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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be worried about a friend of my DD’s?

30 replies

Greenkit · 04/02/2013 01:15

My DD is 16 and goes to college with another young girl of 17, I shall call Sally. Sally has told my DD that she is going out with a man of 34, this man has an ex partner and a child of 11yrs, he has a flat and she stays there occasionally. She has known of him for a year, but they have been dating for two months, they split briefly as he didn?t like her texting him all the time, but after a week asked her back out again.

My DD has told her she is silly for seeing a man so much older than her, but Sally says boys of her own age are so immature. My husband has told me that sometimes men get together to rent a flat and then they all share it using it as their ?address? but are really still married?.

AIBU to feel uneasy, should I mind my own business, it just doesn?t sit right

OP posts:
MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 04/02/2013 01:27

You think this man is renting a flat and has been lying to this girl for a year, 10 months before they actually got together, then after all the lying and renting/furnishing a flat he doesn't actually live in (all the while managing to keep his finances hidden from his wife) he dumps the girl for being a bit clingy?

Its a little far fetched don't you think?

She is 17, its perfectly legal, I'm not entirely sure what you think you can do about it, but tbh I don't think its any of your business.

Original poster
Greenkit · 04/02/2013 01:30

Put like that Missy, I guess it sounds a bit Hmm

OP posts:
MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 04/02/2013 01:36

I think it maybe doesn't sit right because the girl is so close in age to your dd. Its understandable but I really don't think age gaps are that big a deal really. I have 2 stepsons who are 6 and 7 years younger than I am and dh and I got together when I was a couple of years older than 'Sally' and dh was her boyfriends age, it can work out, and if it doesn't then one day he will just be an ex she can barely remember the name of.

OutragedFromLeeds · 04/02/2013 01:42

YANBU to be worried, a 34 year old dating a 17 year old is a bit Hmm imo.

I'm sure loads of people will come along now and tell you how they started dating a 52 year old when they were 17 and how they're happily married etc.

Ultimately he isn't doing anything wrong though, he's single and she's of legal age. Do her parents know?

Original poster
Greenkit · 04/02/2013 01:47

No her parents arent aware, she doesnt want to tell them.

I gave her a lift home from college the other night with my DD and she is very young looking (would pass for 15yrs) when she jumped out my dd said 'oh thats the girl who is dating the 34yr old' I was Shock

OP posts:
OutragedFromLeeds · 04/02/2013 02:04

I think that's why it's Hmm. Some 17 year olds look very young and it does make you wonder why an adult man would find someone who looks like a child (even if they're not) sexually attractive.

ohfunnyhoneyface · 04/02/2013 07:16

I agree it sounds wrong, and the breaking up/getting back together is classic power play- what 34 yo ends a relationship for that reason?? Suspect.

I would feel a duty of care to inform the parents but perhaps do it via their school/college? The problem is her parents aren't aware and if she is lying about staying there, if something were to happen to her, her safety would be further compromised.

Remotecontrolduck · 04/02/2013 09:25

No don't tell college, she's 17 and there's nothing illegal about this.

My DD has a much older boyfriend, it is a fantastic relationship and the age becomes irrelvant. She's very mature and they have the same taste in music etc.

BUT

This does sound a bit suspect to me, with the looking young, the breaking up over texting and unwillingness to tell parents about it. I'm not sure what you can do though, as at 17 if her parents go nuts at her when you tell them, she could pack her bags and leave, and no one can make her come back, potentially putting herself in a much more dangerous situation.

It's a hard on.

Remotecontrolduck · 04/02/2013 09:26

HARD ONE, not hard on!!! Christ! Blush

Slainte · 04/02/2013 09:30

That was a classic autocorrect Remote Grin

lurkedtoolong · 04/02/2013 09:33

When I was 18 I dated a guy who was 29 for a few months. I'm sure it probably looked at bit icky to some people but it was actually a fairly harmless fling. Although my parents were fully aware of the relationship.

I'd be more worried about my husband's knowledge is sleazy flat rental agreements. Do these really exist?

CazM2012 · 04/02/2013 09:43

I think YABU but that's from my own experience I started dating a divorced 39 year old at 16. We moved in together are now engaged almost 6 years later and have our 2nd baby on the way. It's a shock to some and we struggled in the beggining not because of our age but other people's perception, it isn't always some old guy leering at some youngster wanting a quickie. If you tell anyone she may stop speaking to your daughter and having someone to talk to if it did go wrong is important. Maybe encourage your daughter to talk to her about telling her parents, but at 17 she can legally move out etc, you don't want to force her to make decisions she does not want to make!

yaimee · 04/02/2013 10:10

I think it maybe does sound a bit strange, but at the same time I'm not sure what could be done to change the situation.
By the sounds of it you don't know the girl well, so even if she looks young she could be very mature and have considered the situation carefully.
She's of age and although the power dynamic in the relationship may not seem healthy, you don't really know what it's like and there doesn't seem to be any nastiness or abuse going on, so really there is no reason for anyone to interfere.
That doesn't mean you aren't right to be concerned and to keep an eye on the situation if you want to.
Going to her parent may cause problems in her relationship with your daughter and I think it might be more beneficial for her to have close friends who she can confide in if things go wrong than for her parents to be made aware at this point.

