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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ttc if I think I will abort if the HG sets in again?

506 replies

ICBINEG · 04/02/2013 17:26

So DH and I have conceived immediately on two occasions, one early miscarriage and one birth. I had hideous soul destroying sickness almost all of the way through pregnancy. We are beginning to start thinking about having another child, but I feel almost certain I couldn't go through another pregnancy like the last one. My understanding of HG is that it is unlikely to strike twice (although you are slightly more likely to get it if you had it before) and that each pregnancy may be fine or not.

So is it unreasonable to ttc if I think I might abort due to HG?

If we conceive and then I get horribly sick is it unreasonable to abort and try again?

Given we would only ever have one more child and seem to be able to conceive at will this might be more a case of choosing to bring to term the baby that doesn't make me horrendously sick for 9 months rather than wasting life etc.

I'm not sure I can really buy into that argument though....

(ps. if you are of the never abort under any circumstances camp then please don't bother posting...I know that opinion exists and am not in the slightest bit swayed by it. I am interested in hearing from other with grey zone opinions on abortion as to which side of their personal line this falls).

OP posts:
Zavi · 04/02/2013 21:30

How long do you think you would be able to tolerate HG for before you would be driven to abortion?

Do you think the age of the foetus would influence your decision?

i.e. would you find it any more difficult to abort a 6 month old foetus than a 2 month old foetus?

or could you happily abort at any stage in the pregnancy?

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2013 21:30

SchroSawMargeryDaw that's another thing. My friend's DD's baby was a boy!

I think it's probably a subject that needs far more research than it's had so far.

Perhaps Kate Middleton's pregnancy might mean it gets more funding and research, I hope so.

DifferentNow · 04/02/2013 21:31

I also think that in reality, should this situation actually come about and the OP conceives and finds herself so ill with HG that she feels she must terminate the pregnancy that it is highly unlikely that she will dive back in and ttc again. The situation is hypothetical at the moment. Once a real pregnancy and real feelings exist, the OP might well feel differently.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 04/02/2013 21:33

Worra Unfortunately I think that the media constantly saying "severe morning sickness" might make it less likely to happen. :(

It would be brilliant if more research was done because of her though.

xamillion · 04/02/2013 21:35

YANBU. You're either pro-choice or you're not, there should be no caveat of "Only if you've got good enough reasons".

I would however talk to your doctors and get some counselling before trying again to discuss options and possibilities. I'm sure you're aware conceiving and pregnancy are not that black and white, so you need to discuss all eventualities to protect yours and your husbands physical and emotional well being.

CheerfulYank · 04/02/2013 21:37

I think there are very few people who are pro choice across the board, million.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 04/02/2013 21:40

DifferentNow (sorry to hear you have had horrendous HG as well!!) I don't think people had as much of an issue with the OP giving herself an out if it becomes completely unbearable, so much as her saying she'd 'just keep on trying' and 'aborting if she gets horribly sick' - not, if I absolutely can't cope/am on deaths door. The way she phrased her OP has not helped.

WhichIsBest · 04/02/2013 21:40

I think you should put ttc out of your mind for a year, two years, and see how you feel about coping with a pregnancy again, however it turns out, then.

We waited five years to ttc for number two. For a while I thought I wouldn't be able to go through it again at all. But DD is old enough now to understand and cope better if I have to go into hospital, and I can rest while she is at school. It does make things practically easier.
(Different health problems.)

AllYoursBabooshka · 04/02/2013 21:42

I also had a boy.

It will be interesting for me to see what I am having this time, I've had an almost completely normal pregnancy so far after being convinced I would be very ill.

So there is hope that all can go well second, third etc time round.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2013 21:43

schro I had a boy and a girl and was the same in both pg's

DifferentNow · 04/02/2013 21:44

say I wouldn't ttc again either, but that's easy for me to say because my family is now complete and the OP's is not. As other posters have said, she is exploring her options in a difficult senario. I agree that the OP does sound flippant when referring to abortion but I think her question is driven by a desire to complete her family which we can all relate to and a deep-rooted fear of the horror of HG.

splashymcsplash · 04/02/2013 21:44

OP if you do come to this thread - your opening statement: "my understanding of HG is that it is unlikely to strike twice" is completely false.

Here is a link to peer reviewed research that reported an 81% recurrence rate of HG in a subsequent pregnancy: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21429077

xamillion · 04/02/2013 21:45

But all these people screaming "Well I'm pro choice" then detailing why the OP is a deapicable human being for making that choice are emphatically NOT pro choice.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 04/02/2013 21:46

So it doesn't really change with gender if you are destined to have it then?

