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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with this couple

228 replies

Ponderingonaquandry · 07/02/2013 13:42

Hope I don't out myself here, going to have to be vague!

I know (I won't say friends as that's over egging it a bit) a couple who have a young, school age, family. Neither parent works, fine, job market is utterly shit at the moment so totally understandable. Both are complaining they are broke and will be more so when the benefit reforms come in and how unfair it is on them. So my dp comes up with a good solution to solve their problems and his workload, he offers the dad a job, reasonable pay, not great, but a foot on the ladder, and helps both parties out. So we were a bit shocked when the dad turns it down saying he's needed at home 'in case of an emergency'. My jaw hit the floor.

Neither parent has a disability nor do the children.

Thankfully my brother had a friend in a similar situation who snapped the job up so dp's stress levels are alleviated a bit, but still. Not the point.

AIBU to be annoyed with them over this?

OP posts:

Snazzynewyear · 07/02/2013 15:32

So now offering someone a job is insulting them? Whoever said MN at its huffy best was right. OP, YANBU. If he's allowed to turn the job down, why on earth is she not allowed to feel annoyed? Free will for both, surely?

Hullygully · 07/02/2013 15:33

character is fate

usualsuspect · 07/02/2013 15:33

Who cares?

earlierintheweek · 07/02/2013 15:34

fate is the hunter hully

Booyhoo · 07/02/2013 15:34

that's the thing, OP was vague so we dont know. we can only guess and from what os in the OP it seems like the mother wasn't even considered for teh job.

country read my post. when did i say OP was sexist?

pinkdelight · 07/02/2013 15:35

Totally agree with countrykitten.

And astonished at the people who are outraged on behalf of the poor couple who were "patronised" by the offer a job. Er, how can you get all indignant saying - well he might not have liked your husband, as if that's a valid reason to turn work down. How many people don't like their boss? That's why it's called work, not pleasure! And there's also of course the instant MN citing of unknown MH issues, anxiety etc. Honestly, I'm pretty leftie, but this is enough to make you reconsider.

Booyhoo · 07/02/2013 15:37

" "MrBooy can't do it, but I'd like to"? It's not solely up to the OP's husband, is it? "

no i wouldn't have wanted to work for someone who didn't even consider me for the job in the first place simply because i lacked a penis.

earlierintheweek · 07/02/2013 15:37

Well I cited my issues because they were real. Very few people outside of my two best friends knew just how bad things were for me healthwise - not even my family knew, and certainly people on the fringes of my social circle wouldn't have had a clue.

But if someone from that social circle had offered me a job I would have given a lame excuse.

MammaTJ · 07/02/2013 15:42

I know quite a few people like this OP. I know one man who had a full time job but 'had to' drop back to part time when his DP had a baby. She already had one school age child from a previous relationship. She has gone on to have another two, so four children in total. She 'couldn't cope' with two children, so why go on to have another two?

Both myself and my DP work full time, we have two children together and I have an older DD. In an emergency, our bosses are very understanding.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/02/2013 15:43

"But if someone from that social circle had offered me a job I would have given a lame excuse."
Would it have been reasonable for the offerer to have felt annoyed by a lame excuse?

earlierintheweek · 07/02/2013 15:45

no. Why? An offer is an offer, it can be accepted or declined, I wouldn't get annoyed if someone declined my offer.

Booyhoo · 07/02/2013 15:46

"Would it have been reasonable for the offerer to have felt annoyed by a lame excuse? "

no because reason for refusal of offer is none of the offerer's business, they aren't their boss til they start paying them.

Lavenderhoney · 07/02/2013 15:48

Well it was nice of you and your dp, but if he cant do it- and sounds as though there was a good reason - an emergency. Maybe they have things to deal with in their life they don't feel like sharing.

Did you discuss it with anyone who knew them better first? To see how the ground lay and not to embarress anyone or feel they way you do?

I still think your hearts are in the right place, but without all the info, you cant judge.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/02/2013 15:49

When you are offered a lame excuse, it's usually pretty transparent that it is a lame excuse, i.e. not the true reason. So you know you are being lied to. Which is annoying.

ajandjjmum · 07/02/2013 15:49

Reminds me of the time my DF offered my teenage cousin a job, as he'd left school and had no work. Didn't take it up though, because it would have meant him getting a bus at 7 am. 20 years later, he's never 'officially' worked, but has three children and a decent lifestyle.

nemno · 07/02/2013 15:53

Being offered a job by someone you know is not being patronised, it is why people network so hard. I don't think OP deserves a hard time over this. I would be puzzled/annoyed by someone seemingly refusing to help themselves out of a rut (which they admit to being in).

Booyhoo · 07/02/2013 15:56

" So you know you are being lied to. Which is annoying. "

so what, if someone has a personal reason that isn't public knowledge why they cant take the job, they should tell you it just so you aren't annoyed? really?

Booyhoo · 07/02/2013 15:57

and surely if you knew you were being lied to you would realise that there is another reason that they dont want to share with you and just leave it at that? why would you get annoyed?

CloudsAndTrees · 07/02/2013 16:03

People who are long term unemployed, capable of work, and are living off benefits (which the couple in the OP may or may not be) should take any work that is offered to them. It's that simple.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/02/2013 16:14

If someone had a personal reason that they wouldn't want to disclose, I'd expect them to have put a little effort into having a 'reason' ready to deflect offers they know they won't ever accept. For example 'That's very kind of you, but I have personal commitments at the moment that mean I can't take you up on that.' Most people would accept that and wouldn't enquire further.

"and surely if you knew you were being lied to you would realise that there is another reason"
No. I would 'realise' that they thought I was thick enough to accept their lame offering or that they thought I didn't merit the effort of a well-crafted response. And be annoyed.

Booyhoo · 07/02/2013 16:19

'in case of emergency' would suggest he felt there was a likelyhood that there would be an emergency that he needed to be there to deal with. should he have to expand on that just to satisfy you?

it isn't a lame excuse, it's just that you want to know more.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/02/2013 16:28

Every family could have an emergency - but every family can't have both parents stay at home 'in case'.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/02/2013 16:31

No, it really doesn't suggest that to me Booyhoo. The only thing it does sugges tto me is that he would turn down any offer of a job, regardless of who offered it, what it was etc.

earlierintheweek · 07/02/2013 16:31

I'm sorry but why does anyone have to give any reason for turning down a job other than "no thanks" after all, as often said on here, no is a complete sentence!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/02/2013 16:33

Tbh, "no thank you" would be better than a, possibly lame, excuse.

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