AIBU to want to go away with my friends?

[Sianilaa]

I'm a SAHM three days a week and work from home 2 days. My husband also works from home full time,for himself (so flexible!). We have 2 children, aged 5 and 3.5. Obviously oldest DS is a school and youngest DS goes to preschool every afternoon and childminder in the morning when I'm working.

Some of my friends are organising a week's holiday in April and for once they've actually asked if I'd like to go. None of them are married or have kids, holiday during school term time.

I've said that a whole week is a long time to leave the children with DH but that possibly I could go Mon-Fri and get the childminder to have youngest DS every morning and even maybe do pick ups for both as well. I don't earn that much as my business is quite new but have enough to pay for this break in my account. My mum is also around to help if needs be.

Presented my case to DH who has "put his foot down" and said "no, end of discussion". He says he cannot do it and I can't afford it and it's selfish of me.
My mother is agreeing with him - she says my father wouldn't have "allowed" her to do it and I was asking too much - I'm a SAHM and it's my job to be there for the children, that was what I chose when I had children and I can't just up and leave when it suits me. That the sun shines out of my poor husband's backside and I shouldn't expect him to do this so I can swan off and have my own break.

We are having a family holiday, I'm not taking away family resources. I'd be perfectly ok for DH to do the same, if he wanted. He just doesn't want to. And he thinks because he doesn't want to go away with friends then I shouldn't.

AIBU to want a few days away with friends? I feel like I'm trapped in the same 4 walls all the time and cross that my husband appears to be trying to forbid something that I don't feel I should need permission to do if I've made plans to take care of the children. They're his kids too and a week of school drop offs, dinner and bedtimes will hardly kill him. He did "allow" me to go abroad for a wedding 2 years ago for a weekend and he said it was hell and I can't leave him alone with both boys again! I think it's a bit pathetic actually. And they're older and easier now.

Or am I being an awful, selfish wife and mother and should stay at home and accept that I gave up the right to go away with friends when I had children?

Also just after I had stopped breastfeeding but was still on mat leave, DD1 was about 8 months old and I had a weekend break at my friend's. He had barely looked after her for a couple of hours on his own at that point, but IMO you have to hand over the reins at some point to give them practice! I did write down her usual routine so he knew what roughly should happen when. And do you know, he was fine. But then far more appreciative of how much I did and what my days were like. It's a win-win.

YANBU.

I went away with my friend for a week in the sun for my 40th.

We'd planned it for years, well before I met DH.

We also have a couple of nights in London twice a year.

DH never minds. He's perfectly capable of looking after himself and the kids. He used holiday time from work for my 40th.

I'd think someone who needed batches of meals cooked for them was a bit wet TBH.

Yanbu! He is, and unattractivelt pathetic and ungenerous.

As a child I had trouble with anyone trying to forbid me from doing anything. As an adult, they've no fucking chance.

Put his foot down? Really? Is this man your boss? He certainly doesn't see you as an equal.

Entirely normal for partnerships to mean one stepping up to let the achieve something, whether it be work related or time away with friends.

Fecking hell bells, did you marry a man or mouse, jeez, My sister works evenings and her husband is perfectly apt at looking after a 2 and 4 year old, hes their dad, thats what dads do.

Your DH is just an arse and cant be bothered, you need to put YOUR foot down and say your going, you have a right to a break, my exPIL's have my DD every holiday for atleast a week, its my life line from going mad!!!

He's a twat.

Tell your friends you're doing, then tell - not ask - him you're going, and that you will batch cook food for the children before you go.

Useless twat. Won't cook? Won't look after his own children? Refusing to allowing you to do something?

I'd possibly stay on holiday.

That smell of a controlling, lazy arsehole is coming over MN again, wheres the febreeze.

OMG!!!! YANBU!!!

I do this 2 or 3 times a year, usually 3 days at a time to Ireland to visit my two best mates from uni. I really look forward to these breaks and like you arrange help if needed but usually just book a few months in advance to give hubby time to factor the time in to his work schedule.

I really feel you need to address this and put YOUR foot down!!

I hope you go, I really do!