It would definitely be good if far more research was done to look into it. It's a shame that it doesn't seem to be taken so seriously and care differs depending on hospital. :(

LiegeAndLief · 04/02/2013 21:47

Hmm. I had severe and fairly early onset pre-eclampsia in my first pg, resulting in a lot of time in hospital and the premature birth of my ds. I conceived again knowing that I was at a much higher chance of getting PET in a second pg than someone who had not had it in the first, and that if I got really ill the baby would have to be delivered. Possibly very premature or, if I was very unlucky, before 24 weeks.

Granted the chances of this were not high - I have no idea how they compare to the chances of getting HG again. I have never had HG or an abortion and I have no idea how I would have reacted if my second pg had not resulted in a (thankfully) healthy baby. However, I think it's possible that I might have "tried again" and hoped for a better outcome.

So whilst my first reaction to the OP was discomfort, I'm not sure that my situation was sufficiently removed from hers to judge. I think a woman has the right to conceive whilst hoping against hope that she does not suffer with a debilitating condition, and then abort if the condition becomes so bad that she just can't cope, mentally or physically, any more. Whether that woman then goes on to try again (or again and again) is probably something that is very hard to decide before you have been through it once, as it must be very hard to imagine how you would feel.

FlorriesDragons · 04/02/2013 21:50

It must be awful to be so sick for 40 weeks and I can't even pretend to understand but to say you would abort for it is a horrible thing to say. I think you are better off sticking with one child tbh.

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2013 21:50

I hope the OP's ok.

I PM'd her a couple of hours ago but had no reply Sad

cleoowen · 04/02/2013 21:50

I am not against abortion and would not necessarily think the OP er would be wrong to abort the first pregnancy if she felt she could not cope if it had not been planned she would do that before falling pregnant.

It is,the wording of the,post I find disgusting and,the attitude not the person herself. She is thinking of aborting multiple babies one after another until she possibly gets,one where she isn't sick. That is what I object to. To me that is very different to someone aborting one baby for whatever reason which they did not know about beforehand. It is like waiting for a designer baby.

Pyrrah · 04/02/2013 21:50

One of the reasons that DH and I are 99% certain we are stopping at 1 child was the terrible HG I had with DD.

I cannot imagine going through the months of misery with DD wanting my usual attention. I've had major spinal surgery and have been in enough pain that I would have happily signed a form to consent for someone to amputate my legs when it was at it's worst. Yet it doesn't begin to compare with the level of wretchedness that HG can bring you too.

I think if we did decide to have another then I would make plans in advance - good childcare, a nice cleaning lady and above all a really sympathetic and proactive GP/OB.

One of the things I am forever grateful for is that my GP took one look at me when I went to see him 3 days after it kicked in and had me straight down to the hospital for IV fluids and then we tried various drugs till we found one that stopped me vomiting 20+ times a day. I believe that I would have had it even worse had I not sought help so fast.

Shop around for the right partners in your medical care (you do have the option to change GP or consultant) and get some advice from them.

Having had HG I can see why you might feel the way you do, but I don't think you are considering the right solution to the problem.

Pyrrah · 04/02/2013 21:53

On the gender thing... I'm not sure if there is any correlation. I know 3 others who have had bad HG in the last few years and including DD there were 3 girls and 1 boy.

frustratedworkingmum · 04/02/2013 21:55

YABU its a BABY not a pair of fucking shoes

CrapBag · 04/02/2013 21:55

Only read the first page but YABVVVVVVVVVVU.

I cannot believe you would get pregnant, get sick, abort, get pregnant, get sick abort and keep going.

Awful attitude. Either stick with the one you have or risk and and stick with your decision to have another, sickness or not.

Bully for you to get pregnant easily. But guess what, it may not always happen that way.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 04/02/2013 21:58

Million - that is crap. I am pro-choice - abortion should be safe, legal and available to all women whatever their reason; but preferably RARE - I support their right to have an abortion.

It does not mean that I then have to agree that having an abortion because a baby is a boy if they wanted a girl, or a girl if they wanted a boy is OK nor for a variety of other reasons.

Abortion being legal is one thing, being morally right is another.

Having an abortion if you are critically ill with HG is one thing, TTC and knowing you will have an abortion if it's making you feel a bit awful with HG and then to keep on trying again and again is another.

saycheeeeeese · 04/02/2013 22:02

^^ what myhead said.

DifferentNow · 04/02/2013 22:03

Agree with Pyrrah and others that abortion should not be your pre-emptive measure and that you ought to be putting a support system in place for yourself OP. What are your DH's thoughts on the matter?

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