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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to a close friends wedding?

136 replies

JadoreDior · 03/02/2013 22:20

We have been friends since school and still see each other 2-4 times a month. Anyway she is getting married this year, it is an extremely small wedding. The only people invited to the ceremony are immediate family only and then they have invited close friends and their partners to have a meal afterwards.

She has sent me a text today to let me know the date, and they have decided to do it on a Friday, which means I will have to use my holiday time off work which is really precious to me as we are booking a summer holiday and also over Christmas we are going away and spending it with family.

There also wouldn't be any point of me going after work because the meal is at 3 and then people are just having drinks etc - there won't be a disco or anything kind of entertainment so I'm assuming people won't be staying that long after the meal is over.

Also I'm not invited to the ceremony (which is fine I understand why I'm not) but it would mean me losing a days holiday to just go to a meal.

aibu to not want to go?

OP posts:
ChaoticisasChaoticdoes · 04/02/2013 18:39

Well if I ever get married diddl you'll be welcome at mine. I'll even fit you into the reception Wink

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 04/02/2013 18:42

I got married on a tuesday and no one but our parents and our 8 wo son were at the ceremony. We had a party at our house after and our close friends came and made a massive effort so i think yabu to call yourself a close friend if you wont make a similar effort.

diddl · 04/02/2013 18:44

a quiche & a wedding invitation?

Katla · 04/02/2013 20:06

I agree with Diddl if in a church then space permitting, anyone can see the ceremony. When I got married some of our neighbours and evening guests came to the church. I was happy about it. Cost of having everyone to the meal limits guest numbers but at least the ceremony free!!

OP I think your friend may be disappointed if you don't go - but they have chosen to have it on a Friday, plus you aren't being asked all day so those are the choices she made so you now have your choices to make too. If she was a close friend then I'd probably make an effort to go.

However, I've chosen not to go to my BIL foreign wedding in April because our baby is 5 months old then - we'd need a week away (due to flights) plus ceremony is at 5pm (so hardly worth the effort as I'll have to take the baby back to put to bed before the meal) - its their choice to have this kind of wedding - but they can't assume it fits with everyone elses ideas of worth the effort.

lockets · 04/02/2013 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect · 04/02/2013 20:20

I'd be a bit peeved at just being invited to the meal and not the wedding TBH.

NuclearStandoff · 04/02/2013 21:16

Well the OP doesn't seem to care what anyone else thinks...

KenLeeeeeee · 04/02/2013 21:20

YWNBU to not go if you couldn't get a day or half day's leave, or if it clashed with another important event to which you were already committed.

YABVVVU to say that your time off is "precious" and your friend's wedding, to which almost only family is invited, isn't precious enough for you to want to use a holiday day to attend.

MortifiedAdams · 04/02/2013 21:31

I don't think the OP is coming back. Can't think why.

Grin
Piecesofmyheart · 04/02/2013 21:31

YANBU. if she considers you to be that close a friend she'd invite you to the actual 'wedding' part of the day.

And I also had loads of folks at the back of the church at my wedding - was lovely Smile

Binfullofmaggotsonth45 · 04/02/2013 22:37

YANBU. Why is the way you spend your holiday time less important than her saving money on her wedding by holding it on a Friday?

I'd understand a Friday wedding if it was a late family ceremony, with a quiet meal, then an evening do for everyone to turn up for on Friday night. That could be a good laugh.

If you hold a midweek wedding surely you have to accept that people won't make it due to work and family commitments?

PickledInAPearTree · 04/02/2013 22:46

I would book a half day for a good friend NO problem at all. If you don't want to book it then they just aren't that close a friend.

All my close friends would do the same for me.

MrsDimples · 04/02/2013 23:23

YANBU

I invited friends to my wedding, that lived a few hundred miles away from the venue and then told them not to bother for a ten minute service and meal afterwards if they didn't want to. No party either.

People make far too much fuss over weddings. It's the marriage that matters not one stupid day.

maddening · 05/02/2013 00:37

If the meal is at 3pm could you not take a half day off?

WelshMaenad · 05/02/2013 08:11

Any wedding ceremony has to be open to the public, whether in church or hotel/registry office/other venue. It's so people can object if they wish, you physically can't stop people attending. No such thing as a 'private' ceremony, by law.

I had lots of evening guests at my ceremony, and we married in the barn if a manor house. I popped a note in with evening invites saying that we were prevented by venue number restrictions from inviting everyone for the whole day but that we'd love to share the joy of our marriage ceremony with evening guests if they would like to come. Loads did. Also some of my friends parents came to watch me get married which I thought lovely, my mum likewise came to the ceremony to see my best friend get married last year, that was in a hotel too.

