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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want MIL to invite herself along to our trip

105 replies

EndoplasmicReticulum · 05/02/2013 22:41

I probably am.

We're going to London for boy's birthday treat at half term. Booked two nights, so we're there for one whole day plus two half days.

Planning on doing museums, mostly - boy is 8, never been to London before, and is very keen to go to Natural History and Science.

MIL has decided she's going to come and meet us while we are there (she lives a couple of hours away in the other direction from us). I think she means just for a day. I'm hoping so, anyway.

I am not keen, although I like MIL and we generally get on well she is a "faffer". I have a plan for our brief time in London, and that doesn't include hanging around waiting for her at stations or dithering about in cafes.

I'd never presume to invite myself along to someone else's holiday.

I can't say no though, can I.

(just for the record I'd be equally irritated if my own mother decided to do the same thing).

OP posts:

MoonlightandRoses · 05/02/2013 22:44

YANBU, and no, you probably can't say 'no'.

Would sending her an itinerary for the day she's due to be there help? That way, if she's not where she's meant to be on time, or is faffing around when you're ready to move on, she'll know where to catch you up. Saves you missing things and she still gets to feel involved.

TheSkiingGardener · 05/02/2013 22:46

An itinerary is an excellent idea. Especially if she is arriving by public transport as you can't be held up as you have so much to fit in.

Good luck and sympathies!

WorraLiberty · 05/02/2013 22:47

Is it just you and boy?

Or is Husband going too?

Whoknowswhocares · 05/02/2013 22:48

Err, why can't you say no?

Seriously, why?????

TeamEdward · 05/02/2013 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 05/02/2013 22:49

I wouldn't let her. I'd say that you don't know what you're doing and when you're doing it and that it would be much better to meet up at another time.

It's just not fair when you've looked forward to this break that she should tag along without even asking whether it's OK.

MerylStrop · 05/02/2013 22:49

It's nice of her to want to see you.

Invite her for one of the half days (you decide which) and plan it to accommodate a bit of dithering and faffing.

shutthebloodydoor · 05/02/2013 22:49

Itinerary is the way forward! Don't let her turn this trip in to her trip!

gimmecakeandcandy · 05/02/2013 22:51

Yes, send her an itinery and say you are sticking to it so if she is happy to do it too she is welcome but otherwise maybe another time

Very rude of her to invite herself

ceeveebee · 05/02/2013 22:54

I would have no problem saying no if I didn't want MIL or anyone else coming on an organised trip - perhaps I am unusually rude?

Whoknowswhocares · 05/02/2013 22:55

Oh good, ceeveebee I thought it might just be me!!!

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 05/02/2013 22:58

Yep, strict itinerary and when she's late go without her.

BlissfullyIgnorant · 05/02/2013 22:58

Ah...but surely you're going to 'play it by ear' and 'take each day as it comes' so you don't get caught out by the weather or some such rubbish???
Don't fix an itinerary, it'll be just like offering yourselves up...imagine MIL chasing you round London

2rebecca · 05/02/2013 23:08

I don't see why you can't say no, discuss it with your husband. If he's keen then I'd agree to meet her just for an afternoon, if he's not keen then tell her it will be a busy two days of tearing round museums and you'll see her another time as the trip is chaotic enough.
I wouldn't change your schedule to suit her though, if your husband wants her to come along (for some of it make it clear to him you want some time without her) then she fits in with you.
In future don't discuss holiday plans with relatives unless you're happy for them to try tagging along.
I probably would just say no here as it sounds as though you don't want her there and you aren't on her doorstep and will be busy. It isn't rude to say no, it's rude to invite yourself on someone else's holiday. If she can be direct enough to say "Can I come too?" you can be direct enough to say "no it's not convenient".

Original poster

EndoplasmicReticulum · 05/02/2013 23:10

It will be me, husband and two boys going. Mil is going to bring along their small cousin, as it turns out, which means I definitely can't say no as he'll be disappointed. We are going to visit them at Easter ( by their invitation!)

OP posts:

ElectricSheep · 05/02/2013 23:10

Just explain this is your DS's birthday treat and you've got loads planned so would feel rude meeting her because you won't have the time to really enjoy her company. Offer something else instead - another day, a visit etc.

Don't think that would bother me if I were your MIL!

MerylStrop · 05/02/2013 23:12

That's why I suggested you tell her which day (a HALF day).

She can meet you at x museum, then you can have tea out, then she can go home and you can go to your hotel, and spend the rest of the time doing all the other stuff.

Damage limitation, plus you get to see her and make her happy and your DS and his wee cousin happy

Dothraki · 05/02/2013 23:12

Endo - at least you've learnt a lesson - next time - tell her after your trip

Original poster

EndoplasmicReticulum · 05/02/2013 23:14

There will be an itinerary and she will know that there will be, she has known me for too long and would not believe "we are going to play it by ear". Anyway, that would encourage faffery. I think I'll go for the "we'll be in the science museum all afternoon come and find us" approach.

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Original poster

EndoplasmicReticulum · 05/02/2013 23:19

I'm hoping she'll try to book a train then realise why we bought our tickets months ago!

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MoonlightandRoses · 05/02/2013 23:23

Ah, so you're inviting her for one of the 'peak' days then.

suburbophobe · 05/02/2013 23:24

It's your day. It's your SON's day.....

Not your MIL'S to hijack.

Just tell her it's all organised like a military operation, from minute to minute and you'll organise her "do" the week(end) after...

(You have to nip this in the bud).

Original poster

EndoplasmicReticulum · 05/02/2013 23:29

Ah, son will be pleased to see her though, he won't mind. I haven't actually spoken to her, she has phoned when I've been out and has discussed it with husband. He agrees she will bring an added layer of dithering to the trip but can't bring himself to say no.

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2rebecca · 05/02/2013 23:34

You don't let her dither. You do things as planned, she either keeps up or does her own thing in the museum. You don't have to proceed at the pace of the slowest person if that person is a capable adult. They just join you later. The science museum is huge and if the cousin is very young he may want to look at different things to your son anyway. We usually split into groups of 2 in museums so people can see the bits they want. You're going to visit London not relatives, stick to your original plan. She can be in the same places but it's not all about her.

Original poster

EndoplasmicReticulum · 05/02/2013 23:39

2rebecca you have it right there, and that's how I usually handle the faffing. Small cousin is 5, mine are 8 and 6 so not too much difference, he can usually keep up!

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