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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that one of the hardest jobs in the world is keeping your relationship together?

66 replies

Arachnophobic · 04/02/2013 22:07

This is not a request for relationship advice, clearly I would be in the wrong place for that

Many of us mums are used to juggling work/school run/chores. But does anyone find that the hardest job in the world is keeping their partner happy?

My kids - I can get them to tidy up because if they don't I may withdraw privileges. If they are moody I can talk them round. If they are upset I cuddle them. Grab a few toys and a book and their happy. Admittedly they are not teenagers.

At work - I manage difficult people. Generally if there is an issue we sit and talk. Most of the time if there is a problem we sort it and move on. If I have ever had problems in my extended family, usually the same applies.

Not so with him indoors. At times it's wonderful. At times I just cannot manage it. At times I cannot understand it. It's so confusing, draining, and bloody hard work.

OP posts:

TiaMariaandSpringCleaning · 05/02/2013 10:37

DH and I are together 13 years, married 5 of those and honestly can't say that it is or ever has been hard work. We've faced many hings in those years, but even right in the middle of a (very rare) row I can honestly say I've never felt any of those things you've mentioned - "just cannot manage it. ...I cannot understand it... It's so confusing, draining, and bloody hard work". Maybe I'm lucky, I don't know, but I'd hate to ever feel that way about DH, or have him feel that way about me. Hope you're ok OP.

valiumredhead · 05/02/2013 10:39

nans that is a controlling relationship and your dd has probably put up with it for so long as she feels she has no other choice.

dreamingbohemian · 05/02/2013 10:39

Sorry, I can't agree either.

Every relationship I've had that was a lot of work was, in retrospect, not a good relationship.

Like Purple it's actually how I knew my DH was 'the one' for me, because everything was so much easier.

I actually think it's unfortunate that this idea of 'relationships take work' has become so popular, I think sometimes it can blind people to big problems. Yes, I think relationships require effort, but if it gets to the point of hard work then I think there's something fundamentally wrong.

WilsonFrickett · 05/02/2013 10:42

On another thread about what would you want your children to know, someone said 'people are either radiators or drains. If you stand next to a radiator they will warm you through, if you stand next to a drain they will bleed you dry' (I'm paraphrasing). I just think the use of the word 'drain' in your OP is interesting.

My DH and I don't always find it's easy to live together, we're both very different people, but I think we'd both say we are radiators to each other rather than drains. Our communication is good (and when it isn't I can usually work out why) and we are each other's biggest fan. Otherwise what is the point of it?

Married 13 years, been together 16.

TheApprentice · 05/02/2013 10:43

I think Cory is right - it depends on the personalities involved. My dh and I love each other very much, of course, but we both have aspects of our personalities that mean conflicts can arise and are not always easy to deal with. However, we have always managed to do so eventually! It works for us.

DawnOfTheDee · 05/02/2013 10:44

I don't think any relationship should be 'confusing, draining and bloody hard work'. Yes you (and your partner) have to make some effort to keep each other happy and the relationship alive but I'd find it very worrying if it became some kind of chore.

Mumsyblouse · 05/02/2013 10:46

I have had this experience, when things seem really hard work and you don't 'gel' together, this tends to be when times are tough (e.g. money or work issues), we've also had ups and downs due to one of us being ill or depressed or in pain, that's not as much fun. I don't feel like it is hard work and draining all the time, but it is more of a roller-coaster, but some relationships are more up and down than others. If it was always hard and draining, I would leave, however, I've found the up times really sustain you and given that the down times tend to be linked to difficult circumstances, I don't feel they are due to fundamental incompatibility.

I think it depends how much wonderful there is to hard work, and whether the hard work times are very unpleasant or just not so great.

Some relationships are more dramatic/roller-coaster than others, some people would hate this, others find the passionate/romantic times worth it.

I find it hard to believe everyone on here has just jogged along with never a 'hard work' time, just because most of my friends have had dodgy patches in their marriages which have passed over time. If the whole marriage is hard work, that's something different.

Mumsyblouse · 05/02/2013 10:48

And- if your partner is never happy with you, that's also not a good place to be. Occasional periods of discontent, ok, constant criticism or feeling like you are not good enough or never making someone happy sounds like a more fundamental problem.

EasilyBored · 05/02/2013 10:50

It's not about never having hard times, but even when things are had (having a newborn baby for example, and being tired and stressed) we don't find it difficult to communicate about it. I think if two adults honestly love each other and respect each other and there is a decent level of communication, the crap that life throws at you, you can deal with it together.

I like the radiator/drains analogy.

CailinDana · 05/02/2013 10:50

YABU. Keeping my relationship with DH going has been one of the easiest things in my life, I can't believe it's 11 years already. That's mainly due to him though - he is very very even-tempered, kind and forgiving, I am very lucky to have met him because with anyone else I think there would have been a lot of ups and downs.

DimLight · 05/02/2013 10:51

Yep, 10 years in, 2 young kids & finding it hard work too at the moment. Lots of smug marrieds who have never had a bad patch here... You are not alone & I don't think it means the relationship is doomed, but obviously it can't feel like that all the time.. (i hope!)

WilsonFrickett · 05/02/2013 10:53

Mumsy we have had loads of hard times. But it was being together that got us through them. Agree with easily, good communication is the key.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2013 10:57

No "smug marrieds" here

DH and I have been through some horrendous times. It has been hard work at times but never once did that become the only thing about my marriage.

