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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to go away with my friends?

79 replies

Sianilaa · 07/02/2013 00:08

I'm a SAHM three days a week and work from home 2 days. My husband also works from home full time,for himself (so flexible!). We have 2 children, aged 5 and 3.5. Obviously oldest DS is a school and youngest DS goes to preschool every afternoon and childminder in the morning when I'm working.

Some of my friends are organising a week's holiday in April and for once they've actually asked if I'd like to go. None of them are married or have kids, holiday during school term time.

I've said that a whole week is a long time to leave the children with DH but that possibly I could go Mon-Fri and get the childminder to have youngest DS every morning and even maybe do pick ups for both as well. I don't earn that much as my business is quite new but have enough to pay for this break in my account. My mum is also around to help if needs be.

Presented my case to DH who has "put his foot down" and said "no, end of discussion". He says he cannot do it and I can't afford it and it's selfish of me.
My mother is agreeing with him - she says my father wouldn't have "allowed" her to do it and I was asking too much - I'm a SAHM and it's my job to be there for the children, that was what I chose when I had children and I can't just up and leave when it suits me. That the sun shines out of my poor husband's backside and I shouldn't expect him to do this so I can swan off and have my own break.

We are having a family holiday, I'm not taking away family resources. I'd be perfectly ok for DH to do the same, if he wanted. He just doesn't want to. And he thinks because he doesn't want to go away with friends then I shouldn't.

AIBU to want a few days away with friends? I feel like I'm trapped in the same 4 walls all the time and cross that my husband appears to be trying to forbid something that I don't feel I should need permission to do if I've made plans to take care of the children. They're his kids too and a week of school drop offs, dinner and bedtimes will hardly kill him. He did "allow" me to go abroad for a wedding 2 years ago for a weekend and he said it was hell and I can't leave him alone with both boys again! I think it's a bit pathetic actually. And they're older and easier now.

Or am I being an awful, selfish wife and mother and should stay at home and accept that I gave up the right to go away with friends when I had children?

OP posts:

911AreBack · 07/02/2013 00:10

The putting his foot down would really rile me and would ring alarm bells. He's your husband not your father

primigravida · 07/02/2013 00:18

YANBU - I am a SAHM of two as well and my DH has no problem with me going away with friends for a holiday. Likewise in the past I have cared singlehandedly for our children so he could go away for a holiday with friends. We both consider it good for our mental health to have a 'proper' holiday i.e. one when you can truly relax without caring for the children. Your husband is being selfish not you. They are his kids too and your mother is also being unreasonable. It is ridiculous and old-fashioned of them especially seeing as you have childcare lined up to take care of the children.

Original poster

Sianilaa · 07/02/2013 00:25

Thanks primi, I'd be more than happy for DH to go on holiday with his friends but he isn't interested. Therefore it's not fair if I go...?

You're right, he's not my dad and that's what's making me angry as I don't feel he is in a position to forbid me to do anything or control me.

But on the other hand, we are a family and if he is not willing to look after his own children from 5pm - 8am (and they sleep 7pm-7am!) then I'm not in a position to leave them.

OP posts:

Justforlaughs · 07/02/2013 08:42

I don't think that YABU to want a break, but you've admitted that your DH wouldn't be able to cope and you'd need to enlist your mother to help, but she doesn't think you should go. I'm afraid that that's your answer. I do go away every so often with DS and Dsils but my DH is happy with that. Is there any way you could just go for 1 night? (I'm not in favour of "not allowing" you to go either) I don't suppose that the money is worrying your DH more than you think is there. I know that at the moment lots of people are worrying about job security etc.

FlorriesDragons · 07/02/2013 08:51

YANBU.

My children are younger 1 and 3 and I haven't had a holiday in four years. Slightly different to your situation in that Dh has been away every year since they have been born, on snow holidays and stag weekend etc so this summer I am taking myself off for a few days with my friends. I had to cope, he will cope, we all need a break sometimes.

maninawomansworld · 07/02/2013 09:06

He's probably remebering back to last time when it was 'hell' and not wanting that again but for a whole week this time!
Just saying that it's a bit pathetic will not make him come round to your way of thinking, you need to coax him. Hard work to coax yes, but do you want the week away or not?
Why not talk to him about why it was so awful and help him see that it won't be so bad this time. Maybe organise some help to make it a bit easier for him.

SPBInDisguise · 07/02/2013 09:19

!
Has he been away at all since you've had te children? Dh and I have to ask each other, but its not permission, it is diary juggling. I can't believe he had forbidden you from going, this would be a huge issue for me tbh.

ohfunnyhoneyface · 07/02/2013 09:26

This sounds ridiculous and not normal!

I have to convince my DP that it isn't always possible for me to go away- he actively encourages it! And once DC are old enough, I will!

It is so important to retain an adult identity- he needs to listen to you!

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 07/02/2013 09:28

The forbidding would do it for me!

I've never been away without the kids, but only because the opportunity hasn't presented itself. I know for a fact that my husband wouldn't mind, and if I had a plan in place like yours re childcare, I can't see what the problem would be.

I would be having words re feeling trapped, pissed off and resentful.

