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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that one of the hardest jobs in the world is keeping your relationship together?

66 replies

Arachnophobic · 04/02/2013 22:07

This is not a request for relationship advice, clearly I would be in the wrong place for that Grin

Many of us mums are used to juggling work/school run/chores. But does anyone find that the hardest job in the world is keeping their partner happy?

My kids - I can get them to tidy up because if they don't I may withdraw privileges. If they are moody I can talk them round. If they are upset I cuddle them. Grab a few toys and a book and their happy. Admittedly they are not teenagers.

At work - I manage difficult people. Generally if there is an issue we sit and talk. Most of the time if there is a problem we sort it and move on. If I have ever had problems in my extended family, usually the same applies.

Not so with him indoors. At times it's wonderful. At times I just cannot manage it. At times I cannot understand it. It's so confusing, draining, and bloody hard work.

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 04/02/2013 22:15

I think both partners have to make an effort and I think it is hard to learn to compromise but no, I have never found dealing with my partner as difficult as sosme of the people at work or as some of my relatives. I think sometimes some of the challenges of being part of a partnership and parents and keeping the status quo in a household have been hard; as have facing some of lifes challenges together such as the death of a parent and the death of a child and understanding each others different reactions to crises.

But no; I've never found my husband (in my case) to be unmanageable or draining. We have been together 25 years and on balance I would say the hardest point was after about 10 and other women have now said they agree with that; it's the point where you have been through significant stuff, seen each other at your worst and where you also see the weaknesses in each other's family members. I think a relationshsip has to be quite strong to get over that little hump.

Original poster
Arachnophobic · 04/02/2013 22:17

Interesting about the 10 year thing. That's where we are.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 04/02/2013 22:20

Sorry but no, that's not the case in my marriage. Believe me, we disagree sometimes and have both compromised in areas important to us, but I always feel I could sit down and talk through any problems.

Perhaps it helps that we stayed together not because we were besotted with each other, but because we knew we could (and have) built a good life together. You haven't asked for advice so won't give any, but I hope you can work things through Thanks.

SantasHairyBollock · 04/02/2013 22:23

Not really? I don't feel I work hard to keep the marriage on track. I do make an effort some of the time , and we are thoughtful to each other and respect each other. But I don't feel I have to try hard to stay together. Also together 10 years.

MikeOxardInTheSnow · 04/02/2013 22:24

We are at 10 years and I have to say no too. If both of you want to make the other one happy, then things shouldn't be that hard. A partner should enrich your life and make things better, otherwise you're better off alone.

MsVestibule · 04/02/2013 22:27

10 years? Ah. We've only been together for 7.5 years, living together for 6 and married for 3.5 (although we do have 2 DCs, aged 6 & 4). So ask me again in a couple of years Wink.

ChestyLeRoux · 04/02/2013 22:29

Weve been married ten next year but dont feel that way.Why do you think its draining?

mousebacon · 04/02/2013 22:30

10 years here too and it's bloody hard work at the moment to be honest.

Purple2012 · 04/02/2013 22:31

I dont think it's hard. In fact this is the 'easiest' relationship I've ever had. I have never worried about us splitting up. I always knew we would get married. We both do things for the other 'just because' . He buys me flowers for no reason, I do things for him for no reason. I have control of lots of things because that's how we work. We are a team, a partnership and we love each other. Good points and bad points. his bad points, i dont have any .We can be ourselves.

In my previous relationships I never relaxed properly, waiting for the end of it, never truly being myself.

With my husband we can have a silly little row abd I don't worry that he will stop loving me. We want the best for each other.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2013 22:32

No, sorry

If it is constant draining hard work, it isn't a good relationship.

Adversecamber · 04/02/2013 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/02/2013 22:53

"At times it's wonderful. At times I just cannot manage it. At times I cannot understand it. It's so confusing, draining, and bloody hard work."

Seriously? If I was finding a relationship draining, I would question staying in it. This relationship stands alone in its difficulty, you seem to be happy with how all your others (with DC, family, work) pan out; which suggests you can have successful relationships (which narrows down the problem to the other party in the relationship).

I know you said you're not looking for relationship advice, but - you don't post the question you did unless you are actually looking for advice.

It's interesting the way you phrase it - keeping your partner happy. I've never seen it as 'my job' to keep DH happy. DH does that for himself. Why do you see it as your job?

