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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to go away with my friends?

79 replies

Sianilaa · 07/02/2013 00:08

I'm a SAHM three days a week and work from home 2 days. My husband also works from home full time,for himself (so flexible!). We have 2 children, aged 5 and 3.5. Obviously oldest DS is a school and youngest DS goes to preschool every afternoon and childminder in the morning when I'm working.

Some of my friends are organising a week's holiday in April and for once they've actually asked if I'd like to go. None of them are married or have kids, holiday during school term time.

I've said that a whole week is a long time to leave the children with DH but that possibly I could go Mon-Fri and get the childminder to have youngest DS every morning and even maybe do pick ups for both as well. I don't earn that much as my business is quite new but have enough to pay for this break in my account. My mum is also around to help if needs be.

Presented my case to DH who has "put his foot down" and said "no, end of discussion". He says he cannot do it and I can't afford it and it's selfish of me.
My mother is agreeing with him - she says my father wouldn't have "allowed" her to do it and I was asking too much - I'm a SAHM and it's my job to be there for the children, that was what I chose when I had children and I can't just up and leave when it suits me. That the sun shines out of my poor husband's backside and I shouldn't expect him to do this so I can swan off and have my own break.

We are having a family holiday, I'm not taking away family resources. I'd be perfectly ok for DH to do the same, if he wanted. He just doesn't want to. And he thinks because he doesn't want to go away with friends then I shouldn't.

AIBU to want a few days away with friends? I feel like I'm trapped in the same 4 walls all the time and cross that my husband appears to be trying to forbid something that I don't feel I should need permission to do if I've made plans to take care of the children. They're his kids too and a week of school drop offs, dinner and bedtimes will hardly kill him. He did "allow" me to go abroad for a wedding 2 years ago for a weekend and he said it was hell and I can't leave him alone with both boys again! I think it's a bit pathetic actually. And they're older and easier now.

Or am I being an awful, selfish wife and mother and should stay at home and accept that I gave up the right to go away with friends when I had children?

OP posts:

clam · 02/03/2013 12:59

I wouldn't call attending school governors meetings "time off." Football twice a week, however, is. Tot that up over the last few years...

clam · 02/03/2013 13:04

And is he aware that refusing to discuss things of importance to you and "forbidding" you to do things, as if he was your dad, might just adversely affect your libido?

Lafaminute · 02/03/2013 13:04

YANBU but my dh would say no too and he's like yours - flexible hours but I DON'T earn my own money. I have done three nights away but had cm organised - who cancelled at the last minute so my wonderful best friend stepped in and saved the day. Mostly I can go for one night/two days and the more often I do this the more accepting they all are of it (kids object to their handy slave not being around at their beck and call too!); so I've been away last week and am going again this week. I think Catsu's point if quite a good one! IF you do go please please leave any guilty feelings behind - and then go again even for a night and start to make a regular thing of it. Your dh's relationship with his children will benefit from it as will your relationship with them (absence makes the heart grow fonder) Have a great holiday!!

PureQuintessence · 02/03/2013 13:10

Yanbu. He is an inconsiderate selfish dick.

My dh would have no qualms of me going away for a week with friends. Or a long weekend. He is a competent dad, can get the kids up, and pick them up, feed them and bathe them and put them to sleep. They are 7 and 10 so much easier now. He even once took them camping for the weekend, without me, so I could relax and have friends visiting and do girly things (and get really drunk), while the youngest was just 18 months and still in nappies.

Your dh needs to man up and learn to parent.

diddl · 02/03/2013 13:18

Jeez-does someone wipe his arse for his as well?

Can't/won't cook?

Can't/won't look after his own children??

How on earth do you put up with him,OP??

Well, this week away will be a good chance for him to learn, won't it?

Hope to goodness that you're never ill or need time in hospital, OP!

clam · 02/03/2013 13:24

"Hope to goodness that you're never ill or need time in hospital, OP!"

Second this several times over! I've been out of action for nearly 7 weeks now, with a broken leg. OK so my kids are mid-teens and relatively helpful and independent, but even so, DH has had to do all his stuff and all mine, on top of a very demanding job. Fortunately he's been hands-on from Day One so he's used to pulling his weight. Get yours trained NOW!

nickelbabe · 02/03/2013 13:38

" I'm a SAHM and it's my job to be there for the children"

even NMW jobs have 4 weeks' holiday entitlement a year.

nickelbabe · 02/03/2013 13:39

"He did "allow" me to go abroad for a wedding 2 years ago for a weekend and he said it was hell and I can't leave him alone with both boys again! I think it's a bit pathetic actually. And they're older and easier now"

that'[s pathetic from a grown man.

He should be capable of looking after your children for a few days.
You have to do it every day, what's so special about it?

abbyfromoz · 02/03/2013 13:44

I asked my DH after reading him this post and he said (word for word) 'she sounds like a good mother, and has brought up 2 seemingly healthy children... Hell everyone deserves a break! I think her husband is wrong in what he's saying- as long as they have trust i suppose as well... And what he wants doesn't have to be what she wants... And if he loved her he should be thinking about what she wants too'....

drownangels · 02/03/2013 13:56

I've just asked my DH his opinion, bearing in mind I go away several times a year with my mates) and he said 'some men still live in the stone age' and also 'What?, it was hell being left with two kids? He really seriously needs to get a grip!'

clam · 02/03/2013 14:04

So, it's "hell" for him to be left with 2 kids for a couple of days as a one-off, but OK for you to have to do it the rest of the year?