I would be absolutely fuming. Book the holiday and tell him to get a fucking grip.

"Putting my foot down" indeed. I'd have produced my passport before he'd finished the sentence!

Have a great time

Yanbu at all! Fgs he cant tell you what to do. You are being more than accomodating re sorting childminder and cooking meals etc.

I dont understand these men that say they cant cook/look after the kids etc on their own.

If he doesnt want to go away that is his choice but you do and he should be perfectly capable of coping on his own.

Is he controlling in other ways btw?

Ooh I've been bumped :)

Sorry I didn't come back on and update.

I do feel a bit bad as he really isn't normally controlling and he's far from lazy - he's a very generous man normally too. I've been in an abusive, controlling relationship before and this definitely isn't one! He does his fair share round the house, would never ever withhold money from me or anything like that.

However... This kicked off big time. I let him have it with both barrels. Since I've been a SAHM, he has absolved himself of any responsibility for the boys. He finds them stressful - probably because he doesn't spend enough quality alone time with them! I love cooking so have enabled that side of him but I hate washing and gardening and DIY etc... So we play to our strengths and have let each other fall into these traditional roles. Anyway, I told him what I thought of it and that he's not my Dad, I don't have to ask for permission. I told him a few home truths - he can't expect me to be chained to the house for the next 15 years, that by making me feel trapped he was going the right way about me wanting out altogether and the fact of the matter is, he's scared of being alone with them as he thinks he won't cope. So I said it will be good for all of them if I do go but I will compromise and go for 5 nights instead of 7.

He apologised profusely, realised he was being a complete dick and has also paid for the entire trip!

So I am going AND I will not be cooking anything, nor leaving instructions, etc (I don't do the washing anyway so won't do that either!).

Yay! Sorry it had to result in a blow up but great its resolved and am sure he will be fine and it will be good for him and the boys :) enjoy your holiday!

OP I've been following this and I'm so delighted that it worked out. Good (and probably practical) of you to compromise to going for 5 days rather than 7. Your DH is probably scared witless about caring for your DC's, and you know this could be a great experience for them all. Your DC's have time with their dad, and have to depend on him for a change. Your DH gets to really see how much you do for your family, and also be not so petrified by the thought of caring for his own children. Best of all, they will all miss you like blazes. Which is good, every once in a while.

At the risk of sounding like a prescriptive old bag, could I offer you one piece of advice? Don't micro-manage this! Don't leave endless lists of which food to offer, what clothes to put on them, when to bath and what story they like etc. Leave the fridge or freezer stocked, some clean-ish clothes in the drawers and let him get on with it. Your children might not be exactly fed as you would feed them, and they may have mucky faces for a few days and may watch a bit more telly than you'd like. Who cares? They will be safe, and they will be loved, which is the only thing that matters.

Congratulations on sorting this out and best wishes for a well-deserved holiday. I really hope you have a fabulous time.

lisa keep up! They've had the discussion and he's agreed. And
she's already reduced it to 5 days from 7.

Your DH deserves a pat on the back to for opening up to you about his concerns. I hope you have a wonderful time!! Enjoy!

That's great news. Dh & dcs can't wait for me to go away as they get to be in pjs eat crisps & chocolate all day. Apparently the best bit is they don't have to tidy up till 30 mins before I walk back through the door!

Good news Sianilaa. Well sorted.

Excellent, hope you both have a good time:)

My kids are the same age. My dh was happy for me to away long haul for a week with my best mate just after christmas. The only difference was that we both teach and it was the school holiday so a bit more relaxed. Also i didnt have to pay. Only finances would prevent something similar in future. Oh also i found a whole week a bit long to be away. Dh did go to stay at his parents for a couple of nights while i was away but he would have managed without that.

Brilliant news. Enjoy your trip!!

This is an excellent thread - restores ones faith in marriages built I'm discussion and compromise. Yay to OP and Mr OP.

Built on. Grr.

Thanks ifancyashandy :)

He is one of the good ones, despite my poor depiction of him in my OP!

Well done for opening up the discussion, feelings shared are much better than just sitting in silence, nice to see a marriage that can actually discuss and open up on things.