McNewPants2013 · 04/02/2013 23:01

My relationship isn't draining, there are time when we do have a disagreement and within a few days its sorted.

The hardest part of our relationship was when he was addicted to gaming, but after at lot of hard work that chapter in our relationship is done and dusted.

behappynomatterwhat · 04/02/2013 23:18

we are together for just over 10 years and married for 6. Funny enough.. my daughter just asked me a question yesterday. She said, 'Love is hard, isn't it mommy?' I said, 'Yes, it is harder than doing a job, it needs to be maintained, otherwise it will be gone before you even know.' That's me and my husband at the moment.. realised the love is gone.. and relationship become such a hard work.. and nothing works anymore. So relationship isn't draining if you love each other, but if you don't love each other.. it is a torture... but part of me thinking, it is like catch-22 situation.

Skinnywhippet · 04/02/2013 23:24

Is he relying on you to keep him 'happy'? are you experiencing extra pressures at the moment eg work? Is he emotionally well? I hope things get better soon.

Shodan · 04/02/2013 23:28

We've been together for 10 years, married for 7.5. Although I sometimes have to give myself a bit of a shake and remember his good points, it really isn't draining at all.

However. My first marriage, which ended at about the ten year point, was so draining I ended up with depression and a little jaunt onto Prozac.

The difference? I didn't love him enough, and he didn't see why he should make any effort at all. The more effort I made, the more he demanded. Not a good relationship.

Dh is as interested as I am in maintaining our marriage, but that doesn't make it hard work.

cory · 05/02/2013 08:44

I think it depends from family to family. Dh and I have been together 30 years and I've never particularly found it hard work.

Living with dd otoh is exhausting (though lovely) and has been since she was a baby.

Living with my mum (equally lovely) was also pretty exhausting at times.

Just different personalities. Dh is stable and dependable and easy to talk to; I don't feel criticised and I am never afraid of his reactions.

My mother and dd are highly intelligent and creative and dramatic personalities. They are either walking on clouds or down in the dumps; life is a constant rollercoaster.

EasilyBored · 05/02/2013 09:10

No, sorry. Regardless of how draining and frustrating I find my job, or how fed up I get occasionally when DS is being whiney, or if I get angry at my family or my inlaws, my marriage is my safe haven. There are difficulties sometimes in trying to maintain 'us' as a couple, rather than just mum and dad or people who work, but it's not hard work. I honestly don't think it should be hard work. Being with DH (and sorry for the oozy cheese I'm about to spew) is the easiest thing I've ever done. We were just right for each other, and even when we disagree, we can talk like adults and work out what we need to do.

If it's a constant battle, then it's not a good relationship, sorry.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/02/2013 09:13

YABU.... a relationship that is that much hard work is just a bad relationship.

Nansnetter71 · 05/02/2013 10:27

How is it that some people stay in marriages where there is little or no communication between husband and wife. My DD is married to a man who just will not communicate, will not discuss important issues, has put the house in his name only, will not discuss sharing the finances, and sulks for a week or more if my DD buys anything for the home without consulting him.
He even threw a wobbly when I bought them a new bowl and drainer, as he said "I wanted to choose them". (He is 42 not 19)!! How she stands it I don't know. She's always complaining to M & D how she hates it but she still puts up with it even after 10 years.

Nancy66 · 05/02/2013 10:29

No, sorry don't think this is true at all.

Our relationship just clicks, flows and (mostly) works. I certainly never feel I have to work at it.

valiumredhead · 05/02/2013 10:31

I think when you have been together many years then it's reasonable to expect some periods to be harder than others. If it's hard work all the time and both parties aren't aiming for the same goals then I think it's a bad match tbh.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/02/2013 10:32

"How is it that some people stay in marriages where there is little or no communication between husband and wife. "

Because victims of emotional abuse and systematic psychological bullying are often scared of being alone, have had their spirit crushed, lack confidence, believe that their experience is normal and will (wrongly) think that their bully of a husband will suddenly turn nice if they could just 'be a better wife'. Domestic violence and domestic abuse take many forms.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2013 10:34

Nans , I am sorry but your DD is in an abusive relationship. If she were my daughter, I would try to be a little more understanding.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/02/2013 10:36

For Nansnetter71..... please read some of these articles on how emotionally abusive relationships can play out.