TheSeventhHorcrux · 02/03/2013 14:07

Alarm bells are ringing with him "putting his foot down" and the statement of what you are "allowed" to do. Also the "end of discussion" bit etc etc

You're an adult. Do what you want to do. Sounds like you e tried to minimise the impact on other people so you're being fair. Relationships are about helping each other.

Tell your mother to stay out of it how is her relationship with her controlling husband relevant?

Also sounds like your friends have previously avoided a asking you so as to avoid an incident with your DH. Again rings alarm bells. I could be reading into it too much there though

hope it sorts itself out

ChristineDaae · 02/03/2013 14:15

Oh if my DP 'forbid' me to go somewhere, that would definitely persuade me that I simply HAD to go. Without whaling to be morbid, what if you were suddenly hospitalised or worse and he had to look after his own children?! What then? I'm going away without DD or DP for this first time this year, he can't wait for me to go so they get some lovely time together!

Aftereightsarenolongermine · 02/03/2013 14:17

I go away every year (sometimes twice) with my friends. Off in 4 weeks again. If dh put his foot down & forbade me to go he wouldn't see me for dust quite frankly. Strangely all his family think we are weird that we both go away every year with our friends, & all say they wouldn't allow their other halves to do this. We had this very same discussion last week. Both dh & I said at the same time 'I am not someone's property, I am my own person'. Enough said.

TheSeventhHorcrux · 02/03/2013 14:18

"Hope to goodness that you're never ill or need time in hospital, OP!"

I second this too.
I recently dislocated my knee and havent really been able to do anything. Poor OH has had to do everything in the house - we don't have any kids which would make the situation worse. In some ways it's good because we've both learnt what he can and can't do.

A kinder take than my previous post is maybe he is frightened about being left alone with the kids because he's not used to it?

GilmoursPillow · 02/03/2013 14:18

If he says he can't cope, now's the time to learn.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 02/03/2013 14:28

This would fuck me right off.

It was 'hell' looking after his own kids for two days?!!?!?! Give me strength.

As for 'Ask your Mum to help. Fill the freezer with meals for the week to make it easy for him. Make sure the washing is done and he knows where everything is. Leave a list of things to do if he runs out of ideas and let him cope. Imo Dads should be just as capable to look after the children as the Mum so it's about time he learnt.', well, I'm sorry but needing a freezer full of meals, the washing done and instructions for everything in his own house to do with his own family is NOT him being capable.

If my DP was this useless (and if he tried to 'put his foot down' or forbid me from doing something), well, he wouldn't be my DP for much longer.

Your mother can butt out too.

Enjoy a holiday! You'll come back refreshed, re-energised and in a wonderful frame of mind. You'll have had a good time and your family will benefit too.

clam · 02/03/2013 15:05

Yes, I'd be a bit at having to cook a batch of meals for the week ahead in order to "earn" a pass to go out.
BUT, first things first. He's even less likely to "allow" her to go if it's going to be even more of a pain for him. So for 'this' time, maybe it'd be a means to an end.

clam · 02/03/2013 15:07

And since when did having children mean (women) signing up to 20 years of being chained to the house? F* that for a game of soldiers.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 02/03/2013 15:08

clam, I see your point, but I just can't stand the idea of having to 'groom' an adult, for want of a better word, to do normal stuff that most adults should just bloody well do like cooking.
Or of having to 'earn' a 'pass' to do something.

I admit I am sometimes something of a hothead though and I quite like storming in and starting a scrap.

blueballoon79 · 02/03/2013 15:27

He can't cope looking after his own children and can't cook/wont cook either?

Is this a man or a little pathetic boy you're married to?

Tell him he can start learning now in time for you to go on holiday.

You're not his skivvy or his slave and he has no right to "put his foot down"

I'm sorry but he sounds an idiot, your entire op made my blood boil.

clam · 02/03/2013 15:33

But that's the thing though, clarice. If you're quite feisty then this situation wouldn't have arisen in the first place. The OP has to work with what she's got.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 02/03/2013 15:40

Yes, you're not wrong and I know you're making sense. I still agree more with the likes of blueballoon above, though ...

And actually, why should a woman have to be 'feisty' in order not to be treated like a servant or possession by someone else?

StillSeekingSpike · 02/03/2013 15:48

Does he actually live in the same house as you and the children?? because if he does, how the arsing fck can he not know how to look after HIS OWN CHILDREN and run his OWN HOUSE????? Jeezus, you think he'd be actually embarassed to admit this

Fillyjonk75 · 02/03/2013 16:00

YANBU - it would only be unreasonable if were either that or a family holiday in terms of finances. When DD1 was 2 I went to Venice for 4 days with then child free friends. DH didn't bat an eyelid.

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