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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that one of the hardest jobs in the world is keeping your relationship together?

66 replies

Arachnophobic · 04/02/2013 22:07

This is not a request for relationship advice, clearly I would be in the wrong place for that Grin

Many of us mums are used to juggling work/school run/chores. But does anyone find that the hardest job in the world is keeping their partner happy?

My kids - I can get them to tidy up because if they don't I may withdraw privileges. If they are moody I can talk them round. If they are upset I cuddle them. Grab a few toys and a book and their happy. Admittedly they are not teenagers.

At work - I manage difficult people. Generally if there is an issue we sit and talk. Most of the time if there is a problem we sort it and move on. If I have ever had problems in my extended family, usually the same applies.

Not so with him indoors. At times it's wonderful. At times I just cannot manage it. At times I cannot understand it. It's so confusing, draining, and bloody hard work.

OP posts:
Lafaminute · 05/02/2013 11:51

I'm married 15 years - together 20 and I DO find it hard - I wouldn't be without him but I do wonder at the huge expectations that we have of each other and that for two people to rub along well together for this long requires patience, work and respect, especially when you throw in the non stop (or so it feels) pressures of children, infertility, recession, in-laws, and so on.

behappynomatterwhat · 05/02/2013 16:20

So right, you can't be a better wife, but you can make a better marriage, only if you love each other.... and work as a pair. One person can not done anything to change at all.... sad reality, we may not be a lucky one find the right pair sometimes. You are the only one know that he loves you or not, don't fool yourself to think you can change everything, including his heart.

deleted203 · 05/02/2013 16:26

No, I don't find it hard. I find our relationship the easiest thing I've ever done. Absolutely adore DH, he's my rock and he would do anything for me. He and I rarely have cross words and, in general, share the same tastes, ideas and views on things. I think if you are having to struggle to maintain a relationship it's not great. I had a crap first marriage and, despite working like hell over the last three years of it to try and retrieve it, failed miserably. It probably made me determined NOT to do that again - that if a relationship was a struggle I would just turn round and say 'this isn't working for me. Let's call it a day'. I don't want anyone in my life who makes it hard work for me.

littlemisssunny · 05/02/2013 17:06

I don't think you are being unreasonable because I feel the same about my marriage.

But I now feel that the bad outweighs the good, and he is never going to change, a marriage shouldn't be this hard, yes sometimes you have to work on a relationship, but both of you have to work on it. My husband is moody and I find it very hard to communicate with him, but I now know this is not normal and not a healthy relationship.

My problem now is I have such low self esteem and confidence from being constantly undermined that the thought of leaving terrifies me and gives me terrible anxiety.

So I can understand where you are coming from, but it shouldn't be like this.

noddyholder · 05/02/2013 17:08

It shouldn't be draining and hard work I don't think I could do that and we have been together 21 years! I was with someone before dp for 6 years and that was hard work and so I left!

thebody · 05/02/2013 17:13

25 years in may and 4 children.

No we do our best to make each other happy, put each other first and respect each other.

If its that hard its not worth it.

hiddenhome · 05/02/2013 17:44

I've never found it an effort. Sometimes he gets on my nerves, but I just ignore it and don't worry about it. If I found it 'draining' I wouldn't stay. My ex partner was what I would call 'draining' and I made sure he didn't last long. Life really is too short.

Hollygolightley · 05/02/2013 18:17

You are not being unreasonable no one should feel like this about their partner for the majority of the time although everyone has their moments!

Tailtwister · 05/02/2013 18:22

I find managing our relationship hard since having children. I feel so knackered after working, dealing with the DC etc, that I don't really want to deal with a petulant 3rd pseudo child (DH). He has always had faults (as have I!), but I just can't be arsed to put up with them. That makes me matter of fact and sometimes overly critical.

Young children = a lot of joy, but also a lot of pressure. I've seen many relationships break over the strain.

KatieScarlett2833 · 05/02/2013 18:24

19 years, not hard work at all here.

Original poster
Arachnophobic · 05/02/2013 21:58

Have come back as i dont want anyone to think i have run out on my own thread. I am genuinely pleased to hear about your happy marriages and relationships, you smug marrieds Grin

mumsy I found your post personally very helpful. And I loved the drain/rad analogy, and laughed at the fart/shit analogy.

For the record people yesterday was a bad day and it has been a bad year due to in-laws, bereavement, a house under construction and the usual money concerns, and juggling home and work. I shan't bore you with it these problems are commonplace.

But I do love him. He has a good heart and looks after me and the kids. And I still fancy him. He looks like David Beckham for a start Grin

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 05/02/2013 22:01

Awwww Grin

AnyFucker · 05/02/2013 22:12

David Beckham, you say ?

Leave the bastard ! And I'll have him

Noideaatall · 05/02/2013 22:20

I know exactly what you mean. lots of unsympathetic posts here but you're not alone.

bedmonster · 05/02/2013 22:27

10 years and 3 kids down the line, I would have to say I agree that it's one of the hardest things. I love my DP and can't imagine my life without him, really I couldn't. He gives me so much love, laughter, affection and security and he gets the same back from me. However, it's taken a long time for us to be able to live comfortably together.
I do believe it's a skill to be able to listen and talk through problems and issues, and it can be really hard living under the same roof when you have different ideas and ideals.
I know now that it's worth the odd times of friction and I think it's made us a stronger couple. We won't get married despite having been engaged for years because we don't believe it would change us, but we are very comfortable with our relationship. It does take work though.
I hope your bad day yesterday has been replaced by a better one today :)

marriedinwhite · 06/02/2013 20:37

Good luck - hope you're having a better day today. Life can be tough.

Am sure all will be well - providing of course that he doesn't sound like David Beckham Wink. If he does, you could always gag him Grin

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