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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to set fire to my house

91 replies

Ashoething · 06/02/2013 10:13

Warning this is more of a rant so feel free to ignore-

I fucking HATE our home. It was a dump when we moved in and after 10 years of neglect it is a hovel. The kitchen,bathroom and pretty much everywhere else is falling to bits. I am not talking about something a lick of paint would fix either-there are huge holes in ceiling,no doors on kitchen cupboards,boiler knackered,manky 30 year old carpets etc.

The latest is that we have no lights in the bathroom. The ceiling has been falling down for years and has now caused the electrics to go.

Dh says he cant afford repairs/new kitchen bathroom. His solution is to get a builder round to do a patch up job on the ceiling.

I just want to set fire to this house as I HATE it so much!! My dcs hate it too as I never let then have friends round as am embaressed at the state of it.

AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

OP posts:

almostanotherday · 06/02/2013 11:02

Artex can sometimes be an easy ish fix as ours was just sanded down and then painted over.

It's not going to cost to anything to get a few quotes and get some prices together or to start the jobs you can do yourself.

Like I said start with one room at a time so you do not feel so overwhelmed.

It's still your home regardless of council/ex council, size or area it's situated in.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter · 06/02/2013 11:02

Firstly you are contributing by raising the children, so he can buck up his ideas on that one.
It's hard being stuck at home when your not happy with things, its all you look at/ clean round and its blooming hard to clean older things then newer ones. It's also hard when everyone else seems to have a show home.

The husband problem aside, you know what needs to be done there and it won't happen til your ready xxx In the mean time squirrel money away from the bugger, I've a feeling you'll need it soon.

Loving the net idea on the kitchen units, cheap tension wires each end it will look lovely. Obviously ceiling needs someone in as does the boiler. Paint, new curtains (I found 247 curtains reasonable) & you'll feel much better.

MrsDeVere · 06/02/2013 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

valiumredhead · 06/02/2013 11:04

Oh and btw if you are married, half the house is yours!

Original poster

Ashoething · 06/02/2013 11:05

Sorry should have made it clear-boiler has been serviced. We have that homecare with scottish gas. But the boiler is basically knackered-they dont make the parts for it anymore and when the guy was last out a few weeks ago he was only able to partially sort it.

I am worried about the electrics though as dh got his dad to put a lot of our lights up and he has made an arse of them. I will tell dh that he has to get this looked at as it could be dangerous.

OP posts:

TheFalconsmistress · 06/02/2013 11:05

I really hope you gain the courage to walk away a man that treats you like this is no man at all. As a SAHM its a job an important and hard one at times you have given up a lot of your time to allow him a beautiful family that he takes for granted.

noclue2000 · 06/02/2013 11:07

my husband earns all the money in our relationship.
but there is NO CHANCE IN HELL i would be living in an unsafe house so that he could keep control.
you need to get quotes in, give them to him.
then tell him if its not getting done, you are leaving. the house is not safe.

Omnishambolic · 06/02/2013 11:08

Also - btw does he realise that he is throwing good money after bad (if he'd actually spent anything yet, but you know what I mean) by doing patch up jobs? Eg if there is a leak, or the electrics will need redoing, he is wasting money by getting the ceiling sorted since it will all need to be done again. There needs to be a plan.

StuntGirl · 06/02/2013 11:09

Oh ashoething, are you my step mum? Everything you've written could have been written by her.

I grew up in that house. The one with a bit of a leak in the porch ceiling which turned into a huge crack which turned into a massive damp patch which turned into a huge actual hole. We had to keep a bucket in the hallway to catch the rain, which also caught the frigging post as it was just behind the door Many a letter was dried by the fireplace.

We had no lights upstairs either, we made do with lamps in our bedrooms until the plugs then went too. Then we used torches to find our way up at night, and just avoided being upstairs otherwise.

When the toaster broke he refused to replace it. Same with the kettle. We used the cooker - grill for the toast, hob to boil water. Then the cooker broke. Took him a while to replace it, we ate microwave meals or sandwiches for a while. Of course when the tv broke while he was watching Wimbledon he literally rushed straight out to Comet and bought a new one there and then.

I am sorry you're living like this. I just wanted you to know that I get it. I've been there. I understand. It's really fucking hard.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/02/2013 11:10

A knackered boiler can cost about £2000 to replace and when they go, they go. Either the carbon monoxide emissions get higher which is dangerous and means they get condemned and switched off, or they just stop working which means you have no heating or hot water. Tell him you need to see all the household accounts so that you can work out where you're going to find that kind of money....

