to be worried about a friend of my DD’s?

[Greenkit]

My DD is 16 and goes to college with another young girl of 17, I shall call Sally. Sally has told my DD that she is going out with a man of 34, this man has an ex partner and a child of 11yrs, he has a flat and she stays there occasionally. She has known of him for a year, but they have been dating for two months, they split briefly as he didn?t like her texting him all the time, but after a week asked her back out again.

My DD has told her she is silly for seeing a man so much older than her, but Sally says boys of her own age are so immature. My husband has told me that sometimes men get together to rent a flat and then they all share it using it as their ?address? but are really still married?.

AIBU to feel uneasy, should I mind my own business, it just doesn?t sit right

[Smellslikecatspee]

All sounds very iffy to me

Yes maybe the girls home life is not the best and this may cause problems, but also maybe she is being manipulated by this man.

Yes it can depend on the maturity on the teen, but just 17 and 48. . .

A decent 48 year old would/should be questioning his attraction to a young looking 17 year old.

My personal experience is that when I was 14 I briefly dated a 21 year old.
There was a series of understandable misconceptions, I looked older, was the youngest in my school year by 11 months and me and my best friend (who was 16) ran around with her brother/cousins who were all 18 or so.

This guy assumed I was 17-18, I assumed he was 18/19.

Once it all came out, due to him trying to arrange a meet up with his uni mates and I pointed out that I couldn't go to the club he suggested as it was over 18s, his reply was yes and why is that an issue? well 'cause I'm 14. . .

Poor guy nearly had a heart attack on the spot. Then he very nicely and gently dumped me. We're still friends.

This man clearly know what age she is, and has lied already, not good signs

[WilsonFrickett]

I was in the first situation - I lived with a with a man who was 36 when I was 17. It wasn't ideal and I was clearly seeking a father figure (although there was no way you could have told me that at the time). The fact he's 48 (and lied about it) does make it feel more ick, but actually, makes no different. If he is 'too old' for her at 34, he is too old for her at 48.

I don't think you'll be able to do anything about it, apart from encouraging your DD to befriend her, making it clear to DD her friend is welcome at your home etc. If it turns out to be an EA relationship (and that's where I'd be leaning with with the power plays, break-ups over texting etc) there's still not much you can do except support through DD. Hopefully she'll learn and move on, quickly. I did, anyway.

[Greenkit]

Wouldnt

[Greenkit]

I do agree though that a lot of boys 17-20 are very immature.

If he was 19-25 then it would seem so bad, but 48 it just feels yuck

[Greenkit]

She has just turned 17, and met him a year ago

Good idea about the tutor. They are doing a childcare course, maybe she could bring something in about inaproprate relationships?

Yes daughter is getting info direct from the girl.

It just feels wrong, i know its legal, but I would be horrified if it was my daughter.

[hellsbellsmelons]

17 and 34 - absolutely fine in my eyes.
I have a cousin who started out with a guy at this age gap and all is good.
But..... 17 and 48! Nope!! Sorry - not OK!! IMO!!!
Keep an eye on it. Hopefully it's just a 'phase' thing and she will soon get bored of being with an MUCH older guy and find someone closer to her own age.
I do agree though that a lot of boys 17-20 are very immature.

[HollyBerryBush]

Is your daughter directly getting this information from the girl concerned, or is it all heresay?

When is the 17yo 18?

My concern is that you may unleash all manner of repercussions at home - you don't know this girl or her family at all - you could cause a cataclysmic fall out, thus rendering this girl homeless. All on a tidbit ofgossip your daughter has brought home.

If you are really that concerned, phone the college and ask to be put through to the student councellor - who will have a far better idea of the whole situation than yourself.

I do understand your motives are honourable, but we can all be guilty of rushing in where angels fear to tread. Hand it to someone better equipped to deal with it.

[Yamyoid]

Sorry I have no suggestions except to say I think you're doing the right thing to keep an eye on things. Is she at college? Is there a tutor that might be able to have a chat with her?
I went out with a man only 7 years older from the age of 16 and I've always regretted it. My parents did the right thing in letting me make my own decisions and mistakes but I wish they could have tried to make change my mind. I don't think a 17 year old is mature enough to understand why such a massive age gap is frankly creepy.
If it was my dd I'd be doing everything in my power to stop the relationship, which may be wrong but perhaps she'd thank me in the end.

[PinkFairyDust]

When they first met how old was she?

Sounds a bit odd to me....

[Greenkit]

Both of these where told to the girl but by a friend who also knows him

[Greenkit]

Thank you for taking the time to reply, all of you.

No I dont know the parents, and I hardly know the girl, I gave her a lift once. She attends college with my daughter.

All informatiuon is from my daughter, who is 16yrs and has a good head on her shoulders -

• He isnt a well off man
  
• He has lied about his age, first he was 34 and now it turns out he is actually 48
  

Both of these where told to the girl but a friend who also knows him

• She is quite an imature girl, 17yrs but looks and acts much younger.
  

My daughter is concerned for the girls safety and has spoken to her about it all. Girl isnt convinced at the mo.

I will continue to monitor and see what happens, as my daughter has said, it may be legal but if something happens to her she will feel terrible.