MumofWombat · 05/02/2013 11:04

We're not at the 10 year mark yet, but my relationship with my DH is the easiest relationship I have ever had. He allows me to be me. Of course we have niggles but the reason why we have always talked it out is that we both know what we have got is something different to any of our past experiences, and we dont want to take it for granted or let even little resentments build up to something.
Both of us have had friends and family comment on how much happier and relaxed we are together than before we met.
We've already dealt with some big issues - our DS has a rare heart condition, I've moved half way around the world so we could be together. I couldn't have got through either without him.
And how to make him happy? - he's a simple soul really - a flash of my boobs, a favourite home cooked meal and a pass to go and watch some cricket does the trick!

LexiLoganberryBump · 05/02/2013 11:05

Again another no I'm afraid, we've been married for 9 together for almost 12 years.

Sometimes have to work harder than others mostly we just rub along together nicely, we're very different but as a couple we just seem to work together.

I find dealing with mine and DH family and trying to keep everyone happy the most challenging off of your list.

Mumsyblouse · 05/02/2013 11:10

The reason I was asking about the frequency of these 'hard times' is that you say it is sometimes 'wonderful'. I think it's worth thinking about how much is really wonderful and how much is hard times. I wondered if you were posting the middle of a 'hard time' and that looks very different than if you were posting in a 'wonderful' time. I wouldn't sum my marriage up as draining and hard except in a bad patch!

Yakshemash · 05/02/2013 11:10

18 years together and still going smug!

Why on earth would you settle for anything less?

Agree with posters who say the 'relationships are hard work' notion is very damaging. Relationships should make your life better, or they're not worth having.

TranceDaemon · 05/02/2013 11:12

No, because my DH isn't a moody arsehole and if he was I wouldn't be with him.

Life's too short to waste with a man who thinks its your job and responsibility to keep him happy.

Seriously, a relationship takes work, yes. It shouldn't BE hard work.

TranceDaemon · 05/02/2013 11:14

Also I like a quote that I think I read on here that sums up my view on relationships...

"A relationship is like a fart... If you have to force it, it's probably shit..."

MrsOakenshield · 05/02/2013 11:25

we have had hard times, same as most people. But we sort them out and get through them because we are married - we are a team. If I thought I had to make or keep DH happy - well, I'd be having a good think about my marriage. Sometimes he isn't happy. Sometimes I'm not. And sometimes we're not happy with each other. But never once have I thought it's my 'job' to 'keep him happy'. If he's down I like to do nice things for him, try to perk him up and help him through whatever it is - as he would for me. As surely anyone does for their partner. But I don't think that's what you're getting at, is it?

TheWalkingDead · 05/02/2013 11:35

YABU - DH and I have only been married 5 years, together for 7 with two DS's; one who is 4 and the other 2 next Monday.

I have a chronic illness (fibromyalgia) and had AND and PND with both pregnancies, which was incredibly stressful and draining for us both, but not in the sense that this translated into our relationship with each other iyswim as our relationship was and still is very easy to maintain because we both want what's best for the other and respect and love one another without question.

Having said that, last year wasn't a great one for a lot of reasons (bereavement, in juries, illness etc). DH was made redundant, but also lied to me and our family and, technically, stole from that employer who threatened police action if we pursued outstanding holiday pay from them. This hurt our relationship tremendously. We discussed separation as I feel so strongly about lying and stealing, but through communication and clear boundaries in what we expect from one another, we are back on track. However, even though to me this was a big deal, it was fairly easy to get back to where we were as this was the first incident in 7 years together and we have very open communication lines and a solid base to work from before that. It was draining and stressful but temporary brought on by unique circumstances, rather than an intrinsic part of our everyday relationship.

I would say that if this is a day to day, or even week to week feeling Arachnophobic then it may it be such a great relationship? My DM has this feeling constantly and even though I love my dad, I know it isn't healthy that she feels this way and they probably shouldn't be together.

EllieQ · 05/02/2013 11:39

I wouldn't agree - DH and I have been together for 17 years (married for 2), and while there have been difficult times we've had to deal with, the overall relationship isn't hard work.

This doesn't mean it's effortless - I'm aware that after so many years it would be easy to take each other for granted, so I always make an effort to be considerate and kind (as does DH), but most of the time it comes naturally.

We did go through a bad patch a couple of years ago as I found out DH was addicted to porn (extremely heavy use, not just occasionally). I did consider whether I wanted to stay married, but we went to Relate and had couples counselling and individual counselling, and worked through it.

Do you think the problems you're having are because life is difficult at the moment (work stress, ill-health, small children), or is it like that no matter what else is going on?

dreamingbohemian · 05/02/2013 11:44

I think Mumsy is right in that when you are in the middle of a rough patch, the relationship can feel a lot harder.

I'm still not sure, for me, it feels like draining and hard work though. It's more like, wow, we're totally not on the same page at all here.... but I know eventually we'll work it out and things will be good again. It's not like in previous relationships where things would feel constantly wrong for a good amount of time.

Trills · 05/02/2013 11:44

It is sometimes wonderful.
Sometimes awful.
Is it ever okay? You know, comfortable, easy, pleasant, not exciting or amazing but just nice?

Only having the two extremes of wonderful and awful seems very odd to me.

Emsmaman · 05/02/2013 11:46

You aren't alone. For us the change came along with DD, it changed both of us, curtailed our communication (first date night was when she was 16mo!), made us both cranky and tired a lot of the time. However knowing what it used to be like and knowing it can be like that again keeps me going!

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