TeWiSavesTheDay · 06/02/2013 11:11

I am a SAHP too, BTW. I do the budget and basic repairs come higher up the list than branded food.

Your DH clearly isn't good with money, which you know! But that means that realistically he cannot keep being in charge of your financial affairs. If things stay this way they will just get worse. I know you know this.

Calling in workmen to get quotes is a good idea, then you can have a broken down list as a goal to find the money for when you are dealing with the accounts.

CartedOff · 06/02/2013 11:13

I hope your talk goes well, but I imagine it's going to be a struggle. Your husband sounds like someone who wants things done his way and wants to be in control, even to the detriment of his family. It's not his money, it's family money- and without you there to take care of the children and presumably take on so much more of the work he'd have to pay for a nanny or childcare and god knows what else. If he reiterates that whole "I earn it, I decide" line then he needs to hear that so far all that's got you is debt and a dangerous house. His behaviour is damaging.

StuntGirl · 06/02/2013 11:13

If he's anyhing like my dad workmen giving quotes won't make a blind bit of difference. My Dad thinks he's superior to all other people and that he knows best; how would a lowly workman know better than him? So he does a cowboy patch up job himself, if he even does it at all.

StuntGirl · 06/02/2013 11:14

*anything

noclue2000 · 06/02/2013 11:14

oh, and as a sahm, i have managed to
get the house re decorated, done by me.
a new bathroom put in, taken out by me, then installed by guys i found, and the suite was one i sourced.
a new kitchen, again pulled out by me, then installed by guys i found, with a kitchen i designed and sourced.
the pulling out by myself was really satisfying, and saved a few days worth of labour costs. also sourcing stuff online pulls the cost down.
you could get a whole new bathroom installed for £3000 easy.

valiumredhead · 06/02/2013 11:16

Bathroom are cheap - basic suite and installation can be hundreds not thousands if you do the tiling yourself.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 06/02/2013 11:17

Stunt - my dad can be similar, I dread to think what will happen as they get older.

expatinscotland · 06/02/2013 11:19

I'd take my kids and live in a hostel before spending another day with a twunt like your husband.

expatinscotland · 06/02/2013 11:20

Stunt, that person wouldn't be my father anymore.

melika · 06/02/2013 11:23

Start with the living room, forget the rest, this year is the living room. You will feel so much better if you and the kids have a nice lounge and maybe the DH might start coming round to the idea of it.

So for 2013, the lounge will get overhaul and maybe get a recommended electrician for the bathroom lights.

Original poster

Ashoething · 06/02/2013 11:24

Thanks for shaing stunt-it does actually help to know that in a small way that I am not alone.

I do tell friends what it is like but I dont think they realise how bad it is-they laugh when I tell them about the latest thing that is broken and ask how long is it going to take your dh to sort that then?

Re the oven-lol yes this struck a chord. Ours has been on its last legs for years, It no longer shuts properly so have to tie it with a dishcloth. Dh made noises about getting a new one but when I pointed out that the oven is integrated into the cupbaord which is already falling to bits-honestly this house is a joke!-he just said well we will have to manage as cant afford a new kitchen.

3000 grand for a bathroom Where do people find that kind of money? I know 45 grand isnt a fortune but among my group of friends its actually considered a not bad amount of money-for example you could get a brand new 4 bed detached house around here for 200 grand.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ashoething · 06/02/2013 11:26

The living room is actually the only half decent room. I put my foot down a couple of years ago and insisted it got done. So it got plastered,dh painted it and got a new suite/carpet. Cost a fortune though and as dh insisted on doing alot of it himself it took 6 weeks-and it is a tiny living room!!

OP posts:

TeWiSavesTheDay · 06/02/2013 11:28

You could do it for less than 3k, promise.

A few hundred quid would get you a basic white suite and tiles, if you are handy and have friends relatives who can help you could fit it yourself.

But if there is damage to the floor/ceiling and leaking pipes you will need get someone in to make sure there is nothing structural that needs doing.

valiumredhead · 06/02/2013 11:30

Plastering does cost a fortune.

Original poster

Ashoething · 06/02/2013 11:32

I am not handy though and dh is worse! dont have anyone in the family to help as if they need something sorted in their own homes then they just phone someone!

I dont moan to my family anymore as they also think dh is a twat. My mum is as she was a single parent who has managed to buy her home and get it all done up on a salary of £14 grand. So she thinks dh is a joke when he says we cant manage on 45 grand.

OP posts:

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