[gatheringlilac]

I don't know what I'd do in your shoes, Greenkit.

I just wanted to say that MissMoo may find it far-fetched wrt to men having fuck-pads, or shag-pads, or whatever, in addition to the familial home.

They do.

It may be out of your experience, and it may not be what's going on here, but it is not necessarily untrue.

I'm also not sure about this "none of your business" stance, either. I think that may often be given as an answer by the prurient-but-cowardly. There is a fine balance between giving people (not just young people) their autonomy and their privacy, and between shrugging your shoulders and allowing harm to continue in front of your eyes/in full knowledge.

It is interesting that there is a poster responding who has a positive experience of such a relationship. It is a reminder (to me, anyway) that mostly, allowing young people to negotiate relationships for themselves works out fine: at worst, they lose a little time, they get a little hurt, they gain a lot of wisdom.

Of course, sometimes it doesn't work out like that. For some reason, there are other forces and motivations at work. Perhaps the only way to distinguish between the two situations is to have more information? And maybe that suggests what you might do? That is, keep talking and listening to your daughter and what she say?

I don't really have any advice, Greenkit. But I wanted to offer some kind of validation/listening. I've noticed that there can be a bit of a tendency on mn to absolutely trash a woman's perceptions and views. I'm coming more and more to think of that as aform of violence, actually. And quite pernicious.

[thebody]

Love Holly's post. Agree this girl might be using this bloke just as much as he's using her. How many we'll off older blokes go for older women and vice versa.. I would have a toy boy but dh might object!

Nine if your business really, probably die a death when he can't go clubbing 5 nights a week or she goes to uni/travelling/gets a job.

[HollyBerryBush]

It would depend upo the maturity of the 17yo in question.

Some will be very vulnerable, and some will be well aware that their youth is their power and they can play men like an old fiddle. No fool like an old fool.

Do you know her mum and dad? What might their reaction be? I don't think it very appropriate to be involving yourself in the legal sex life of someone you don't know because you disapprove of age differences.

In my early 20's I was dating blokes well into their 40's. I knew exactly what I was doing. They were wealthy and they spoilt me.

[thegreylady]

If he is 48 her mum and dad need to know now. You would want to know if it was your dd. Yes it is 'legal' but it is still worrying.

[Greenkit]

It turns out he is actually 48 years old.

[Greenkit]

I think I will just monitor via my daughter, and if things get out of hand get her mum and dad involved.

[yaimee]

I think it maybe does sound a bit strange, but at the same time I'm not sure what could be done to change the situation.
By the sounds of it you don't know the girl well, so even if she looks young she could be very mature and have considered the situation carefully.
She's of age and although the power dynamic in the relationship may not seem healthy, you don't really know what it's like and there doesn't seem to be any nastiness or abuse going on, so really there is no reason for anyone to interfere.
That doesn't mean you aren't right to be concerned and to keep an eye on the situation if you want to.
Going to her parent may cause problems in her relationship with your daughter and I think it might be more beneficial for her to have close friends who she can confide in if things go wrong than for her parents to be made aware at this point.

[CazM2012]

I think YABU but that's from my own experience I started dating a divorced 39 year old at 16. We moved in together are now engaged almost 6 years later and have our 2nd baby on the way. It's a shock to some and we struggled in the beggining not because of our age but other people's perception, it isn't always some old guy leering at some youngster wanting a quickie. If you tell anyone she may stop speaking to your daughter and having someone to talk to if it did go wrong is important. Maybe encourage your daughter to talk to her about telling her parents, but at 17 she can legally move out etc, you don't want to force her to make decisions she does not want to make!

[lurkedtoolong]

When I was 18 I dated a guy who was 29 for a few months. I'm sure it probably looked at bit icky to some people but it was actually a fairly harmless fling. Although my parents were fully aware of the relationship.

I'd be more worried about my husband's knowledge is sleazy flat rental agreements. Do these really exist?

[Slainte]

That was a classic autocorrect Remote

[Remotecontrolduck]

HARD ONE, not hard on!!! Christ!

[Remotecontrolduck]

No don't tell college, she's 17 and there's nothing illegal about this.

My DD has a much older boyfriend, it is a fantastic relationship and the age becomes irrelvant. She's very mature and they have the same taste in music etc.

BUT

This does sound a bit suspect to me, with the looking young, the breaking up over texting and unwillingness to tell parents about it. I'm not sure what you can do though, as at 17 if her parents go nuts at her when you tell them, she could pack her bags and leave, and no one can make her come back, potentially putting herself in a much more dangerous situation.

It's a hard on.

[ohfunnyhoneyface]

I agree it sounds wrong, and the breaking up/getting back together is classic power play- what 34 yo ends a relationship for that reason?? Suspect.

I would feel a duty of care to inform the parents but perhaps do it via their school/college? The problem is her parents aren't aware and if she is lying about staying there, if something were to happen to her, her safety would be further compromised.

[OutragedFromLeeds]

I think that's why it's . Some 17 year olds look very young and it does make you wonder why an adult man would find someone who looks like a child (even if they're not) sexually attractive.