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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to set fire to my house

91 replies

Ashoething · 06/02/2013 10:13

Warning this is more of a rant so feel free to ignore-

I fucking HATE our home. It was a dump when we moved in and after 10 years of neglect it is a hovel. The kitchen,bathroom and pretty much everywhere else is falling to bits. I am not talking about something a lick of paint would fix either-there are huge holes in ceiling,no doors on kitchen cupboards,boiler knackered,manky 30 year old carpets etc.

The latest is that we have no lights in the bathroom. The ceiling has been falling down for years and has now caused the electrics to go.

Dh says he cant afford repairs/new kitchen bathroom. His solution is to get a builder round to do a patch up job on the ceiling.

I just want to set fire to this house as I HATE it so much!! My dcs hate it too as I never let then have friends round as am embaressed at the state of it.

AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

OP posts:
TeWiSavesTheDay · 06/02/2013 10:38

You can't fix it without finding out what is really going on with the money.

You need to start there.

SirBoobAlot · 06/02/2013 10:38

You need a new house. Without your H in it.

NameGotLostInCyberspace · 06/02/2013 10:41

Sounds flipping dangerous to me.
Tell d' h to get it fixed before it all falls down.

CabbageLooking · 06/02/2013 10:42

But, and I say this with lots of sympathy, you're NOT dealing with it. You are, in your own words, ranting. There is lots of good advice coming out here, do take it. Only you can change your life.

Isildur · 06/02/2013 10:42

Do you own half the house, or has he tied it up so that it would be difficult for you to claim?

I would not advise trying to sell it in it's current condition, unless it's in Kensington or someplace where single rooms go for £££. You might find it difficult to buy again on a single salary of £45K, with debts.

Can you arrange to have it valued? Call a local estate agent, and let their reaction be a wake-up call for your husband.

If you have a 50% interest in the house, you'll need to raise some money to fix it up if you want to get anything out of it.

By your husbands logic, anything you earn is yours to do as you please with.

sundaesundae · 06/02/2013 10:44

Have you just woken up? Seriously, if you had looked at bits and done them as they occurred they would have been relatively cheap to rectify, now though... not so much!

You need to know what your budgetting is, where the money is going and what you can afford, £45k isn't that much if you have high outgoings and a big mortgage.

You can't convince someone to do something they don't want to do. Perhaps get someone impartial to tell him how crap your house is? Get a free quote from a builder or somesuch?

jeee · 06/02/2013 10:44

There's a distinct possibility that the house isn't insured anyway (although I'm sure you weren't seriously considering the possibility of arson) - if your DH is that bad with money, all too often insurance is one of the first things to go.

almostanotherday · 06/02/2013 10:45

Hopefully once you have listed everything needed doing in each room you can get DH to agree to cheapest room done first. Once he sees how nice you house can be he will agree to the next room being done and you can finally have the family home you would like.

I would also mention how the state of your house is actually devaluing it and could ruin any future plans when/if it comes to selling.

Do you have any home/buildings insurance you could claim from for anything?

Original poster
Ashoething · 06/02/2013 10:46

No I dont own the house. I was a student when dh bought it and he refused to put my name on it as I wasnt contributingHmm

I really wish it was that easy to just LTB or jsut get a job but sadly its not that easy.

I just wanted a rant really as have noone to rant to in real life. So thanks ladies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ashoething · 06/02/2013 10:47

Yes the state of our home would definately devalue it but tbh it wasnt worth a lot in the first place-is a tiny ex council place in a run down area. So we are never going to make a lot of money on it.

OP posts:
jeee · 06/02/2013 10:48

If you're married you absolutely have rights over the house - I don't know exactly what, but I'm sure someone with legal knowledge will fill you in. But don't let your husband tell you otherwise.

SirBoobAlot · 06/02/2013 10:48

So you just want to rant whilst leaving your children in a house that is dangerous? Biscuit

People are giving you practical advice, take it.

kinkyfuckery · 06/02/2013 10:49

I really wish it was that easy to just LTB or jsut get a job but sadly its not that easy.

Yes, it is. You sound so bloody miserable!

Locketjuice · 06/02/2013 10:50

Feel shitty for you!

