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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my cousin is being a totally selfish cow

83 replies

MrsBucketxx · 04/02/2013 07:11

bit if a back story my uncle was diagnosed with terminal cancer about 6 months ago, and they really dont know how long he has to live etc. (probably about another year at best)

his daughter over christmas go engaged, I thought how lovely she will make it soon so her dad can walk her down the isle even if its a small wedding.

but no she is going to disney to get married in two years ensuring her dad wont be there, as he wont be able to fly even if he is still alive etc.

aibu to think this is really. selfish, denying a dying man of this.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 04/02/2013 07:44

Does she get on with her dad? A friend of mine got engaged a week after her father was diagnosed as terminal simply because she knew then that he wouldn't be at the wedding. Up till then she wouldn't do it because she wouldn't have been able to invite her mother without him. He was a utter dickhead. I'm not saying your uncle is like that but there could be something going on behind the scenes that you don't know about. My friend got a terrible time from one particular workmate about the fact that she wasn't marrying in a rush to include her father and it got so bad that in the end she showed said workmate the scars on her back from where her father had beaten her with a belt. That shut her up but my poor friend shouldn't have had to do that.

My advice is keep your big fat sticky beak out of it.

attheendoftheday · 04/02/2013 07:45

There could be lots of reasons. Maybe she doesn't want to be 'given away' and would like to spare her dad's feelings by avoiding the issue, maybe they need time to save up, maybe a Disney wedding is what she has always dreamed of and she doesn't want to have a wedding she's unhappy with.

It's their wedding so I think they get to choose.

Original poster
MrsBucketxx · 04/02/2013 07:46

no my uncle is lovely, they are really close.

thats why its seems odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBucketxx · 04/02/2013 07:47

its not in it I haven't said anything.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 04/02/2013 07:48

If it seems odd then chances are there is a reason that you're not entitled to know.

nefertarii · 04/02/2013 07:52

That's not a blessing.

thistlelicker · 04/02/2013 07:53

If u know its nothin to do with u then why have u created thread? I agree with others... Obs she is aware her dad won't be around when she may get married, maybe Disney is something That was important as a child that was special to her and her dad! Memories!! Let her and her family spend their time with him in a way they choose and support her descision!

nefertarii · 04/02/2013 07:56

I think its really awful you think she is a selfish cow, when you actually know very little about the situation.

Just because you would do things a certain way doesn't mean she should it that its right for her. Ot even right for your uncle. leave them alone.

Ot must be hard enough as it is.

CloudsAndTrees · 04/02/2013 08:01

Why should she change the wedding she and her partner want because of something awful that is already happening to her?

Isn't it bad enough that she is losing her Dad? Why do you want her to lose her dream wedding too?

I'm surprised at how many people agree she is being selfish. Usually people say that a couple should have the wedding they want and that it's nothing to do with parents or anyone else. Why does that change because of cancer? Doesn't cancer have enough effect without taking away people's weddings as well?

Original poster
MrsBucketxx · 04/02/2013 08:04

if it was me I would want to do this for my dad.

its about being married not the big fancy day isn't it. youll be married for the rest of your life (hopefully) family is a big part of that for me.

that why I said it.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 04/02/2013 08:10

She's not you. God I'm glad I live hundreds of miles away from my family, they were exactly the same as you, judging everything thinking they knew better when they didn't have a clue.

Trazzletoes · 04/02/2013 08:10

But it's not you, is it.

CloudsAndTrees · 04/02/2013 08:16

It's not you, it's her and her fiancé.

Do you think there's a chance that she hadn't accepted that she's actually going to lose him yet, so she isn't considering plans with a view to him no longer being around?

nefertarii · 04/02/2013 08:17

You don't know her dad wants her to

dreamingbohemian · 04/02/2013 08:50

I think you're being terribly judgy about someone who's in the process of losing her dad. I think the decent thing to do is think, well I don't know what's really going on so I'm not going to judge. Instead you are seething.

FWIW if I were dying and my son were engaged, I'd be encouraging him to have a big happy do after I was gone, so everyone could have a happy day and I could smile down from above. That's just my personal preference, if others do differently, that's fine too. My point is, you seem to think there is only one right thing to do, therefore your cousin is wrong. But it's not that simple.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 04/02/2013 08:59

Exactly, its about being married. Maybe they aren't ready for marriage quite yet. Its a huge commitment and shouldn't be rushed into. I would hate my kids to rush into something so important out of loyalty to me.

Original poster
MrsBucketxx · 04/02/2013 09:02

if your not ready to be married dont get engaged then.

its a promise to be married.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBucketxx · 04/02/2013 09:03

clouds I think you may be right, because he seems relatively ok atm, she might be thinking he will be there.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 04/02/2013 09:04

maybe she is in denial about her dads illness and trying to carry on as normal ? i do undestand what you mean though some people can be unrealistic about serious illness, (and a selfish) yanbu

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 04/02/2013 09:09

A promise to be married at some point when you are ready, not when a judgemental cousin decides you should get married.

nefertarii · 04/02/2013 09:10

if your not ready to be married dont get engaged then.

Really? We don't live in a world where you gt engaged one day and married the next.

Yabu. Stop judging her decisions when you actually don't know what's going on.

FeckOffCup · 04/02/2013 09:13

Fair enough if it was you you would do it for your dad but your cousin is allowed to have another opinion, I also don't agree with the statement that you shouldn't get engaged unless you plan to marry soon, nothing wrong with people having as long an engagement as they want. I feel for your cousin it must be a hard decision whether to rush a wedding so that an ill person can be there or delay it to concentrate on that person for their last few months, I don't think either one is selfish.

Trills · 04/02/2013 09:16

^if your not ready to be married dont get engaged then.

its a promise to be married.^

A promise to get married in the future. There's no time limit on it.

RuleBritannia · 04/02/2013 09:18

I'm not putting forward an opinion about when the OP's cousin should get married. That's the business of only the bride and groom. It would be nice fopr the father and mother if they married before the father died but it's up to them. The mother is going through hell at the moment, looking after the father. She will be going through hell after he dies so when is the right time for them to be married? Leave it to them. It's their business.

I have a cousin at the moment who has just been widowed and she is having to deal with people who are squabbling over who goes in the funeral saloon with her. What are people like at times like these?!!

dreamingbohemian · 04/02/2013 09:37

Maybe she pushed forward the engagement to please her father, now he knows who she will spend her life with and that there will be someone to take care of her, etc.

I mean, what's a wedding? It's one day. It's the relationship that's important.

I think your view of marriage is a bit old-school tbh. Not everyone dreams of a church wedding with a father walking them down the aisle, people do have long engagements nowadays.