To want to set fire to my house

[Ashoething]

Warning this is more of a rant so feel free to ignore-

I fucking HATE our home. It was a dump when we moved in and after 10 years of neglect it is a hovel. The kitchen,bathroom and pretty much everywhere else is falling to bits. I am not talking about something a lick of paint would fix either-there are huge holes in ceiling,no doors on kitchen cupboards,boiler knackered,manky 30 year old carpets etc.

The latest is that we have no lights in the bathroom. The ceiling has been falling down for years and has now caused the electrics to go.

Dh says he cant afford repairs/new kitchen bathroom. His solution is to get a builder round to do a patch up job on the ceiling.

I just want to set fire to this house as I HATE it so much!! My dcs hate it too as I never let then have friends round as am embaressed at the state of it.

AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

It's time you put your foot down again, you have already proved you can.

The thing is you are gettin stressed Abit it because you are so sure you haven't got the money - but you don't really know if you have the money or not? Your DH could have 100k sitting in the bank and not be telling you.

Or it might be that you really don't have the money because it's being spent on something ludicrous. You really don't know until you get to the bottom of the finances.

Oh Ashoe nothing to say or add, but I really really feel for you.

I echo though what others say about the house being a marital asset so your husband is kidding himself if he thinks it is his in the event of a sepration/divorce.

Also- do you have NO access to money at all? (other than the cb?). I am anti this usually, but in your case I would be creaming money off and putting it somewhere safe in case you do have to walk. You could do what a friend of mine did when she had to get cash together to leave he seriously (physically, emotionally fiancially) abusive husband.... every time she went to the shops she paid with her debit card and withdrew an extra 5-10 pounds at a time- not enough for her husband to really notice.

expat To all intents and purposes he's not. I have always said he's not a dad because he doesn't know how to be one.

Ashoething - yes that resonates too; the joking about how 'hopeless' he is. I am very, very happy to hear you have a group of friends though, my step mum was alienated from every friend she ever had and it made a miserable existence even more isolating and lonely and damaging.

The best advice I can give atm is probably to get a job, any job, if you can. That small bit of financial independence will save your sanity, I promise. It also makes it easier to look at your other options. My step mum should have left my dad years ago. I don't think she ever will.

How old are your children? Would it be possible to get a job during school hours?

You can get a basic white bathroom suite for around £129.58 ish. You can buy ex display kitchens or even good quality second hand ones off tinternet. Very easy to install yourself. Get a few local plumbers to come in and give you some quotes re fitting bathroom. It's not going to cost you anything to see how much it would cost.
This is coming from someone who only has my kitchen half finished as we earn less than half you are on but every time we have a little we do a little more. It certainly will not be like this for 10 years! (I hope).
Your DH should really care more about his DC's happiness re having friends around really shouldn't he?

What I would do in your position is start ripping out the carpet, especially in the bathroom where it's damp. Break it down one room at a time and start assessing/pricing up new bathroom suites. Work out what it would take to replace this stuff. As a SAHM you must find it frustrating to be sat in a house you consider derelict. It takes nothing to price stuff up and start planning. It may be better to have bare boards instead of fusty carpet. When a room is stripped back it's easier to plan its future. Do your research so you can start making the change instead of waiting for DH. I lived in a project for 4 years and I had no flooring for most of it and bare plaster for a good few months. It was better than living with someone else's shit decoration and horrible flooring. Good luck.

Ash, you need to be getting on the phone to Women's Aid, not a builder. Your H is financially abusing you.

£45k is a lot of money for your H to be enjoying while you're managing on your CB money. He won't change, and your house is only going to get worse. What do you have to lose by leaving him?

the problem is, the longer you leave it when you knwo it needs doing, the more it costs.
yes you can get one for under £3k, but if the celing has fallen down, that will need done, it will need retiled, and possibly plasered. if the boiler is really old the will need doing so that the pipes can be run right.
you might not think of yourself as being handy, but get a book from the library, and with time and paitence you could do the tiles yourself, lay a floor yourself etc.

You sound so beaten down, OP. My sympathies - feel free to rant away (and plan to LTB).

I could have written that first post myself Ashoe I hate our house too.
I have said more than once, that if it wasn't a semi, I would have set it on fire and danced as it burned before now. I have a fond daydream where I come round the corner on my way home from the school run (so there is nobody in, and next doors are out too) and the fire engines are outside telling me there's nothing they can do, it's all gone.

You have my utmost sympathy. I have recently spent a lot of time in a house which has been neglected (in this case due to illness not money) and it is bloody depressing.

I could feel my mood lifting as I walked back into my own light, airy and crisply decorated place.

I would make a list and get on the internet to work out how much stuff would actually cost.

I also agree with the majority that the way you are being treated wrt money is more serious than the state of the house.

Thanks ladies-you have given more resolve to TELL dh that this is not good enough. A patch uo job on the bathroom is not going to solve the problem-we will have to find the money to get it sorted. Will start with focusing on that and hopefully will give me the kick up the arse I need.

if you haven't the strength to change the balance of your relationship now, then imagine yourself and your children in ten years time. If you're not happy now, what will you and your children feel in ten years time. It can only get worse.

Yes you can get a job, maybe even pay for some improvements yourself but it won't change the fact that your Dh is selfish and doesn't respect you and your/DC needs. If you start earning, will he expect you to contribute to bills etc?

He's not going to change by himself. Either you decide to live with it and change your reaction to it or you force him to change with ultimatums that you are prepared to go through with.

Financially you won't be worse off (if you only have access to CB) if you LTB. For the children's sake, be strong and do what you know you really need to - unless he has some redeeming qualities that you haven't told us about.

Can you not say to him that the value of the house will decrease if it falls to rack and ruin and propose it from the angle that he needs to protect his investment

You have had lots of great advice

I would recommend sorting the money to cover bokier and electrics. You may have to stop there for now.

It is amazing what redecorating - painting - will do.You say you are a SAHM - are all your 3 at school?. If so, take the bull by the horns and teach yourself (with the aid of the internet and mumsnet ) some DIY and painting skills. you could transform what you have now until you have ther money to replace kitchen and bathroom.

We had an old cottage that needed compleet renovation. Often after the re-plastering and renovation costs we had an empty purse so had to make do with what we could - a fresh coat of paint ad a carpet cleaner - it made a huge difference

Good luckk and let us know how you get on