Failing to see the rudeness, really.

diddl · 05/02/2013 10:17

I must admit I´m laughing at the thought of a bride going down the aisle saying:
"Oi!-out-you were only invited to the evening reception!",

"I don´t care how long you´ve been attending services here-I don´t want you at this public my ceremony.

YouOldSlag · 05/02/2013 10:20

Exactly diddl. Brides need to realise that they don't control the entire universe and they don't own churches just because someone proposed to them.

diddl · 05/02/2013 12:23

Looking back at the OP I see she has been actually excluded from the ceremony-so don´t worry, in that case I wouldn´t go!

Got caught up in the OPs obvious disappointment at that.

Why do people do that-exclude from the actual ceremony (if it´s not size related) but want you at the reception immediately afterwards?

I understand not being invited to the reception (wedding breakfast) but being invited to the evening party-just seems odd to be not to want those at the "wedding breakfast" also at the ceremony.

Well, as some of you seem to think, I have odd ideas anyway!

YouOldSlag · 05/02/2013 12:26

I'd completely forgotten about the original OP. I was too busy slagging off bridezillas! Smile

Anyway, where we were?

tropicalfish · 06/02/2013 14:55

I think this could really affect your friendship.
I was in a position many years ago where I had to go to a very good friend's wedding in the highlands. It was in the middle of nowhere literally. At the time I was slightly annoyed that it was going to cost a huge amount to us at the time to go. However, took a week off travelled around the highlands and really enjoyed it.
25 years later we are still good friends.
If you dont go you will regret it for the rest of your life. If she is a truly good friend.
Also, there was another friend who invited me to her wedding which I would have to have got to on my own and it was a bit difficult because I had a young baby at the time so I didnt go and we lost touch.
I think that friends that value you enough to make time for you like she does are quite rare. I think you should go. - maybe you could make the time up if you havent got the annual leave.

atthewelles · 06/02/2013 15:16

I thought it was quite common for people to go to the church to see the marriage ceremony, even if they weren't invited to the wedding. The reason for asking some guests to the evening only is to keep costs down. But they're not bumping up the costs by slipping into the back of the church. And as for other guests wondering why so and so was invited and so and so wasn't... it's always pretty clear from the way people are dressed who are there as wedding guests and who are there just to have a look and wish the B&G well..

DontmindifIdo · 06/02/2013 15:29

diddl - in DH's cousin's case, it was because she's terrified of standing up in front of a large number of people, and just family on both sides was over 70 people before they looked at inviting friends. She wanted to just have both sets of parents and both sets of siblings for the ceremony, then was happy to have 150+ people for the reception, just not the actual bit when she had to talk in front of them (v shy).

I've known a few people have "just witnesses" at the wedding then hold a big reception, it's normally down to wanting to keep it private.

Re turning up to the church to watch the wedding anyway, does seem odd that there's a group from my parents' church who go to every wedding, regardless of if they know the bride and groom or not because they are 'allowed too' - the fact that it's a small church and if the wedding guests are large in number that means there's only standing room avaialble doesn't seem to phase them. Always seems odd.

Mind you, not as odd as the group who go along to funnerals of people they've never met - they are proper bonkers those lot... (we had 6 at my Gran's funneral)

fromparistoberlin · 06/02/2013 15:42

erm, another to say NOONE is going to wedding, so hardly an exclusion

if you value her, take a bloody half day off

diddl · 06/02/2013 15:49

Of course people are going to the wedding!

Essentially, OP is being asked to take time off to go out for a meal!

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes · 06/02/2013 15:49

I thought it was quite common for people to go to the church to see the marriage ceremony, even if they weren't invited to the wedding.

It probably is. I just think it's rude to formally invite someone to a ceremony but then expect them to amuse themselves while you feed your 'more important' guests and then come back later in the day. It doesn't feel right to me.

Having said that if people turned up at my mythical wedding ceremony having not been invited it wouldn't bother me in the slightest so long as there was room for my invited guests iyswim. Not that I could ever see myself getting married in a church and people don't seem to turn up at registery offices/hotels etc.

But I digress...again. In the case of the OP I couldn't see myself inviting a good friend for the meal but not the ceremony*. If my good friend is important enough to be at the mean s/he is important enough to be at the ceremony which may be why I'm a bit Confused at some of the replies saying the OP isn't a good friend if she doesn't go. Good friendships work both ways.

*The only exception I can think of is if I got married abroad and had the meal on a separate date and location.

After all that OP I would probably book (half) the day off and go but I wouldn't say you're not a good friend if you don't.