Original poster
Greenkit · 04/02/2013 18:54

I think I will just monitor via my daughter, and if things get out of hand get her mum and dad involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenkit · 19/02/2013 09:10

It turns out he is actually 48 years old.

OP posts:
thegreylady · 19/02/2013 09:14

If he is 48 her mum and dad need to know now. You would want to know if it was your dd. Yes it is 'legal' but it is still worrying.

HollyBerryBush · 19/02/2013 09:25

It would depend upo the maturity of the 17yo in question.

Some will be very vulnerable, and some will be well aware that their youth is their power and they can play men like an old fiddle. No fool like an old fool.

Do you know her mum and dad? What might their reaction be? I don't think it very appropriate to be involving yourself in the legal sex life of someone you don't know because you disapprove of age differences.

In my early 20's I was dating blokes well into their 40's. I knew exactly what I was doing. They were wealthy and they spoilt me.

thebody · 19/02/2013 09:36

Love Holly's post. Agree this girl might be using this bloke just as much as he's using her. How many we'll off older blokes go for older women and vice versa.. I would have a toy boy but dh might object!

Nine if your business really, probably die a death when he can't go clubbing 5 nights a week or she goes to uni/travelling/gets a job.

gatheringlilac · 19/02/2013 09:37

I don't know what I'd do in your shoes, Greenkit.

I just wanted to say that MissMoo may find it far-fetched wrt to men having fuck-pads, or shag-pads, or whatever, in addition to the familial home.

They do.

It may be out of your experience, and it may not be what's going on here, but it is not necessarily untrue.

I'm also not sure about this "none of your business" stance, either. I think that may often be given as an answer by the prurient-but-cowardly. There is a fine balance between giving people (not just young people) their autonomy and their privacy, and between shrugging your shoulders and allowing harm to continue in front of your eyes/in full knowledge.

It is interesting that there is a poster responding who has a positive experience of such a relationship. It is a reminder (to me, anyway) that mostly, allowing young people to negotiate relationships for themselves works out fine: at worst, they lose a little time, they get a little hurt, they gain a lot of wisdom.

Of course, sometimes it doesn't work out like that. For some reason, there are other forces and motivations at work. Perhaps the only way to distinguish between the two situations is to have more information? And maybe that suggests what you might do? That is, keep talking and listening to your daughter and what she say?

I don't really have any advice, Greenkit. But I wanted to offer some kind of validation/listening. I've noticed that there can be a bit of a tendency on mn to absolutely trash a woman's perceptions and views. I'm coming more and more to think of that as aform of violence, actually. And quite pernicious.

Original poster
Greenkit · 19/02/2013 10:44

Thank you for taking the time to reply, all of you.

No I dont know the parents, and I hardly know the girl, I gave her a lift once. She attends college with my daughter.

All informatiuon is from my daughter, who is 16yrs and has a good head on her shoulders -

  • He isnt a well off man
  • He has lied about his age, first he was 34 and now it turns out he is actually 48

Both of these where told to the girl but a friend who also knows him

  • She is quite an imature girl, 17yrs but looks and acts much younger.

My daughter is concerned for the girls safety and has spoken to her about it all. Girl isnt convinced at the mo.

I will continue to monitor and see what happens, as my daughter has said, it may be legal but if something happens to her she will feel terrible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenkit · 19/02/2013 10:44

Both of these where told to the girl but by a friend who also knows him

OP posts:
PinkFairyDust · 19/02/2013 10:48

When they first met how old was she?

Sounds a bit odd to me....

Yamyoid · 19/02/2013 10:58

Sorry I have no suggestions except to say I think you're doing the right thing to keep an eye on things. Is she at college? Is there a tutor that might be able to have a chat with her?
I went out with a man only 7 years older from the age of 16 and I've always regretted it. My parents did the right thing in letting me make my own decisions and mistakes but I wish they could have tried to make change my mind. I don't think a 17 year old is mature enough to understand why such a massive age gap is frankly creepy.
If it was my dd I'd be doing everything in my power to stop the relationship, which may be wrong but perhaps she'd thank me in the end.

HollyBerryBush · 19/02/2013 11:02

Is your daughter directly getting this information from the girl concerned, or is it all heresay?

When is the 17yo 18?

My concern is that you may unleash all manner of repercussions at home - you don't know this girl or her family at all - you could cause a cataclysmic fall out, thus rendering this girl homeless. All on a tidbit ofgossip your daughter has brought home.

If you are really that concerned, phone the college and ask to be put through to the student councellor - who will have a far better idea of the whole situation than yourself.

I do understand your motives are honourable, but we can all be guilty of rushing in where angels fear to tread. Hand it to someone better equipped to deal with it.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/02/2013 11:11

17 and 34 - absolutely fine in my eyes.
I have a cousin who started out with a guy at this age gap and all is good.
But..... 17 and 48! Nope!! Sorry - not OK!! IMO!!!
Keep an eye on it. Hopefully it's just a 'phase' thing and she will soon get bored of being with an MUCH older guy and find someone closer to her own age.
I do agree though that a lot of boys 17-20 are very immature.