Sashapineapple · 07/02/2013 09:42

Ask your Mum to help. Fill the freezer with meals for the week to make it easy for him. Make sure the washing is done and he knows where everything is. Leave a list of things to do if he runs out of ideas and let him cope. Imo Dads should be just as capable to look after the children as the Mum so it's about time he learnt.
I would be pretty pissed off about the 'putting his foot down' and tell him where to go with that!

coppertop · 07/02/2013 09:43

If your dh can't cope with his own children for a week, what would he do if anything were to happen to you???

Even if this holiday doesn't go ahead, it's time your dh grew up a bit and started doing a lot bit more with/for his own children.

YANBU.

Sashapineapple · 07/02/2013 09:44

Your mothers attitude stinks, it might have been that way in her day but thankfully times have changed.

JaneyLiz · 07/02/2013 09:57

First of all, it is really important that you feel you have a right to have a break and that you are not in a relationship where your partner won't tolerate it. However how you negotiate the break (if not this one then others to come) is going to possibly involve some compromise and negotiation.

Two things that struck me reading the post;

You need a break but your DH doesn't feel a similar need so he can't appreciate how you feel.
He feels he will struggle with the boys but you know you would cope in a similar situation so you find it hard to understand this.

I'm sensing that this difficulty of not being able to empathise with each other is clouding the issue.

All of us MNers are in different relationships so will be responding from our own experience which may or may not be helpful.

Money could be playing an issue if he is the main breadwinner and your business isn't bringing much in at the moment.

Has he also had an 'end of discussion' attitude to other areas especially around your own life, outlets, jobs etc or is this attitude unusual for him?

It would annoy me if my Mum sided with my DH too - remember she comes from an different era and she still might help you out... don't give up...chose a good time to discuss this issue again, be understanding BUT remember you do have a right to a break.

lottiegarbanzo · 07/02/2013 10:11

He sounds useless. Not being able to look after his own children in the evening for one week is beyond crap.

I really do not comprehend the idea that SAHM means 'tied to the children 24/7 and needs partner's permission to go out ever'. A reasonable definition is 'cares for children during working and commuting hours', with childcare shared equally during evenings and weekends.

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes · 07/02/2013 11:00

Presented my case to DH who has "put his foot down" and said "no, end of discussion".

This would piss me off.

As not being able to take care of his own children. What a pathetic, inadequate father he must be. What the hell would he do if something happened to you?

Original poster

Sianilaa · 07/02/2013 12:00

You've hit the nail on the head JaneyLiz.

I've offered to leave him meals (he won't cook).
My mum will babysit so he can go to his football practice sessions. I bet she'd even come and help put them to bed on those days too.

He isn't too bad round the house (he does the washing, the bins, cleans up after dinner and gives the kids breakfast every morning while I get dressed) so I don't see what the big deal is to be honest. I do all the cooking, ironing, tidying and general cleaning but we also have a cleaner once a week too.

He'd have to: get the kids up, dressed, fed and off to school.
Pick the kids up from childminder at 5pm. Reheat dinner I've left. Bath, story, bed.
Five times. In fact, probably only three times as my mum would do two days.
He wouldn't even have to do any extra cleaning.

He says he doesn't get equal time off but I've been trying to encourage him to go away or go out more but he doesn't want to. He does 2 football sessions a week. I take the kids to all their parties at the weekends so he can have some peace and quiet. I go out two evenings a week - school governors meeting or seeing a friend one evening and an evening course the other. It's fairly equal I'd say.

OP posts:

EasilyBored · 07/02/2013 12:06

If you're husband can't cope for one week, with loads of support and freezer meals and children only in the evening, then I wonder how the hell he manages to get up and tie his own shoes in the morning. God forbid you ever end up in hospital or seriously ill. He's a grown man with two children, he can cope.
You do not need his permission. You are adults, in a relationship, you do not need 'permission' from anyone, ever.
If being a SAHM is your 'job' then I'm sure you must have accrued enough holiday time to cover this
Your husband and mum can go and fuck themselves.
He can take time away too, and is just refusing to, which is his problem, not yours.

I am SO angry on your behalf OP!

EasilyBored · 07/02/2013 12:06

You, not you're.

EasilyBored · 07/02/2013 12:06

ARGH! Your, not you're!

drownangels · 02/03/2013 09:27

I would be fuming with your DH's attitude and your mothers as well.

I remember in the 70's my mum going away with her friends once or twice a year and my dad was perfectly happy with this. He got us ready for school and did everything my mum did.
I first went away when my eldest was nearly two and the last time I went was for five days to my friends place in Turkey
Both my dad and DH understand the need to let your hair down a bit and to be yourself away from the day to day chores that can grind you down if you don't have a break from them.

hwjm1945 · 02/03/2013 09:35

Hubby sounds bit controlling,mine worked away all week for 2 years while I worked 4 days per week and ran house and kids.he did not understand why I needed a 2 night break.I stuck to guns and when I got back he told me he understood better what it had been l ok me for me.men often find it hard to imagine your life.make him live it an d he will

Catsu · 02/03/2013 12:45

I'd be telling him that if he refuses to 'let' you have time away then how on earth will he cope with sole charge of the children at weekends etc when you snap and leave him?

TheSecondComing · 02/03/2013 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FutTheShuckUp · 02/03/2013 12:51

YANBU. I do this every year.

DebbieLovesDallas · 02/03/2013 12:55

Exactly what Catsu says! Ask him how one earth he'll cope with his OWN children when he becomes a weekend father. Or ask him if you've suddenly transported back to the 1950s? Jeez, where does these men come from?

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