Nothing worse than being in over your head with not a penny to even start to think about decorating :(

Been in mine since April and kitchens nice everywhere is liveable, but not nice.. And have lovely wood chip walls which are falling to bits Hmm
That depresses me when I start thinking about what the fuck I'm going to do so really so feel for youBrew

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/02/2013 10:50

"I really wish it was that easy to just LTB or jsut get a job but sadly its not that easy."

It's easier than you think. For a start, it is 50% your house because, as a married woman, it is a 'marital asset'... so it's immaterial who's name is on the deeds, it's half yours in the event of a split.

But it's not as easy as carrying on with the status quo. That's the path of least resistance. But look at your life. You live in a miserable, unsafe, slum with a man that lies to you about doing the place up, has the family in terrible debt, keeps his money all to himself and doesn't even respect you enough to think that what you do as wife and mother is 'contributing'.... that's not a good marrage.

sundaesundae · 06/02/2013 10:51

I am hoping that ranting is your first step in realising that there are some big issues that you need to fix.

Stand up for yourself, take back some control and make your and your kids life better.

Original poster
Ashoething · 06/02/2013 10:52

I am miserable.Thats why I have come on here to rant. Yes I know I am failing my dcs by letting them live like this-they are getting to the age that are noticing and commenting on it. But its hard to know where to start when you have been worn down by years of this.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 06/02/2013 10:55

Don't mean to upset you but your situation sounds terrible and I would think it is having a very negative effect on DCs. I hope your husband has some redeeming qualities otherwise, LTB. How do you manage food and clothing for you and the DCs?

Original poster
Ashoething · 06/02/2013 10:55

We have aertex everywhere that is falling to bits!! I just look at it and think where would we start? I honestly think that the amount of cash we would have to spend on it we would never make back.

I am sure we do have home insurance aswe have claimed on it a couple of times for small things-when fridge went on the blink etc. Will ask dh if that would cover anything but I think he would have thought of that himself.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/02/2013 10:57

I know you've been worn down... that's very clear. I think your desire to burn down your house shows you are at the end of your tether. There is help available for women who are in your situation. The charity Womens Aid is very good, for example, for cases of financial abuse. For those debts... if he ever lets you get hold of the statements and see how bad things are.... CAB are really helpful and can provide free advice on how to get those manageable. CAB can even give you some pointers about divorce if you think your marriage is past saving.

valiumredhead · 06/02/2013 10:58

Insurance doesn't cover normal wear and tear.

Viviennemary · 06/02/2013 10:59

I do sympathise because I feel much the same about ours at times. We can afford to do some work to it now but I think what's the point as it's OK but nowhere near a dream home. And I think I'm not spending a fortune on a new kitchen on a house I don't love.

But there is no harm in making a few affordable improvements. I agree start room by room and even painting makes a big difference. If you start small maybe your DH will get caught up and want to help to do more and be prepared to spend the money on it. And also agree with taking a good hard look at your finances. Even if you could spend a hundred pounds a month on home improvements that could make quite a big difference.

Original poster
Ashoething · 06/02/2013 11:00

Dh buys the food-he does the shopping-his choice. His doesnt like me doing it as I will happily buy value/own brands and he is a bit of a food snobHmm

I buy the majority of the kids clothes.pay for activities out of the cb.

I have had some good advice on this thread so will try and sit down with dh at weekend and have a proper chat about finances and see if we can scrape together enough to at least sort the bathroom.

If I tackle one thing at a time then I think I will find it easier to deal with.

OP posts:
TeWiSavesTheDay · 06/02/2013 11:00

It doesn't matter whether you would add value to the house or not, it's currently pretty much uninhabitable and needs to be brought up to a basic standard.

Where does your husband keep the bank statements, bills, payslips etc?

Omnishambolic · 06/02/2013 11:01

You say his solution is to get builder round to do a patch up (I assume it's the bathroom ceiling). Has the builder actually come round? At least if you get a tradesman through the door, you have someone who knows what he's talking about and can say look, it's not enough to do this, you need to do x y z also, and get a quote. If "D"H accepts you need a tradesman round, you can get him to look at everything else and point out the dangers at the same time.

But quite frankly - what you actually need is a sit down, a proper talk, agreement to fully disclose finances, and discussion of priorities. And he needs to understand that if things don't change, you and the children will be moving out as it doesn't sound as though it's a safe environment with dodgy electrics and an unserviced boiler.