Private schools - want to shout IT'S NOT FAIR!

[Yermina]

Went to PIL last night and heard all about sil's children's school. One of her boys is already attending a fantastic private school. Just found out his two brothers have also got places at very good private schools.

In the mean time my dc's are in classes of 31 at the local state school. My youngest needs additional support (sn) but isn't statemented (diagnosed but no statement) so doesn't get it. SIL's middle child has got into a mainstream private school that has outstanding support for children with dyslexia, which he's been diagnosed with. And will be in classes of 18.

Our middle ds is musically talented but there is really poor provision for music teaching at his state school and very few children there are learning an instrument. We struggle to pay for music lessons for him outside school.

Is it wrong of me to feel eaten up with jealousy and anger at the unfairness of a school system which privileges the children of well-off people so openly and seemingly without anyone else seeing it as something that's wrong or deeply, deeply unfair?

How would you explain to a group of children: you lot over here will have XXXX spent on your education, and lots of opportunity to develop your talents, and you lot over there will have about half as much spent on you, and will have much less attention from the teacher because there'll be twice as many of you in the class. Oh, and you kids with sn or specific gifts - unless your parents have money, you probably won't get the help you need to thrive educationally.

I know it's the way the world is but at the moment I feel bitter about it. Really really bitter. And jealous

Every time I go to my PIL's and have to hear about all the amazing thing SIL's dcs are doing at their school, their academic achievements, I want to go home and hide under the duvet and cry.

We'll never, ever be able to afford private education. We'll never be able to afford to move to an area with really good state schools. We'll never be able to get our children into church schools as we're not church goers, and our local grammar schools (2) are bursting at the seams with children from the local private prep schools, who bus their students in to take the 11+ en mass.

It's just so fucking unfair. It really is. I just want to get that off my chest.

That is all.

^^ Just because there are people starving in the world does not meant that parents won't feel the sting of a bad education for their child. The OP isn't wishing she had a nicer car.

TheOriginalLadyFT, the problem is that some people "work hard, pay taxes and try to be a decent member of the community" but still can't get their children into good schools. How is that fair?

Actually if wealthy individuals want to pay for education, let them, let them pay into the state system then it will improve for every child.

I agree with you Saski to some extent. DCs did very well at home.

I don't have to justify anything - I work hard to give my son the best education I can because it's what I believe to be right for him. By doing so, he's not taking a place at a state school, that's a straight fact

I totally agree with you it is totally unfair that you can buy a better (not always) education for children though those with ld do not always get better support at private schools and bullying is not always dealt with as it is sometimes not in state schools

ds attends a private school, I feel lucky that we can provide that for him though my first choice would be the state school here that everyone wants their children to go to. The state school he first attended had 33 in a class (18 in his class now) the teachers seemed overwhelmed. Luckily we could move him within a few days but it is not something that I feel is right but it is right for ds and he is thriving at this school he wouldn't have at the other school and a number of children from his class have left

I wished we lived in a society where this was not the case but sadly we don't

Life isn't fair, but I fail to see how stopping all private schools would make it fairer! It's not like I withhold a portion of my taxes because I don't use the state system - I still pay into it, whether I use it or not

I don't see why grammar schools are frowned upon. They are merit based. A child can secure entrance only if s/he does good at the test. Yes, some achieve that through paid tutoring, but many achieve it through the tutoring from parents or by just studying on their own. So it's not like there's no option for a bright child that doesn't come from a rich family to get a good education. They will just need to take different route to it. And yes, it will probably need more parental input, but there's no need to hide behind unfair system for that.

There was help for families on low income to send their children to private schools - it was called assisted places. Labour got rid of them (despite many Labour MPs sending their children to private schools)

Parental involvement is obviously important. I don't understand why parents complain about tutoring, rather than just tutoring their own kids - I hear even private school parents complain about this as in, "we are stretched to the max financially and can't afford tutoring so X is falling behind". Is it so hard to brush up on geometry and do it yourself? I tutor my oldest relentlessly, and it's actually fun at times (not always).

why wouold labour get rid the original?

BubuMarra, it seems that grammar schools in some areas are in such demand that only very bright children who also get private tuition get a place.

I hear a lot of back and forth about who dismantled Britain's educational system - was it Labour or the Tories?

bura forgive me - but an A is an A is an A surely>

The OP feels that her children won't be able to access as good an education as their cousins because they can't afford it. Education - not housing, holidays, luxury consumables.

OP, I greatly resent the fact that you are in a position to pay for private music lessons for one of your children. One of my children is interested in learning an instrument, but we can't afford to pay for lessons. I am seething with jealousy and think it would be fairer if private music lessons were scrapped altogether, to level the playing field as it were; hardly fair for the privileged few who can afford it to benefit when others cannot.

Have you actively investigated what is available or simply gone on info on websites? How do you know your SIL is paying school fees and not relying on a bursary/scholarship?

It is horrible to be on the receiving end of jealousy. I've had that. I made different choices to my db and my poor mum is left unable to talk about her gds's achievements for fear of the reaction it causes. Finances weren't an issue - my db decided to be mortgage free rather than pay school fees. His choice but I'm made to feel like I'm in the wrong for putting my ds's education as my first priority.

eliza Labour got rid of selective education. My db was a staunch Labour supporter and chose to send his dcs to failing comprehensive schools rather than look at other options. Recently he has admitted he wished he had made different choices but it is too late for his dcs unfortunately.

Oh honestly, stop whining. Turn your indignation into positive action if you must.

Stand up to your MIL. Talk up your own DC's achievements. Stop being such a doormat.

Get down to your kids school and demand explanations as to why in your opinion they aren't providing what your DC needs.

Being angry with your sister in law is a waste of time. She is playing a fucked up system, a system that teaches children that you can buy privilege and educational advantage.

The anger should be reserved for a system that offers a massive subsidy to the private schools in the form of (unearned) charitable status and the tax-funded training of teachers who work in their schools.

Saski In fact, having parents who have little money but prioritize education to the point of home-schooling could be considered cultural capital in an of itself (to be crass).

Could you expand on why that would be, and explain why it's crass, please?

The only way to make it fairer is to improve state schools so that there are no really crap ones and they all offer the same level of education. (yes, I know, pie in the sky)

Banning private schools will solve nothing. The very wealthy will simply send their children abroad or pay for private "home" education, whichever offers the best result. Where do you think all the other currently privately educated children are going to go to school? What effect do you think this will have on the current state system, because it won't be good.

In the OPs case, the problem really is that their local state schools are poor. That is the real problem with the education system as it stands.

the tax-funded training of teachers who work in their schools.

Well, all the parents of pupils in those private schools are still paying the portion of tax that goes towards state education so they are, in effect, paying for that training.

JustGettingOnWithIt when I said crass, I was referring not to homeschooling itself being crass. Rather, that some people might find it crass to say "this would increase your cultural capital", because cultural capital is more or less a proxy for class.

The majority of people paying for private eduction are of course paying for state as well - where on earth do you think their tax goes . The majority of these households will be high earners and therefore high tax payers so putting a lot more in the pot than those that are actually using it.

Isn't all (or maybe most) training tax-funded, then?