds lovely, but I wouldn't really waste any more time thinking about it. You don't know the full story, don't need to know the full story and it doesn't affect you.

All the other cunts thinking they have right to know every detail of someone's life just because they are on benefits, fuck right off. The people that need to know do. You are just being a nosey fucker.

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